What kinds of things help you verify if a man is abusive?

If he cuts you off from friends and family.

If he is very controlling about where you go, who you are with, what you say, how you dress.

If he constantly belittles you or criticizes you.

I feel like if he’s doing something often enough that you wonder whether he’s abusive…he’s abusive.

If he yells at you

If he calls you mean names

If he embarrasses you (especially in public)

If he tells you that you’re stupid, worthless or un-loveable or ugly

If he says that you can’t make a decent or smart decision

If he says your family and friends are terrible

If he says he doesn’t trust you

If he constantly tells you that you are a lousy cook, a terrible housekeeper and a bad parent

If he uses sentences like, “You’re no better than a whore, or a dog, or an animal.”

He constantly tells you that you are too fat or a slob or that you don’t dress decently.

If he tries to isolate you from your friends and family, either by not letting you visit them or by not letting them come to your home or by attempting to limit your contact on the phone or internet or by letter.

If he constantly has to “keep tabs” on you by monitoring everything you do (including at your work).

If he constantly curses at you and makes ridiculous (or impossible demands).

I think you will know if someone is abusive, if you need help getting away from someone like this, let us know and we’ll try to help.

When he doesn’t stop when you say “no”.

Well thanks everyone. I think I made the right decision then.

I hope you left or will be leaving this person. Do you need help?

@Kardamom I’ve been dating this guy for almost 2 years. I thought we was everything until his true colors started showing. Within a few months of seeing each other we’d start fighting over the most insignificant things. I’m not a yeller. Never was, never will be. This man would go from 1–10 in like 2 seconds. His eyes would pop out of his head, his eyebrows would narrow down, his forehead would scrunch up.. and basically just go ballistic on me. Sometimes I’d cry and he’d just keep going. No, I’d almost all the time cry and he’d keep going. A few times, these fights would happen while I was driving, and he’d order me to pull over and he’d get out and walk home leaving me alone. And I’d have to call my dad or someone to help me find my way back. That happened a lot. I felt abandoned.

That was in the beginning though, and when I had a chance, I let him know this behavior was not ok. So he actually did get better over time. So like 6 months went by and he was my favorite person to be with. And we hadn’t had a fight like that since last weekend.

And this one happened when I was trying to open up to him about being a little stressed and overwhelmed with school. I started crying in the middle of it and stopped opening up which pissed him off for some reason. “HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT?! YOU’RE A BRAT! NO ONE TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT.. !” and a lot more yelling that I must have tuned out because I had this scared confused look on my face. He was at my house when this happened. I told him, please leave. He forced me to hug him, I declined, he got more angry. He took a deep breath and asked to hang out the following night. I said no, it’s over.

And in my mind that’s wrong. You don’t emotionally beat the shit out of your partner. That’s not okay. When I told him to leave, he laughed at me. But he left. Now, a few days later he’s texting me half heartedly apologizing but saying that there were other “factors” that lead him to react like that. Um no, anger is a choice.

@lovespurple—You need to stay away from him for good.
He is most certainly abusive.

If he shows a complete lack of respect on even the simplest of things.
If he does not respect your space or privacy.
There are so many ways to determine this.
@lovespurple Is this a hypothetical question or is there substance and examples to validate?

If he keeps coming around now that you have broken up with him, get a restraining order and watch yourself.

@blueiiznh I asked the question to help me verify if I made the right decision based on examples pertaining to my own life. I just didn’t want to post the story in the question.

@lovespurple WOW. Sounds exactly like an ex boyfriend of mine. His name isn’t Larry, is it? :P

I ask myself if the relationship is based on equality or power and control

He is abusive, inconsiderate and manipulative. With his anger issues, it almost sounds as if it could escalate into physical abuse. Rage like that is scary. Who wants to be with someone when you’re going to have them blow up at any time? You sound like you are young? How old are you and how old is he? Stay away from him, don’t answer his calls and texts and tell your dad and maybe he can “back you up” in case the guy comes around or bothers you.

Sounds like my ex, too, that I wasted way too much time on. Is his name Psycho Bob?

@jca I am 22 years old. And he just turned 30.

Hey loves400nm – His actions can also be drug induced. Meth, Crack, coke.
Drug induced or not you are much better off without him. It will never get better.

@worriedguy I think its due to his childhood. He had a verbally abusive father. Mother left him at 13 years old. Brother beat him up physically on a daily basis. My friends and family are so happy I ended it. My friends already seemed to know he was abusive and claim I was “blinded by love that wasn’t real love”. My family are just relieved he’s gone and think I deserve to be treated like a queen. My mother especially says I should just do a background check if I need more reassurance. But I think I’m okay.

Come to think of it, when I first met him he didn’t have a car. He’d been without a car for about 3 years since he claimed was due to a D.U.I.. my mom is so adamant that this is a lie. His father is a very respected judge and lawyer here, and my mom thinks something more serious happened like he assaulted someone and his high powered father found a way to get around it. I honestly don’t know. I am interested in doing a background check but I don’t know how or where you do them. If he did lie to me then well.. that’s definitely reassurance.

I think if you had to ask yourself the question…that would be enough verification for me.

@PluckyDog Well I just wanted some outside opinions.

@lovespurple ..I know. I was just giving my brief diagnonsense :)

another brilliant answer from @Kardamom :-)

I heart @nebule :-)

@lovespurple I am so glad that you are one of the strong, smart women! A lot of young women of your age would stick around trying to “fix” this guy or would try to rationalize his behavior. Hurray for you for realizing early that you needed to get out of this situation. It’s likely that he will continue to try to contact you. Don’t give in to that. If you have to change your phone number or e-mail address do so. You might want to let your friends and employer know that this guy needs to be prevented from coming to your home or your work and if anyone sees him trying to find you, they need to let you know right away so that you can take action if you need to. Hopefully you won’t need a restraining order, but keep that option open if you need it.

Don’t go anywhere alone for awhile. If he is following you, it’s better to be with at least one other person. Good luck, stay strong and check back if you need some moral support.

Good riddance, now you can breathe again. Good luck and move on!

@Kardamom Thank you. Very.