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Begeara's avatar

My Girlfriend is killing me on the inside, what should I do?

Asked by Begeara (376 points ) March 31st, 2011

My girlfriend and I who have been dating for a very long time now recently had a pregnancy scare. The week we spent not knowing had us both absolutely terrified out of our minds but I promised her no matter what happens we would make things work out, even if I had to quit school and go get two jobs just to support her and the baby. (By the way I know this was all incredibly stupid of us so please no lectures :P )

She took the test and it was negative. A few hours after that she got angry at me and refused to tell me why. She was going on vacation the next day so, determined not to let her leave with those kind of feelings I ran back and told her I loved her more then anything and that I was gonna miss her so much. She didn’t reply but just walked away. Then just before she leaves the next day she sends me a text saying she loves me too and is gonna miss me and we exchanged many a mushy message (I’ll spare you and skip all that :P ) So she goes on vacation and gets back two days ago (from today.) When we start talking she goes on about this amazing guy she met while gone on vacation and she seems to talk to me different, almost like she doesn’t at all want to acknowledge me as her boyfriend. She seems extremely distant and I don’t know what to do. Its scary that just before she left we were getting on alright and everything seemed much better…

The way she’s talking to me now is honestly killing me inside and I don’t know what to do… I have the feeling if I confront her about it we’ll only get into another fight. I’ve tried giving her space but that only made everything worse. Any suggestions on what I can do?

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41 Answers

RareDenver's avatar

From what you have written it does in fact sound to me that she is maybe feeling that she wants to move on, maybe she has made that decision maybe she still doesn’t know what she wants but it certainly appears that the thought is there at least.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Perhaps the pregnancy scare made her think about things and maybe she realized that she isn’t exactly where she wants to be. You said she’s been distant since getting the negative pregnancy test, so it sounds like it could be related to that. Was she hoping she was pregnant? Maybe your reaction to her telling you the test was negative has something to do with it. It’s really hard to say.

The only thing you can really do is talk to her about it. If she is interested in this new guy, it may be time for the two of you to go your own ways.

blueiiznh's avatar

Based on this, all you can do is explain your feelings in a calm way.
Past that, give her space.
Go focus on some things for yourself and don’t drive yourself crazy by overthinking.
If it is meant to be, it will be.

gailcalled's avatar

This sounds as though she is becoming more distant emotionally, no matter what the prime cause. If you don’t sit down and talk about it, you are going to both be confused, angry and feelling even worse.

“I have the feeling that if I confront her about it, we’ll only get into another fight.” This point of view does not bode well for the relationship.

How old are you both?

cak's avatar

It sounds like the scare shocked her into a different state of thought. Before you say anything out of anger, approach what is going on. Ask her if things have changed, and if they have, please allow it to go peacefully.

Begeara's avatar

We’re both sixteen, its just hard to tell whats on her mind ever, how she’ll react to different things. I guess all I can really do is talk to her about it, it’ll be hard though because we have dated a while and honestly she is the first person I have ever felt this strongly about. But In the end all I want if for her to be happy, so I guess if she does want to move on I’ll just accept that and try my best to move on.

cak's avatar

Oh, @Begeara. No lectures, I promise. That must have been a huge scare for both of you. She really is probably dealing with a lot of relief and still some shock. She may see distancing herself from you as a way of forgetting what almost happened. Getting down off my Mother Soap-Box now, I promised I wouldn’t lecture!

janbb's avatar

@Begeara This is painful to go through. It happened to each of my sons; girlfriends went on vacation and broke up with them after meeting a new guy. This may or may not be what’s happening with you and her. You do need to talk to her and see what she says. She may not know what she wants right now and may indeed need some space. As you’re learning, love is hard. And remember, you have a great Mom to talk to too.

Begeara's avatar

She’s dropping some pretty huge hints that she likes this other guy… but he lives in the Dominican republic, it just strikes me as a little odd because she hates long distance relationships. I don’t think she really knows what she wants ether. Yeah I’m gonna be talking to my mom after she’s done teaching my brother and sister lol

Facade's avatar

You shouldn’t be putting yourself through all this at 16. If she wants to see what’s happening with the other boy, let her. There will be other girls, promise.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Yes.Walk away.
—Good luck—:)

Zaku's avatar

FLEE! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Take this opportunity to get out of this relationship immediately and do not look back! Be glad (VERY GLAD) she is currently not being hostile towards you and also thinks she wants to end the attachment!

Then when you are single, do not immediately get involved with someone else, but figure out (via counseling, for example) why you are so oriented towards getting emotionally dependent with someone who doesn’t really want you or respect you, and why when they do trash you, you don’t disengage but relate to it like you want to save the relationship.

(Consider that you could have found yourself being parents with her for the rest of your life, stuck in 2 jobs giving it all to her, being abused and cheated on by her, for 20+ years).

RareDenver's avatar

@Zaku I wish someone had said that to me when I was 16

Cruiser's avatar

Give her some space and start dating other girls.

Zaku's avatar

@RareDenver Ya. I wish someone had said it when I was 19+ till about three years ago.

marinelife's avatar

Personally, I think that missing out on the pregnancy was the best thing that could ever have happened to you.

She is treating you badly. I would pull back from the relationship.

1. Why is she coming back talking about other guys? Aren’t you guys supposed to be exclusive?

2. Why is she acting distant?

3. Why was she mad at you before she left?

4. Why do her moods blow hot and cold?

If she is like that much of the time, she sounds way too high maintenance.

I would break up with her (for reasons 1–4 above).

Find someone who cares for you and is not taking knives to your insides.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Pregnancy scares can really affect people, emotionally. She is trying to distance herself in order to move on but that other guy means nothing, trust me.

skfinkel's avatar

Some girls want to get pregnant, and you said she became hostile after she found she wasn’t pregnant. You are TOO YOUNG to be thinking of supporting this (or any) girl and leaving school. But perhaps that is what she wants. So, you need to make sure that, unless you want a baby now, she doesn’t get pregnant—at least by you. And, as difficult as it might be, you might want to rethink this relationship all together. You to have go by how she acts and what she says, and what you have written doesn’t sound like she is putting you high on her list of people she cares about.

CaptainHarley's avatar

You should start looking for a new girlfriend. This one is obviously not in love with you, if she ever was. The fact that she is telling you how wonderful some other guy is should be enough proof in and of itself.

tranquilsea's avatar

Thank you all for the great advice. This girl is pulling him all over the place and it has been causing him a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil. His needs mean nothing and her’s seem to mean everything. He deserves better than that as he is a really great kid.

TexasDude's avatar

I’m going to give it to you straight:

She’s got a bad case of the crazy. Pull the eject lever now. You’ll thank yourself later.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I think you should count your blessings and move on. Be the mature one here. You can see she’s pulling back. Let her go now and move on.

Quite frankly, she’s not even the type of person I’d want as a friend, let alone a significant other or to be a co-parent with.

You both went through something pretty stressful. She’s shown you how she handles life’s problems. Time to wave good-bye and not look back.

janbb's avatar

I always find it amazing how easy it is to tell someone to move on but how hard it is for the person who actually has to do it. Ending any meaningful relationship – especially a love one – is painful. You just have to realize that it will hurt for a while but eventually the pain will lessen; it is not immediate but a progression.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

You’re only 16 – and the world is full of girls. Don’t let yourself get this serious so young. You have your whole life ahead of you to be abused by women. Listen to @SpatzieLover ; that is great advice.

jellyfish3232's avatar

If you’re 16, terminate the relationship. You’re too young to even be able to have “pregnancy scares”, and this girl sounds like a freak.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Pregnancy scares can refocus some people, and perhaps for her, the refocus is that she sees her future differently, and does not want to find herself in this position again. She may be trying to figure out how to tell you that the relationship can’t go back to the way it was, but just isn’t sure exactly what she wants to say, and how to say it.

RareDenver's avatar

@BarnacleBill I was just thinking about this again and had that same thought

Maybe the pregnancy made her visualise you and her ‘forever’ and that scared her/

tranquilsea's avatar

She’s put all kinds of pressure on him with regards to wanting a baby. She runs hot and cold constantly which I realize is fairly common for 16 years olds. She’s forgotten that this was a massive shock to him as well. She’s responded by flirting with some guy and then making a point of telling him how great this guy made her feel and how much she wants to move down to the Dominican Republic.

He needs to find someone who loves him just as much as he loves her. He needs to allow himself to grow up a bit and experience the world.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Sounds to me like this girl wants someone to be serious enough to take her on and she sees having a baby as the way to seal the deal. Count yourself lucky you are not a teenage father now, giving your all to not just one other person but two and on the grounds of what someone else wants more than they want you.

Perhaps not being pregnant threatens her security as far as what she thinks you’ll do for her and that’s why she’s taunting you with stories of the vacation guy? It’s not a good thing- her type will pressure just about any man she thinks will give her what she wants and she’ll tell herself he’s good enough because of what he gives but she will also always disrespect him to cover her guilt about not really loving him for himself.

jlelandg's avatar

Pull out from the relationship quicker than you did during coitus.

kb12345's avatar

I am somewhat young too and I have recently gone through a hard time like this. You may not see it now but this bad thing is actually happening for a reason! Better things WILL come along you just need to be patient. Hang in there!

josie's avatar

Lots of things that you do not control can make your life complicated. And that is enough to have to put up with.
The things that you actually control should be simple and pleasant to offset life’s difficulties.
This relationship sounds complicated.
YOU choose your relationships.
Choose one that is less complicated for your own sake.
Women (or guys, depending on where you stand) who make life complicated are a real vexation to the spirit. Get rid of them.

tranquilsea's avatar

The relationship has ended thank god

She did cheat on him and he’s broken it off.

gailcalled's avatar

I am really happy to hear this. Now that the situation has been resolved, is there an issue of perhaps not having intercourse at his age? There are a lot of other ways of exploring his sexuality that are not so fraught with risk.

tranquilsea's avatar

@gailcalled I think he learned a lot from this relationship, that being one major point.

gailcalled's avatar

Glad to hear that.

janbb's avatar

@tranquilsea Give him a hug for us.

tranquilsea's avatar

@janbb done. you guys are awesome btw

SpatzieLover's avatar

I’m so relieved to know she’s out of the picture. Thank you for the update!

markylit's avatar

Yes, you deserve someone better and who really cares about you. That’s all.

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