Social Question

joy20's avatar

How long should it be until I see him again?

Asked by joy20 (106 points ) March 12th, 2011

I’ve been spending time with this guy for about five months. Earlier this month we decided we were going to be together. He means a lot to me; I care about him SO MUCH. Two nights ago, I went to see him and he lied to me…Not once, not twice…he kept lying. Since then he has appologized numerous times. He has acknowledged, on his own, that he messed up. He has promised that it won’t happen again…I’ve already forgiven him, he doesn’t know that though. I don’t want him to think he can lie to me, just say he’s sorry and get away with it. I miss him and I want to see him but I don’t want him to think he can lie to me and then have me acting like it’s all okay. At the same time, I want to put this behind us. He wanted me to come over and talk last night and I didn’t go. What should I do?

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15 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

See him right away…as soon as possible. Life is too short to waste on guessing whether time spent with him is right or wrong. Bring a ping pong paddle, school paste, glitter, a blind fold or 2, a couple of Zappa CD’s and a 6 pack of Grape Yoo Hoo and show him what he will be missing out on if he ever lies to you again! ;)

partyparty's avatar

Only you know what he lied about. I would go and see him and talk face to face. Ask him why he did it. If his answer is acceptable by you, then say you forgive him… but only on this one occasion. Good luck

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Coloma's avatar

Fool you once, shame on you.
Fool you twice shame on me.

I live by the 3 strikes rule.
But…it is really only 2 strikes, if you hit a 3rd, game over.

Your call if you want to give a big fat liar a 2nd chance. ;-)

filmfann's avatar

@Coloma Is that so hard that Bush couldn’t get it right?!

@joy20 You said you forgave him. That means you don’t go forward holding it over his head.
What did he lie about? That could be important as to how to move forward.

lemming's avatar

I think once a liar, always a liar.

zenvelo's avatar

You two need a talk on how you can trust him. And consider it should be from a place of “we need to be able to trust each other” if it is going to be a good relationship for both of you, that he needs to know that if you can’t trust him, it will not be a good relationship for him.

Randy's avatar

He apologized… Do you care enough to give him another shot? If no, what are you doing even thinking about it? If yes, what are you doing torturing the both of you? Love isn’t about playing games or teaching each other lessons.

Kardamom's avatar

A few questions first.
What exactly did he lie to you about? Some lies are insignificant, some are big and some are deal breakers.

Are you guys in the same city or is this a long distance type of relationship? Don’t bother getting involved in a long distance relationship if you are not married and you or your hubby isn’t in the military. If you do, you just asking for a magnification of any problems that you might already have (and a few that don’t exist when you see each other every day).

How old are both of you? The younger you guys are, the more likely it is that you will be dealing with someone who is not mature enough to be in a relationship.

In general, if the lie was something that was acknowledge, apologized for, and was something that won’t continue to re-infect your relationship (like if he flirted with/slept with your best friend/sister/cousin) and wasn’t something that was a huge betrayal to you, and you have forgiven him, then go over to his house, sit him down and have a nice long, calm talk. Tell him how it made you feel to find out that he lied, and let him know in no uncertain terms that you won’t put up with that kind of behavior. Ask him what his intentions are with you for the future (exclusive, monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend or something more casual). If you have forgiven him, let him know (and why) some things aren’t forgiveable, make sure you are forgiving him because it’s deserved, not just because you really want to be with this guy. And always remember (in the back of your head) that guys who lie (or cheat) usually tend to do it again. What did he say to you to make you believe that it won’t happen again? His words and his actions about the lying make a difference. Some guys will say anything just to get you to drop it. Let us know a little bit more how all of this situation played out and then we can give better advice. Sorry this happened to you.

BarnacleBill's avatar

What did he lie about? That you looked good in an outfit? That he wasn’t still talking to his ex? That he had a job?

You have not forgiven him even though you “said” you did. You need to decide if you understand why he lied to you before you can really forgive him. Is there something about the dynamics about your relationship that makes him feels he needs to lie in order maintain the relationship? Maybe that’s what needs the work? It’s not about a certain number of days, but what really happened, and how long does it take to really understand it.

john65pennington's avatar

I think it all depends on his lies. What was this all about?

You and only you know the situation much better than any of us on Fluther.

He has apologized to you, but that is not enough. I would let him simmer for about another day, then get back together.

Like I said, it all depends on his lies and what was involved.

ejk21405's avatar

I agree with @john65pennington, it depends on the lie.
You said you’ve already forgiven him and you’ve also let him stew for a bit so go talk to him. Tell him that you won’t accept another lie. If you trust him and forgive him then don’t drag it out too long, besides, making up is always great!

Bellatrix's avatar

I think it depends on what he lied about and why? That would be the crux of this for me. I don’t like being lied to and it does undermine the trust you can have in that person. However, it really does depend on the context. I wouldn’t advocate throwing away something that could be great, because he told a little fib. If it was an out and out lie though about something that really means something, can you trust him in the future?

My ex was one of the best liars I know and I am a very trusting person. He lied and lied and lied and about some really serious shit. I now look back and wonder, why didn’t I see these traits? How did I not notice he lied about that? The truth is because I didn’t want to. I wasted a lot of time pretending to myself he was a good guy. So, weigh up what this lie was and what it means about his character and whether you want to live with that sort of behaviour. It all comes down to the context in the end and what you are prepared to live with long term.

wundayatta's avatar

There is serious mistrust between you and your bf. You seem to think he needs to learn a lesson, as if withholding yourself from him longer will make him more likely to tell the truth the next time. You seem to think there is some ratio of time of withholding to likelihood of truth telling.

This is nonsense! (I was going to use a much harsher word, but you are new and do seem young)

What this shows is that clearly you don’t trust him. You are unwilling to take his word on having reformed his ways. If you believed him, there would be no need to punish him. Since you are punishing him, clearly you don’t believe him. And if you don’t believe him, then your so-called “forgiveness” is another lie.

It is imperative that you do what so many others have suggested and you and he have an honest talk. Sort out what you expect from each other. Understand why he lied and why you should believe him. If you still can’t believe him, then the relationship is over. You may not realize it yet, but you can’t base a relationship on dishonesty, especially when the dishonesty is on both sides.

You’re playing a game, and relationships aren’t games. It isn’t a contest to see who can get more out of whom. It’s not like guys will always try to get away with something and girls have to keep them penned up. That’s not a relationship; that’s a boxing match.

Personally, I think you should dump him now. But you love him soooooo much. So you’ll be learning the hard way. If you guys want to keep this relationship going and make it healthy, you have a lot of work to do, starting with learning how to make yourselves say the truth, even if it is really hard. The truth, they say, will set you free. That’s the risk you take. But wouldn’t you rather know now that you guys can’t communicate than in a couple of years when you’ve spent so much more time with someone you can’t speak clearly to?

Kardamom's avatar

God Bless You! @wundayatta Personally, I think you should dump him now. But you love him soooooo much. Girls are always much more willing than guys, to put up with a load of crap and hope that it will get better. Don’t be one of those girls.

Please let us in on the lie, though. If he said you “look totally sweet in those pants” and you’re a little overweight, then you’ve got a keeper. Some lies are “white lies” and are meant to be tactful and to avoid hurting your feelings for no reason, and others are hideous cases of injustice. What kinds of lies did this fellow tell you?

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