How does one overcome regret for a difficult life decision?

How old are you anyway? Do you have the capacity and capability to get your child back?
You will never of course get over it, let the pain remain so you can be a better mother next time. Good luck to you.

I don’t have a real answer for you, but I admire you. Giving up a child for adoption is the most selfless act of love I can imagine.
I had a child at 19 and was single. I was encouraged by a few to give her up. I was not selfless enough.
You provided a great blessing to someone else. That is love.

Is there any way for you to see a therapist, a grief therapist? Believe it or not, you are going through a grieving process. Yes, your daughter is still alive, but she’s not there, with you. It’s like dealing with a death.

You made such a hard decision, at a time when you are your most vulnerable. Now you are having to learn the process of living life, for you. You are an amazing person, you just may not understand that, at this time. I hope you realize what a gift you gave your daughter.

You really need to work through this with a counselor. You have no real idea how you would have been able to raise a daughter and provide for her, and she is probably much better off. But it is hard for us to convince you, a therapist will work this out to help you learn you made the best decision you could.

I have a friend who did this (and it is odd that this is the same friend I just refered to in several other questions), and struggles with it now, 26 years later.
She gave the child up to be adopted by a lesbian couple. She still see’s him at church, and he knows her role in his life. She has mentioned to me that she regrets having given him up, but she simply focuses herself on what is ahead, not things she cannot change.

I think part of the reason you haven’t forgiven yourself is that you may not have forgiven those who you feel pushed you to give up your child.

Giving up a child is terribly heartbreaking for you, I am sure. However, it was not heartbreaking for your child, who didn’t know what was happening. Your child is in a situation that you probably could not have provided at the time, so I think the way you forgive yourself is to move forward and exceed your own expectations.

Ohhh… @audball if you find out how to thrive with this experience, please let me know. I gave up my baby to a private adoption (I picked and met and still communicate with, the parents) at 17. It wasn’t terribly traumatic (unless I am suppressing the real feelings), but all the things that happened to me for a while afterward were. I am rooting for us both, dear!

Find a good confidante (maybe someone who has given up for adoption before) to help you through this. Try asking your local Planned Parenthood or women’s organization for references.

I had to make the decision to take medication away from my son and watch the machines keep him breathing and holding on. So I stopped a drug that was keeping his heart beating and it began to slow down. Do I regret that I had to let him go? No it was really the only thing I could do.

If there is anyway you could reach out to some counseling that would help you work out your feelings within, but in the interim, if there is any way for you to begin putting aside funds so that even if you only get to see her mid year or whenever they have that next open house, no matter if it takes you 11months to get that together, you could perhaps feel a bit better in knowing, that “effort” was truly made against all odds.Be proactive! Live in the now! Action speaks louder than words….You will aways be her mother. There may be a time coming soon that she will long for that closeness with you as you do her, so encourage yourself that anything is possible. You are victorious and not a victim! Your recieve validity that your child is healthy and happy today! That should be your focus. God bless.

You did a wonderful thing, but I do understand how painful it must be for you. I highly recommend some counseling to get you through the worst of it.

Bless you, you are incredibly strong for having done this, and for continuing to have a share in her life, allbeit from a distance. Much love to you for this strength.

I cannot think of better advice than you have been given above for attempting to come to terms with the grief you are feeling.

What does cross my mind though, is that one day, your daughter may want to seek you out, and she will have a lot of questions. (My father decided to take his own life when I was just 3, so I have some understanding of what emotions effect someone who’s parent chose not to be in their life. Your decision came from selflessness though, unlike my father’s, and I applaud you for that.) So, if I were her, I would want to know that you valued me (which is apparent in every word you write) but I would be caught up in the emotion of having been left.

Could you (if you haven’t already) put together an album/scrapbook of all the correspondences you receive, showing how you’ve followed her life every step of the way. Also, could you perhaps write her letters – not to send to her now, but for her to see if/when she seeks you out… these letters can speak from the heart as you have done here and can share your heartache and longing for her… A collection of letters from various points in her life (ie spread over a number of years) would be a way of showing that the words you say to her when you meet her are not just being said in the moment, but echo how you’ve felt throughout her lifetime…

You could also perhaps put together a book for her of your life, of the people who impacted on her life before she was born, of what you’ve done with your life, so that she would be able to get a greater picture of where she came from and the type of person you are…

I wonder if doing these things might provide you with a focus, a proactive way of utilising and perhaps helping to release the overwhelming feelings you carry around with you daily. There is, of course, no guarantee that she will seek you out, but it sounds like she is in a very supportive family now, and I imagine this supportiveness would continue to enabling for Leah to meet you when she gets older and is in a position to make these decisions.