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seekingwolf's avatar

How do I get over the fear of my boyfriend leaving me for someone else?

Asked by seekingwolf (9998 points ) March 14th, 2011

Okay, let me first preface this by saying that I am NOT a jealous person. I have guy friends and my boyfriend has girl friends and I have zero issues with that. He’s not a cheater, nor a flirt, or a womanizer. I have no issues with him having girl friends, looking at porn, etc. So that’s not my concern.

Ok, so let me give you some background info:
My boyfriend and I have known each other for 6 years. We met through mutual friends. He is 20 and I am 21 so we met when he was a freshman in highschool and I was a sophomore. We didn’t go to the same school but rather, met online on AIM through mutual friends. He lived 20 minutes from me. We talked online EVERYDAY for a couple hours for a year before meeting because, well, I was hesitant about meeting. I still considered him a best friend though because we had bonded.

We finally met and it was great. We hit it off and became instant best friends. We’ve been talking just about everyday for the past…5 years? We also have always gone out too…coffee houses, lunch, long walks, etc. He always felt really comfortable with me and I with him. We were platonic for years and it was just great…I’ve helped him through hard times and he’s seen me through hard times too. I eventually went out of state for college but we still grew closer despite the distance. He went to a local college. We still got together when we could. He had a 2 year (not sexual) relationship with a girl that he really was mismatched with and fought with ALL the time and I had 2 1-year relationships…both with older men (the last one was with a man over 30 years my senior). There were times that it both crossed our minds about getting together with the other but he was with her and so he didn’t let those feelings grow, and vice versa for me. Us being “single” at the same time never really matched up until this winter. We ended up kissing while reading poetry and we confessed our feelings and have been together since.

Okay, so it’s been a few months. Things are going great! We talk everynight (like usual) but he also drives to see me and I can drive to see him (I am 2–3 hours away for school). And of course, we spend breaks together.

I can’t stress enough how much alike we are. We are very different from a lot of couples. He’s not a macho guy (he’s like me, average-looking to most but I find him very handsome) and doesn’t like girly girls or macho guys. I’m fairly androgynous. He’s had a few crushes before and they were always on girls like me. He’s SO picky…he won’t date a girl unless she’s extremely intelligent, must have a wide variety of interests (like he does) reads a lot, is a conservative Libertarian, but must be an atheist, NOT a girly girl, can’t be clingy/too emotional (he’s VERY logical), likes the same sort of music that he does, etc. Basically someone to learn from and teach stuff to, in his words. And this describes me to a T!

So what’s my deal, right? I’m not worried about him cheating or whatever. He’s been HUGE on monogamy ever since I’ve known him and he used to be in a band (we weren’t together then) and girls would just want to do him but he would just push them away and say “No! I have a girlfriend! Back off!” Despite all their fighting, he was very loyal to her and never had eyes for anyone else. I really respected him for it. So I’m not worried about him. It’s just…I think I’m falling in love with him! It’s scary! Do you know how long it’s been since I have been in love! About 6 years!!

I love my time spent with him. It all feels so natural and fun and good. We have our exciting times and then “relaxed” times. We haven’t had sex yet (he’s a virgin) but we plan to soon when we are ready. I’m REALLY falling for this guy and I know he’s falling for me too. Our relationship has always been deep and we have such a long history…now it’s just developing and it’s…wow.

Anyway, ONTO my concern. He’s going to change colleges. He’s going to go to this one in PA, about 1–2 hours from me. He’ll only go there for 2 years and is rooming with his best friend of like 10 years. I don’t know what I’m so worried about but I worry that he’ll somehow go there, meet someone else, and leave. I’m SO scared of getting my heart broken, you have no idea.

I don’t feel the jealousy urge, or an urge to control him from seeing women. That’s ridiculous. But I feel sadness at the idea. He tells me that he wants to be with me while he’s at college because a) we’ll both have cars b) we’ve been long-distance best friends for years and never grew apart and c) we both are planning to come back to the city where we are both from. Cause that’s where our homes are so we’ll be back for breaks and such and we’ll be back after college (he’s only going for 2 years – I have 1 year of school left).

BTW, he’s been to college parties and he hates them. He’s a very old soul in what he likes to do and is much more of a one-on-one person, along with lots of alone time. He’s so much like me. We really complement each other and it’s been amazing to see how we have grown together through the years and not apart.

GAH how do I shake this anxiety? It’s not all consuming or anything, but it nags at me. Am I just being stupid here? I am not telling him my fear because I KNOW I’m being neurotic and he shouldn’t have to hear that.

Please advise. Thanks.

Oh, and I’m sorry this is so long. +1000 interwebz cool points if you read the whole thing.

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24 Answers

AceSpadez's avatar

I think the best way to get over your fear is to remember that hes NOT like other guys(from what you say). If you both are on the same page then you should have nothing to worry about. If he cheats on you, it wasn’t meant to be anyways. So stay positive! You two seem to have a healthy relationship that has been known to stay strong, so why would it break now? :-)

seekingwolf's avatar

I know…you’re right ><

I really know he won’t cheat on me. He’s not like that. It still would hurt me terribly if he contacted me and was like “I met someone else. Just letting you know. Bye.” I mean, that’s not cheating…that’s leaving for someone else. I guess it could happen.

His long-time friends tell me “Oh man don’t worry. He’s not an ogler. He’s fiercely loyal. Don’t worry at all.”

My first love hurt me deeply and I haven’t been in love since so it’s quite scary to fall in love again! I’m scared of being with him and then losing him!

Overall though I’m so happy. Neither of us have to put on “fronts” for the other and we just are happy together, doing anything, even chores. It’s almost too good to be true!

AceSpadez's avatar

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. If he does call you and say that he met someone else then hes the one missing out. But I don’t believe he would do that to you. Besides, that sort of thing can happen in ANY relationship. Your relationship would be the last on the list for that sort of thing. Seeing as typically people only leave their current lover because they are missing something out of the relationship. It seems to me that you and your man are in a healthy relationship so the idea of him leaving you for someone else is unlikely. Also you should know that the fear could go both ways, he may secretly feel that way about you. You never know. Just keep living life with your head up high. Things are going good, so no need to spoil it with bad thoughts!

seekingwolf's avatar

Yeah…you’re right…it could happen in any relationship. But I guess this is a risk that I am going to have to take. I really do love being with him. :)

He and I have always done stuff together in the past (like watching movies online together) and he’s confident that we will be okay.
(I am actually chatting with him on AIM right now. We are going to Skype later after we watch an episode of a show we both like.)

I’m really glad to be with him and I’m going to try to do my best to move on from worrying. I want to enjoy my time with him and not worry. And I’ll do my best to make sure his needs are met, as well as mine. :)

gailcalled's avatar

@seekingwolf: You can turn anything into a catastrophe by brooding about “what if?”

Worrying and fretting and letting one’s imagination run riot has not prevented something that is going to happen, and likewise will not trigger bad stuff that isn’t meant to be.

seekingwolf's avatar

Yeah I need to stop worrying. :P
I’m definitely not neurotic in general but I have my moments. (like now)

Ah well.

Kardamom's avatar

Hopefully you have some good female friends in the town where you live. It’s good to have friends of the same sex to be able to hang out with and just do all sorts of things with. They don’t need to be “girly” types of things, but having good female friends is really important. You say that you have some male friends too, which is fine, but don’t make a habit of confiding too much in them about your new boyfriend and your feelings or hanging out with them all the time. Even though you are not looking to hook up with your other guy friends, just the fact that if you get to close to them emotionally, by talking about your feelings for your boyfriend, you are still putting yourself into a slightly vulnerable position, in that they are likely to start flirting with you. You have to trust me on this, I’ve seen it a million times. Guys that have females as “just friends” (even if it’s you) tend to want to have those girls get physical with them, even if they don’t say it out loud (unless they’re gay and then it’s probably ok) I’m just letting you know from my own experience that guys who have female “friends” are usually thinking about what it would be like to have sex with them. So I am saying this to you about your guy friends.

You seem to have found one of the few who don’t sound like they are likely to stray. My best friend’s boyfriend is a lot like that. He’s an average looking guy, pretty cute, but not anything earth shattering. But he is in a band, and subsequently has women flirting with him and trying to get him to be interested in them all the time. But (we’ll call him Ed) Ed only has eyes for my best friend. He’s pretty conservative when it comes to romance and stuff like that, and I think he values the fact that he found “the one” and he doesn’t have to put himself out there looking for someone else. He’s pretty happy with my best friend and they’ve been together for 15 years. Some pretty slutty chicks have thrown themselves in his direction, but he not only doesn’t go for them, he’s said that he thinks it’s tacky and disgusting (yea for Ed!) Ed doesn’t have any female friends of his own, other than he is friendly with the wives and girlfriends of his male friends, and me, but only because I am part of my best friend’s life (he’s sort of stuck with me, but I think he’s ok with that LOL). He is perfectly happy to be best friends and a boyfriend to my best friend and he’s just not particularly interested in looking around and seeing what or who else is out there. He found what he wanted and he’s pretty happy. Plus he’s the type to often not even notice when a bunch of slutty girls are throwing themselves at him. Me and my best friend notice it, and have actually pointed it out to him (he can be a little dense). But we don’t worry about him getting into any trouble, because he just doesn’t seem interested and has voiced disgust when he has found out about other male band mates (he’s been in several bands over the years) were cheating.

In other words, Ed’s actions and words, have given my best friend confidence that he loves her and has no interest in straying. So she doesn’t waste a minute of her time worrying about that. Although, she realizes that anybody, male or female has the potential to stray, and she’d drop him like a hot rock if he ever did anything like that. I think that is another thing that keeps Ed in check. He would die if my best friend left him, and he realizes that she wouldn’t waste one single second leaving him if he did cheat. She’s not the type to sit around waiting for a guy to change is mind and come running back, she’d be gone so fast that his head would spin. Luckily, he’s never given her the chance to test out the theory. My best friend exudes confidence and I think that is why they seem to be able to stay together, be happy and not waste time thinking about potential cheating or dumping. If you can do that, then you will be just fine. You can never know how the future will play out, but you always have to do your best anyway, and part of doing your best is not allowing yourself to dwell on the “what ifs.” When you guys are not together, enjoy spending time with your female friends and your family (and every now and then with your guy friends, but be careful about that, and hang out with them in groups and make sure these guy friends have met your boyfriend and know exactly where you stand). Good luck : )

seekingwolf's avatar

Truthfully, I don’t have many female friends. The ONE friend that I always confided in was my now boyfriend. The others? I talked to them some but nothing that I would consider confiding. Most of my guy friends have girlfriends, who I have met and we are cool.

I don’t think most of them are thinking about having sex with them. Is it bad to say that I don’t really care if they do? As long as they don’t express feelings or flirt with me, I don’t care.

To my knowledge, it was the same with my boyfriend. He and I have been close for many years and he told me things that he didn’t tell anyone else. We did not talk major details about his relationship though – out of respect for the girlfriend. We were still close but we didn’t talk about certain things for 2 years…he backed off a bit from me and I did from him out of respect. He has mostly guy friends that he hangs out with one-on-one but he also has a small handful of female friends. He’s not really that close with them though and they all have boyfriends, who are usually his friends as well. He usually hangs out with the girls and their boyfriends together. He says he prefers it that way.

He sort of believes that when you’re with someone, they should be your main focus and so he doesn’t get that close to others when he’s dating.

OMG, my boyfriend sounds a lot like this “Ed”. Slutty girls really gross him out. I know he’s had so many chances to do random sex when he was single or with his girlfriend but it just disgusted him. He finds women who dress very skanky to be gross…he’s rather conservative in that regard. It’s funny because I know he really enjoys doing sexual things with me but he thinks it should be confined to one person and ONE person only. I love it because I love sex and I think this way too!

Wow…he just fits “Ed” to a T! I’m serious! That’s crazy. Haha. he used to spend a couple days at a time at these conventions for the band. All these girls…he was just like “ew”.

I thought it was pretty interesting…he left his 2 year relationship after he was miserable and she didn’t want to make things better. He and I got closer again but remained friends. He waited a year and a half before even trying to date again. I was with a boyfriend at the time. He only did first dates and was like “Ugh…no more. They aren’t for me at all.”

Honestly, I’m not sure what will happen. He has his best “guy” friend but he has always considered me his BEST friend. So now we are boyfriend/girlfriend and still bestfriends too. We have always done so much together and now it’s like…a lot more. Haha.

But yeah, to answer your question, I don’t have too many female friends. I’ve hung out with his male friends (a couple of them are gay, with boyfriends, but most are straight) and my male friends and my father. Oh, and my last ex boyfriend but we only talk once a week.

Is it bad that I don’t have many female friends?

I just didn’t find many that I connected with at college.

I have a couple female “Friends” but I don’t tell them about my personal life that much.

Kardamom's avatar

I don’t think it’s bad that you don’t have many female friends, but you should always be open to the possibility of finding at least one really good one. Me and my best friend relate to each other in a way that even her boyfriend and her can’t, but I don’t get in the way of that relationship, I’m just another important part of her life and she of mine. I think having male friends is ok too, but you just have to be a lot more careful so as not to “create” a weird triangular situation. It’s nice for you and your boyfriend to have a few couple friends too, but just make sure that you get to spend enough one on one time with him.

I think you don’t have too much to worry about with your guy, because he sounds like he does one thing at a time (meaning that he has one girlfriend and is not actively seeking another one). And it’s great that he is disgusted by the slutty chicks that might throw themselves at him. Most guys would immediately jump at those opportunities. Plus, since he sounds like he does enjoy sex with you, that is where the spicy sexy stuff can be. I’m guessing that there’s a few special things that he likes you to do (like wearing certain clothes or acting out some little fantasy) That’s great, because if you’re into it too, then he will be so happy that he doesn’t need to go elsewhere to look for that stuff. I think you guys are going to do just fine. Just don’t waste your time worrying about him leaving. Just make sure that during the time you guys are apart (for school) make sure you call, e-mail, text skype, talk romantically on the phone, send real cards and letters and gifties on a regular basis. My best friend and “Ed” have had to spend some weeks apart when he has gone on tours and so they would talk on the phone all the time (actually they talk on the phone more than most couples, which seems to work for them). So don’t worry and just enjoy.

seekingwolf's avatar

Yeah, I’m still looking for that one good best friend. I mean, my best friend has now turned into my boyfriend, so it’s kind of funny. I haven’t found anyone that I can relate to in the way that I relate to my boyfriend/best friend. I did have a female best friend for over 15 years. We met when we were 3 and we were best best best buddies until we were 17/18ish. We are still on good terms but have grown apart. We are very different people now. sigh

Yeah, my boyfriend REALLY doesn’t like slutty girls. He says they cheapen sex and are nasty. He’s no Puritan at all but when it comes to sexual promiscuity and certain immoral acts, he just gets pretty upset. He’s been like this for as long as we have been friends.

My boyfriend and I haven’t had sex yet. He’s still a virgin. We are taking things slowly but we do other sexual things together and he enjoys them immensely with me. We both are very passionate and enjoy doing sexual things, but it’s not the main thing for us. I’m going to try not to worry. We already call each other, send pics/links to each other on FB, skype, IM (he doesn’t have texting), things like that. We also watch Netflix stuff online together (at the same time). We plan to see each other at least every couple of weeks for a few days. I am going home at the end of this week to see him for my Spring Break. In April, he has spring break from HIS college so he’s coming to see me at my school for a few days.

I guess the thing that just freaks me out are the stories. I hear a lot about people who go away to college and then just drop each other or someone cheats. Like I said, I’m not even concerned about the cheating but the leaving part? Ugh. It’s really those stories that get to me, not anything that my boyfriend does or is like.

I hope that makes sense.

Of course, there is another thing to consider: This is the first relationship with a guy my own age that I’ve had in YEARS. My previous boyfriend was 38 years my senior with a lot of health problems (we did not have sex) and such. He was a particularly grumpy old rabbit in the morning. But I never worried about him “meeting someone else” or anything. He was very set on me. But being with someone your own age? I hear all these stories about cheating, being flighty, not wanting to commit, immaturity, crazy things happening, blowing money, etc. It scares me and I don’t know what to expect!

Now here I am with my boyfriend and he just seems to defy all that, given how well we know each other, our long history, the way he is, etc. He tells me that he wants to be with me while he’s at the other college (which is 1–2 hours from mine, no biggie) and how we’ll see each other, and at the end of the terms, we go back to the same home area, stuff like that.

Gah, I am really trying my best to chill and just believe him for the time being…not to listen to what everyone else says.

seekingwolf's avatar

As for my guy friends, I have told them all already that I have a boyfriend. I haven’t had any problems thus far but yeah, I’m going to be careful, I promise.

My boyfriend still has his few gal friends but they all know me and about me. He has a bad track record of keeping gal pals because sometimes they fall for him (which he doesn’t like because he says it’s awkward so he ends up stopping the friendship) or they just get really strange in other ways and he decides to end it over that.
(It’s funny how much he dislikes it when girls like him and he doesn’t feel the same.)

Like I said, I’m not worried about him at all. He and I are on the same page regarding emotional cheating too and we agree that it’s something that is bad. But I don’t think it will be a problem because we’re an open couple and fill each others’ needs and give feedback. Always give feedback.

bolwerk's avatar

The “fear” is always a contingency. What you should do is make sure you have the suppy of friends, family, and a social life along with hobbies, self-esteem, and dignity to deal with it if and when it happens. That will probably make you worry a little less.

seekingwolf's avatar

You’re right. It’s important to have other things going on in your life.

I’ve never had much in the way of a social life (and that won’t change – it’s just me) but I have a plethora of hobbies that I enjoy, usually by myself, and a great family who supports me. I like my life a lot the way it is, single or not.

If it happens, I know I’ll survive. That’s not my concern. I just am still worried about getting hurt. The last time I was hurt, I was 14 and it was with (surprise) an older guy. It left me broken for years.

I am just not sure if love is worth the risk. This is why I typically have gone for “easier” guys who I knew wouldn’t stray, like my last boyfriend. I sometimes think about what it would be like to find someone who is more of a “sure thing”. But would I be happy? I don’t know.

Kardamom's avatar

@seekingwolf I wouldn’t worry about thinking that someone who is “easier” and less likely to stray would not able to give you the deep feelings of love and passion that you want. My best friend found her passion with “Ed.” (the man least likely to stray). Your new boyfriend sounds like he has the potential to give you a great relationship as long as you continue to be open and honest and never to become whiny, needy or naggy.

And for you, at this point, you can’t make the decision about whether “love is worth the risk.” You are already in love! And since you’ve known him for such a long time, you pretty much know what you are in for, and it sounds like you have lots of things in common and have some kind of a connection that other people don’t have.

Keep your hobbies and your passionate activities, no matter what happens, those things will enrich your life. It’s funny, because me and my best friend have always shared a lot of passionate activities, but in the beginning “Ed” wasn’t that particularly interested in some of these activities, especially hiking and eating vegetarian food (he was an avowed couch potato and carnivore) Guess what they did this weekend? They hiked up in the snow and had dinner at a vegetarian restaurant called Native Foods! Because my friend never nagged him, “Ed” finally discovered by watching her enjoy these things, that they were worthwhile and really fun. “Ed” is now a vegan if you can believe that.

I’ve always maintained that for the right guy, I could even learn to love football. LOL.

seekingwolf's avatar

@Kardamom

Yeah, you’re right. I’ve always been hoping that I could find the “whole package”, ya know? My last boyfriend was kind, caring, loving, and very loyal, but he could not give me what I wanted and needed in the sex and romance department. I realized that I needed something more but I still craved the loyalty and reliability in someone that I had before.
I’m definitely not a needy/clingy/naggy person. My mom is that way and I hate it! I can put up with a variety of bad habits and I have no issue with porn viewing, having friends who are girls, etc. My boyfriend has always told me that one of the reasons he really likes me (as a friend AND otherwise) is that I’m not neurotic, overly emotional, or clingy.

In fact, I haven’t really told him my worries here because I don’t want to appear that way. This is something that I need to deal with internally the best way I can.

Yeah my boyfriend and I have always had a deep connection. Not necessarily romantic, but a deep connection. He’s the sort who doesn’t warm up to people quickly. It took me years to see all sides of him, and years for him to see all sides of me. I definitely know who I am dealing with.

You’re right, I’m going to keep up my activities, as always. That’s so funny about Ed becoming more active and eating vegetarian food! My boyfriend and I have shared our interests through the years so it’s awesome because we are both passionate about things and now we also have someone to do them with. He has exposed me to different foods (he cooks), new music, a new TV show that now we are both addicted to, and is now teaching me the guitar. I however (I’m a science/languages person) have been showing him all this stuff about my major, he’s learning Latin through me, he’s going to learn to ski, and also more about the human body and medications.

I’m going to do my best to put this behind me and just concentrate on enjoying things with him!

Kardamom's avatar

@seekingwolf He really does sound like a great guy. He especially sounds like a great guy for you, in particular. The fact that he is introducing you to new things that you are enjoying (my S/O introduced me to the tv show The Nanny about 2 months ago and I’m hooked) and he is willing to try new things that you like, is a really, really good sign.

There’s no reason why you can’t casually discuss (in a non whiny, clingy or naggy manner because I believe you when you say that you aren’t like that. That’s a very good quality for a young woman) that you do have fears about him meeting someone else (based on your past disappoinments). He is likely to give you some sweet re-assurance that will make you feel more wanted by him. You should tell him about your past, without going into all of the gory details, just so he can know more about you and where you’re coming from. He’ll appreciate you all the more. And you can ask him about his past and his feelings, he would probably appreciate the fact that you are interested and able to hear about it, without accusing him of anything (because it sounds like you’re ok with it, which is also rare in a young woman). You don’t have to make any kind of production, just casually bring it up in conversation. This is going to be only one of many important conversations that you have with him. I think he’ll love you for it.

seekingwolf's avatar

Yeah he’s a good guy. When I get home for spring break, my mother is giving me her old guitar from college. He’s going to help me re-string it and then I get to practice with him. We both have a love of music (I played cello for 9 years) so that definitely binds us together. He’s a real “Renaissance” man and takes pride in that, and I am the same. So that’s another thing. It’s nice that our mutual interests run together.

I guess I will ask him about it in a bit. Maybe at a time when we are both calm and he’s open to it. He knows about some of my past and all. I’ve never been cheated on but I have been dumped for when the guy felt he needed an “upgrade”. I guess I will talk to him about how that makes me feel now.
I know about his past and all. He was with the one girl for 2 years. It was pretty miserable for him and he says he’s really happy to be with me. Because we don’t fight, we are easy going, etc. One of his pet peeves about his ex gf was that she was VERY insecure. She met all his friends and yet was concerned that he would cheat on her as soon as they had an argument for something. So it’s not like she had evidence or anything. He always told me how it hurt him when she did that because he felt like she was saying she felt he was a bad person. I would never, ever do that to him.

I’ll bring it up sometime and see what he says. No worries. Luckily, I’m not too emotional over this. It’s a worry, yes, but I can talk about it and be cool.

I’ll probably bring it up next week, when we are face-to-face over my spring break. We will be spending a lot of time together, going out and doing things, as well as just hanging out and talking like we’ve always done. I’ll bring it up then.

Thank you so much for your advice, BTW. I really appreciate it.

seekingwolf's avatar

I talked to my therapist today about my worries and I feel a lot better now. :)

Things will be okay. I’m very happy to be with a great boyfriend and I’m enjoying myself. I know he is too!

Kardamom's avatar

@seekingwolf I hope you two have a lovely, romantic time on your spring break.

P.S. I love the fact that you play the cello (love me some yo-yo ma) and that your BF is going to help you re-string your mom’s guitar. I think you guys are a really good match ; )

seekingwolf's avatar

Thanks! I’m sure we will have fun! He’s coming over on late Friday afternoon and spending the night. (My parents like him and let him spend the night provided that he’s on the couch and I’m in my bed by the time they get up, which is 7am). Then we get to hang out Saturday.

Definitely psyched about that guitar! :D

Kardamom's avatar

@seekingwolf The fact that your folks let him sleep over on the couch is a very good sign! Have a great time.

P.S. The fact that he is willing to stay over at your place, with your parents good blessings is an even better sign. The better he gets along with your folks, the more comfortable he will be, and the better it will be for you, because you are all starting out as one big happy family!!!

seekingwolf's avatar

You should have seen him last time.. He let my mom play his guitar! She hasn’t touched it since college. He complimented her playing and just completely won her over, haha. He’s also really good with my siblings (who both have autism), which is another reason my parents both like him. He takes time to talk to my little brother (he’s an Aspie) about politics and stuff. It’s cute.

He was very supportive to me during my break-up with my last boyfriend (the one who is 58 – my father was supportive of us though) and my father was really impressed with him and how he handled things with me.

So yeah they definitely like him! It’s great! :) I’m really thankful.

Kardamom's avatar

@seekingwolf He sounds like a keeper. : )

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