Social Question

afm0ose07's avatar

Confused about my guy friend's feelings for me?

Asked by afm0ose07 (78 points ) January 2nd, 2011

I’ve been friends with my guy friends since summer – about 6 months. We went out for the third time this past week. I’ve always had the feeling we were a little more than friends, but he never made a move more than holding my hand once to help me through a crowd when we went out for the second time, and we’ve hugged on numerous occasions. He also offers to help with school work and drives wherever we go. We are both in college working towards medical school, he’s a year ahead of me and we normally hang out in the library together- he’s always sitting next to me, grabbing a chair for me. He’s a really nice guy, holds doors, and has paid for dinner when we’ve been out. He’s also been there for me when I was in the hospital 4 weeks ago, was really concerned and turned a final term paper in for me.

Here’s where it “went down”. I called and wished him a happy new year (left a voicemail) and didn’t hear anything from him. Worried, I texted him last night and he immediately called me. He was playing a video game with his guy friends, and stepped out to talk to me. We had the friendship talk. It turns out I am his only friend that is a girl that he’s really ever had and who he goes out and does things with, and he is not ready to have a relationship. He asked me “I feel like you are really into me?” I reciprocated the question back to him because it seems like he feels the same way, but since he’s never had a girlfriend that he may not know what to do? He kept calling himself a loser, and a lost puppy, and I told him to stop, that he didn’t need to act that way. We agreed to be friends and that we’re both not ready to be in a relationship, and that we’re going to let whatever happen. But, I honestly feel like he likes me. I feel like when he’s ready to go to the next step, then he will come around.. does any of this make since to all who are reading this? I’m going to see him when classes start back up Tuesday and fall back into routine. Do you think he feels like he hurt my feelings.. he kept asking, “Are you ok?” I said, “We are two mature adults, and I felt like this conversation was coming.” I told him I would never stop being friends with him just because he didn’t want a relationship. He’s almost 23 by the way. I’m not sure how to carry on with him now.. He said he may feel like dating somewhere down the line if we would get to the point. In my view, if he’s never had a friend that’s a girl, he’s never had a girlfriend, then he doesn’t really know what to do with girls.. maybe he’s just not ready?

Thanks, everyone.

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11 Answers

kheredia's avatar

Why do people feel the need to complicate things. He either likes you or he doesn’t. (Sounds like he does though). If you guys hang out a lot and you get along very well then what’s stopping you too from taking the next step? Six months of a solid friendship sounds like enough time to figure out if you like a person or not. If you want more than a friendship then you better watch out cause it would really suck if you stuck around for six more months to finally find out he doesn’t want a relationship with you after all.

ninjacolin's avatar

I think you’re looking at this from a “girly” perspective. (you too, @kheredia)

To me it sounds like he is preemptively rejecting you and you are doubting his sincerity.

If he’s being sincere: Then perhaps you aren’t his type, even though you are the closest thing he’s had to a girlfriend.

You have to take people on their word. If you doubt him, then you should tell him to his face. Otherwise, you could spend the next few months thinking something is going to materialize that he has already promised you will not.

If he’s not being sincere:” The only way to handle this is to tell him the truth: You want more than what you have right now. It doesn’t mean marriage and it doesn’t mean you won’t break up.. but it does mean that you want to take a leap and see what happens.

If your suspicions of ineptness are correct, then you should find a way to let him know that he’s allowed to be inept with you as long as he’s being honest.

marinelife's avatar

I think you are wishful thinking.

He initiated the friendship talk. He is not into you. He is letting you down easy, because you are his friend and he doesn’t want to hurt you.

Frankly, I think when school starts back up, you ought to make yourself scarce. Then he might start missing you.

Winters's avatar

I would agree that he isn’t interested except you mentioned that he keeps calling himself a loser and a lost puppy. That arouses my suspicions that he does indeed have feelings for you but finds himself perhaps unworthy. simply put he’s being tragic. If he keeps up this kind of behavior I would not recommend that you take your relationship with him to the next level. We tragic guys tend to bring a lot of pain and drama into what should be long term relationships.

Coloma's avatar

Yes, I agree with @Winters

If a guy TELLS you he thinks of himself as a loser, well…I’d steer clear of anything more than a casual hangout scene.

Low self esteem WILL cause all sorts of issues in a relationship even if someone really WANTS to get closer.

Read: Jealousy, mixed messages, neediness, on again/ off again, lack of commitment.

Not a good sign.

Red Flag, red flag, red flag!

CaptainHarley's avatar

Self-esteem can be built over time.

Let him set the pace, and if you really like him, tell him so.

sarahjane90's avatar

Be clear with what you want when you tell him, and you should tell him. Just be straight up. Waiting games are a waste of time. If he does like you that way, he will be straight with you too. If he isn’t, I’d back off.

Pandora's avatar

Best thing to do is talk to him about other guys you may be interested in. Since you are buddies, just tell him that you appreciate his input. If he seems excited at the idea of you possibly dating than he isn’t into you.
The whole, “I’m no good for you thing”, is sometimes a way of trying to convince you that he isn’t dating material. So put it to a test. If he doesn’t seem excited at the idea of you dating others than let him know the ball is in his court and you won’t rush him.
Be careful though. If he takes too much time than he simply may not want you as a girlfriend but doesn’t like to share his toys with others, either.
I once dated a guy who tried to break up with me by telling me he was no good for me.
I had friends who had told me he was already dating someone else. So he gave me the whole, I’m not good for you speech. I played along and agreed that we simply weren’t made for each other and it was all good. He later got mad when he found out I had already arranged a date with someone else. He didn’t want me but he didn’t want any other guy dating me either.

jazmina88's avatar

maybe he is gay….maybe it’s not you, just you are female.

It is not yours to question.

just get on….....and chill those feelings.

ninjacolin's avatar

yea, I thought he might be gay too actually. i didn’t say anything though..

answerjill's avatar

I’m sorry that his response was disappointing, but I give you credit for trying to get to the bottom of things. I wish that I had done that earlier in some of my “friendships” with guys in my ‘20’s. Then, I could have found out that I needed to move on and stop wishing for more. I also recommend the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.” If he really does have feelings for you and he feels ready to act on them, he’ll let you know, but in the meantime, you should keep yourself busy with other pursuits.

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