General Question

zwingli's avatar

(NSFW) How to express needs to my wife?

Asked by zwingli (601 points ) October 14th, 2010

I was hoping to get advice about how to express my physical needs to my wife. Long story short she has been very sick over the past 6 months. This has consisted of 3 months in the hospital. She is currently going through chemo and we have a lot ahead of us. We’ve been home for the past 2½ months and we have had sex quite a bit since we’ve been back. But over the past few weeks it has dwindled.

But when it comes to our physical relationship, I can feel guilty expressing need. I obviously want to be sensitive and have compassion, while being able to communicate my needs . Help?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

15 Answers

Kayak8's avatar

Now may not be the best time for you to express your physical needs to your wife who sounds like she may be in a battle for her life. Chemo can be brutal and changes to one’s body during and after a fight against cancer can make you feel less than beautiful.

Perhaps a statement more along the lines of, “You know, you are ALWAYS beautiful to me and when you are feeling better, you know I would love to share my feelings for you in a physical way, just to remind you how much I care about you.” This speaks to a feeling she can likely relate to far more than your wanting to get your physical needs met (which, very likely, is not even on her radar screen at the moment). She needs the additional pressure of meeting your sex needs like a hole in the head at the moment. Just sayin’

JustmeAman's avatar

My wife has been sick for around 18 months and because of the illness we cannot get physical and have sex. It has been hard for me and I don’t wander or go anywhere else. She just can’t be that for me right now so I have to be her care giver and be there for her. She is getting better but I have no idea when things will again be good in the physical sense. Not sure what you can do but take care of it yourself for a while. Good Luck.

zwingli's avatar

Thanks for the comments. I think I should clear something up. My wife has actually been feeling great, she doesn’t necessarily feel a lot of side effects of her treatment. A few weeks ago she initiated a lot which made me think she was ready to get back in the saddle.

But maybe a break could be good.

Kayak8's avatar

@zwingli I just think you can word it in the context of your love for her rather than your concern for YOUR needs being met . . . .

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Ask her how she’s feeling with everything, that you notice she appears to handle her treatments well but you’re concerned if she’s putting up more appearance than what’s really going on. Mention how excited you were about her initiating (sex) but you’re a bit hesitant to initiate yourself because you’re not sure how well she’s up to it. Ask her how she feels about sex specifically, tell her you don’t want to feel like you’re pushing or that she’s accomodating to make you feel better for any previous lapse due to the illness. If you two keep checking in and forcing each other to talk about it then you’ll both probably have less anxiety in general and more sexual encounters.

palerider's avatar

the question is basically when to be selfless, when to be selfish, and when to be honest. i’m sorry to hear that your wife has been ill, but it seems that you have been by her side (selfless) and now that she may be in recovery it is time to be honest (but tactful) and somewhat selfish. (she probably wants you too, just may be too tired)

but maybe you could be accomodating anyway and ask her what you might do for her that might make sex easier (more pleasurable) for her.

zwingli's avatar

A lot of times we talk about it. We are only a year into our marriage so our physical communication still needs work.

JustmeAman's avatar

If you have a good relationship then you should be able to talk with her and let her know how you feel and still keep the respect and love in tact.

Response moderated (Spam)
janbb's avatar

You could say you have noticed there has been a falling off in recent weeks and you wonder if she is feeling bad or if she has any issues about the relationship. That could lead to a worthwhile discussion without it coming across as selfish on your part.

Rarebear's avatar

You give her her space and masturbate.

zwingli's avatar

I got lucky tonight ;) Thanks for all the input.

MeinTeil's avatar

Now sounds like a good time to give. Hopefully you are like me and get significant pleasure from providing and feeling appreciated.

If I were in your situation I would say and do all I could to remind her that she is beautiful to me. It’s likely her response will feel good to you.

Ask what would be her pleasure a couple times a week. It will suggest to her to do the same for you.

Give first, when she wishes to demonstrate her appreciation let fly!

shoebox's avatar

Romance, looking after her, expressing how you feel in words = love = love making = ignites the passion between you two :)

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther