How do you know she's the one - and worth that most difficult of ultimatums... your freedom?

Personally, the person that’s worth my “freedom” is the person that’s not going to restrict my ‘freedom”. For me, anyone that would try to control me in a way that would restrict my freedom isn’t worth it.

My dad answered this question for me. He said, “when your toes and spine tingle at the same time, it’s time to give up your freedom and find a preacher”.

This happened to me just as he promised.

Ask her if she will love,honor and OBEY you….giggles ;)

If you still see it as giving up something rather than gaining something, you are probably not ready.

Again? Oh no…
@Seaofclouds nailed it.

You seem pretty unhappy about being on your own most of the time; what is so precious about your freedom?

if she’s “the one”, you really won’t care about YOUR freedom as you will feel freedom WITH her.

Not exactly sure what kind of freedom you are referring to. Do you mean the freedom to sleep with/date other women?

If she is the right woman for you, you would not really want to seek out the physical and emotional companionship of other women. You would just know. At least that is how it works for me. I rarely have nebulous feelings about people. I don’t always know how they feel about me, but I know where my feelings for them stand.

Some people don’t have that “monogamous” gene (not that I know if there is or isn’t one) and even if they really, really, really like someone and may even love them, they still have a strong desire to be in relationships (shallow or deep) with other people. So first, you should probably ask yourself if you are the kind of person that sees monogamy as a wonderful thing or if you see it as a horrific limitation.

If you see yourself as the non-monogamous type, you then need to find out if your girlfriend is OK with that (or might be the non-monogamous type herself) or not. If she’s not OK with it, and you need more than one woman, then I think we can safely say she is not the right one for you.

There are also degrees of being together. My best friend and her boyfriend have been together for 15 years. They live near by, but do not live with each other. For them, this seems to work. Neither one of them has been unfaithful (as far as I know) and there doesn’t seem to be any interest on either of their parts to be with anyone else except each other, but the boyfriend is a “big personality” and he needs to have more alone time than she does, but she’s OK with giving him that, by not living together. I think she would like to be married, but it’s not the be all end all of everything and she kind of goes along with the old adage, “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.” Plus they don’t have any or want any children (so that is one less burden to have to deal with).

You may have to get out the old pad and paper and make a pros and cons list, but then come up with some alternatives that might work for you (like being monogamous, but living apart). Just make sure that whatever you do is OK for your girlfriend’s happiness as well.

P.S. Does she love Star Trek? Or is she merely willing to tolerate it? Or does she despise it? The answer to that question will go along way to helping you decide whether she’s right for you!

The tone of your question seems very self-deprecating and almost flip. I wonder why you feel the need to use that tone. And I note also that you chose “social” rather than “general.”

I feel unable to to understand what you really are searching for, both in a woman and here for answers. I am sorry not to be able to help.

SSDD – Same shit, different day
It’s my kvetching question
and it’s basically a “relationship” question anyway – booooooring.
Yes, I’ve asked this before
I won’t be upset if no-one posts here

Freedom?! I still feel very free with my husband. Does freedom mean you can’t have sex with bunches of other women? Maybe for men it feels different, not talking about sex now, because they feel a burden, a burden to be the provider, or something I don’t understand.

If you love being with her it should feel like a welcomed addition to your life, not a big loss of freedom.

My husband is my best friend. I love spending time with him. Sure we have some stress at times, stress that I might not have if we were not married, but overall he is a huge positive in my life.

Maybe you have to think whay you ideally want in your life. If it involves having a wife, then you have to think what you want her to be, and seek out that woman. Be sure it is not that you have sort of become involved with someone, and are trying to decide if she is the right one.

If you are anything in person like you are on fluther, you are an incredibly smart, funny, caring (when you are not being mean lol) person. You deserve all the best.

Plus, what woman would not want to live on a starship? It’s like being a rockstar, you could probably have anyone you want.

What @JLeslie said. You were very good to me after my flunking episode. Don’t settle. You shouldn’t feel you’re giving up something, you should feel like you’re gaining something. Besides, she won’t want to be with you all the time.

@gailcalled True, observant and interesting. I chose to reply to you – not ignoring the others – but rather to answer your questions – so to speak – that I must ask myself really. The others here, those who know me a bit and those who simply responded – may simply read this – if they are so inclined.

Chyna, Lilly, Auggie, Leslie and maybe the Bubs and a few others have seen this type of question from me periodically – and have even talked to me about this relationship over the years. Yes, tis the same woman – eight years now – on and off and on and off.

Not that I think my personal relationship is anyone’s business – nor do I think for a moment I could understand the real private intricasies of someone elses’ – just as I don’t expect it of someone to understand mine – expecially as I give very, very little information. It was more a rant, a kvetch a sharing of my problem on the spour of the moment. Something I’d so in chat and almost expected it to be modded. I don’t think there is a perfect Social type question anymore – and I certainly don’t think this is meant for General. So I asked it here. No-one would come in and just start mouthing off anyway – so what’s the problem? My asking it here doesn’t make it more or less real and serious. Besides: one can flag here, too.

I don’t feel I have to explain myself, I don’t feel I have to be defensive. My self-deprecation is based part on truth part on humour – which is subjective of course.

I also attempt to write in such a way as to get an answer from someone – opening a window into how they think; for what is advice, really. I call it a wunday question. It’s personal: but it’s asked in such a way as to elicit an answer from vets who know me a bit; newbies who can identify with the theme.

Empathy, sympathy, pop-psychology and all that – it’s just fun – even when it’s a painful subject. Sometimes, it even hurts so good. Those who haven’t experienced loss and or divorce, may not understand.

I hope they don’t and wish them a long monogamous life.

Hey – it’s only fluther after all. I lurve everyone here – but you gotta take it with a grain of salt. No-one here has actually sat down with me and discussed the last eight years – and what the q is all about anyway?

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose…

Freedom for me is not about sex or monogamy – it’s about a lifestyle – and geography – which she insists I adapt to – claiming she cannot come to live with me. I wish she would – really!

I’m feeling a little too old for such a dramatic change. Bottom line.

Let’s say it would be like an Inuit moving to New York; an Aboriginal moving to Kiev.

But hey – if this is still interesting anyone – they may ask an open-ended question. It’s hard to reply to rhetoric and sarcasm. Not that you were.

:-)

Geography is one of the biggies in a relationship.

I couldn’t catch those last typos.

I need a new keyboard dammit.

Anyway: we had a great weekend and few days together and are on again and trying…

Fluther just told me, in the upper right hand corner, not to tell anyone – but that I am its favourite. Thanks Fluther – I needed that hug.

My relationship was great as long as he was away working and only home a few days a month! What a bitch I am!

If being with someone requires you to lose freedom, then either you’re not ready for the commitment, they’re not the one, or both.

@meiosis She says it’s been 8 years – and I better put a ring on it – and move in. What would you do?

@seazen_ If I seriously felt that moving in would significantly curtail my freedom, then I would have to call it quits. There is no point being with someone who cannot let you be who you are.

But I love her and she loves me and I love being with her and… well you get it. I’d like to grow old with her. It aint simple.

Sounds like you have your answer then. ^

In that case, you could do worse than sit down with her and discuss what your individual red lines are, and where you can compromise.

What does the move entail? New country? “Nother city? Different apartment? Are your kids out of the house now?

@seazen_ : Thanks for taking the time to write that long reply.

I do wish you and the lady the best of luck and hope you can discover a solution that is mutually satisfying.

@everephebe Then I wouldn’t be discussing it now – eh? ;-)

@janbb More in PM, please.

@gailcalled Merci.

@meiosis We have never brought it up in the last eight years – we just have wild bunny sex and never talk about anything.

“But I love her and she loves me and I love being with her and… well you get it. I’d like to grow old with her. It aint simple.”

What ain’t simple about that? You love her and love being with her and want to grow old with her. That sounds like you know what you want, doesn’t it? I understand that you want to avoid massive change and upheaval, but wouldn’t losing someone you love be just that?

If you’re doubts are serious enough to risk losing her then you have your answer.
PM me with the details if you want. Without them it’s hard to know what’s at stake.

@everephebe Thanks for the offer. Perhaps you’d like to fill out your profile a bit? There’s nothing there.

Dear lord @seazen_, you deleted your account again? Is it because you got to 4444? Talk about not filling out a profile enough, yours isn’t even on here anymore. :D

Oh, @seazen_ you promised not to!!!