How to deal with a hostile attitude from my father to my boyfriend?

While you may love your father his behavior is not healthy, nor conducive to continuing to grow in his relationship with you.

This is not about your boyfriend or you, it is about his internal issues and, clearly, his own emotional baggage.

I think you need to be very clear with your dad and let him know that his attitude is going to end up causing some serious problems in your relationship and that he might very wello end up putting you in a really bad position of having to choose your boyfrined or relationship over him.

In other words, Daddy O needs to know he is well on the way to creating a self fulfilling prophecy, and if he really wants a good relationship with you in your adulthood he might want to consider some counseling to help him get over whatever his problem is in accepting you as an adult with a life and relationship.

Is there something different about your current boyfriend (as opposed to the other guys you have dated), other than the large age difference, that might be setting your dad off? As awful as it sounds, some parents do not like it when their children date people of other races, or faiths. Does your boyfriend have any tatoos or piercings or any other kind of “look” that might make your dad upset? Has your boyfriend ever been involved with drugs (now or in the past) or has he ever been in trouble with the law. These are ususally the things that get parents upset.

Give us a little more info and we’ll try to help you talk to your dad. How did you 2 meet?

Well, please listen to my answer.

I can tell you firsthand, what is ailing your dad. it’s jealousy. i was the same way with my daughter. i hated each and every male that came between my daughter and myself. sure, i was jealous. why? there is a strange male character invading my family’s space and i am taking the defensive side.

Apparently your dad sees something in this current boyfriend, that you do not see. fathers and mothers have a knack for that sort of thing. i assume you are over the age of 18. if so, this situation is yours alone. your dad has been your protector all of your life, until now.

I say this, if this is THE ONE, then take it easy on your dad. its very hard to hand you over to a total stranger. been there done that. he only has your best interest at heart. go gentle with your dad. he is now having to play 2nd fiddle to his little girl and believe me, as a dad, that hurts…...a lot.

Your father should realise he is not losing his daughter but rather gaining a son. Perhaps he feels he is being left on his own. Are your parents still together? Either way your father must accept that you are no longer a little girl and you have to move on. And remember, you may get other boyfriends but you will never get another father.

@Kardamom : There are three main difference. 1) He is not European. I am first generation American and I have always dated other first generation Americans or foreigners. This is the first “all American boy” I have ever been interested in. 2) He doesn’t have a university degree or involved in the arts, but he is financially secure (my father is a bit of a cultural elitist). 3) This is the first boy I have ASKED him to meet.

He doesnt drink or do drugs or have tattoos (where as most of my past boyfriends have) and he is very clean cut.

@john56pennington : I think you are right. His opinion and support means the world to me, and nothing hurts me more than when he is unhappy. How can I encourage communication?

He also might have concerns about his lack of a degree, but maybe he doesn’t even know?

@AZByzantium It does sound like your dad is upset that your boyfriend is American. Do you live in the United States or do you live in Europe? Sounds like dad’s elitist attitude is also part of the problem.

I would suggest that you talk to your boyfriend first and find out how serious he is about you first. Does he want to marry you? If you guys are not at that point yet, then the second part of my answer won’t really help.

If your boyfriend is serious and wants to marry you sometime in the future (hopefully after you’ve completed your education) then set up a date to go to your father together and possibly bring along another family member who is supportive and understands all of this, kind of as an abitrator and someone for dad to also have on his side. Then sit down with dad and both you and your boyfriend should lay out the plan to dad about how you will support yourselves, where you will live and how much your dad’s love and support mean to you. Your boyfriend should speak to him man to man during this conversation and he should point out examples of how this will work and how he will support you (financially and emotionally) and that he wants to be respectful towards your dad and that he expects to be given respect in return. And that he will be an addition to the family, not be taking away from the family. Just keep reminding dad how important it is for him to be respectful and accepting of your boyfriend, because if he isn’t, you all have so much to lose. Then ask dad how he thinks this situation could get better. Dad’s answers will guide you on what to do next.

@AZByzantium

Yes, but, ‘love’ is all about wanting anothers happiness and it is not of a selfish nature.

True love of any kind requires expansion, not digression or maintaining a status quo that selfishly prevents anothers growth.

I adore my daughter who just turned 23 and has been living with her bf for almost a year now.

I fully accept him, like him, and make it a point to always let them BOTH know that I think they are doing a damn good job in their relationship and how much I support whatever it is they both desire.

This includes happily taking a ‘back seat’ at times to accomodate their busy schedules and other obligations.

This year she is spending Xmas day at her bf’s family and I have no issue in doing our Xmas ( which also includes her bf ) the day after.

Your father needs to free you to make your own choices and mistakes, period.

Knowing how to let go of a parenting role is very important.

I am a huge believer in focusing on the positives in all situations and I would never dream of interjecting my criteria onto my daughter or her bf.

He is ⅔rds done with his education, not sure if he will actually end up doing what he majors in, but I could care less about any of that.

He is a great, honest, loyal, incredibly smart guy and he treats my daughter like a princess.

Thats good enough for me and I praise him a lot for his intelligence and integrity.

My parents did not like my boyfriend. Years later I understood why. Their concerns were well founded (I had to threaten divorce to get him to listen), but we have been married for 33 years now, and all the concerns have been dealt with.

@snowberry What were their concerns?

Love can sometimes blind us to people’s faults. Is there any chance your father’s dislike of this fellow is valid?

Perhaps your father is reacting to you, and not your boyfriend. What’s your track record with the types of guys you’ve dated? You’ve known this guy 5 months, are buying property together but aren’t engaged….

Not much you can do until you are paying your own bills.
If you already are, then you pick the boyfriend or your father.
If you pick the boyfriend and he turns out to be a winner, and not a loser your father will be OK and he will come around.
If he turns out to be a loser, your father will still come around, but pay attention to the signals next time around.

After reading what you wrote about your dad then I am familiar with his attitude. In his eyes a plain ole “American” is not going to treat you as well as he thinks someone with a shared cultural and family heritage would. He thinks your family won’t be respected as well.

“The Ugly American” is a typical fear so many families have, no one wants their child to be someone’s 2nd class citizen spouse. You may think those days are gone and that modern society doesn’t view couples the same anymore but you’d be surprised. People look at the typical white/anglo guy and wonder, “what’s he doing with her?”. Your da probably wants you esteemed in the eyes of a spouse, spouse’s family and circle of friends more than an exotic sidekick.

Be patient with your dad and let him come to you over time. You and your guy have big plans that will take time and your dad will get to see them made real. In time he’ll come to trust and respect your guy not just for doing well by the both of you but also for putting up with your dad’s initial suspicions and bristlings.