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La_chica_gomela's avatar

How do you forgive yourself after a break-up?

Asked by La_chica_gomela (12493 points ) May 18th, 2011

When you leave someone you once loved, someone who still loved you, how do you forgive yourself?

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14 Answers

Seelix's avatar

You have to keep in mind that for one reason or another, the relationship wasn’t working, and that ending it was the better option for the good of everyone involved. It hurts now, but it’ll get better, and eventually you’ll realize that it was the right choice.

Blackberry's avatar

It’s a part of life and you just need time to help you move on.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

I have struggled with this very issue for quite awhile. I was in a serious relationship with a guy for years. We eventually got married. He was a wonderful man. He was caring, compassionate, had a great job, had his whole life on track, and loved me to death. For one reason or another the relationship quickly fell apart. I wasn’t in love. I felt so guilty for not being able to love a man who had so many great qualities. So for a long time I stayed with him just because I thought eventually I would wake up one day and be in love. Didn’t happen. I decided to divorce him. It was the hardest decision of my life. It’s hard to justify leaving someone that hasn’t done anything to ever hurt me. But in the end, it was the right choice for me. I still struggle with the guilt sometimes and my family has yet to fully understand my reasoning. You just have to remind yourself that you know what’s best for your life. Nobody else.

Cruiser's avatar

Nothing to forgive really…you did what you did while it was the thing to do! What is so wrong about that? Can’t cry over spilled milk…just move on!

Ajulutsikael's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I know what you mean. It’s so much worse when there are kids involved as well; as it was in my case.

augustlan's avatar

Time, mostly. I mean, I still feel bad that my marriage of 17 years ended in divorce, and there is always going to be some guilt associated with that, or regret (for both of us, I’m sure). But it’s no longer a ‘weeping in the middle of the night’ feeling. Both of us have moved well beyond that stage, and are happy in our new lives. Eventually, you will find yourself in that place, too.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I tell myself the love was real and my intentions were good. I tell myself I tried enough and gave enough and that it’s okay to want more in return then I got. Each time I left a lover, I still loved them but felt they weren’t enough for me. In 20+ years of living with people and being married once before, I have no regrets as far as feeling in retrospect I should have stayed. Time helps.

stardust's avatar

I was just thinking about this earlier today..in a manner of speaking. I told myself that everything in my life is as it should be. I can’t help but wonder how different things could’ve been though. One thing I am grateful for is that Í‘ve since grown and I’m grateful to him for being a part of the puzzle.

SuperMouse's avatar

When I left my husband of 21 years this feeling haunted me for a long time. For me what really helped was the realization that being married to me was keeping him from being able to find someone who is capable of loving him the way he (the way everyone) deserves to be loved. It was and still is hard on him, but the reality is that he is not my true love, and I am not his. My greatest hope and prayer for him is that he finds a woman who can love him the way he should be loved. The fact that for the last year and a half he has carried out a massive campaign to make as much trouble for me as he possibly can has made it quite a bit easier as well

Dutchess_III's avatar

Like @SuperMouse it might have been much harder, and I might have felt more guilty except for the fact that he turned into the WORST jerk afterward, alternating between groveling to get me back, blackmailing me, threatening me, using the kids…I was too busy trying to keep myself sane and the kids healthy through his insanity to have any guilt feelings.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I felt better after truly realizing that the hurt he felt when I said that the relationship was over would be offset by him being with a woman who really wanted to be with him and who’d love him exactly as he was.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

Hmm….well I don’t know how I did…but technically it wasn’t on me, it was on her since she’s the one who cheated on me…But over alll I just keep going on…And sooner or later that forgiveness you’ve seek will return to you and you will be able to jump back on your feet. “Just give time, it may be your worst enemy but it can be the only remedy.”-Vincent Lloyd (me) and yes I just made that up.

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envidula61's avatar

I think women have a great desire to break up with someone without hurting them. So they feel more guilty at hurting someone, but it doesn’t stop them from doing it.

Men, I think, don’t have so many compunctions. They want to break up, so they do. It’s over. Gone.

I think it’s an issue of knowing you did what you needed to do for yourself. If you are clear that it is more important to separate from this person than it is to try to make them not feel bad, then it is absolutely necessary. If it’s necessary, then there was no avoiding creating the pain.

Then you have reason to forgive yourself. But you have to be clear that this is absolutely the right thing for you to do.

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