Social Question

Loried2008's avatar

(NSFW) How would you feel about your SO having sex with you just because you want to and not because they want to?

Asked by Loried2008 (1998 points ) October 15th, 2010

Would it bother you if you expressed what you need sexually to your SO and they gave you what you asked for, but did so only because you asked, not because they wanted to?

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55 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Do I have to pay him?? ;)

janbb's avatar

Turn-aboout is fair play. I wouldn’t want it that way all the time, but an occasional pleasuring of the other just because they want it is o.k.

iamthemob's avatar

I actually am not a very sexual person, so I think that I can speak from the other side… I don’t think it’s a big deal unless I don’t want to have sex with my S/O at all, in particular. Otherwise, I don’t mind giving it up every now and then when I’m not really in the mood – because it’s just that I’m not in the mood, not that I don’t want to have sex with him. Those are two very…very different things.

Basically, what @janbb just said. :-)

sleepdoc's avatar

I think that should be part of a relationship. I don’t necessarily always like everything I help out with but I do it because it shows my concern and care. Ideally sex would be about mutal enjoyment but in the case that it might not be that way I think that doing something just to fulfill your partner is great!

Seaofclouds's avatar

Obviously I want my husband to want to have sex with me, but as @iamthemob pointed out, there is a difference between not being in the mood at that moment and completely not wanting to have sex period. If he’s not in the mood, but not really against it, and decided to do it anyway to please me, I don’t have a problem with that and I wouldn’t worry (we all have ups and downs with our libido from time to time). If he had no interest in having sex at all and gave in and did it to make me happy, I’d probably feel a little worried about him not wanting to have sex with me (especially if it happened a lot), but I’d be grateful that he was still concerned about my happiness and willing to do it.

Cruiser's avatar

If I am going to paint all the trim in the family room for her I am quite fine with it!! ;)

BoBo1946's avatar

@janbb my vote goes there…works both ways! Each person wants to meet the needs of their partner at anytime of the day, withstanding, sickness…without saying!

Loried2008's avatar

It’s more fulfilling and pleasing to me when I find that he and I both have pleasure instead of just one of us. I know, only in a perfect world lol When it has been a long time since you’ve done anything at all and they still act uninterested, would you feel the same way?

sleepdoc's avatar

@Loried2008 I think in that situation, talking about the issue is key. It is way to easy to just let things slide along and never get to the root of that tree.

Loried2008's avatar

@Seaofclouds and @iamthemob the situation would be actually that my partner is not interested at all and hasn’t been for almost 4 months >.> And we are newlyweds!!!

GeorgeGee's avatar

Most things are give and take. If Fred mows the lawn, does it have to be because he likes it, and not because you asked or because it needs doing? If Wilma shops for groceries, same thing. It’s entirely reasonable to ask your partner to rub your back simply because it hurts, and if they do it for you because they care, that works for me, they don’t have to say “oOoo, I LOVE rubbing your back, I so totally get off on it, wheeee”

iamthemob's avatar

@Loried2008 – I am the same way as your partner…in many ways, it’s because I prefer (1) the foreplay to the main event, and (2) the intimacy to some of the messy side effects of sex. ;-)

Don’t get me wrong – you gotta love it. But I am still mondo attracted to my boyfriend, and we have our times. Just don’t think it’s a signal of anything other than your partner just not being in the mood.

Now…can I ask…are you still pregnant? Might they have one of those “I don’t want that to be the first thing the baby sees” things? Or maybe one of those “we just had a baby I don’t want to do that again for a while” things? Or “I’m too tired from being a parent to be a lover” things?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@Loried2008 You guys need to talk about it. Is he on any kind of medication that could be affecting his sex drive? Is he depressed? There are medical reasons that could be affecting his sex drive (especially if this is a major change from how things were). My husband was put on medication a few years ago that totally killed his sex drive. He had absolutely no interest in sex and if I brought it up, he just shrugged it off. After a few weeks of no sex, I pointed it out (we had been having it multiple times a weeks up until that point, so it was a big change). He said he didn’t even realize it had been that long. He went to his doctor, got switched to a different medication and things went back to our normal. If you’ve talked to your husband about it and talking hasn’t been enough, perhaps a doctor’s appointment would help.

sleepdoc's avatar

In some regards, I think this core question happens with lots of things in a relationship. How many times have you heard or seen the discussion where the one person says I want you to do (fill in this blank) because you want to do it for me or because you want to do it and not because I have to ask you to do it.

FutureMemory's avatar

For me sex is more about connecting with my partner than just getting off, so generally speaking I wouldn’t want to be given any form of mercy sex or ‘gift’ sex. I’m far too much of a hopeless romantic nerd to enjoy it solely from a physical standpoint.

Loried2008's avatar

@iamthemob Yes I am still pregnant… but I have this nagging feeling that there is something else that is bothering him. He didn’t want to have sex even when I wasn’t showing. I know already that there is a chance it’s tied to stress, but I’m stressed too and I do things for him to please him alone. It hurts my feelings when I’m so ready to give him what he wants and I want him, but he isn’t interested in me. I feel like it’s a burden to him to be with me in that way…

janbb's avatar

@Loried2008 Have you talked to him about it? You really need to.

BoBo1946's avatar

yeah, i’m @janbb also on this one. Communication is everything in a relationship! He might…this sounds crazy… feel guilty about instruding on the baby’s space! I know i did…too some degree!

Loried2008's avatar

@janbb I have, I’ve told him exactly what I’ve said here. When we ever have to talk to each other about how we feel things get better, but this particular situation hasn’t changed at all. He doesn’t seem too weirded out by my pregnancy and I do know he has been stressed, but that comes and goes. Even on a great day where we both were happy and things were fine, no stress, he didn’t want to.

Seek's avatar

My husband had no interest in sex while I was pregnant, either. Which was fine by me, as I was miserable.

A lot of guys get what some people call a “Madonna Complex” – that is, you’re carrying their baby. You’ve gone from “Woo! Sexy time!” to “OMGThatsTheWomanWho’sMagicallyBringingMyOffspringToLife!” and he couldn’t possibly dream of defiling this magnificent being with his sweaty, grunting horniness.

sleepdoc's avatar

@Loried2008… there still may be something more that you don’t know. Sometimes what you are feeling just sounds well mortifying to you and it is hard to bring yourself to say it to someone else.

Loried2008's avatar

@Seek_Kolinahr x) lol!!!! I love your comment

iamthemob's avatar

@Loried2008@Seek_Kolinahr references a very, very common occurrence.

Loried2008's avatar

@sleepdoc That’s very true. I think maybe if I explain a bit further it would make more sense where I’m coming from. When we dated we didn’t share a lot of things with each other. We finally learned to communicate and since then things have been very transparent. Except for this issue.. He hid things from me in the past and acted the same way he’s acting now. I was happy to say to anyone that we shared our thoughts and feelings beautifully until now. I’m scared he’s keeping more from me. Maybe I’m just insecure or something.

sleepdoc's avatar

@Loried2008 I can’t say that he isn’t not telling you something. But if I could place a bet it would be that he either is worried about stressing you by telling you or it is something that he finds, irrational or so out there that he just doesn’t want to share it.

Loried2008's avatar

@sleepdoc Maybe that’s the case. I sure hope so to be honest. Either way I have to say even though I love being pregnant I’m anxious to see how things change with him after she’s here and we get settled in at home. I tell him there’s nothing he could tell me that would make me not want to be with him or love him any less.

sleepdoc's avatar

@Loried2008 Another thing I would keep in mind. Men don’t nest they stress.

john65pennington's avatar

Obviously, it take two to tango. this situation is very common. one partner may desire sex more than the other partner. the key to resolving this situation is communication. tell your partner how you feel and your desires. you might be surprised at the end results.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

How was your relationship before the pregnancy? If your bf wasn’t relationship material or at least not the kind you want then a pregnancy and marriage isn’t going to change that for the better.

Loried2008's avatar

@Neizvestnaya Sex wise? There wasn’t a day that went by that we weren’t doing something sexual. Relationship wise? I’m not gonna lie it wasn’t all that great for awhile, but things got better before we got married and before I was pregnant.

janbb's avatar

I may be reading between the lines but it sounds like you may be worrying that he is having sex with someone else now?

Loried2008's avatar

@janbb Not that severe.. More like I’m afraid he’s emotionally cheating on me.

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t tell me though, because we are very open and I am more than understanding. I’m not the jealous type and I give him his space as he gives me mine. I know that “a feeling” isn’t enough to go on, but he’s been acting so weird about it.

janbb's avatar

I think men do have a lot of issues about their sexuality (as do women) so it may be more of the Madonna issue that he just can’t verbalize. Maybe you just have to accept for now that if he is willling to please you, that is where it will be for a while.

Loried2008's avatar

@janbb Yeah, I suppose so. It makes me sad that something is missing from our relationship, but it’s worse that something is eating at him. I hope it gets better I don’t like feeling like I don’t make him happy.

janbb's avatar

In any marriage, there are times of greater closeness and greater distance. It’s riding them out that’s a challenge.

ucme's avatar

Well the wife’s never going to have that issue. I mean, i’m always going to be good to go! Basically if i’m going to be afforded a courtesy fuck, then so be it. She can read a book or do her nails, whatever takes her fancy. As long as there’s a “reaction” at the end, i’m good :¬)

Seek's avatar

^ I lol’d at that visual.

“Can you put away the nail polish remover at least? I’m trying to change positions and I don’t want to spill it on the sheets.”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@ucme and @Seek_Kolinahr ROFLMAO!!!!!! Seriously… your comments just made my rootbeer shoot out my nose. It burns. Which one of you is going to come over and clean my computer screen now before it gets sticky?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@ucme: I once had a mother-in-law who stressed the importance of the conjugal bed. She said sometimes she’d imagine organizing her craft projects during the act or shopping lists for the family. Her advice was to be source of giving, respite and healing for the partner. Her dear son told me he would be appalled if I pulled something like that but in retrospect I believe her story had some basis and had I been less self centered, self righteous and more nurturing/giving then maybe my marriage would have grown rather than withered.

ucme's avatar

@Neizvestnaya That’s all good then…......I think!

deni's avatar

I think that every once in a while that’s okay. But not all the time. If every time I wanted it he didn’t, that would be a problem whether we ended up doing it or not. And vice versa. Sometimes I don’t want to have sex but I feel it’s perfectly okay to have sex anyhow just because I want to give him pleasure and make him happy. Aint no thang.

hug_of_war's avatar

I find it morally reprehensible.

iamthemob's avatar

@hug_of_war – No sex for you, then. Next! (this may be the one Seinfeld reference I can muster)

risingonashes's avatar

@Loried2008 I know that my friends who are newlyweds and are pregnant are going through this same thing. Some guys just get bothered by the whole pregnancy and sex thing, I do not think it is fair to you because your hormones are craving it.

When my wife was pregnant she just kept me really involved and made me take lemans classes. This got me more in tune to what she needed and what was going on with her.
It helped our sex life out alot! Give it a shot, just so you know we got pregnant on our honeymoon so we were newlyweds as well.

ratboy's avatar

Fuckin’ great.

Loried2008's avatar

@risingonashes I wanted to take some classes but none are offered where I live :(

risingonashes's avatar

@Loried2008 did you call the hostipals in your area? They are usally the ones who have the classes. If not then that is weird, they should be wanting to teach those classes. Even if it is not the hospital you will be having your baby at if they offer them take them.

The only other thing i would say is get yourself some new lingerie or some bedroom costumes and surprise him wearing them. That might get stuff going, if not maybe just a sit down and explain everything and how you feel about it.

Loried2008's avatar

@risingonashes Yeah there’s only one hospital within 2 hours of my home and it only offers a parenting class for a ridiculous amount of money. Costumes are a good idea lol I got lingerie and it had no affect on him.

risingonashes's avatar

@Loried2008 sounds like dress up is the way to go then! Its Halloween now so stock up on a bunch of themes haha :)

cockswain's avatar

I’d feel better about it than if she said “don’t touch me.”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@ucme I just asked my husband this question and he says he’s fine with a “courtesy fuck”. Then he giggled. I think I’m in for it tonight…

ucme's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate Be sure to read a good book! :¬)

Tomfafa's avatar

I am going to make a guilty revelation… I knew a girl who was pregnant (not mine) and horny. It was sooooooo nice! So passionate and personal and deep and wicked. She radiated beauty. Her body really was an amazing temple of life. Glad she found someone good. We are still close… not intimate.

thesparrow's avatar

Yes.. I have done that before (and still do it).

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