Intrested in me or my money?

Welcome to Fluther.

What are you doing this weekend? My treat.

I would suggest facing it head on, especially the next time he gives you an opening like that. Look him square in the face and tell him straight up, “Who’s already paying for everything else?” If he’s into you for you then he should be properly embarrassed and (at the very least) shut up about asking for more. And if he gets on his high horse and leaves, then at least you know he can’t afford to come back.

I think you know.

Time to pack up and move on.

If the situation was reversed (man with money, women not) would we be so quick to say move on? I don’t think so. We’d figure the guy has money so he should pay.

Ask yourself… Does he make you happy? Does the relationship seem like it can last? Do you think he’s worth it? Make sure to have him sign a pre-nup if things get really serious.

So let me get this straight. If the guy is too poor to afford gasoline, you aren’t interested in him? I’d just like to know who’s into whom about money?

It’s tough, but @CyanoticWasp is right when he says you should address it head on, though I can’t agree with the statement that he should be embarrassed, or that he shouldn’t even ask about petrol money. What would you do if you wanted to see him, but couldn’t afford to, and knew he could pay for it?

Are you resenting it because it’s becoming a financial strain or because you automatically assume that he’s only into you for your money?

Perhaps he has some financial issues that he’s embarrassed to talk about, and though he likes you for you, he is finding it hard to continue spending the little he has to make the trip. You say that he rarely pays, suggesting that he does on occasion. Maybe what he has spent so far has been more than he could afford, but has kept quiet because he didn’t want to appear as poor as he is. Perhaps he could pay for meals, but is feeling less than wealthy and it seems to him like you don’t mind paying for things, so he doesn’t bring it up. People can act funnily in new relationships sometimes, and maybe he’s just put up the image that he’s financially stable because he thinks that that is what you need him to be.

@worriedguy has a great point about what people would think if the genders were reversed. We’re well into the 21st century, after all.

No one here can tell you for certain whether or not this fellow is trying to take advantage of you, or if he genuinely enjoys seeing you but can’t afford it. The best thing to do is address it head on. Figure out what you need a partner’s financial contributions to be, and ask about his ability to meet that need. If he’s genuinely dirt poor, are you okay with that? Can you make an arrangement that works for both of you? If the relationship were to progress further, would you be happy as the primary breadwinner? Whatever the arrangement, there is no right or wrong way to handle it, as long as you’re both being clear and honest about it, and can be happy.

Ask him directly, be open minded, and use your judgement. Good luck!

I think it depends on the situation, and at the least, it deserves an honest conversation between the two of you. It could be that he doesn’t have the money. If that’s the case, then you have to decide if you want to be the bread winner in the relationship or if you want the man in your life to be the bread winner. If he does have money, but doesn’t want to spend it, you need to talk about splitting things more evenly if that’s what you want.

Sit down with him, have a talk about it and go from there.

The reason I stated my response the way I did was because “resentment” has already been raised. Had it not been a cloud on the OP’s horizon, then I’d say that things could easily continue the way they have, and even ‘assisting with travel expenses’ doesn’t have to be out of the question. (I normally travel on my own nickel to see my inamoratas, and pay for everything once I’m there, regardless of who ‘can’ best afford to. That’s just me. If I thought I was being taken advantage of, then I wouldn’t be there at all.)

But once “resentment” enters the picture, then it’s time for the relationship to go one of two ways: confront the topic and get everyone’s cards on the table, or end the relationship as amicably as possible. Perhaps my tone was too High Noon, the way it can be sometimes.

@CyanoticWasp “inamoratas”? How did I get this far in life without knowing that word? Thanks!

Stick around, kid. I’m currently looking for the personification of an houri.

@CyanoticWasp Really? Does she have to wear a veil and have doe eyes?
@BermudaBear For the second time in a 24 hour period, I am telling someone “Drop him like the bag of dirt that he is.”
Life is too short, and you would be far better off alone than paying somene for the dubious pleasure of his company. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Walk away and never lot back. No self respecting man would ever threat a lady that way!

@Trillian loll… or the white horse he rode in on!

Call it quits. He is attracted to you for your money, and he is out for everything he can get.

He has given you an out. Now you can say, “Well, since it is too expensive for you to drive to see me, perhaps we had better stop seeing one another, because I am unable to help you pay for it.

I find this incredible, although it happens quite often. The guy is after a free ride. Dump him… NOW!

I think the question is simply this: Are you willing to be with someone who you will have to “carry” in one way or another for the foreseeable future? (I would not be willing and if feeling resentful now, I would end it). You didn’t say why he is short – is he out of work? Does it look temporary? or is he one to make all kinds of excuses why he is short of money. Does he lay around all day or does he have a good job, nice apartment and just not much to spare?

There are far more details needed…. for instance, how does he treat you, does he show genuine interest, does he care about you ,call, etc, etc.

Whether or not he has the money to pull out his wallet at dinner shouldn’t be the only determining factor in deciding if he’s after your money.

@Trillian doe eyes are an absolute must. Veils are optional.

@CyanoticWasp I read someplace that due to its importance to them, Eskimos have over 25 different ways to describe snow. Is that why you have such a rich vocabulary relating to the subject of women?”
(I’m learning, Master, I’m learning…)

@worriedguy I suspect that those “26 words for snow” are on the order of “goddamn snow”, “fucking snow”, “arrgh! snow!” and the like.

Don’t get me started on ‘women’.

I think both should chip in. I think there is nothing wrong with a man taking a woman out to a nice dinner, night out on the town and he is expected to pay, or perhaps even vice versa. But things like gas, every meal, not even going half, I would suggest put a stop to it.

I would say if you do not want to brush it off right away, or face it head on, try saying something like “I’m broke for the next two weeks”. Go two weeks pretending like you are broke and stuck at home and see what his reaction is.

But if he keeps asking for gas money, and having you buy his meals, I would definitely say move on. I’m sure you do not want to be with someone who cant take care of themselves financially, and I’m sure its not going to get any better.

Overall I would say, and I hope this doesn’t offend you, don’t be an enabler. I have seen many situations where men seek out women that will take care of them (knowingly or not), and woman keep spending money, paying rent etc, with the hopes of he’ll pay me back, or he’s gonna get a job eventually. They’re not.

@CyanoticWasp Sorry, can’t help you. I’m more the Valkyrie type. Sounds like you just want, well, an object, for lack of a better term. I wish you well.

Well, for an houri, the doe eyes are an absolute must. But Valkyrie is on my list, too. I just hadn’t got to the Vs yet.

If you and this gentleman get along and you enjoy his company then you need to accept that part of his presence in your life and that he is cash poor. Money is meant to be used and if you got some to spare then it use it. Life is too short to pass up a chance to be with someone you care about and money should never be an issue there.

But if you are now surprised by the empty pockets on this man there may be other surprises as well!

In 3 months time then any couple usually addresses money in relation to dating, I think. Those with less usually at least say they’d like to reciprocate in kind if they could. Anyone who doesn’t offer any explanation would raise my suspicions.

Again if the situation was reversed, (man with money woman without) I’d like to see the woman at least offer to pay something, allowing the man the opportunity to politely refuse.

But if things are legit as @Cruiser said “life is too short” to worry about this.
Only you can decide if things are legit.

@worriedguy I would figure no such thing – in fact, I’d be even quicker to say move on, but that’s just me.

He’s a loser.

The kicker is asking for gas money. Whether male or female, people should take turns making the drive to date in a distance relationship. If he is asking for gas money, arranging the date, and sticking you with the bill, he sounds like a “working boy.” What’s next, money for “the powder room”?

There are often financial inequities in dating, but generally this generally balanced out by doing a fair amount of inexpensive dates – eating at home, watching movies, having friends over to play board or card games, playing a sport like golf or tennis, etc.

How did you meet? Did he know you had money when you started seeing each other? Maybe he didn’t realize you two would hit it off so well or how expensive it might be to travel to see you.

Talk to him about it. There are a lot of good, worthwhile people who don’t have your amount of money but aren’t out digging for gold either. He may genuinely like you but be having financial problems.

@Supacase: Don’t you think by the first 5 dates then most males or females would’ve spoken up and said, “gee, wish I could pitch in… I sure would like to treat you sometime but…” something? For this to go on for 3 months is just not right.