Social Question

christine215's avatar

What would you consider a reasonable length of time for someone to 'get up on their feet' and move on/out?

Asked by christine215 (3158 points ) December 19th, 2010

Say a 25 year old male still lives at home. He works and makes a decent living ($38K/yr w/ benefits) finished school and has never had to pay room & board to the parents.
NOW add in his pregnant girlfriend because her mother sold their house and left her with nowhere to go.
Girlfriend goes to school part time and works part time retail
How long is reasonable to expect them to get a place of their own?

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20 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Not paying any room and board, I would say that it might take them three months at the outside to save up enough for first and last months rent plus security deposit.

janbb's avatar

I would be looking to establish a timeframe for their moving out, ideally before the baby is born and “free babysitting” is added in to the mix!. If they are fairly immature, it would be useful for the parents to start charging rent and board and be putting that money away for their initial moving out expenses.

BarnacleBill's avatar

When he got the $38,000 a year job, he should have moved out. Anything after that day was a gift.

john65pennington's avatar

My son-in-law lost his job in South Carolina. he, my daughter and their two children had no place to live. i offered my home, but with no stipulation on a time period to move out. well, 6 months went by and no job and seven people living under one roof. ten months go by and still no job and no prospect of a job. wife and i began giving hints that they needed to go. this did not work. so, i bought a newspaper and turned to the Want Ads section. with a big red crayon, i circled available job that my son-in-law would qualify for. i also circled house and apartments they could move into. i layed the newpaper adds on their bed and they finaly got the message after twelve months.

The point is this: if you do not have a deadline for them to move out, they will stay with you forever. they have found a good thing and will stary as long as you let them.

Locate a deadline date for them to move. write a note and leave it on their bed.

Remember, if they setup residency and receive mail at your address, you will have obtain a court order to have them removed.

Seelix's avatar

Yeah, there really needs to be a deadline set, otherwise they’ll just keep taking advantage of the situation (and who’d blame them, if they think they’re welcome there?). Daddy-to-be makes a good enough living (even if you take Mommy’s wages out of the equation) to be able to save up for first & last months’ rent in a few months.

Of course, the baby’s due date will be a factor as well… you don’t want to make a 9-months pregnant mommy move when she could go into labour at any time. If this isn’t your personal situation, do you know when the baby is due?

world_hello's avatar

Tell them to get the fuck out. I could understand if they were unemployed but 38K per year is enough to get a apartment. And if you are making that much (without paying rent) and not saving buckets of cash you have problems. First and last shouldn’t be an issue.

gailcalled's avatar

My son moved back in after he graduated from college. We gave him six months with the condition that he actively look for a job during the week. No lounging around in pjs. It was a good plan for us all.

jerv's avatar

That is more than my wife and I combined earn and we have gotten back on our feet in under a week after disaster struck on more than one occasion.

Depending on the housing market in that region, I might be wiling to allow them two weeks to at least sign the papers on a new place and a full month to totally move out, but that would be stretching my generosity a bit. Finding a job is hard, but finding a place is easy, especially with an income like that.

NanoBiscuit's avatar

For me, it would have been pretty quick after my son got the job. But, that isn’t the case here and not every situation is the same either.

However, you have granted him continued arrangements and now it is time to do the hard thing, and that is to have a sit down conversation and tell him what goes where.

He will probably get “mad”, but it’s your house. You raised him, fed him, gave him clothes, care, and love, and now give him the time to find a place, but not over a certain date.

If he doesn’t find or says there isn’t a place he can get, print some out or circle the newspaper listings and give them to him. Review this frequently, but not by smothering him. After the deadline, talk about it constantly, and add some guilt about how old he is, his new upcoming family and wouldn’t he rather bring them along his way, etc., along with other little tidbits he probably doesn’t want to hear. Stand your ground and don’t flinch. He knows he has had it easy and has been taking advantage of you.

And speaking from a personal frame of reference, for the long term and depending on the personality type of some adult children, they may need additional emotional and parental support even after they move. Keep in touch often, see how things are going, befriend his girlfriend, talk about his job, how the pregnancy is going, send/take them some baby things, etc., and try to keep communication with them ongoing. In time they come around if they have left “mad”, and it gives one a proud moment when they finally say, “You were right” about that and many other things. :)

JLeslie's avatar

If he is making $38k a year and living at home, he better have saved up a whole bunch of money! I know some cultures find it very normal for adult children to live at home well into adulthood, I don’t make a judgement about that, but I do judge not using that time to save lots of money for when the “child” does move out. It should not take him a day to be able to move out financially in my opinion, unless you are in a difficult, very expensive city, like NY or San Francisco. If their relationship seems like one that is going to last, I would probably give them 2 months to get out. A month to look for a place and talk over their expectations and expenses, and a month to get it all executed.

Jaxk's avatar

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ’ I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
’ Thank you ’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, ’ I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing a
community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ’ Thank
you ’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing a
community service this week. The Politician was very happy & left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a Dozen
Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Push this guy into politics. It sounds like that’s his calling in life.

JLeslie's avatar

@Jaxk that is a very old joke about a Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi.

Jaxk's avatar

@JLeslie

Yes I know. Actually it has been used in a wide variety of issues. Still a classic.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I am reading these answers with great interest. My adult, employed son still lives here. He does help split wood, and he keeps the computers running so I guess there’s something to be said for it. But still, I would have been embarrassed to live with my parents when I was his age.

jerv's avatar

@Jaxk Classics never die

@worriedguy I’ve been forced into moving in with the ‘rents as old as my early-30s, but I wasn’t earning nearly what this kid makes. In fact, at the time, I wasn’t earning anything. Yeah, it is a little embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as being unemployed and then blamed for being poor and jobless.

JLeslie's avatar

@worriedguy I think employment status is judged more harshly than still living with parents. I mean this in respect to young adults who just don’t move forward in becoming independent financially and emptionally from their parents, and seem to be milking the living at home situation for all its worth. I am not talking about 40 year olds who have worked their entire adulthood, taking care of themselves and family, and hit a hard time. I am also not talking about kids who are productive, who are not taking advantage of their parents, but simply still live at the same residence as their parents. Like I said, in many cultures that is very normal. But, honestly, I kind of don’t get young adults not wanting their own place. Not wanting to have their own thngs, their decorate how they want, feel grown up. I figure most kids from the age of 12 want to be grown ups.

jerv's avatar

@JLeslie That may be normal in many cultures, but in such cultures (and in cases like @worriedguy) such an arrangement is by mutual consent; the parent has no expectation of their kid moving out. When the parent wants the kid out and the kid is there solely because the parents don’t have the heart to legally evict them, it’s a whole different ballgame.

JLeslie's avatar

@jerv I agree.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Six months.

world_hello's avatar

@worriedguy – I live rent free at my moms place. It has a mother-in-law apartment in the backyard. I don’t pay rent and it is far enough away that I can have loud sex. I’m 33. Most days I never go in the house.

But it works for us since we are good friends and she is getting old and has type-2 diabetes. I can help with the yard and dishes and I can also toss the sweets when she buys them.

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