Tips on having a healthy/happy long-term relationship?

Unconditional Love. I have found that what my wife is what I have created her to be for me. Each day I recreate her for me and make her more and more amazing. What she is for me is how I view her and I create that for myself. So she is the most valuble person in existance for me and I honor her and cherish her.

Keep the passion and the spark going by having a date night. Be sure and do fun things together so that your only interaction is not just the day to day worries and bills of existence.

Respect and consideration and a lot of patience. I have trouble with the latter.

Communicate clearly and regularly. Also, eat good food together.

Your spouse/significant other and you should be best friends. Waking up and being able to look forward to spending your time with your best friend is an awesome feeling. Also, always consider your other half’s needs above your own and choose someone who will do the same for you.

I agree with what everyone has said above but I think the one thing that has helped my partner and I through difficult times is laughter. We laugh all the time and constantly amuse one another. Sometimes, when you are laughing with (or, in our case at someone) you realise how much they mean to you.

Fight a lot until you figure out how to do it RIGHT. Talk about the fight and why it went wrong until that point. Once you know how to fight – choose your battles, and do it only when necessary.

Love and respect your mate for the good AND bad times. Be supportive, a good listener, and work together as a team to accomplish your goals in life.

A relationship is a commitement that is like a second job. You have to work at it, in order for it to work for you.

To keep your relationship alive, always have something planned, something to look forward to, for the both of you.

This has worked for my wife and I for many years together.

I like the mantra of ’ relationships are not there to make you happy, they are there to help you grow.’

Trust, respect, consideration, a deep understanding of the other persons personality ( read up on the Enneagram or 4 tempraments to find your relationships unique combo. )

Also, let go of the idea of ‘forever.’ Very damaging and the source of all pain in ‘traditional’ relationship.

Relationship is an ongoing, renewable ‘contract’ that needs to be examined and revised periodically.

Have FUN together, as mentioned and do not allow neglect to creep in during stressful times.

Neglect is the number one killer of all relationships.

Tend the garden of love tenderly and keep the weeds at bay. :-)

If you have to ask, you aren’t ready! Besides, it probably depends on the couple and their its members’ mutual expectations. So ask why and also consider the possibility long-term relationships aren’t for everybody, and probably aren’t for anybody at every point on his/her life.

@incendiary_dan i agree with your point. me and my girlfried got into a huge fight over the weekend because she would not tell me why she was mad at me. and scince then every thing has gone down hill

Realize that love is a decision. If you rely on your feelings you are bound to “fall out of love.” Love is a commitment to act loving even when you don’t feel loving.
Also, treat your mate with at least as much kindness as you would treat someone you just met.

@Jay484‘s comment reminds me of another thing I learned when studying psych in college: arguing is generally better than ignoring one another. That latter tends to just breed resentment.

@Judi I agree %100.

@incendiary_dan again i agree with you that arguing is better then ignoring each other, the thing is that she never tells me if i did something wrong so i never know if shes mad at me and this weekend was a great example of this

You have to care about your partner’s individual path as if life isn’t about the two of you only but also just about them. You have to allow for freedom and not stand in their way. You must respect and nurture their hopes and dreams as much you nurture yours and you must speak truth: if they are beautiful, you speak it as soon as you think it, if they’ve done something wonderful, you thank them, etc. Oh, and of course, maintain the sex. Obviously.

Open honest communication. Respect of each other.
We don’t want to appear strange, odd, or unusual. We hesitate to disclose what we desire for fear.
Agree on appropriate time to talk. Sharing deep feelings and emotions while one is preoccupied doesn’t always work. Find a quiet, enjoyable time where a discussion can be uninterupted and respected.
If you are uncomfortable with disclosure, go slowly. There is no need to bring everything out at one time.
Its hard but ok to be vulnerable and to disclose feelings of uneasiness. Relay your feelings of fear or uncomfortableness can bring understanding and compassion.
R E S P E C T. Listen with your heart, work toward understanding.
Intimacy shouldn’t be serious or routine. Spice it up with some fun and frivolity. When play and joyfulness are part of intimacy, this comfort will increase willingness to listen and share.
The more you share the more profound the relationship.

Try not to ever take your partner for granted. When with them, give them your full attention. Have fun together. Even when you have no time for fun. Staying interested and in love and excited by a person is a choice. Always try to be empathetic, not upset. If both of you do these things, you relationship should be happy and last. I onlyone of you is doing them, you have a problem.

Just know that at one time or another each of you will not be focused on the other or the relationship. Life happens. It’s at those times that the love you feel for the other will need to be strong and true. Sometimes you have to let the other person be selfish.

Married almost 10 years

You have to be able to communicate with each other and trust each other. If you keep a private self hidden away, the relationship will likely not last.

@Summum Sounds like you aren’t thinking of your wife as a person in her own right. Your wife isn’t someone you created: she’s her own person! And unconditional love – do you really believe in that?

@nicobanks We all create who others are for us. In other words your view of anyone is how and who they are for you. All people do this for everyone around them and you treat others how you view them. If you say that someone is pretty it is how they are for you others may create them as not so attractive and that is who they are for them.

@nicobanks I think it’s not so much as we create others, as it is that we create our idea of others.

@Summum I think you’re not talking about a relationship, per se, but rather some kind of voyeurism. I mean, you present the spouse in your answers as an object, or the subject of your perception, when in reality the spouse is (and must be, for the relationship to work) an autonomous agent, just as you are.

I mean, you’re not taking into account the fact that, while we may “create” others for ourselves, we also “create” ourselves for ourselves. And, say, if the me you’ve created for yourself is very different from the me I’ve created for myself, then we have the potential for some serious trouble – some serious disconnect between us.

A relationship is not just about perceiving the Other: much more than that, a relationship is about communion between two people – an intermingling of outward and inward perceptions. You don’t have the liberty to “create” your spouse for yourself, as though she or he were a person you have seen from afar but will never meet: you have to take into account how your spouse has and continues to create him or herself. In fact, I would say the key (or a key) to a successful long-term relationship is exactly that: acknowledging that you have to beat down your own “creations” and accept your spouse’s self-creations. You have to accept your spouse on her or his terms. Otherwise, he or she will not accept you into an intimate relationship. (And why should he or she? When he or she is nothing to you but one of your creations?)

@wundayatta Yes but, again, I think that’s not something which helps to cement a relationship, but, rather, the opposite.

@nicobanks We all do this and yes we create ourselves for ourselves. There is nothing I said that is different from what you are saying. The spouse creates you for them also. When I say creating it is your view from all your experiences of that person. My wife has no control over how I create her as I have no control over how she creates me. I can love and create her for me without any action on her part. You think by saying that I have created her for me that we have no communication? Why? Of course communication is very important in any relationship. All of the things you are talking about are all taken into consideration as you create another for who they will be for you. I don’t understand why you think we are talking different than each other. Of course my creation of anyone is different than your creation of anyone else. We are powerful beings and have the ability to create our own life and world and we all do it everyday. Absolutely anyone is for us our preception of them how could it be otherwise? Of course we are seperate and autonomous agents.

@nicobanks If you don’t create a perception of a person or, indeed, anything, then how can it exist? This is probably an interesting discussion, but it likely doesn’t belong here.

Talk to each other! Never assume how the other one feels about something and don’t take each other for granted. It’s easy to fall into that without even knowing you are there…I did with my husband. I’m trying not to do that, anymore!

Understand that you are both human and will make mistakes in life.

In marriage, two do not become one. Do not fall into that trap. For us, we made the commitment to each other, there is no room for any sign of what if in our lives. Married for 35 years with very few fights, but many differences of opinion. We are partners, not conjoined twins.

@wundayatta Ha! If you think the discussion doesn’t belong here, why say anything other than that? So, you get your word in, but can safely frown at anyone who responds for breaching board etiquette. Well, as to your comment, I’m not denying the subjective nature of reality. And I am debating the question posed here, so far as I’m concerned: it’s all about how to have a successful, long-term relationship. What I’m talking about is the difference between (in a simplified example) looking at a person, and conversing with that person. Summum’s expression of a successful long-term relationship – and this is a response to you, too, @Summum – sounds one-sided to me. And how he describes the Other reminds me of many a friend I have broken-off with because of a vast breach between their perception of who I am, and my own perception of who I am. My experience is, if you don’t accept what someone else thinks of themselves – accept them on their terms – and reject your own conceptions of who they are when the two differ greatly, they will neither satisfy nor like you.

@Summum And, again, unconditional love? That sounds like the sort of fantasy that people get into trouble for believing. You’ll never get to the other side of a chasm if you believe you can fly.

@Summum In your statement of:
“I have found that what my wife is what I have created her to be for me. Each day I recreate her for me and make her more and more amazing. What she is for me is how I view her and I create that for myself. So she is the most valuble person in existance for me and I honor her and cherish her.”
You are able to do that through communication and all the other good points that people have pointed out here. If this is what you use to help continue through time in your relationship as people change, then it is wonderful for you.
This is like Tolstoy’s “The Three Questions:
What is the best time to do each thing?
Who are the most important people to work with?
What is the most important thing to do at all times?
The most important time is now. The present is the only time over which we have power.
The most important person is whoever you are with.
The most important thing is to do good to the person you are with.

@blueiiznh “You are able to do that through communication and all the other good points that people have pointed out…” I just don’t see that, how the creation of the world around oneself happens through communication (etc.). Seems to me the former can happen without the latter, and actually often does. And I don’t see the connection between what @Summum said and Tolstoy’s questions, either. [Edited]

@nicobanks Ok. I’ll talk until our comments get moderated. I was just trying to help the OP get what she probably wanted. I doubt it was this discussion.

I don’t even know what your thesis is any more. Are you for or against communication? Are you for or against understanding your own biases (image creation) as an aid to communication? Are you saying that the necessary condition for effective communication (i.e., communication that both parties feel is productive) is that you surrender your view of the world to the other? Or are you saying the opposite? That you must keep your own view?

I hope you can clear this up.

[mod says]

A) Please keep your answers on topic.
B) This is our Question of the Day!

Just be honest and nice to each other.

“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”
Ruth Bell Graham

Of all the happily married couples I know, this works the best for them (along with the above):

Put his or her interests ahead of your own.

By unselfishly giving, each receives what they need, and from just the person they need it from. If this is practiced as often as possible, this guarantees happiness and satisfaction in the marriage. It has to be an equal effort to work effectively, however. ;)

I’ve found the best way to have a happy/healthy relationship is to work on yourself. Get rid of all the emotional baggage you have whether it is from your family, parents, friends, authority figures, past relationships etc. And to make sure that your partner does the same.

When things go wrong require solutions over blame & require that same self-reflection and repair of yourself & your partner with regard to the problem that comes up.

Work on removing all things that stem from ego & replacing them with things that stem from unconditional love.

Be open and honest at all times both with yourself and your partner.

Don’t use accusatory statements whether in arguments or otherwise & when your partner uses accusatory statements toward you make sure that even though it may have hurt you or pissed you off that you take some time alone to consider the validity of that statement & then be sure to be respectful and honest in your response.

Have sex more often & don’t have a bunch of anal retentive requirements for when sex is appropriate. What matters isn’t candles, music etc. it’s love (& occasionally just a little fun) – hygiene is more important than flowers, candles and music any day. Sex is a part of a happy, healthy relationship & excuses not to have it are nothing more than excuses…. If you stop making them you’ll likely find that your partner will meet all your requirements without having to be asked anyway.

Support your partner in their dreams – that doesn’t mean pay for their dreams it means support them. Don’t criticize their attempts to achieve those dreams. Instead, come up with ways to help them even if you don’t think they can do it. Be at whatever events there are that they are participating in toward their dream – performances, graduations whatever. Just remember – it’s not much of a dream if they’re not willing to independently work toward it on their own so don’t nag them.

Discuss cheating and what each of you defines as cheating & then whatever your partner defines as cheating don’t do it. A lot of people have varying definitions of what cheating is – don’t assume that yours is the same as your partner. Sneaky people will use this fact to be irresponsible and take advantage of you, but other times you both innocently think differently than one another. Clarify what cheating is – kissing, holding hands, poly-amorous, emotional cheating, staring at someone’s ass in the mall, internet chats, flirting, sending pics online – who knows till you discuss it.

I did a lot of what @iamthemob mentioned to get to the point where my relationship finally met the definition of happy and healthy but it was worth it & now after 7 years I’m looking forward to the next 7.

@nicobanks I was agreeing with you until your comments on my comments to others.
As @wundayatta stated, are you for or againt communication? Have you read the Tolstoy novel I referenced? It is about focusing on what i in front of you and what you do have.
I too was simply trying to answer the OP question.

Know yourself as well as you possibly can, then like or even love yourself as well as you possibly can first. Once that’s out of the way, choose someone you love exactly as they are. Make sure they feel the same way about you. Then, you will never expect more of each other than each is happy to give.

Yes lurve to your above answer @blueiiznh. Just like when the Declaration of the United States was made they wrote it down and kept a copy. I have written down what my wife is to me and the ways I will support her and help to make her dreams come true. This is changed once a week and then posted in our room. She does the same for me and our relationship has grown tremendously. I just about lost her to sickness the last two years and I have been caring for her. She has learned to walk again now so we are working on getting her set up with a business. I found that by redefining her for me and updating it I support her more than I ever have.

@blueiiznh No I haven’t read the novel, but I like very much what you wrote about it. I just don’t see what it has to do with @Summum‘s comments.

@wundayatta Why wouldn’t the OP want to read this discussion? It seems completely on-point to me. To answer your questions: I am absolutely in favour of communication and understanding your own biases: these two things have been the operative factors in the success of my marriage so far. I’m not really saying anything about one’s view of the world – what I’ve been talking about with @Summum is one’s view of one’s spouse. My point there is that you must accept your spouse on your spouse’s terms; meaning, when your view of your spouse, and your spouse’s view of him or herself, differ greatly, you must surrender your view in favour of your spouse’s, or else surrender the intimacy between you. E.g. I’m not gonna want to be your friend if you insist on seeing me in a way I don’t believe is true of myself. I.e. I don’t believe that, in a marriage, one party has the right to “create” for him or herself his or her spouse. Relationships are about give-and-take.

There is absolutely no other way to see your spouse except how you see her/him? What is your point @nicobanks it doesn’t make any sense? No one controls how you view or see another they can’t they are not you?

@Summum I’m sorry, but I’m confused by your use of question marks – I don’t understand if you’re stating your opinions, asking me questions, or attempting to paraphrase me. Can you try again?

No need too @nicobanks you made my point. No one thinks for another.

I really hope that this conversation helps you understand what I am saying @nicobanks I really do. It really has helped my relationship so much.

@Summum and @nicobanks, if you want to take the discussion to pms that would be great.

Sorry Jude I see where it is going and my last statement hopefully ends it. Thanks

Okay, I’ll make this very explicitly and narrowly relevant to the OP. @Summum How has unconditional love, and recreating your wife for yourself each day and making her more and more amazing, helped your relationship?

“All the goods ones are taken.” is invalid information.
Good ones are all created; by honest men and women,
encouraging each other to make the efforts and sacrifices
commonly required in happy healthy long-term relationships.
Hug on to any handy piece of crap available, and start working
us into the fantastic romantic relationship we both know we want
need and deserve for ourselves. Temporary relationships are also
valuable practice and experience. Volunteer your expertise with one
you know needs some help, and angels will want to direct your efforts.

Waiting to find or steal a ‘good one’’, keeps us unaccompanied, and dry.

Imperfect vision sees imperfection. Perfect vision sees perfection.

You can change the things you look at dramatically, just by changing the way you look at them.
Changing the way we look at things, changes the things we look at.
Example: 1000 years ago, the world was flat; and no one disputed that.
Someone dared to change the way we look at it, and now we all see that our world is round.
Consider what happens when we perceive something new about our 50/50 relationships.
Two people each fairly and willingly contribute at least their half, to their prosperity
and emotional comfort. When we find ourselves in one of these types of relationships that fail,
we may see fault with and blame our partner. Or, eventually we might realize that it is our
perception, of being responsible in relationship, that is the reason for the 50/50 divorce rate.

We may realize eventually, by trial and error, that successful relating is better sustained
by giving 100/100, both participants contributing everything that they possibly can, in their,
“All the way” relationship.

Lasting Love is never found. . . just lying about somewhere.
It is always something that is developed and nurtured, by patient,
honest, and forgiving people; working smart to create it.
Most lovers do not survive to become lasting, because so few of us LEARN
how to keep our love thriving.
With fair compromise and effort, sometimes people can build a seaworthy, relationSHIP.
And. . . IF, we get to SHIP level relations, there are many things that can, and do sink them,
50 percent of relationSHIPS sink, eventually ending in divorce or separation. We sink, most often, because we falsely believe we are in, should be in, or will be in; an unsinkable
relationSHIP.

Never expect a lover type relationship to be unsinkable, there are none in reality.
So, even if we do manage to create our relationship successfully, we must also
learn to look for and find the leaks that we will develop, patch them up, pump the bilge,
check for rust and dry rot, replace the varnish and repaint. . . ENDLESSLY.
And, even if we do all our relationSHIP work very well, we will not always
have smooth sailing. . . because our lives have storms.

The most beautiful sight we will ever see. . . is the Dawn of Our Enlightenment!

@nicobanks It has shown my sweet love how very important she is to me and that my integrity is for her and how I feel for her. She gets to see how much I really say that I love her and then through the next several days she gets to witness my actions in her behalf. Life is short and we need to experience all we can.