Social Question

livestrong's avatar

Is this a joke?

Asked by livestrong (213 points ) October 23rd, 2010

So 3 years ago I met this guy through a friend and we really hit it off. From then on we talked everyday for hours on the phone. Sadly, we go to school hours away from each other. He came to visit and things were great, a couple months later he started dating this girl out of the blue. I was confused and hurt but months later I started dating someone else. Eventually they broke up and he began calling me everyday again. While we are both single and talking every day again he says we shouldn’t date and just be friends because it wouldn’t work since we are so far away but also says “he sees things being different once we graduate in May.” It seems no matter how many people we both date we end up coming back to each other. Does he really care and just not want to mess things up for the future or am I just a sucker?

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21 Answers

boxer3's avatar

It sounds like this guy may be stringing you along,
whatever you decide to do, keep your head in the right place,
and dont let your heart over throw what you know is right.

Be Strong.

janbb's avatar

But maybe he is sincere? If you really like him, maybe keeping dating others, keep talking to him and see what happens come May. Or – just flat out ask him if he’s stringing you along?

livestrong's avatar

I really really really do like him. I’ve dated other people and in all my past relationships have NEVER felt this strongly about someone. Its unexplainable. But your right…I guess just do my own thing and see what May brings. I’ve brought up the whole stringing me along thing which is why for the past couple months we’ve cut down on talking and the way we talk because he says he doesn’t want to play with my emotions because right now he really doesn’t want a relationship. But after all that he also said that thing about after we graduate things being different. I guess we’ll see.

boxer3's avatar

@livestrong , my biggest question is what will be so different when the two of you graduate,
I mean, there’s still going to be distance between you right….which wouldn’t be a big deal, If that didn’t seem to be the underlying reason for his hesitation to committ.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I hate being in a situation like that…trying to imagine if things really will be better once x, y, z happens (I’ve been there) and it drives me crazy so my new policy is the now is now and life is now and I need to know what our relationship is now and not what it will be whenever in the future and therefore I need to know if you like me/love me/need me now and if you don’t, then nothing will be happening now but don’t expect me to be available whenever you’re finally ready to commit or spit something sincere out..ugh.

boxer3's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir , I may just adopt that mindset.

livestrong's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir…....I definitely agree with you. It’s so hard but you are so right as far as now is now. I just hate playing the wondering game especially since my feelings for him are soooo strong. Thank you!

livestrong's avatar

@boxer3 your right….the issue of distance will still probably be….maybe its just a mixture of distance and wanting to “live up” his last year of college?....bahhhh :(

thekoukoureport's avatar

You both are having fun continue to do so. Be friends rather than pressure for the long distance relationship. Learn all you can and make an informed decision when the time is right.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Situations like this are hard. Really the best thing you can do is focus on what he is saying about right now. Right now, he doesn’t want a relationship, so you know where you stand. Enjoy yourself and if you meet someone else, see what happens. I wouldn’t wait for someone that just says things will be different.

livestrong's avatar

@Seaofclouds and @thekoukoureport you both are so right. You can’t make someone want something they don’t. Its not a matter of him stringing me along especially if I live in the mindset of “only worrying about right now” because like @Seaofclouds said….right now I know where I stand.

truecomedian's avatar

You are a dude right, and you talk to this other dude on the phone for hours a day. Uh, what do you guys talk about??

perspicacious's avatar

Probably both

josie's avatar

There’s one born every minute…

livestrong's avatar

@truecomedian I’m a girl? What are you talking about?

livestrong's avatar

@josie Theres one what born every minute?

aprilsimnel's avatar

Phone Dude has you on the pull, @livestrong, whether that’s on purpose or not. He’s not that into you, to borrow a cliché. Someone who was that into you would have made that beyond clear by this point and made an effort to be with you.

Your feelings for him are “so strong” because they’re actually towards him as a fantasy object. As long as you are not actually in this young man’s presence daily, seeing him and interacting with him daily and not learning about (and looking past) his flaws, then you are creating an idea of him in your mind that is most likely not true. Phone calls don’t mean jack. I think you know that.

Give the men who are actually dating and making the effort to get to know you a real chance and back off from Phone Dude.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I don’t know. If this guy’s been calling you pretty much every day for 3 years, except for a few months when he had a girlfriend, that’s a little unusual. What does he think will be different after you graduate? Is he making plans to move near you? Does he expect you to move near him? Do you both come from the same home town? Exactly how far apart are you?

I would not commit to anything without knowing what his intentions are. And I certainly would not commit to anything that involves you doing all the work, and changing whatever plans you had after graduation.

KhiaKarma's avatar

this is probably what josie was talking about.

I agree with @thekoukoureport

Kardamom's avatar

It sounds like he likes you, but that you are his “fall back” girl. I agree that he’s not that into you, although I don’t doubt that he likes you as a friend. It would have been made perfectly clear to you if he thought of you as his girl friend.

DO NOT make any attempts to move near him after you graduate unless he makes it perfectly clear that you and he have a future together, which unfortunately, would/should involve a temporary long distance relationship before any kind of a move should be made. That being said, most long distance relationships do not work out for the reasons @aprilsimnel mentioned.

If you only talk to someone on the phone, even though it may seem very exciting and romantic, it’s just not real. You have to be in the presence of someone day in and day out to really know them. And even then, you can never be sure because people are fickle and the grass is always greener on the other side.

Make it easier on yourself by forgetting the “fantasy” of this far away person and concentrate on the nice guys that are near you and like you and give you a realistic idea of how they feel about you and what they’re looking for in a relationship. And DON’T compare any new guys to fantasy man. Take each person on their own merits.

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