Any relationship advice for my friend or her boyfriend?
She’s American, he’s French. They met when “Phoebe” was teaching abroad in France, and were over there for the first year of their relationship. “Pierre” is working hard at his career, and got an internship followed by a two-year fellowship in the States. Phoebe moved with him to a random town in North Carolina (far from home). Now they’re getting ready for the next step: Pierre’s fellowship in Buffalo then New Jersey, and Phoebe going to grad school in Boston.
They are madly in love and want to get married one day, but the two years of long distance is too much for Pierre and he is really upset. He wants Phoebe to defer grad school and move to Buffalo with him, which she does not want to do. She has already just hung out and did boring jobs while he was advancing his career both in towns she didn’t like in France and North Carolina, and she’s excited to go back to school and doesn’t want to sit around for a year or two and wait.
Pierre says that he made the ultimate sacrifice by moving to the U.S. for her and thinks she should make sacrifices too. Ever since she mailed in her deposit for school, he’s been super grumpy and won’t talk to her, acknowledge her, or give her any physical contact. As Phoebe’s friend and the houseguest on the couch at the moment, it’s pretty unbearable. Pierre is simply wallowing in self-pity, which makes things so much worse.
The thing is, Pierre is not going to be happy no matter what in Buffalo. He’s still going to be far from his friends and family in France, and he doesn’t really go out and meet people. It seems obvious to me that since he’s not going to be better off with her, the glimmer of joy of talking to Phoebe every day and seeing her every two weeks is worth it. We have to act fast to get him to change his tune! He’s super romantic and I think some romantic act could save them.
Any advice for Phoebe to convince Pierre to hang on through these two years, or advice for Pierre?
Sorry this is long, thanks a lot!
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13 Answers
He sounds like a spoiled brat. She should seriously consider dumping him.
Compromise. Why couldn’t Phoebe go to Grad School in Buffalo? There is a great university there?
Buffalo and New Jersey are a lot closer to Boston than France.
It’s her turn to work on her career advancement.
@marinelife There is, but the program she’s doing isn’t offered everywhere.
This is an off-the-cuff answer, just so you know that I’ve not put tons of thought into it.
1. If she sent her to deposit to the grad school in Boston, it seems to me like she has made up her mind. Especially if she can’t get that deposit back.
2. If she can get her deposit back, would she consider going to the SUNY school in Buffalo? (What’s she studying anyway?)
3. He needs to quit being petulant and understand that she has a life to live too. Boston & New Jersey and/or Buffalo are not horrible in terms of visiting distance. If she’s going to Boston, she needs to find a way to say “I love you. You’re being childish about my opportunities and the pouting needs to stop. If this is how you’re going to handle any other conflicts, I’m not sure I can deal with it.”
4. Does he plan to go back to France when he’s done here? And will she be happy with that?
I know that’s not the romantic solution you were hoping for. I do hope that it will help her to make some decisions though.
No it’s all helpful! She is definitely going to Boston next year, and he is definitely going to Buffalo. They plan to move somewhere together after that, maybe in Europe, but they’ll be together wherever it is.
This could be the most idiotic, uncaring suggestion and worse, unromantic…!
Maybe your friend ( only if she’s willing of course ) could propose ( no not that propose, sheesh! ) to pierre that it is time to move their relationship to the next level ( cliche I know ) by pursuing what would both benefit them as individuals in a separate setting to prove that their love is more than just about being close together. Their love would be stronger if they pull this off! ( or not but dont tell her that? )
Did they not talk about this before he moved to the US? If he left France with the assumption that they would be together in the states, and now she’s ditching him for school, then yeah, I can understand why he’s so pissed.
It sounds like they are both being selfish and then getting pissed off at the other person for doing exactly what each person did him/herself. They both made a sacrifice for the relationship, and then switched it up and made their career the priority. One of them is going to need to decide that they want this relationship more than their career, or they need to break up. The only compromise is what has been suggested above—find a way to go to school in Buffalo, or have his fellowship in Boston.
She is definitely going to Boston, he is definitely going to Buffalo. What I’m looking for is stuff like @mazingerz88‘s contribution, specific things Phoebe can say to give Pierre faith in going long distance.
She should get used to her boyfriend acting like a spoiled brat if they stay together. She has supported his ambitions for the last couple of years; is it too much for him to support hers?
Pierre sounds like an emotionally immature sexist pig.
If I were Phoebe I’d let him go to Buffalo willingly, then look for my way out during Boston.
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