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ShipwrecksInSand's avatar

Why dó fairly attractive women always fall for jerks?

Asked by ShipwrecksInSand (173 points ) January 9th, 2011 from iPhone

I know its a really common question but i want everyones opinion. Why cant the attractive women see less than average and average men for more than their appearences.

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31 Answers

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

This is mostly my personal theory, although nothing like this ever applies to everyone. We are all individuals and that will never change.
I think that biologically many women are looking for two things. Two men, effectively. The sweet, caring, sensitive provider that will help us raise our children. As well as the testosterone charged, super masculine “jerk” (using that loosely.) that will help us make the children. I think that the testosterone itself is huge factor in the overall equation. It is appealing for reproductive purposes, on a very instinctive level, but I think it can contribute to the factors that make us label a man a “jerk.”
I also think that younger women are more prone to this kind of behavior. Maybe that has something to do with raging hormones or a biological, though probably not conscious or deliberate, desire to procreate. Which might influence younger women to find a more testosterone charged mate. I think that as many of us age, that sort of fades into the background, and most of us mature to appreciate the guys on the other side of that fence. Personally, I want to attribute that to a shift in hormones, but it is only a guess. Maybe it really is an issue of maturity and not hormonal in any way.
Now, I hope that anyone reading this knows me relatively well enough to know not to read too much into my generalizations – because they are generalizations. This is something that I’ve given a lot of thought to, and the concept makes sense to me. I do believe there have been studies done that show similar results, so it isn’t entirely out of thin air.

I’ve also read that over time, as we grow into maturity, we all develop a sense of what mates match what we have to offer the world, so to speak, from a reproductive aspect. We gauge our own reproductive “worth”, to some degree, by how appealing the mates that we attract are. Over time, this develops a sense of where we fall on the scale of attraction – and who will most likely reciprocate. Of course, on a biological level, we will always be seeking the most appealing mate. The strongest, healthiest, most physically attractive, etc. It’s simply an instinct to preserve the species. (^This whole bit is actually true, not one of my own theories.)
I’m pretty sure that biology plays a huge part in this.

kess's avatar

Because fairly attractive women gets a lot of attention from that kind…
And because they are caught up with all this attention they now cannot think straight…

Meaning that it is very tempting to the woman to know she can have a guy at any moment….so eventually they fall for it.

After all they are women and built that way..

marinelife's avatar

First, I don’t accept your premise. There is no “always” here.

As to why fairly attractive women sometimes fall for jerks, you could turn that question around. Why do guys “always” fall for bimbos?

Why can’t guys see average and less than average women for more than their appearance?

The_Invisible_Man's avatar

Girls just go for guys that look good. Appearance is almost everything to a female. Especially the younger ones. One of the brother’s friends to him that she was going to have sex with a guy. And a random guy at that. A guy she knows nothing about. She says that she’s only going to have with him JUST for his looks, and she is only fifteen.

I just find it interesting how anyone is willing to give up their virginity to a random person they don’t even know. And girls mainly goes for the “jerks” because its fun for them to be treated like crap. It more entertaining for them to be treated wrong, rather than them to have someone who treats them right all the time. Anyone who’s the caring type of guy/girl rarely has any chance to get the person they like.

Its just something that can’t be helped. There are a wide range of nice people getting the ones they like, but when it comes to a nice guy liking a very attractive lady, that lady has options because of her looks. And because of that she attracts a lot of “hot” guys. Thus always having option to fall back on whoever she wants to.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@The_Invisible_Man if that wasn’t sarcasm, that was the biggest misconception I’ve ever heard. “Appearance is almost everything to a female.” Seriously??? I can’t even pretend not to be shocked to read that.
‘It’s quite remarkable how little women are influenced by physical looks.’ <-Just the first article I happened to pull up.

janbb's avatar

No I don’t.

Seelix's avatar

Believe it or not, attractive women often suffer from the same kind of insecurity that less attractive women do. Jerks have a way with insecure women that seems to draw them to them… I don’t get it, myself, but an insecure woman is probably a lot more likely to be with (and stay with) a jerk because she might feel like she can’t do better.

Also, a lot of people (men and women, attractive or not) are pretty shallow. Someone who spends a lot of time and effort on their own appearance might put more importance on the appearance of a potential mate.

@The_Invisible_Man – I have to agree with Miss Neffie – I don’t think your answer makes much sense. Say what you will about 15-year-old girls; 15-year-old girls are not women. The vast majority of 15-year-olds, regardless of gender, haven’t yet figured out what’s important in a relationship, and shouldn’t be used as a basis for assumptions made about the thinking of adults.

spidermonkey019's avatar

because jerks like me are loyal.

Coloma's avatar

Water seeks it’s own level regardless of the pond or gutter it dwells in. lol

Physical attraction is just the surface, the real ripples are underneath.

Everyone is attracted to those that are basically on the same level as they are subconsciously.

This is why so many relationships end up being matches made in hell.

The ultra needy female pairs up with the unfeeling jerk, let the dance macabre begin.

Brian1946's avatar

I’ll ask my wife.
I’m sure that she has first person and current knowledge about this. ;-)

tranquilsea's avatar

When I was dating I dated many jerks and a few gems. I usually broke up with the gems after a good period of time and the jerks broke up with me after a short period of time. After my mom pulled me to one side and asked me why I kept breaking up with the decent guys I did a lot of thinking. The next guy I ended up dating was a good guy and I married him.

My theory on what was going on was that I wasn’t really ready to settle down with one person throughout much of that time. All of the gems I dated would have been husband material. I wasn’t ready for that level of commitment.

klutzaroo's avatar

Because the jerks (regardless of their attractiveness) have the self confidence to get out there and go after those women while the nice guys might have to be chased and made to overcome shyness and nerves to talk to a pretty girl. I don’t count myself beautiful, but my boyfriend thinks I am. And if I hadn’t chased after my fabulous nice guy, I wouldn’t have him because he would never have gotten up the nerve to talk to me. I’ve never dated based solely on appearances. I am interested in people that I find attractive, looks that might not be what everyone likes but what I like, intelligence, and other factors that turn me on. Its all about having enough confidence in yourself to overcome your nerves and talk to people you find attractive.

Btw, many of those attractive women who look so great are incompatible with you in some way or another. Simply because they aren’t what you want in a woman and you’re not what they’re looking for in a man. Nothing about you or them, but just a mismatch in needs, wants, and basic incompatibility because not everyone is compatible with everyone else. Then there are the shallow ones, but you wouldn’t want to bother with them either. Find someone you can talk to. And talk!

On a side note, I agree with @marinelife. Why is it just the unattractive guys that should be given a chance?

hotgirl67's avatar

Some attractive women are just really stupid.

Coloma's avatar

I agree with biology, hormones and the desire of a lot of women for the perfect Cocker Spaniel/Pit Bull combo. lol

But…a lot of attraction, as I mentioned above, is due to unresolved wounds from peoples past, causing them to pick a ‘perfect’ match on the cellular level and playing out the same dramas over & over again.

I have an ex friend who, at 54, is still desperately needy for someone to ‘rescue’ her from her unhealed wounds, and is worse than ever in her frantic pursuit to find, yet another man to make up for her daddy wounds. Obviously, she is far beyond pure biology and hormones as a post men-o-pausel female. Sad and unhealthy.

My joke these days is that by the time many of us know what a healthy relationship looks like, and, we are healthy enough ourselves to sustain one, we don’t care anymore! hahaha

Like the infamous ‘they’ say….it’s not about FINDING the right person, it’s about BEING the right person…...most never do the work to make this a reality and can spend a lifetime seeking outside themselves what only they are capable of giving to themselves.

Male or female, run like hell from needy people with low self esteem!

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Some women fall for jerks. Some women are attractive. They don’t have anything to do with each other.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Response moderated (Writing Standards)
The_Invisible_Man's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie & @Seelix Yeah. I know my answer makes no sense. I have no experience when it comes to these sort of discussions. I certainly have no way to back myself because I for a fact that what I said was way of and is completely wrong in every way. Especially about females. Don’t mind what I say. I’m just ignorant to the world. When it comes to females, I know nothing about them, much less anyone else of this world.

Winters's avatar

All the good girls fall for the bad boys, and the good boys fall for the bad girls until they mature.

Arbornaut's avatar

How can i find out if Im a jerk? Is there a survey for this?
My reckoning would be that girls might go for jerks based on biological instincts first, and If they feel like their being fucked over they will go for different blokes later on. But these girls might also be jerks as well, and be happy to live life as a jerk with a jerk having jerk babies and raising good strong healthy jerks. Each to their own i guess.
Iv known some nice jerks. Their not all jerks.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Because it takes one to know one.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

In my experience, that is total bullshit. Without mentioning my relationship (I am terribly one-eyed in that respect), I am friends with a lot of good looking girls who are dating great guys. I am also friends with a lot of great guys who are dating attractive girls. The assumption that attractive girls prefer jerks is just an excuse of under-confident, socially awkward guys who expect the right girl to fall in their lap. The world doesn’t work like that.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh I feel like now is a good time to provide a link regarding Nice Guys

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@papayalily That is just brilliant!!

tranquilsea's avatar

@papayalily That is a great blog post! It should be required reading.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@tranquilsea I agree. In high school, everyone must read Beowulf, Wuthering Heights, and this.

JustJessica's avatar

Just so you know even dog ugly, and beauty queens fall for jerks. Maybe because of the plethora of jerks their are in the world. The real question is why aren’t their more non-jerk men to choose from?

blueiiznh's avatar

@ShipwrecksInSand What is the definition of “Jerk”. I also don’t think it is an “always”
I think the media sensationalizes or simply tell the dirty laundry of these “pretty people”.
I mean, it starts out ok and your date or have a SO that you find out is a “jerk”. Not to spawn a new question, but what makes up a jerk? Is it their behavior? The way they break up with you? Are all ex’s a jerk because it fell apart? I do agree with @TheOnlyNeffie in that biological and maturity make sense. I also had many a conversations with women who state that their male SO was really a jerk and idiot for the way they acted and treated them. Some were right on and on others I can only take with a grain of salt because there are two sides to every story.
In my opinion and experince, its not just attractive women that fall for “jerks”. It is any relationship that drifts apart and they start to act in non respectuful ways and drag it out far too long and get far too hurtful in their action and words that make people “jerks”.

lapilofu's avatar

I’ve known some attractive women in my time and I don’t think I’m a jerk. :(

choreplay's avatar

The first time I wrote you a repsonse I didn’t know you were in High School. I asked the moderators to take it down and I re wrote it to be a little more age appropriate.

@klutzaroo has come the closest!!!! Let me take a stab at the women’s perspective. Let just suppose you enjoy chocolate, right. Now if I spent the next two hours with you and offered you chocolate again and again in two minute intervals, how would your reactions evolve? They might go from enjoying it to being irritated to being really irritated to wanting me to go away, and when that doesn’t work your going to begin to mess with me or mock me out of irritation. Like the blog on nice guy, very mocking.
I probably can’t begin to imagine the level of attention women get from men, from all directions and from all sorts of men. Given this mindset the weaker and more pathetic the approach the more repulsive they find it. So as men we are faced with overcoming this barrier. Well, most of the “nice” guys fold FAST, while the jerks persist just because of who they are, and in being jerks they are, are the only ones that don’t give the everyday boring kiss up approaches to this gender that 99% of the rest of men do, so they’re the ones that have the in, at least more than the nice guys. Also they don’t do any of the pathetic tactics mentioned in the above referenced blog, they simply move on to a girl where there is mutual interest.
Let me add: wouldn’t it be beneficial to women if the nice guys had this information so the women could have the best of both worlds. If the nice guys learn how to approach women, learn body language and move on where there is no interest returned, women can experience men that are confident, strong and nice. There’s a concept.
Dude if you don’t do anything else study body language. Women have five times more complex body language than men. If you do this you won’t be guessing about what girls to approach.
A couple freebies:

1-If you see a girl in a crowd and you want to approach her make eye contact and smile and smile first, if she smiles back she may be willing to be approached.

2-If your want to kiss a girl for the first time and not sure if she’s there, touch her hair in some affectionate way. If she responds in a very positive way, she might be willing to let you kiss her.

See what I mean, these understandings are worth their weight in gold, Study Body Langauge!

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

@The_Invisible_Man I just find it interesting how anyone is willing to give up their virginity to a random person they don’t even know. Virginity these days, especially in the Western world is a useless commodity. It mainly represents a badge of unpopular, unattractive geekdom, because of you were cool and attractive people would not find it repugnant to get naked with you.

@ShipwrecksInSand Basically when two people of the opposite sex meet it is all ”pie”. If you were at a gathering and their was free pie as a snack on the table most people would get the pie with the golden crust, that looked light and flakey and plump. They are not going to pick the pie that seems sunken in the middle, over cooked, and rather hard. No one is going to be thinking, ”but that is just the crust, I bet the filling is real sweet and tasty”. It is all about how it looks. If after you pick it and you find it not to be tasty, or the filling half full, you might convince yourself otherwise less you have to admit you picked wrong, or you will keep quite less everyone else know you chose wrong. When some women you see are stuck with jerks are because they had the best crust but the filling is half-full and not sweet. I guess if you are hungry, you don’t put down the nasty pie and have no pie at all, so you eat it anyhow.

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