How can I "find myself" again?

It’s not easy, but you can do anything you set your mind to. It seems hard now, but in the future when you are past this bump, you will look back and be glad it made you into a stronger person.

A lot of people come out of relationship not knowing who they really are. You can always find yourself again.

Therapy is a good start, so I’m glad you’re already tackling that. Time is a great healer, too. As you get over the worst of this bad time, you’ll feel well enough to start doing things again. In the meantime, if at all possible, make yourself do something… take a 10 minute walk, paint your nails, read a chapter of a book… just some little thing, every day.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time, and hope you feel better soon.

Try not to focus on who you were before, but who you are now. You are not the same person you were 2 years ago. To find yourself pinpoint what compromises your making and ask yourself would you do that if not for him.

Hi Ette_, nice to see you first of all. I think it is important to realise that no matter how much of a mess things seem to be at the moment, they will improve. Might take a while, but it will happen. You are taking the first step in recognising you need to focus on you and not be so absorbed in being what your boyfriend wants you to be or in doing things he might like. Take little steps. Perhaps start with a list of things you want to do. Not expensive things that cost money, just small things you can actually achieve. That is a real key, “achievable” goals. Make yourself go out each day for a walk or something. Start doing some voluntary work so that you can start to focus on things outside of your little space. If you stopped doing things you love like writing or drawing or gardening or running, take them up again. Little by little you need to reclaim YOU.

In terms of your boyfriend, perhaps try to just put him to one-side for a while. Be selfish and focus on you. Perhaps (and only you and he know this) part of the problem was that it is difficult to be the centre of someone else’s world. It is a big responsibility to feel that you are so integral to someone’s life. By starting to take ownership of your life and placing your needs first, you might just work some things out with your boyfriend and become a much stronger person along the way. I hope so anyway. As @augustlan said, the therapy is a very good idea so do keep that up too. Hugs.

It’s great that you are realizing that you have personal development opportunities, because that’s what it really is—opportunity to get to know a really interesting person, who will do whatever you want to do. Try to get out of the house when you can, and talk to people you meet who are also walking, in the book store, at the coffee shop, etc. Having multi-generational acquaintances can expand your horizons and feel more connected to your community. Volunteering is also a good way to develop contacts and interests.

Do you have old friends who you can reconnect with now that you have the time for friendships?

I can identify deeply with your story, it is approximately what happened when my very first serious relationship ended.

I had put such emphasis on the “we” part of my relationship that i had forgotten the most important part, the “me” part. When we broke up, it felt as if a large chunk of my soul been taken away. I no longer knew who I was. It took me many years of serious self scrutiny to realize that i had failed to take the responsibility to cultivate my own independent persona.

I remember the instance of realization; I woke up in bed, and suddenly saw that I had sold out my soul to another person, and that the person had left with that big chunk of me. When in the midst of the breakup i remember thinking the thought “I am nothing without her”. When i realized that I had sold myself out to that extent, i swore to myself that i would never think that way again, or act in such a way as to tear down the walls to the extent that your soul fuses with your loved one – I strongly believe that you need to realize that you are your own person, no matter how much you love someone else. The hollywood myth of fusing souls with your loved one is false and poisonous.

As harsh as this sounds, you are born alone and you will die alone. This does not entail that you cannot love another human, but you must always take responsibility for your self first, before you can have the ability to love another.

This is what took me out of the crisis. The realization that I must first work on my own life by myself, and that love and all good things would follow.

I bought a new apartment and I started doing the things i liked doing on my spare time, such as fishing, programming and martial arts. I decided that i would make my life into what i wanted it to be, and if anyone wanted to share that life, that would be a good after effect. I will never again think that i am nothing without someone else.

I am now in a commited relationship since 5 years, but i will never again tear down emotional walls to the point where i would not be able to have my own persona after a breakup.

I think once you have this realisation of personal responsibility, that nobody will fix your life except you, and that you shouldnt sell your soul to someone else, the practical things will follow. I hope this might give you some idea of what you need to do, and that you will reach that point swiftly. An excersise that has helped me immensly in reaching that realisation was that of reframing.

If it’s any consolation, down the road I feel almost grateful for the experience, and i think this episode was extremely valuable to me. In hindsight i don’t think i would trade away the pain i felt as the insight was so much more valuable than that.

I hope you will find your way, and remember that there are many people in your life that love you for who you are, but that none of them will fix your life for you.

Firstly you have done the right thing in giving the relationship your all….and even though you lose the relationship you have gain in many ways..if you shall open your eyes to it…

Now is the perfect time as you say to find yourself…and the good things is that you need not anyone nor anything to actually find yourself. no money is good,.. nothing to do is good..for there are fewer distractions to prevent you from reaching your goal…..finding yourself..

Now take the time to ponder on your life experiences… you would notice that the things that you enjoyed the most are the things that you pour your heart into.. and regret comes only because you have perceived in your mind these things as a loss…

have you forgotten that These things are still the same place where they have always been….?That is in you…?
So you therefore -go -be -do -Live. For Life is without Limits to those who can perceive it as such… and to gain such a perception.. Change the way you think…..Life is in you and limitless so therefore you cannot ever lose….with that you eliminate all fears and regrets….Then you shall begin to see clearly Yourself.

“I have poured out my entire being into my relationship with him. ”

I think you realize that pouring your entire life was not good…IMO at least in the long run it is not good as you left yourself behind in doing this. I have done that too and it is easy to say to not invest yourself 110% into a relationship…but in reality so hard to not do.

You say you have so many things you did together that you loved doing that you always liked doing before you guys hooked up and those are the things you should go back to doing. Doing the things you love to do are the best things about living life. Start doing them again and in no time you will have your old self back again! Good luck!

Ask yourself several times a day what you think or feel about stuff that is going on and listen to your answers.

Ask yourself what you would like to do today.

Try and get exercise, which raises your endorphin levels and increases your sense of well-being. Try to take walks outside. It is spring—a beautiful time for reinventing yourself.

Take on smaller projects. Take a long hot bath.

This is a very common trap for many people. They lose all sense of themselves when they are in a relationship. So, don’t feel bad at all, first off. It’s very common. But you wanna find who you were before the relationship. The MOST IMPORTANT thing about this is that you need to truly do it FOR YOU and not do it with the hopes that it will save the relationship somehow. That is a completely false sense of self. The first thing I would suggest is doing community service. Big Brothers, Big Sisters is a great program-but anything, that will help you stop mulling about bad things or what you did wrong. I have totally been there and being unemployed only leaves more time for feeling bad and it turns into a nasty cycle that will be very hard to climb out of. Another thing I would suggest is getting any type of job. Many people wait to find the perfect job, but just getting out and doing something will help immensely!!! Even if it’s not your dream job. It will help you get back into a schedule and get out of the house. Also, force yourself to do the things you once loved even if you do not enjoy them. Dance, listen to music, scrapbook. With time you will find that you will find joy in them again. Also, pick up new hobbies and pour your soul into them. Finding out things you love outside of your ex will help you find yourself again. You will be your own person. The person who loves scrapbooking, community service, music, etc, etc. Good luck!!! I feel for you so much as I have been right smack in your position. In fact, I was just less than a year ago. But I promise you, YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN! Just keep at it and you will be happy when your are able to smile again without the help of any other person than yourself! :)

I find this idea of “finding yourself” very peculiar. I’m not being flippant when I say that You are right there! Where you are!

You haven’t gone far. You’re right there. Easy to find. Problem is, I think, that most people don’t recognize themselves, so even thought they’ve found themselves, they keep on looking.

You put your life into your boyfriend. You may even have turned yourself into his servant. You wanted to please. To be of use. He gave you a reason for being. And then he was gone.

You are still there. Right there. Wherever you are. You are still the person who wants to serve; who wants to be of use; who wants to please. You know, deep in your heart, that serving others is where it’s at. Just because he’s gone, doesn’t mean any of that has changed.

My first love ditched me when I graduated from college. I had no idea what was coming. I was devastated. I got depressed for maybe six months. I could not understand what had happened. Why had she dumped me? Who was I?

And yet, at the same time, I knew who I was. I had the same desires and the same habits and the same loves and joys that I always had. Indeed, I still wanted to be in love more than anything. I wanted to connect at the deepest level with someone who got me.

I’m 54 years old now, and the same things that moved me at age 15 are still in effect. Every single one of them. I love to play trumpet. I love to dance. I love ice skating. I love to write and to think about cool things, and I love love. I love to be intensely in love with a woman who understands me enough that I can feel like me.

It was all there when I was 15. It’s still here.

The same is true for you. You are still you. You don’t have to find yourself. You just have to look around and you will see yourself everywhere.

Go back to your roots. Remember your concerns when you were 10 or 15. Remember what has moved you all your life. Even when you were involved with him. Remember the times it gave you pleasure to serve someone else.

It is ok to be a servant. So long as your partner is also a servant. We serve each other and that gives us both pleasure. We just want each other to be happy.

That’s still true. Maybe you lost it with your bf, but it’s still there—that desire to make someone happy. Maybe you chose the wrong person last time. Most of us, I think, make many poor choices. We can still start over, because that’s who we are—people who want to love and be special to someone and be a partner in everything.

That’s you. But it’s not all of you. You have all the other things you love. They are there. Maybe you haven’t done them for a long time, but they are there. It’s time to remember them and to try them out again.

When I have been in similar struggles here is what helped me most in no particular order:
Funny movies, chocolate, long walks, meditation, reading cheapo women mags, taking time to breathe & just be.

I can completely understand your situation and feeling. I can even hear and feel the pain in your words.
You gave yourself completely to that other person and you feel like you lost yourself because of it.
The world is full of takers and you sound like a very giving person. Sadly the people most giving can get trapped by those takers. If two giving people come together, it is amazing.

As selfish as it may sound, you need to focus on yourself and what your needs are. You need to find yourself in doing things that you are interested in and for reasons that you like. You need to laugh and find joy because they are the very things that bring you joy and happiness. If you have to regress a bit to help kick start it, its ok.
Go visit places and people that you are allowed to be you. That you do not feel judged by.
Avoid the things that bring you pain or reminders of negative things in your past.
Those will eventually fade, but you are right, you need to find yourself. Perhaps a better set of words is You need to find and live your true self.
Keep up the good hard work. You will get there!
Prayers your way!

Here are a couple of links that I hope help.
discover your true self
your true self