General Question

Scarlett's avatar

How do you cut off a past relationship completely ?

Asked by Scarlett (911 points ) October 12th, 2010

I wanna know how I can get over my ex. I’m tired of all this drama, pain, and I can’t take it anymore.

I feel like this relationship is killing me slowly, but at the same time I find letting go so damn difficult.

We constantly fight, but I can’t seem to not pick up his calls or answer his texts.

This is really draining me, and I WANT to move on, but I find myself constantly thinking about him and missing him.

He was abusive to me, and has been throwing pictures and videos of other girls in my face. He also sent me naked pictures of another girl to my facebook. He is just disrespectful, and a monster, and I want to move on.

I know at the present moment it usually seems like one can never get over a past love, but I can’t stop myself from wanting to answer his messages.

I’m only 20 and have the rest of my life ahead of me, and I know I deserve someone who is kind,honest,respectful, and won’t throw other women in my face.

Does anyone have any techniques to get over an ex ? Or is this something I will just have to let time heal itself ?

We were only together for 5 months, but it was a very intense,passionate, and wild relationship—I guess that’s why we didn’t work out ! The fire was hot, but the flame burned out….

It feels like we have a bond together, a destructive bond, but we can’t let it go, but I know we have to….

Each time we break up, or say we’re broken up, we keep on coming back to each other and I am getting TIRED of it.

It’s like ping pong.

He’s also blocked on my facebook, and I want to change my number so I won’t be tempted to answer his calls if he tries to call me…

Thanks anything advice would help.

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41 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Ah, just what I was going to say. Change your phone numbers and email addresses so he can’t contact you.

Act like an alcoholic. Don’t say that you are never going to speak to him again. Just say you will not take his next phone call. Then after you get through that, just say you will not take his next phone call.

List on a piece of paper all the reasons that you want to talk to him (look over them critically) and all of the reasons you have decided not to talk to him List every abusive thing he has done to you. Get out that list and read it when he calls you.

Start going out with friends in he evenings (to places you know you will not run into him). Start a new creative project. Start volunteering somewhere. These are things that will take your mind off of the failed relationship.
Read the list

jrpowell's avatar

It is like quitting smoking. It is hard but you have to want to do it.

If you stop responding to his shit he will stop sending it. He is doing it to fuck with you and you are letting him win. Ignore the asshole and move on. There is another dude out there that will be better. He is reading a book in library right now. Forget about the the loser and find the guy that treats you properly.

edit :: I’m probably going to get some shit for this. Most women think men can be fixed. We really can’t. We just get better at hiding stuff.

Scarlett's avatar

I want to know also if this will get better with time ? I’ve hung out with some friends, and my family, they are ALL wonderful people… So why am I allowing myself to be hurt by this guy who is mean, rude, and has deep anger issues ??

I think it could just be me, but I know a lot of women in abusive relationships go back to their men. And they say it usually takes 7 more times for the abused to actually leave the abuser for good.

I just want to get over this, but I know it’s going to take time…

Scarlett's avatar

All he does is hurt me, so I don’t know why I still bother. I have good friends in my life, but I can’t seem to stop thinking of him. Maybe I’m making myself think I miss him ?

Scarlett's avatar

@johnpowell – Thanks that is so true. I’m letting him win by constantly giving him the “Fuel to his Fire”..

Scarlett's avatar

He’s Threatening to make a website also with my name as the url, and he says he’s gonna put up sexy pictures of me, and our conversations so that everyone can see, and he also said He’s gonna make the website get a lot of hits.

He’s just childish and mean.. I don’t want to give him anymore “Fuel to his Fire”, but I’m scared now if he would make a website with my name and post not so good stuff..

Or he could just be bluffing. I don’t know.

The fact that he even mentioned he would make a website to get back at me just proves me more and more I don’t want to be with this kind of guy.

chyna's avatar

All good advice above. It’s helping that you realize you don’t want in this type of relationship and have taken steps to get out of it. As you have already said, changing your number, your emails and blocking him from facebook will be one more step away from his control. I think he had so much control over you, that it is hard to totally get him out of your mind. One step at a time, and with the help of good friends and family, you can be rid of this jerk.

chyna's avatar

It sounds like he thinks if he threatens to post sexy pics and private conversations you will take him back. I’m glad you see what kind of evil he is capable of.

BarnacleBill's avatar

@johnpowell hit the nail on the head. It will not get better, he will not change. Five months of wild romance is infatuation, not love. It was love, you wouldn’t be posting this question. recognize that you are attracted to the adrenaline rush of the drama, and not the person. Go sky diving instead.

You are under no obligation to respond. Turn your phone off all day, and only check it at lunch, and at dinner time, unless you need to make a call. Tell your parents and friends this is the game plan. Delete his phone messages and texts without reading them; he has nothing new to say.

Stand in front in the mirror, look yourself in the eye, and say, “I am not available to Dickwad. I deserve better.” Say it 100 times. Eventually you will come to believe it.

Scarlett's avatar

He also says he can get any girl he wants. He tells me he can get much younger and prettier girls.

I told him I don’t care it’s his life and fuck off. Even though he says he has a new girlfriend he still texts and calls me.

It’s gotten really annoying at this point.

I don’t want to deal with it any more.

My family and everyone says I can have a really good life ahead of me, and I’m just wasting time on this dead beat asshole.

jrpowell's avatar

If he is going to do that he will. Don’t give him more ammo. One thing I know is people hate being ignored. Ignore him and it will drive him crazy. He is a attention whore and craves your attention.

Scarlett's avatar

@johnpowell – Yes he is an attention whore, very needy also, and clingy, and he treated me like his property.

I’m scared if ignore him he’ll do something crazy.

I’m gonna let him down slowly…

jrpowell's avatar

HAHAHAHAHA… You are twenty and he brags that he could get younger. Douche-bag alert.

Scarlett's avatar

@johnpowell – Yes, my point exactly, and he’s 11 years older than me.

jrpowell's avatar

I only have one thing to add and I will bold it.

YOU DESERVE BETTER

Scarlett's avatar

@johnpowell – I know I do… He doesn’t read books, doesn’t like art, I guess I was just blind. Love is blind. Or something that you think is love but really isn’t, can blind you also :(

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Good luck to you in getting away from that guy.You do deserve better and I think you got alot of good advice here.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Block him from your facebook page.

Delete/block his email

Remove his name associated from his number in your celly so when it’s him then it’s just his number you see pop up and not his name.

Keep not answering his texts. Try deleting them as fast as you can instead of reading them through.

Write out a list of the negative things between you both that you can say aloud to yourself every time you start pining for him. Type a list out on your computer you can open up and do the same any time he pulls your strings via the internet.

iLove's avatar

I’m 15 years older than you and yet I know this tale all too well. It’s called narcissism , and he is really good at it.

I have one that comes in and out of my life, for the past 8 years. because he is really good at it

I recently found out that a lot of this behavior is due to his father being a heroin addict and abandoning his family. Don’t do what I did, and try to “tame” this person. That is an addiction in itself.

The hook that the narcissist relies on is to wear you down. They. will. stop. at. nothing. Trust me, I have blocked phone #s, emails, and FB only to have him arrive at my work and call my work #.

You may have to find yourself another guy to get this guy off your back. As bad as it sounds, or possibly you have a big strong uncle or brother that can scare him? There really is little negotiating to this situation. Have a male answer your phone when he calls. It will shake his foundation.

Whatever you do, remind yourself that you are beautiful and deserve better. and what @marinelife said is probably an excellent way to heal yourself.

and I am going to try that too

Kardamom's avatar

You are definitely not in a good situation. It is one that you may need a little help with. First, I would recommend that you call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, even if he hasn’t hit you (yet) because they have a lot of good info on what to do to overcome your situation and how to do it safely. You can can get the phone number and more info here

Then I would tell your family and close friends (and HR person at work) about this situation and that you are trying to get away from this man and you need their cooperation. Let them know that they are not to give your contact info to this man and they need to tell you if he attempts to contact you.

You might want to speak to a lawyer to see if you need (or are eligible) to get a restraining order against him.

If you have any friends or relatives in law enforcement, ask them for advice and assistance on dealing with your ex-boyfriend. If you find that you need to move to another residence, you should have someone help you (especially some males or people in law enforcement).

It might be a good idea to take some self defense classes, like Karate. They can help you defend yourself physically if need be, but they also teach you discipline and self confidence, 2 things that you need to get over this guy and move forward.

And last, but not least, I think you should get some counseling to deal with the issues in your life and personality that got your into this situation in the first place. I’m not sure if you are in college, but if you are, the health services at your school should be able to give you a referral. If not, you can get a referral from your primary care physician. You need some sessions with a GOOD counselor and you need some time to separate yourself from this situation. Do not get involved in a romantic relationship with anyone until you have sorted out these problems and have lived a more normal life for awhile, six months or so of healthy lifestyle changes would be a good time frame before dating again.

Good luck to you my dear!

Kardamom's avatar

Oh, one more thing. You should consider replacing your avatar picture with something that is not a photo of you. The picture you are using on Fluther, while beautiful, is somewhat sexually provacative. Change your picture to a symbol, but don’t ever use your photo online on websites, other than ones in which you can completely control who sees them and who doesn’t. Protect yourself by not putting yourself in a position to be compromised. And don’t use your real name.

Scarlett's avatar

@kardamom – thanks, yeah you’re right i should… I always used a photo of Scarlett Johanson for my profile pic, but i’ll change it back to that. Thank you for that suggestion.Yes he has hit me in the past.

thanks for everyone’s help

Scarlett's avatar

@Neizvestnaya – Yes he is blocked from facebook, he even made a fake profile of a woman just to friend me and see what I was doing.

I’m gonna change my number and talk to a domestic violence shelter, thanks everyone

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Scarlett: Yes, do these things and hurt through it but get him out of your system because believe or not, the scent of a “loser” will hang on you and more well adjusted and giving people will wonder why you carry that around your neck, some will shy away or not be as open to you because they don’t want a run in with that guy.

Scarlett's avatar

@Neizvestnaya – U mean all the negative energy ??

skfinkel's avatar

You have to be really strong to resist this guy. Obviously there is a huge physical attraction. What you need to know is that you can have that same great physical experience with a good and kind man. Trust that you will find another, a better man, and be strong and do not talk to this guy or respond to him. He will not get better—there is nothing you can do to change him—and he will hurt you much more than he is now doing. It is more than you “deserve better”—this kind of man can ruin your life. Get away from him and stay away from him.

perspicacious's avatar

No contact. None.

softone's avatar

You’re so young. There must be some type of payoff for you. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just saying it. For some reason, it’s very hard for some of us to let go of someone we think we love, even if they aren’t treating us right. Maybe it’s the addiction to the excitement (like one of the other answerers said). Your life will calm down completely if you let him go without contact. Maybe part of you doesn’t want that to happen. Anyway, whatever you decide, be careful. If you cut off contact, he may show up. Be cautious. I hope you find peace with this situation. I’ve dated some nuts too, and I’m 46. You’re only 20, so cut him off and get on with your life. Also, look at the part you’ve played when you’re analyzing this. Don’t blame everything on him. He may be nuts, but did you see the “red flags” before getting involved with him? Is he your first relationship, so you didn’t know what to look for? You’ll learn alot about yourself if you do this. It will help you find a better partner next time around.

Kardamom's avatar

I’m so glad that you took the first step with changing your avatar. Nice choice!

Scarlett's avatar

@Kardamom – Thanks I know :) I’m sticking to real pictures for facebook, and only my real friends in life can see lol. He’s blocked for good!

@softone – What do you mean payoff ? I thought I really did love him, and considered him my future, but I know now it’s not the future I want or need.

Yes I did see red flags, like him having a long criminal background, and his past, but I chose to not see it. I thought he had changed for the better because we did have some good times, and he did act sweet sometimes… So I guess the red flags I knew weren’t normal, healthy, or right, I was either blind, or trying to fool myself….

Scarlett's avatar

@perspicacious – I’m not. I’m changing my phone number a.s.a.p, and he’s already blocked on facebook, and I also blocked some of his friends. I just need to find out now how to block him from my email (AOL). And then move, because he knows where I live.

perspicacious's avatar

@Scarlett It doesn’t matter if he calls, messages you on Facebook, texts, whatever—you do not have to say one word—not one word to him. People, especially woman, always ask “what should I say.” The answer is always the same—NOTHING. He will stop trying. Don’t give him so much power by changing numbers and even considering moving.

Scarlett's avatar

@perspicacious – Thank you….

Scarlett's avatar

I feel in a lot of pain, I miss him, but mostly likely he’s with another girl drinking beers or fucking her, whatever.

I’ve had the urge to call him, but I wouldn’t know how it would go from there.

It’s only been less than a week since I talked to him, so this wound is still new…

Kardamom's avatar

Think of something else to do whenever you get the urge to call him. You could call a girl friend or your mom or a cousin. Or do some exercise or start cleaning out your fridge or your closet. You have to come up with something so that you retrain yourself to do something else INSTEAD of calling him. I really want to emphasize to you that you need to get some good counseling and be totally free of dating anyone until you get some of these issues fixed. You have plenty of time for a relationship with a good guy down the line. You really are young, but you need a little help to get over this guy and start making better choices for yourself. Good luck dear.

Scarlett's avatar

I don’t really have any friends to talk to, or the few I know, I don’t feel I can open up to them. What would I say ? I feel like calling or just hugging, I know how pathetic it sounds to still want someone who hurt me a lot… But I’m trying.. It’s only been 4 days since I last heard from him.

I’m trying really hard but I feel like I’m dying inside.

That’s good advice though.. I’m gonna walk around, kep busy..

Thanks I do need counseling after all this, and to not fall into the same pattern again. It has been pretty traumatizing. But i’ll be okay I think.

Thank you Kardamom, means a lot

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
deckerp2's avatar

Yeah easier said than done when they are rooted and have their roots dug in! Then watch the fireworks

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

sounds like you need a support group…even something like a Sunday school womens group or Celebrate Recovery in your area…getting over an ex is a perfect reason to be in a circle of women every Thursday for their SUPPORT

and yes, if you are truly serious, and so young, change your contact numbers, it’s worth it and over time you will be so proud of yourself :)

this is part of live and love, I understand it hurts

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