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Spidermanrulezzz's avatar

Is this a good ballad?

Asked by Spidermanrulezzz (184 points ) May 23rd, 2011

We are writing ballads in English class and I have to read mine to the class tomorrow. I am super nervous so I am just wondering, does this sound like a good ballad to you?

There was a girl who hated the world
For the only boy she ever loved had left her all alone
She needed him in that moment, more than ever before
Without him she was nothing but a shell for an empty soul

The boy never knew how much she loved him
For she had never truly let her feeling show
He was sick of having a broken heart, so he let his lover go
Without her, he was nothing but a shell for an empty soul

Now one day they were both weary and broken
Dying without each other, fighting through each day
They both made a choice that would shake the world of those around them
A way to escape from forever being a shell for an empty soul

She sat down and wrote a letter
Saying goodbye to her friends and family
She told them she loved them, and please don’t forget her
And “Without him I was nothing but a shell for an empty soul”

The boy was in too much pain to ever write a note
But if he had I can tell you what he probably would have wrote
“Goodbye, I’m sorry it had to end this way. I just couldn’t fill this hole
Without her I was nothing but a shell for an empty soul”

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6 Answers

Kardamom's avatar

I LOVE it. I would make a few minor edits though.

In this line He was sick of having a broken heart I would change it to “He was sick, with a broken heart.” Or you could say “He was heart sick.” The term “he was sick of having a broken heart” sounds too much like every day speech and means something more like he was “disgusted” I don’t think your fellow is disgusted, he’s heart broken.

Then in this line Dying without each other, fighting through each day I would change the second part to “fighting to get through each day” otherwise is sounds like the couple is fighting with each other every day.

This line She told them she loved them, and please don’t forget her should probably have the second part revised to “and to please not forget her” to keep it in the same tense.

But if he had I can tell you what he probably would have wrote sounds really good because of the rhyme, but I think that “wrote” is the wrong tense, it would be “written” so to get the rhyme to work I think you could say, But in his heart, this is what he wrote”

I really love this ballad, but I would hate for your teacher to get all caught up in the tenses. See what you think, with these minor tense changes. : )

Spidermanrulezzz's avatar

@Kardamom Thank you so much for the help and the compliment! I really appreciate it!

Kardamom's avatar

@Spidermanrulezzz You are so welcome. I hope the presentation goes great!

mazingerz88's avatar

Just a suggestion nothing more, what if instead of…

Now one day they were both weary and broken
Dying without each other, fighting through each day
They both made a choice that would shake the world of those around them
A way to escape from forever being a shell for an empty soul

It’s…

Now one day they were weary and broken
Dying without the other, fighting through each day
They both made a choice, shake the world of those around them
A way to escape forever, being a shell for an empty soul

bkcunningham's avatar

@Spidermanrulezzz very nice. I love what you wrote. You shouldn’t be nervous. What a sad love story. Excellent ballad. I think @Kardamom‘s and @mazinger88’s suggestions are really good too.

lemming's avatar

It’s excellent, good job :)

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