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KateTheGreat's avatar

How can I politely tell my roommate that she is obnoxious?

Asked by KateTheGreat (13610 points ) April 18th, 2011

I have the roommate from hell. She is loud, obnoxious, rude, and annoying! She constantly brings guys in the room really late at night, she masturbates loud and violently for hours, and she is so heavy that she sounds like an elephant galloping across the floor.

Every time that I hint that she is being inappropriate, she accuses me of being racist against black people, which is completely bogus. How can I politely ask for her to be considerate?

I’ve tried to bring it to her attention and I’ve failed completely. I’m about to beat her with a sack of bricks.

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15 Answers

optimisticpessimist's avatar

You really can’t. If she is already accusing you of being racist just by dropping hints, she will not take point blank very well. You could ask to change rooms. If your school year is almost over, you could just wait this out and request a different roommate for the following term.

I had a roommate whose boyfriend was living in our room. This was not particularly comfortable for me; however, at least they were nice about it and did not have sex (or at least loud sex) while I was in the room. Fortunately, we ended up working opposite shifts frequently as she was a day worker and I had rotating shifts. When we had to change barracks, she started rooming with another girl who had a boyfriend there and they just ended up with one couple in one room and another couple in the other.

You could also start doing things she finds obnoxious, but I doubt that would solve anything.

gravity's avatar

Obviously you are just going to have to tell her you are not willing to put up with the behavior any longer. Do what you have to do to make it stop. Bad spot to be in when people don’t respect each others boundaries. Good luck… make it happen…

aprilsimnel's avatar

“I shouldn’t have to hear you when your have your private time. That’s why it’s private time.”

“I shouldn’t have to hear you and whomever have sex. Or you should go to the guy’s place sometimes.” (You really can’t tell her she can’t have one night stands)

“Then you’re just going to have to think I’m a racist. I have a right to peace and quiet in my own home.”

I think you’re out of luck on her weight. That’s her weight for the foreseeable future, you know?. ::shrugs::

What did your RA say (if you’re living in the dorms)? And her “you’re a racist” stuff? Ignore it and say something to your RA (and hope that your RA has the common sense to see through the accusations for what they are). Is there an ombudsman at your school you can turn to, since she’s decided to go that route? Document everything you say to her on the subject going forward.

Honestly. Some people. In any event, remember for next time: make out an agreement on what is/isn’t OK with your next roommate, even if that’s your SO. Makes for a lot less drama.

Shoot, wish I lived there. I’d rip that girl a new one. My roommate during freshman year was just the same, but white – and she’d bring in a friend of hers on more than one occasion for 3-ways with skanky dudes without giving me any indication that was going to happen. I gave her a piece of my mind, let me tell you.

WasCy's avatar

The short answer is “you can’t”. There is no way that you can ever tell anyone that they are “obnoxious” (or even close to that, or with euphemisms) without offending them.

And for you to attempt to tell her that she’s “inappropriate” is to apply your standards to her, which she already doesn’t accept, or she wouldn’t do the things you notice if she knew that you were noticing. For example, most of us think that it’s inappropriate to “masturbate loudly and violently” and if we knew that our roommates could hear us, would at least attempt to modify our behavior. The fact that she apparently knows that you know, and doesn’t care, means that “your standards” don’t apply to her. (That doesn’t mean that you’re racist, but that’s often a convenient dodge when one doesn’t want to change behavior: “you’re wrong for wanting me to change”.)

What you might actually be able to do is negotiate with her. If you tell her one thing that you’d like her to change – just because you want her to – and agree to change something about yourself at the same time – then you might start to make some progress. But you really need to be diplomatic about this, and maybe even offer to make the first change in yourself, to satisfy some desire of hers.

If the relationship is already as toxic as it seems, then even that may be a long shot, but the only one likely to work if you’re going to have to continue to live together.

I must add, though, that you’re bringing things into this description that indicate a certain unwillingness on your part to accept things as they are, such as her weight, for example. Are you absolutely sure that some of your antipathy toward her doesn’t stem from things that have less to do with “behavior” and more to do with some kind of “appearance”?

Response moderated (Spam)
Michael_Huntington's avatar

That was off the hook, yo!

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Yo, yo, my name is Kate
and there’s nothing more I hate
than when you masturbate
You goddamn ingrate
You like to fellate
And I can’t relate

deni's avatar

I think one of you has to move. If she’s fat and lazy it will probably be you…

XOIIO's avatar

B*tch her out?

KateTheGreat's avatar

@XOIIO If I bitched her out, I’d get hurt. She’s literally 350 pounds and insane. I’m afraid she’d kill me and eat me if I did that.

XOIIO's avatar

Eeeewwwww

Now I saw that masturbating

You could compete with her, masturbate into a megaphone lol

Buttonstc's avatar

How did you end up with her as a roommate?

If this is some random assignment college system, you need to go to whoever is in charge and get things changed. It’s totally ridiculous for you to have to put up with someone so totally inconsiderate.

In my first semester of college I had a weird type of roommate who apparently hated me for whatever reason. I would politely try to start a friendly conversation and received zero reply really strange However, she dropped out after the first few months (couldn’t adjust to college for some reason or had psych problems or whatever).

So I had the bliss of having the room to myself for the whole rest of the year. After that I chose my future roommates wisely and had no further problems.

So if you don’t have any luck with the powers that be who arranged this horror show, maybe you can figure out a way to have her quit.

Have you ever seen the movie “Gaslight”. It’s an oldie but goody and may give you some inspiration.

Yeah I know that’s a horrible idea for those of you clucking over reading this but it was basically offered tongue-in-cheek (well at least halfway that is).

What can I say? I’m evil :)

Go for it ! Gaslight the beyotch already and be done with it…

:)

Response moderated (Spam)
Michael_Huntington's avatar

I’m down with that, my sister from another mister.

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