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Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

I'm growing more distance with my mom and despising her more, I need help, how can I cure this...?

Asked by Vincent_Lloyd (2958 points ) May 18th, 2011

Lately I’ve been really irritated with my mom. Since she’s a flight attendant she comes in and out of the state and house…But when ever she comes back she just yells at me now-a-days. I love my mom…But Jesus… Never knew it would ever come down to this…She’s hard headed, she thinks everything she says it right and will work, she oblivious to most things, won’t let go of this guy named Mike (lives in Philadelphia) and just a lot of stuff that she clearly can’t see. We all have issues I know that and I don’t blame her… But lately it’s been to hard for me to handle…And another thing to mention same issues goes with my sister, sort of just with out the personalities and issues I explained on my mom…They all can’t accept the fact that I have someone and they really don’t except the eldest (she has one, but her mind is F-ed up and she has major issues too….But…what can we do?) But they all take it out on me…They’re basically setting up obstacles for me to just see my girlfriend. And it’s funny since yesterday I left and left a note for my sister to read that I went to her house since she fell almost unconscious 2 days ago (5/17/11) and apparently they won’t allow me to see her then…Just I need some help on this….So can you all…Please help me on this major issue? This will affect me greatly in the future I know that, that’s why I want to cure it now and not let it sit. Please…

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9 Answers

Hibernate's avatar

She has a rough time.
You need to “buy” me patience and understand her.

It’s not gonna be easy.

Forgive them no matter what they did and this way you won’t allow the sorrow to overcome your brain for the future.

I’ll pray for you.

augustlan's avatar

Can you suggest you all see a family counselor? They can really help a family work out its differences.

Judi's avatar

How old are you?

augustlan's avatar

@Judi I think he’s 13 or 14.

Kayak8's avatar

While it is possible that your family is in cahoots against you, the common denominator in this equation is you. I completely agree with the counseling suggestion. If the whole family can’t go, it might be a good idea for you to go. In your Fluther questions, over time, you have brought up enough issues that you going to counseling for yourself might be very wise.

Pandora's avatar

What @augustlan suggested is a great idea but if you can’t get your family to agree to family counseling than you can try several things.
1. Look at your situation in a totally objective way.
2. Write down what you want to say to your mom. Then look it over and rewrite any part that may look too harsh if someone read it to you. When looking it over you must look at it from the recievers point of view because you want them to respond to your letter, not react from a place of hurt.
3. Tell her first in the letter that you want her to know that you love her a great deal and will always love her but you feel your relationship is being strained and you know it takes two to ruin a relationship and you want the both of you to work on bringing the relationship back to what it once was.
4. Realize it takes two to ruin a relationship. You may not be aware but your reactions, I’m sure have caused some of the strain. This is normal at your age. Your not always going to be cool calm and collected as your hormones rage and your mom has no picnic being a single mom. She has to work hard at being a mom, dad and provider and somehow manage to get a little me time to herself.
5. Realize also that she may think you are too young to date. It probably isn’t motivated from jealousy. Especially if, as you say, mom and other siblings have a hard time finding valuable people to be with. Many times people have a hard time realizing what makes a good partner for themselves but they can see the flaws in other relationships. Honestly, at your age you should be concentrating on school instead but its not out of the norm.
6. Ask your family what is it that they object too about your girlfriend and look at it objectively. Everyone has flaws. If there are minor objections than more than likely they just think you are too young to be tied down to one girl. If they are major objections than you may really want to rethink if she is the one for you. It could be something as simple as she just makes them feel uncomfortable.
Many times young people may exaggerate the home situation in a moment of rage or hurt and maybe she can’t help but reveal that she dislikes them because she loves you and feels your pain. If that is the case you may want to tell her about why you do love your family. You may be setting her up to fail with your family.
Long story short. Look at your whole family like your seeing them for the first time, yourself included. See what are the good things and the bad things each of you are doing and work on fixing them one by one. This is not an overnight solution but it didn’t take you overnight to get there. But most of all realize the things you can change and those that you cannot. Mostly realize you can only change you but you can effect how others react to you. But you have to start by changing yourself and speaking up and letting others know what you hope will change to make all your lives better.

marinelife's avatar

Figure out when your Mom is in the best mood. Sit her down and say (not angrily): “Mom, you and I have not been getting along lately. I want us to interact in a more positive way. So what can I do to lower the tension?”

Then really listen to what she says.

Then tell her, (just with this structure but use your own words): “Mom, when you yell at me it makes me feel ___________” Say it just like that. Do not say I feel blank when you yell at me.” or “Don’t yell at me.” Say it with the structure I mentioned and then wait for her response.

See if this talk doesn’t clear the air. Try and concede some complaints that she has. If you both try, you can improve things.

Don’t say things like “You never let me see my girlfriend.” or “All you do is yell at me.” Use I statements and tell her how her behavior makes you feel. Also, do that after asking her what you can do to improve the atmosphere.

john65pennington's avatar

Here its whats going on in your life…............

Your mother is gone most of the time and she has put you as the guardian of the home front, your house and family.

Your mother is expecting more out of you, than she should. You are probably going through puberty yourself and that just really screws everything in your life.

I have been there, done that.

Under the conditions your have described, I would not place juveniles to answer to juveniles. It just does not work and you know it.

The answer here, lies within your mother. I realize that she has to work to provide for you guys, but she is also shirking her duties as your mother, in the guidance department.

You will always love your mother, no matter. And, she will always love you. Talk to your mother and tell her how you feel and the situation she has placed you in.

Tell her that you are not ready to be a father.

WasCy's avatar

May I suggest, first of all, that you choose your words carefully. It’s one thing to be “annoyed” (or to use your word, “irritated”) with your mother; we all go through that from time to time in greater or lesser amounts and for long or short periods and for all kinds of reasons. When you say that you “despise” someone, that’s serious dislike to hate. If you start thinking (and saying) that you actually “despise” your mother, then people will assume that you know what the word means, speak to you about her in that way – and you’ll get to that point eventually, if you aren’t already there. And I don’t think that you’re “there”. You’re annoyed with your mother; that’s clear.

Next, and I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but… your writing reflects your thinking. And I see a lot of disorder, incomplete thoughts (expressed in incomplete sentences), muddled thinking (non sequiturs) and misplaced cause-and-effect, as well as red herrings (what does Mike in Philadelphia have to do with the price of fish?). I’m not saying this to be “the grammar Nazi”; you need to order your thoughts. Calm down. Express your dissatisfaction in complete sentences. Use facts to support your thoughts. Does your mom really “yell at you all the time”? I hardly think so, unless she has a severe mental impairment. And if you think that she does that “all the time”, then maybe you have the mental problem.

So… what sets her off? Surely you know what causes her to be annoyed with you and raise her voice at you. I doubt very much it’s just “because you have a girlfriend”. But if your thoughts of your girlfriend put off all thoughts of household chores and responsibilities, cause you to neglect your homework, fail to relay messages, etc., then she has a right – a duty, even – to try to correct you and get you to focus: First things first. (That was just a ‘for instance’; obviously I don’t know your situation.)

So along with some of the other very good advice above, especially from @marinelife about how to talk calmly and rationally with her, here’s my advice:
1. Choose words carefully when speaking with her and about her. Speak slowly and deliberately and don’t say anything that you don’t mean. (And don’t BE mean.)

2. Order your thoughts. Express them in complete sentences – you won’t believe how much better your thinking gets as your writing improves.

3. Address your mom’s concerns. She is your mother, and she has a responsibility to raise you properly. One of her major concerns, I’m sure, is that she’s not with you as much as she would like to be. Sometimes that concern is expressed in frustration and apparent anger.

4. Be patient. This is probably the most difficult of all, since you feel, I’m sure, that “life is passing me by”. But you have a very long life ahead of you; there’s a lot of life to come, and you don’t need to try to experience it all right now. Your girlfriend can wait if she really has strong and true feelings for you, and if she doesn’t, then there’s no sense in knocking yourself out for her.

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