How to deal with a jealous friend?

If it was me, I would distance myself from the friendship for a while to give him a chance to get over me.

Maybe just avoid talking to him about those guys… I have mostly guy friends, and there are a few that I know just want to be friends, and others that would gladly jump to be more. You just have to be careful about what say to him. Hopefully avoiding the subject will at least lessen his jealousy around you.

Sometimes a guy just doesn’t get the message. I’d start pulling back from the friendship for a while, give him the chance to develop an interest in someone else.

@nir17 It is not a good idea for her to not talk about guys. He is more likely to continue on his course of liking her and to allow himself to believe that she likes him.

You might be more direct in rejecting him; it could help him understand.

Instead of telling him he’s not your type (which we all know is something that people get past) you need to say, “I am not interested in you.” And when he asks why, you’re going to have to tell him that part, too. Pull no punches.

“I don’t like what you talk about, the way you talk about things, your politics, your friends, your values, your self-centeredness, your clinginess, your lack of vision, your lack of creativity, your lack of money, your ride, your reliance on the words, ‘awesome’, ‘lame’, and ‘freakin’ and the way you dress. I would not want my children to get anywhere near your genes. Also your mother is a bitch and your dad hit on me. And I’d say yes to your dad before I’d say yes to you.”

Or you know… whatever.

A friend once said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

The friend will hold on to the hope of you returning his desire for a romantic relationship as long as you two stay so close. Otherwise, imagine what it will be like when you do start dating someone. If you want to maintain the friendship, help him in getting over the notion that you two have the potential to be a couple. I’m with those that say it’s time to give the friendship a bit of distance.

I’ve been there before, and honestly, the advice above to back away is good advice. Give him some space so that he can gain perspective on the issue.

Explain to him that jealous behaviour motivates you to withdraw from. Tell him that unless he is intending to ruin what you consider a good friendship with him, he should accept the basis of your friendship or be prepared to lose you as a friend.

You need to have a serious talk with this poor guy and tell him exactly how things are. Be aware that he might stop being friends with you after you set him straight, but to allow things to continue as they are is not fair to either one of you. He might continue to pine away for you and act jealous and be heart broken over and over and over, if you don’t set him straight. That is a very un-balanced and un-equal friendship to maintain and not sustainable over the long run.

You need to sit him down and say something like, “Rex, you know I love you and consider you to be my best friend. But we are only friends, in the platonic way, and I don’t feel any romantic inclination towards you and I never will. I’m sorry. You can’t force someone to feel something that they don’t. You can’t make people fall in love with anyone in particular. Sometimes the way you act toward me is painful and embarrassing for me, because I feel like I have to hide my feelings for other guys that I am interested in, so that you won’t be jealous and hurt. I don’t want to have live my life that way, where I have to keep my feelings inside. So you need to decide whether you want to be a real friend, and stop giving me grief and acting jealous toward me and stop expecting that someday I will become your girlfriend, because that’s just not going to happen. I value your friendship immensely, but I need you to be a friend and not a boyfriend. What do you think?”

Be prepared that he might be angry or embarrassed or hurt. But you have to set him straight, right now, or this situation will continue the way it has been going.

Also be prepared that he might say something like this, “Am I so hideous to you that you can’t imagine ever loving me?” or “We’ve been through so much together and I’ve always supported everything you’ve ever done. Why can’t you do the same for me?” or “Why can’t you just see that we were meant for each other, isn’t falling in love with your best friend what women always say they want?” or “Just tell me what to do, If you want me to be better, just tell me how I can do that?”

You need to have some answers ready that will still let this poor fellow know, in no un-certain terms, that you don’t have any romantic feelings for him and never will. But be as kind and gentle as you possibly can, even though he might yell at you (out of pain and embarrassment). Just don’t leave him with some type of optimistic idea that you might change your mind in the future.

And be prepared that he might have to walk away from your friendship, because staying would be too painful for him. Don’t be mad at him, if he chooses this route.

This person wouldn’t be a best friend of mine. I don’t want to censor myself around a best friend.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I agree. The moment someone starts to become even a little possessive or read too much into things, I tend to block them out for a while and return to the friendship until they’ve calmed down. Usually works for me. Would he be able to deal with some time from the friendship? I’m not saying discreetly slip away, just tell him you want to be alone for a while and see how he is when you see him again. If he values your friendship at all, he’ll learn to make the hard decisions.

I don’t know if it’ll work for you, but it’s never failed me.

Yeah, it’d just stop talking to him about other dudes. That’s obviously what’s going to upset him the most, so just keep that stuff for your mom or some girl friends. If you don’t lead him on unfairly then everything will be fine

@marinelife I don’t mean to avoid talking about them in a leading-him-on sort of way. I’m assuming that she’s already discussed that they’re only friends, and made it clear that’s how it will stay. My suggestion was to just avoid talking about it to avoid throwing salt in the wound, assuming he likes her but knows that they will not be together romantically.

@nir17 and @CBrennan15 She says that she is best friends with this guy. How on earth is she going to avoid talking about other guys that she is interested in? That is exactly what best friends do talk aout. Plus, she needs a best friend to discuss guys. I think she should try to cultivate some close friendships with females too.

What is she supposed to do with this guy (her friend), if she starts dating another guy as a real boyfriend? Is she supposed to hide the boyfriend and never mention him? That is not realistic.

You’re right that she shouldn’t talk to her friend about the potential boyfriends to rub them in his face, but if he is just a friend, then he needs to be able to talk to her and give her advice about potential love interests. If he can’t do that, because he himself is too in love with her, then he needs to bow out gracefully. Unfortunately, that is not usually the way life works. She needs to set him straight and then let him choose what to do next.

@Kardamom and @marinelife Not that this will win my argument, and not that it matters anyway… but my best friend for a good year and a half, was my ex-boyfriend of two years. I was dating someone else at the time… in fact, I was dating the guy that I left him for. We just didn’t talk about it, and maybe it wasn’t the best guy-girl friendship in the world, but it did work.

And who is to say that you HAVE to talk to your best friend about relationships? My best friend is very conservative and knows very little about relationships; therefore I hardly ever talk to her about mine. I have another (not best) friend that I talk to about that. It can be done.. she does not have to give up her best friend in order to date other people. It does not seem like an either/or situation. And also, who is to say that he is in love with her? I’ve liked a lot of my guy friends on and off… but it is not to say I cannot be friends with them. It’s human nature to be attracted to friends of the opposite sex for some reason or another—that’s why you chose to be friends with them.

If he’s a “jock” and he likes you, a “nerd,” then I bet he’s a nerd on the inside, but maybe he’s trying to impress you with the athletic personality. Just a guess, though…