What terms are generally accepted/disliked/preferred by the gay community?

I feel like there’s no generally accepted terms – everyone has had their encounters with bigotry so we all react to different words differently.

I just wouldn’t stress out about it, as there are really only two times when it should be coming up when used to describe a particular person: (1) if they come out to you, whatever the reason, and (2) when you know, and someone of the opposite sex shows interest, and you’re in a god position to say “Ooooh…no…sorry…s/he’s gay.”

Otherwise, if someone takes issue with you saying “gays” or “homosexuals” as opposed to LGBT, and can’t communicate that respectfully…well, that person is a PC douchebag.

In my experience, the preferences are as diverse as the demographic itself, and I guess that in the end it depends on the context and personal preference.

For instance, a gay person and a close friend nudging each others’ shoulders and saying “haha, you’re such a fag” and giggling about it is much different than Fred Phelps saying “God hates fags.”

Since gay people aren’t some monolithic monoculture, I think that in the end it is impossible to create a universally accepted term for their sexual orientation or preferences, and that’s okay.

I think it depends on the way the words are used. Like @Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard said, you giggling with your friend about being a “fag” is acceptable because it’s your friend. Just calling some random gay person a “fag” is generally not accepted and is considered very rude and intolerant.

To me it’s the same situation as the difference between black people constantly calling each other N***** or My N***** , and white people calling black people that. It’s okay for them to do it, but not okay for others. I actually have a lot of issues with that… I feel that if a word is acceptable for your friends or the same race to use, then it should just be an acceptable word period or it shouldn’t be used at all, period.

As has been mentioned, “gay” encompasses as many kinds of people as there are kinds of straight people. Language shifts and varies depending on location, as well, so it’s impossible to speak for us all. Plus, there will always be people who find problems to complain about, so I’m sure there are even some people out there who are offended by anything less than a drag queen in the White House and fabulousness for All. Actually, I could totally get down with that. Can we make that happen?

The safest term would probably be “gay”. As in, “he/she is gay”. For me, the only time “gay” as a noun is acceptable is in the phrase gays in the military. “A gay” or “the gays” are things too often spoken by ignorant and/or hateful people and they get my hackles up a bit when I hear them.

Everything else doesn’t matter, really. You probably shouldn’t use the other words unless you know that the company you’re in is cool with it. If you’re friends long enough, the topic will most likely come up in conversation at some point. Actually, if you’re not sure, you could probably just ask the person. If someone, especially a friend, came to me and asked what I’d like to be called because they respect my preferences, I’d love them so much for caring about my feelings and for being respectful, open, and direct!

The other words, it depends. They’re charged words and you have to be careful because they have different connotations to everyone. I believe we’ve reclaimed these words amongst ourselves and I feel that, unless you’ve been on the receiving end of a slur, you can’t really understand why the gay community, or the African-American community, feels the need to take back language rooted in hate and oppression. The slurs and stereotypes are part of the culture, there are still people who use this language in hate, and reclaiming a word is a way to make it sting less when it’s hurled at you.

Words are powerful. There’s also a feeling, I think, that if you’ve never experienced a slur directed at you, you have no right to use that language, no matter what your intent.

Like the others have said, there really is no “generally accepted term” since there are so many terms and so many people who prefer different things. I have met gay people who don’t mind the term “fag”, I’ve met some who loathe it, I’ve met others who are fine with “queer”, I’ve met others who compare it to “fag”, I’ve met people who refer to homosexual women as “gay”, I’ve heard people use “gay” as a noun, etc. In general, however, most LGBT people consider “fag/faggot” to be offensive, “gay” to refer to homosexual men or homosexuals in general, “lesbian” to refer to homosexual women, and “homosexual” to be a technical term on par with “heterosexual”.

But it gets complicated. I use the word “gay” most often as an adjective describing a homosexual man. I use it to describe myself. However, I also use the word “gay” as the opposite of “straight” to refer to any homosexual. Then, I use the word as a noun as in “gays in the military”, but I would never use it accompanied by the article “a”. “A gay” is a phrase that doesn’t exist in my linguistic usage.

“Queer” encompasses more than just homosexuality. “Gay” and “lesbian” specifically refer to homosexuals, but “queer” refers to anything that isn’t the normal man/woman straight relationship, which can include transgendered people, asexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, etc.

And of course, I view “fag” as offensive and disparaging and I never use it and would never want to be called it. “Fag” is not a term you can just use with anyone; certain friends use it amongst each other once they establish what they’re all comfortable saying, and that’s fine. But if you were to just use that word in reference to any homosexual, it would probably be seen as offensive.

I’m going to just through out I like gay. It’s short, it’s fun to say, it represents the identity (and not just the act). Anyone who wants to talk gay with me feel free to say gay.

Thanks, everyone, for your answers. You’ve all pretty much cemented what I had suspected – that it’s a very personal thing and that context is very important in determining what is and isn’t offensive.
I do have some gay friends and personally couldn’t care either way about someone’s sexual identity, but I realized that this was a topic that had never come up in conversation and I wanted to get some opinions.

Also, @DominicX – thanks for “Queer” encompasses more than just homosexuality…” I hadn’t realized that. I don’t personally know anyone who’s transgendered/asexual/pansexual so I suppose it hadn’t come up. I learned something today.

Wow…THROW out. THROW out. DAMN that was a nasty grammar bunch of BS that I pulled off there. Crap.

We’re here, we’re queer. It’s their slogan, I guess they like it?

I recently ran across the term ‘LGBTQQI.’ I was able to translate it by looking it up online (“Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning, and Intersex”), but I don’t really understand the last term. What does it represent that isn’t already covered in the other terms? Can someone who is able to answer the questions on this thread explain that one?

@Jeruba – Intersex individuals are to sex what trans people are to gender, in the most general sense. Transgendered individuals often don’t feel as if their biology coordinates to their gender identity. Intersexed individuals are biologically not clearly male or female.

They’re very different, though, as transgender conflict is often based on some investment in a gender and sex binary…whereas intersexed individuals demonstrate that there isn’t really a binary (e.g., there are many, many different sexes).

PS – I love me some Anne Fausto-Sterling for a good discussion of intersexed issues and the social construction of biological sex as well as gender. ;-)

@iamthemob Me too, me too!

I like the term queer but that’s just me. To me it represents everything non-normative.

As a bisexual kid I am subjected to a lot of words by my friends. Because we are all young and want to seem cool, we all use intense words to boost our ranks. I am pretty immune to most terms and don’t really care what people call me, as long as they are my friend and I know they do not mean it in a harmful way. If it is a stranger, we will have some problems.

I do not like the word “fag” however, not many people know the origins of “faggot”. I am tolerable if it is said among peers. I do not say it ever, however.