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dont's avatar

How do I get over a fear of commitment and forgive someone for a "seemingly" small offense? Am I just looking for a reason to bail every single time? Am I maybe supposed to be alone?

Asked by dont (90 points ) November 19th, 2010

Like a similar question I’ve asked, it’s the whole ‘should or should I not?’ thing. I keep leaving for what I’ve been told are too high standards, and I have some real admittedly trust problems from my past. But if I don’t trust you, we really have nothing, right? Just seems like every time I turn around, I get crapped on and have to bail. So, I just stopped dating. For a long time. Like years! Now I trust (almost) somebody, and dammit here it comes again! I’m losing my faith in the myth that there’s someone for everyone.

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9 Answers

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Perhaps you should consider getting to know yourself better. It wouldn’t hurt to make a plan for your life and pursue it with all your fury, without anyone else involved. Chances are, somewhere along your journey, you’ll run into someone who is pursuing a similar path. You can both go from there.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

You are so right, if there is no trust there really is NOTHING. Of course that does not mean you are destined to be alone. As you get older and get to know yourself and what makes others tick better, you will see that things start to become slightly clearer. I would say don’t make a relationship the goal of your life. Keep going on your journey with a wary but open mind and somewhere along the line, someone who is out for the same values will bump into you. That won’t happen in a day, but there is no need to get desperate or hurt. Here’s hoping that you will be rewarded for your long wait!

faye's avatar

For me it would depend on what the offense was. I don’t think I’ll ever trust an SO again but I’m oldish and content to care about other things for now. I think I trusted willy-nilly and need to learn more about myself, and forgive myself. You sound much further on this journey. Communication is an issue with trusting, I find, too. I’m not sure being alone is all that bad.

CaptainHarley's avatar

It’s not a myth. It’s true. I never believed it either, but now I do.

Perhaps you are finding offense where none is intended? Perhaps you are sabotaging yourself by looking for reasons to find “offense?” Perhaps you are setting your standards impossibly high? Perhaps you are setting standards that YOU couldn’t even meet if they were set for you?

BarnacleBill's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. I agree with @CaptainHarley and @RealEyesRealizeRealLies.

I would add that perhaps your criteria in selecting people is flawed. If same thing happens over and over again, then something about the type of person you’re attracted to might need closer examination.

snowberry's avatar

If I were to distill your question down to a book, it would a book about boundaries or being assertive. Saying what you want in an appropriate manner, and recognizing when your boundaries are broken, as well as when you aren’t keeping boundaries will help you prevent this problem in the future.

Do a search for “boundaries” or “being assertive.” You will find results for everything from websites to workshops to books. I’m especially fond of Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

Here’s a cool book to go through with your prospective spouse. http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1290256381&sr=1-1

The questions in that book are not unlike the questions on this site, even if this particular one is designed for women alone.
http://www.jannah.org/sisters/queshusbands.html

marinelife's avatar

I think you could really use some therapy to help you separate the past from the present. You have the trust issues to work through, the commitment phobia.

You may be seeking partners who will let you down. You need to make your process much more conscious.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

There are people out there who don’t have anything sordid to hide or lie about, don’t lower your standards. Be upfront about who you are, what you’re looking for out of life and the right people will be able to keep pace with you. It’s frustrating and the odds aren’t thrilling but out of 10 people you’re interested in then maybe 2 of them will be a good match, out of those 2 then one might be at the right place in their life to be with you and it’ll be fantastic like it was worth the wait.

BeccaBoo's avatar

I so know where your coming from, its like a battle with your feelings every time they do something that raises your suspicions….....but my advice, take the risk, your more aware of what you will tolerate this time, be honest about your feelings, and if the other person really wants to take things further and knows just what they are getting into, you know you will not be to blame should it not work out. Go for it, you never know you might just get you soul mate out of it.

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