Last night some told me they thought I should change to way I play my instrument. It took me a while to figure out they had not idea what they were talking about. They didn’t play my instrument and they were trained to run the workshop. Of course, during this time, I was pretty furious, and my neck was tight as if someone was strangling me. I was trying to get my head together so I could get into the music instead of obsessing on this guys comments.
The music was pretty weird during this time. This other guy, a drummer, kept on bursting out with these senseless bursts of loud quick drumming that kind of had little to do with what others were doing. He seemed to be trying to get things going, but his little tricks didn’t work.
A couple of times the leaders of the workshop asked me to play. I told them what had happened. The leaders told me to play while this other jerk said I should shutup. Still, it took me a while to get out of my messed up head space into a place where I could begin to play. This guy had destroyed my confidence even though he knew nothing.
Finally, I started trying to play a few notes. Up until that point, a lot of people had been having trouble with the music. When I started playing, it seemed to me that things started to coalesce, and we moved into new and more interesting musical spaces. Gradually my confidence came back, The other dude didn’t seem to play so much.
I tend to beat myself up for being bad. I know that judging myself really does me no good, but I can’t help it. I want to please so much and being told I don’t please just takes me right into a really bad head space. I really can’t do anything at such a time.
At least now I recognize what is happening. I knew that I could choose to be morose for the rest of the evening in a kind of passive-aggressive effort to make him feel guilty or something. Then I considered just telling him what I wanted after the workshop. Eventually, I decided that if we talked, I would tell him I didn’t want his unsolicited advice. Don’t do it again.
He came over after and asked if he had offended me, and I said yes. He wanted to defend himself, but I didn’t care. I just told him not to do it again. It looked like he was upset, but he said it was over. I think he maybe apologized.
I don’t usually defend myself like that. I try to understand the other person’s point of view and I tend to assume, believe it or not, that other people know better than I do. It takes a big effort to stick to my guns. It’s easier on fluther because I don’t have to see people, and I can always not respond. There’s plenty of other things to think about.
It’s harder to accept yourself when there is a very delicate balance between you and the others. If you assert yourself or act selfishly, you can easily destroy what you’re trying to build. You have to care what others think. If you don’t, you’re history.
I can accept myself when I believe I have some skill and sensitivity and I know that others respect or appreciate what I do. When someone doesn’t appreciate me, it really hurts and makes me doubt myself. In order to come back, I have to come to peace with the criticism in some way. I to feel worthy of being a member of the group. In this case, I realized that the guy didn’t know what he was talking about, plus I had invitations from other people in the group that went totally against his “advice.”
It’s very difficult, because most situations where we need to accept ourselves are not clearcut about whether we are contributing or destroying a group we care about. It is hard to get information because people may not be willing to provide information because they don’t want to hurt you. They know that being hurt can be disastrous for musicians. So you have to read each other’s minds. It’s hard, but if the only way you can communicate is through music, which isn’t like words, you have to be able to intuit what others think. Not easy.
Composing members:
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Composing members:
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