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spinner's avatar

Have you ever had your heart broken as an adult? How did you heal it?

Asked by spinner (178 points ) January 3rd, 2011

It seems I have lost the love of my life and my heart literally feels like it is breaking in two. Have you ever had a broken heart? How did you cope? How long did it take before you started feeling anything close to normal again?

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14 Answers

perspicacious's avatar

Yes, I have had my heart broken. It took 18 years for me to allow a man to come into my life, and that is where I am now.

Mikewlf337's avatar

Yes big time. From a woman that I had feelings for. You live and learn. Learn from the exprerience to make you a stronger person. Every adult gets their heart broken numerous times in their lives to various degrees. Just a sad fact of life. I never really got over it. I was completely destroyed and was left to pick up the peices but I did have help from a few great friends. We need friends like that in our lives and I am very happy that I have friends like these.
They helped me so much through that time and I love them for it.

Cruiser's avatar

Yes….I found getting out of the house and working out helps immensely.

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MissAnthrope's avatar

Yes, a couple of years ago. It’s the worst feeling ever and it happened during an already stressful time, so it hit me extra hard. It blew my mind.. I’d spent over two years just knowing I was going to marry her and have kids together, I couldn’t wrap my head around that not happening. I just kind of spiraled downward and nearly had a breakdown. I even went through stressful stuff trying to get into therapy, but eventually I got hooked up with the most wonderful woman, who was a godsend.

Talking to her helped a lot, she really got me and was very validating. I had school as somewhat of a distraction, and then I started hanging out with a new friend as a distraction. We partied a lot.. I drank every day and smoked weed and went out to the bar every weekend – totally abnormal behavior for me. She was really good to me and helped get my mind off things. I eventually dated her, but that didn’t end up so great.

Anyway, it took me maybe a year to be fully healed, but then I saw her again after a long time and it just re-opened the wound, so I wouldn’t say I’m completely over her.

It just takes time, unfortunately. Everyone’s different.

[HUGS]

wundayatta's avatar

A few years ago I began a series of internet affairs where I fell in love and then was hurt badly when the relationship broke apart. There was a lot going on there—mental illness, self-destructive tendencies, etc—that I have described elsewhere. The key, for me, is what I learned—which was how to deal with heartbreak.

Not surprisingly, a broken heart feels a lot like depression. Serious depression seems like it will never end. It feels like a physical weight, like the proverbial millstone, is pressing down on your chest. It feels like you won’t survive this loss. It feels like there’s really no point in going on. No one loves you, and you are unlovable, anyway.

To heal, you need to learn a few skills. These skills can be taught in therapy, but they can also be taught in meditation or yoga classes. Exercise, as @Cruiser points out, is also very helpful. In addition, there are many books you can read about mindfulness—an effective technique for dealing with feelings like this.

When the love of your life rejects you, it’s a double whammy. Not only do you feel crushed because he or she doesn’t love you; but that rejection makes you question your value and worth and whether you are lovable at all.

This is what you have to cope with. It’s a lot, but also it’s simple. These feelings you have about yourself are basically lies. You are a perfectly fine person whether or not you are with this other person. Your feelings about yourself just aren’t helpful or useful, and so the trick is to learn how to not pay so much attention to these feelings—not to identify with them so much.

That’s where mindfulness comes in. I can’t do it justice here (or anywhere, since I’m not trained in it), but for me, it worked like this. A some point I realized I could not fight my feelings of self-loathing. So I gave into them. Oddly, this took away some of their power. It seems I was giving the feelings more power by fighting them so hard,

With the burden of this fight off my shoulders, I could actually do something useful. I learned how to observe my feelings without feeling like I had to hold onto them. I could let them pass by, and not necessarily feel they were me.

It’s not so easy as it sounds. I had the help of a therapist, a psychiatrist and a support group. It took a long time—a year or two. About the same amount of time as it took me to get over my first love’s rejection. But I was dealing with a good deal more than heartbreak. Still, it can take time. A lot of time. That’s ultimately what heals most of us.

It sucks big time to go through this. It can seem like the pain is endless. It seems like we’ll never get over it (actually, we won’t, but we can learn from it). I wish you the best. Find friends, or better yet, others who are going through this. They understand and that can be enormously helpful.

tedd's avatar

yes… and when I figure out how to cope I’ll let you know.

OpryLeigh's avatar

I was 19 years old and it was the worst time of my life. I’m 24 years and I still haven’t recovered fully, I have serious anxiety (I live in fear that my boyfriend is going to leave me) and trust issues. I would recommend talking to someone about the way you feel so that you don’t bottle it up like I did and end up not being able to trust.

hotgirl67's avatar

Hell no. You only live once. Have fun exploring your options. Break their hearts before they use you and break yours.

Mikewlf337's avatar

@hotgirl67 how do you know they will use you and break your heart? If you do it it first that makes you the bad person not them.

hotgirl67's avatar

Well guys do it to women and they get away with it.I know there are some decent guys but with the players I’ve come into contact with this is what works for me.

Mikewlf337's avatar

@hotgirl67 Guys don’t really get away with it anymore than women do. There are men and women who do get away with it. I know the one woman who broke my heart and left me to pick up the pieces had alot of people stand behind her for whatever reason. They could care less how I felt. Players are POS that play with outhers feelings. hence the term player. They are only out for one thing only and that is sex. they could care less about any real feelings. It would be best to avoid the players. They don’t care about you. They only care about you putting out. If you don’t satisfy them then they cast you aside. If you do put out they are happy until they find someone esle then they cast you aside. You never win with them. They just use you. Players can be male or female. Please don’t be a female player because if you do you will be no better than they are. Be a better person.

Aster's avatar

Yes. Broken hearted, humilated, insulted, devastated, abused and my nervous system has never recovered. How did I get through it? Partying with friends and lots and lots of time.
But, it made me stronger!!! LOL Nothing, but nothing has upset me like that experience.

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