General Question

MissAnthrope's avatar

English lovers and those who enjoy editing, would you mind helping me with this?

Asked by MissAnthrope (21401 points ) February 16th, 2011

So, I work at a restaurant with two German bosses. They want to print out a kind of mission statement and an explanation of their vision, but the problem is that English isn’t their first language. I’ve been asked to help, but I’ve read this thing too many times now and I could really use some fresh eyes. I’d like to post their text, let you have at it, and see what you come up with.

They want proper grammar and punctuation, of course, and I personally find it charming that you can tell the writer is not a native English speaker, so I’m aiming for a balance.

One line in particular had me a bit stumped, ‘were our very inspiration’—they said they want to highlight/emphasize ‘inspiration’, like you would say ‘very beginning’. I just couldn’t think of a word. :\

Thank you!

.

We are dedicated to serve you with carefully handled dishes and crafted products made from fresh ingredients. Up to 85% of our ingredients are either organic, pesticide free, sustainably sourced, cruelty free, local or directly traded. Grass fed beef or sustainable fish are a must in our kitchen.

The traditional way of preparing and presenting food as well as the slow food movement were the very inspiration for us to work with traditional recipes and to cautiously handle ingredients.

We handcraft every baked good individually and the whole wheat for our bread is being milled in-house, and the oats are flaked shortly before making the porridge and Bircher Müsli. We make our own yogurt allowing hours to get its smooth taste and texture. All spreads and sauces are made from scratch.

You won’t find a fryer, grill, or griddle in the kitchen.

Our recipes are tailored to a balanced usage of salt, sugar and fat, We work only with extra virgin olive oil, canola oil, and butter.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

12 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

We dedicate ourselves to serving you with carefully crafted fare made from the freshest ingredients. The vast majority of our ingredients are either organic, pesticide free, sustainably sourced, cruelty free, local or directly traded. Grass fed beef or sustainable fish are a must in our kitchen.
Tradition in preparation and presentation as well as the slow food movement inspired us to work with old-style recipes and to cautiously handle ingredients.
We handcraft every baked good individually, and we mill the whole wheat for our bread ourselves. Our oats are flaked shortly before making porridge and Bircher Müsli. Our homemade yogurt takes hours to get its smooth taste and texture. All spreads and sauces are made from scratch.
You won’t find a fryer, grill, or griddle in the kitchen.
Our recipes balance salt, sugar and fat, and we work only with extra virgin olive oil, canola oil, and butter.

Nullo's avatar

We are dedicated to serving you only well-crafted dishes made from fresh ingredients. Up to 85% of our ingredients are either organic, pesticide free, sustainably-sourced, cruelty free, grown locally or directly traded. Grass-fed beef and sustainable fish are musts in our kitchen.
I feel that saying that you’re careful suggests that you really aren’t, so I took it out.

The traditional way of preparing and presenting food, and the slow-food movement, were the very things that inspired us to work with traditional recipes and to cautiously [consider substituting with “prudently,” “judicioiusly”] handle ingredients.
It’s passive voice, which is generally frowned upon. But it has its stylistic uses, and this thing is all about style, so I’m going to leave it.

You won’t find a fryer, grill, or griddle in the kitchen.

We hand-craft our baked goods individually, the whole wheat for our bread is milled in-house, and the oats are flaked shortly before making the porridge and Bircher Müsli. We make our own yogurt, giving it time to develop its smooth taste and texture. All spreads and sauces are made from scratch.

Our recipes are tailored to a balanced usage of salt, sugar and fat, We work only with extra virgin olive oil, canola oil, and butter.
________________________

It needs a conclusion. A valediction. Something.

the100thmonkey's avatar

I’d be inclined to say ”...that inspire us to work with traditional recipes and to treat our ingredients with the respect they deserve” or something like that.

Jeruba's avatar

Where’s the passive, @Nullo? Surely not “were,” which is nothing but past tense.

This sentence bothers me:
Up to 85% of our ingredients are either organic, pesticide free, sustainably-sourced, cruelty free, grown locally or directly traded.
The list with “or” says that each thing meets one of those criteria. So something might be locally grown but not cruelty-free. I don’t think this is as intended.

Also I don’t believe the “very” has been dealt with. Ask them what German word they’re thinking of. Is it zwar?

It’s too late and I’m too dopey now to do a real edit, buit I’ll look again tomorrow.

Nullo's avatar

@Jeruba Mayhaps I mis-identified, but the second paragraph has things happening to the actors. I do know that my writing profs gave me a hard time about that sort of thing – they liked it better when I put the subject before the direct object(s).

I had intended the ‘or’ to contrast the locally-grown with the directly traded, and for the rest to be conjoined with the subtle ‘and’ that you can put into a comma; additional punctuation may be necessary.

I think that the ‘very’ is the same one as in, “The very thing!”

the100thmonkey's avatar

It’s a causative construction rather than a passive construction.

I’ve always been confused by such ideas as the passive voice being “frowned upon”, but then again, I have rather strong views on prescriptive attitudes to language.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I like @Nullo‘s version, with the following change We are dedicated to serving you only well-crafted dishes made from the freshest ingredients.

Nullo's avatar

@the100thmonkey Ya learn something new every day!
@BarnacleBill I considered that, and thought that ‘freshest’ was a little too cliché – after all, that’s what everybody says. This way, it serves merely to distinguish fresh from frozen or otherwise preserved.

6rant6's avatar

“creamery butter”

“allowing hours” -> “so that we can guarantee its”

And for your actual question. “We jealously guard our old continental recipes and infuse them with the best that the slow food movement has to offer.”

MissAnthrope's avatar

Thank you all for your input so far! It’s very helpful. :)

Nullo's avatar

@MissAnthrope We’ll be expecting our cut of your bonus, naturally. :P

MissAnthrope's avatar

Well, let’s see.. 50% of zero, naturally.. comes out to.. ;)

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther