What is the responsible response?

Why don’t you offer to update him by phone – let him set the rules.

It’s a tough one, because it’s your parent’s house… their house, their rules. That said, what I would do (and would want my own kids to do with me) is sit them down for an adult conversation. Be calm, respectful, and nice… but firm. Tell them you know they worry about you, and that you appreciate that it’s hard to see their child as an adult. Explain to them that you are one, though, and would really appreciate being treated like one. Say that you’re not asking them to throw out all their rules, but to adjust them to the current situation. Reiterate what you’ve said here, that you’ve looked after yourself quite well, and are a responsible person. Ask for a more reasonable arrangement, and tell them you’ll keep them informed about any changes in plan.

Oh, and welcome to Fluther!

I’ve always kept my father updated on my whereabouts through text message whenever I move from one location to the next

A parent will forever want to know where/what his kid is doing.
When you are not home he wants the best for you [ not to mention a lot of sh*ty things happen nowdays ]

You cannot change him but on another hand he’s not yet confortable to accept the fact that you are a grown woman. Even if you do not party up crazy like others there’s nothing you can do to show him you are a responsable kid.

Think a bit of his frustrations and try to understand him a bit. [ not to mention that when you will have your own kids you’ll do the same ^^ ] The distance between generation is saying it’s thing. He grew up with some idea and he’ll do what he knows.

Anyway GOOD LUCK. And a happy and blessed vacation ^^

Have you reminded your parents that you are legally an adult, and have shown you know how to handle yourself?

I would sit down with your father, and write down a list of rules with him that you can both agree on, and/or a list of actions each of you will take. (for example, I (your name) will call or text my location to my father if I am out after 10. I (Dad) will do my best to accept the fact that my daughter is an independent adult who is capable of making her own decisions, and I will act accordingly.) Then sign the agreement together.

Do not mention that you stay out until all hours of the night at college.

Wait until neither of you are angry and sit down with your father. Gently suggest that you think it is time to push back the curfew.

I suggest midnight as a good compromise between 10 P.M. and 1:30 A.M.

Good luck.

Mentioning that you stay out late while at college is counter-productive.
His house, his rules. Just let him know that come next year, you may summer somewhere else.

I had this argument with my daughter the first year of college. During the week, I expected them to be home at a reasonable hour – 11 pm – because I had to get up the next morning, and the anticipation of them coming in kept me up, waiting for the door to open. I needed my sleep, and the only way I was going to get it was to have them home at a reasonable hour. On the weekends, we reached a compromise where they would either tell me what time they were going to be home, or if they were going to stay out later, they spent the night with a friend.

Think about a solution in terms of what would be least disruptive to his sleep, rather than “stop treating me like a child.”

If you have younger siblings, the curfew still matters, because you are setting a precedent.

You will not be able to stop your father from worrying about you while you are on his watch. If something were to happen to you while you were out by yourself, you would be happy knowing that your dad was expecting you to be home, and start looking for you. I know that may seem far-fetched, but stuff does happen, and no one is an exception to the possibility. Cars break down, run off the road, creepy things happen.

While you are technically an adult, you are living in your parents’ house for the summer. This puts you in a weird place of being quasi-adult, quasi-child. Your father is used to seeing you as a child, and may be in active denial about you growing up and doing adult things (including things you don’t do, like drink and party). He might be imagining the worst, and hoping that he can keep you “good” for as long as possible. All kinds of things can happen at midnight on a Friday – he doesn’t want to imagine you doing any of them. Eventually, he will have to accept that you are growing up.

At the same time, while being a legal adult, you are not yet a full adult as accepted by society. You are still in college, which (especially if your family is paying for all or part of it) is an extension of childhood, a grey area. You have chosen to live under his roof for the summer, something adults generally do not do except under duress (unemployment, college, no money). Because you are in this grey area, you don’t yet have full adult rights – or responsibilities. You still have to accept the parameters set out for you right now.

The way I see it, you have a choice, since you’re sort of in between two worlds. You can step into one, or the other. If you choose to seek out the comforts of home, a father who would very likely come and get you if you called at midnight needing help, a (free?) place to stay and (free?) food and utilities and probably some cash over and above whatever your scholarship covers, these are bonuses (even though they don’t seem like it now) that come with the responsibility of obeying your father’s rules. If, over time, you decide to forgo these comforts, and instead provide for your own self, living in an apartment or house that you pay for with your own money (maybe sharing with roommates to make the finances easier), pay for your own food and utilities and any spending cash that your scholarship doesn’t cover, to take responsibility for your own actions (like not counting on your family for emergencies, either being mature and ‘adult’ enough to cover them on your own or develop a network of other responsible adults to lean on if need be), then you will have taken upon yourself the responsibilities of adulthood and with that come the rights of being an adult, such as coming home whenever you darn well please. ;)

Setting adulthood at 18 (or 19, or 21) is an arbitrary number. What really confers adulthood is the acceptance of adult responsibility. That may not be an option for you yet, in which case, well, it sounds like your curfew is 10pm if he won’t negotiate. (It is, however, his responsibility, if he’s going to be a good father, to let you grow into an adult role at the pace he thinks you can handle it. This is no guarantee that he will, just that he should.) It looks like the choice is up to you, now.

It is worth remembering that no matter how good adulthood looks, and how much you want a curfew of your own choosing, once you leave that childhood status, you can never really go back. In years to come, you may well actually miss being able to crash at home, nom from the parents’ refrigerator, and have someone worried about you all the time. The outside world is sometimes cold and bereft of comforts, and the joy of setting your own curfew will pale with time, especially if there isn’t anyone waiting for you to get home anyway. Choose wisely. :)

Believe it or not, there is at least one other girl college student, that had, the identical curfew situation. She is 21 now, but is living with her boyfriend, until she receives her degree.

This is really a tough call. Your dad still controls his house and although you are their daughter, its his house, his rules. I will admit this, to me, is too restrictive for your age. But, that’s life you only have a short while to endure it.

Maybe, one day when you have a child, you will understand some of the rules that parents give out to their children. Most rules are for your protection.

Just one thing. Whatever you do, don’t whine. That makes you seem 12 again. Be persistent, upbeat, respectful. If you have a summer job or do projects around the house (not just daily housework) you will look more like an adult.

But no whining.No acting out. No namecalling. Okay, three things

Maybe ask him why. Does he worry and stay up waiting, so then it is a real burden on him to have you out late? Or, does he just feel it is the rules of his house, and you are his child, and his children will be in early. Once you know why you might be able to reassure him or work a compromise. It might not be that you are his child, it might be a general rule for him period. Like he would not stay out that late, so he just cannot relate to needing to be out so late.

If he is going to stick to his guns, then I say you have to live by his rule in his house. Can you live with some friends instead?

This is a very common problem with kids who go home after Freshman year. They are still your parents and you are in their home and you’ll have to follow their rules. It’s unfortunate that they haven’t grown as much as you have in the past nine months. Parents are slower. Keep pushing respectfully for more freedom while at home. They’ll start to loosen up a bit. Good luck. Note: I was the same way with my daughter.

Its so frustrating when ones parents are trying to tie the leech to ones neck espercially when one is almost crossing the 20 mark. But honestly your Dad really loves you and maybe he’s been over-protective. A little obedience will do you a lot of good and when he is in his good mood, why not talk it over with him? But its good one respects the decision of parents especially when such decisions are meant for our good.

@grelohi I hope you meant leash, not leech.
Almost lost my breakfast on that.