Is there a way to teach spontaneity ?

What does she want? If she’s more deliberative, she’s more deliberative.

Exactly who is the “we” being referred to here?

How old is she and why do others seem so interested in changing her (or is it basically you assuming that others must feel the same way about it)?

More importantly, has she herself expressed a desire to be more spontaneous?

Until I know more about the total situation, I won’t comment further.

Everybody into the pool !!
Just be spontaneous around her (w/o making a point of how much she isn’t etc) she’ll get whipped up into the fun

We are [ age doesn’t matter in this situation because we are not talking about a kid ]

She definitely wants it.

We want to change her because as the times passes she’ll get to be to passive [ way to much ]

And she wants to be left alone [ wich it wont happen… because the circles she attends aren’t suited for “i wanna be alone” ]
She wants to change a bit but not much.

By the way, who decreed that turtles are lazy? They walk through life the way that turtles are designed to walk through life by God and nature.

You and your family may wish that turtles would move like Cheetahs but that would be contrary to how they were designed.

Are you even aware of how perjorative your attitude about her is? I certainly hope you refrain from communicating this to her.

Your Q is basically asking how you can teach her to NOT be herself. If God designed her to be like a turtle, why is that so bad?

Do you honestly think that there is an animal behaviorist on the entire planet who could successfully “teach” a turtle to be a Cheetah. Or to teach a turtle to be “spontaneous” like a Rhesus monkey and grab everything in sight?

My best answer to your question would be:

Stop trying to change her and just let her be her natural self. If she decides she wants to be more spontaneous she can sign up for improv courses or audition for The Groundlings.

She may decide to be a scientist or a cancer researcher (some of the most meticulous and least spontaneous folks you’ll ever encounter). Where would this world be without the less spontaneous people who have the patience necessary for the meticulous jobs that would drive most people up the wall :)

It takes all kinds to make a world.
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I was typing all of the above while you were posting your most recent comments.

Since she appears to be an adult rather than a child, I guess my advice stands. There are acting improv classes people can take. But from your description, it sounds to me as if she doesn’t want to change that badly.

That’s how I would interpret your comment about only wanting it a little.

I also wonder if that “little” is due mostly to pressure from you and the rest of the family.

If this is really making her unhappy in her life, then perhaps a short course of therapy may help.

But the motivation for any of this should be internal (coming from within her) rather than external (from you or the family) or there is little chance for much success.

SHE can change if SHE truly wants to. You cannot change her.

So “we” don’t like her the way she is, and “we” want to change her because “we” can’t accept her the way she is. “We” make her feel like she needs to change and perhaps makes her feel bad about being herself?

Sorry if this is an antagonistic response, but the question is asked in a totally wrong manner and rubs me the wrong way because I had relatives that wanted me to be something that I was not. Shy and bookish, nothing I ever did measured up to the artificial benchmarks the family set up. I could not enjoy playing tennis, because I was belittled for every missed shot. They called it “coaching and helping” I saw it as calling attention to my inadequacies. I was never given a voice in group activities. I didn’t want to go to the lake and go boating. I would get stuck cleaning – cleaning the cabin, cleaning the boat, cleaning fish, cleaning up after the rest of the family. That was not fun. Neither was being expected to get up on waterskis when I have terrible balance; what I wanted was a good book and a place to read, or to go to a museum.

The imperial “we” when it comes to changing someone else’s behavior is totally wrong. Imagine a question written with the following substitution: I want to teach my niece to be more like the rest of the family. We are all heterosexuals…she has never dated at all and we’re worried that she may be a lesbian. Is there any way to teach her to be more aggressive in attracting a man? She’s fit and attractive. We don’t want her to be gay.

If your niece is an adult, she should be asking this question, or seeing a therapist if it really bothers her. Have you stopped to consider that she might find you all intimidating, or what you find spontaneous she sees as agrressive?

I tried taking classes in spontaneity, but I never knew when they were being held until the last minute.

@BB

We were typing at the same time so I just read what you wrote.

Obviously this Q hit both of us the same way. I’m so glad that you recounted some of your personal experiences.

As an Elementary teacher I encountered many similar cases of parents trying to stuff a kid into a mold of theirs instead of honoring his natural personality traits. And when I tried to point this out to them, some of them actually listened.

But other kids were not so fortunate. I remember so vividly the first time I encountered a gay child. His father was asking my advice on how he could get his kid to want to play football cuz he didn’t want him to grow up to be a “Nancy boy” (his words exactly). As if that was the magic solution for a skinny bookish glasses wearing child who had compassion for everyone.

The father was an Army drill Seargeant originally from Jamaica where gay is one of the worst things to be.

I tried to point out to him that, physically speaking, the kid could be great at track, tennis, or maybe even baseball, but he’d get pulverized on a football field.

I also pointed out that with this kids other great qualities in terms of academic excellence and love for people, he’d make a wonderful Doctor, Teacher, Psychologist etc. His future was not likely to be in the sportsworld.

But he really didn’t want to hear that. He just wanted a way to turn the kid into a candidate for the NFL.

Like you, I also spent my entire childhood with my nose in a book in spite of my mothers occasional nagging to go out and play. But basically my parents were way to self involved to really spend much time trying to change me :) I’m rather glad for that.

Be provocative in a nice way.

She is not a possession to mold. She is a inique human being.

You can’t change her, she has to change herself. You all should just be happy with the way she is. like @BarnacleBill and @Buttonstc said, probably her wanting to change that “little” amount is all coming from you and the family wanting her to be more like the rest of you. So what if she doesn’t fit the description of how you want her to be? She’s her own person and she can change herself if she really wants to.

People only change if they want to change. If they feel like they are being pressured this can backfire and they will not change at all. Perhaps the problem is not specifically spontaneity, perhaps that is a symptom of low-assertiveness. I think there are classes for assertiveness training, if she is interested. If she has more confidence and is less passive then spontaneity should follow. A transformation like this is tough though, especially if she is an adult. I say this as a fellow passivist. If I were more spontaneous my life would be very different, I’m more calculating though. I let things marinate before I take any action, if at all. Though I can be spontaneous when it comes to certain things.

One of the real secrets to successful parenting is to discover who a child truly is and what their strong points are, and then to build on those, rather than trying to force-fit them into some prepared mold that someone else has chosen for them.

I would say by example.
Whether or not your student chooses to become more spontaneous is another story.
As @CaptainHarley stated, building on their strong points is better than tryng to force fit someone into your idea of what they should be. :)

I don’t believe you can teach spontaneity, as to teach you must rehearse and rehearsal destroys the very concept of spontaneity. I fervently agree with the other commenters regarding the detrimental impact of attempting to force an, admittedly healthy, child to conform to your familial norms. We should accept our children and embrace their differences. I could see the need to intervene if it was a matter of health and lacking physical spontaneity.

However, in the interest of the question, the best way to encourage spontaneity is to provide the child with novel environments and circumstances. This can potentially inspire their creativity and in extension their ability to be spontaneous.

I know what spontaneity is, but I feel like you are not using it the way I understand it.

When you say everyone in the family is spontaneous, could you give some examples of that? I mean, does someone suddenly pop up out of nowhere and say, “let’s go moon the neighbors?” Or, “let’s drop a horse off the roof onto a pile of watermelons and see what happens?” What do you do?

Are you really talking about creativity? Or improvisation? Are we talking about trouble making or problem solving? If she can’t solve a riddle, that’s one thing. If she can’t think of a practical joke, that’s quite another. If she doesn’t want to go along with the stupid ideas of the family, that’s yet another thing.

Maybe she is spontaneous, but it’s a different kind than everyone else has, so no one recognizes it. Or maybe she just doesn’t think that what everyone else does is any fun, but she wants to go along to get along.

It sounds like there’s a certain myth as to who your family is, and if someone does’t possess it, you want to make them conform.

It is a personality trait. If she is more reflective and calculating than the rest of the family, that is just the way she is. If she is the type who likes to plan her day and not get sidetracked, that is just her. Let her be herself.

Our aunt and uncle had three children, and two of them were fraternal twins. The parents and the two sons are constantly joking, while the daughter (one of the twins) was more serious and introspective. Years of living in an environment where she was teased jokingly and ribbed for ‘not having a sense of humor’ did a real number on her. For years, she pretty much cut herself off from her family and focused on her career as a military nurse. She more or less adopted our family as her own, and would sometimes attend our family vacations. It was a sad, sad situation.

Please listen to those that say that this is not the right way to go about it. If her family members truly care about her, they will accept the way that she is and learn to appreciate the value that this characteristic brings to the family as a whole.

There is a wonderful book called, How Full is Your Bucket? that talks about why it is important to focus on a person’s strengths rather than what may sometimes be construed by others as a weakness. I strongly urge you to pick up a copy. It changed my life.

No, you cannot teach spontaneity. You can however, help make a person more comfortable in their own skin through praise.

Your niece needs praise and support for what she does well…the rest of you need to be there for her. She prefers routine and stability. There is nothing abnormal/wrong about that.

My husband and my son need time to process change. My husband’s parents aren’t spontaneous…but his brothers are. Neither of them can understand why my husband and their parents won’t just “get up & go” with them. It’s not that they don’t want to have fun, they just need time to acclimate to the idea, before they do the action.

If she really wants to change, then a therapists can assist her. But, she’d have to be willing to put in some effort, and she’d need family support for the times that her routines need to be adhered to.

Thanks all for your interesting ways of viewing this.

We’ll see how it works out in the long run.

@Hibernate Thank you for the response. If you don’t mind my asking, what do you plan to do?

Erm i can’t change her but i’ll just help her with different situations. I’ll just put her in some situations to observe her.

Anyway it takes time [ as I already knew ] but oh well.