Women: Would you rather your SO propose to you with a ring he'd picked out, or take you shopping after proposing ringless?

Shopping.

I think a proposals trend should start up where a thin band is presented and then the couple go and shop a more personalized ring.

He asked me to go with him to pick a ring.It is beautiful,but I hardly ever wear it.
If I had to do that over again,I would have had him get me what ever he thought I’d like.
I think it is much sweeter that way.:)

@lucillelucillelucille Do you not wear it because he didn’t pick it out?

I don’t want an engagement ring, just wedding bands for each of us.

@MyNewtBoobs -No.I rarely wear it because it gets in the way when I am throwing clay.:)

@lucillelucillelucille Ok. I figured as much, I was just making sure the two weren’t connected.

I appreciated the proposal first and then the suggestion to ‘let’s go find you a ring you’ll love’. I/we did and I still love it. This will be our 10th year, and I have been offered an upgrade.

We never had the money, so I didn’t get an engagement ring. I agree with @Haleth. The wedding ring is more important. My husband and I are planning on getting new bands for our 20th anniversary next April. Our original wedding bands were the cheapest we could find. We hope to find something that represents our tastes a bit better after 20 years of togetherness.

Oh, this is an easy one….shopping! I remember asking/answering this in the past for someone on here.

The woman is the one who will have to wear the dang thing. I remember being proposed to once by someone and he gave me a ring that was so awful, I had to run to the bathroom and cry. Finally, when he sensed that something was amiss, I confessed. (Yes, the Darling Rhad has been proposed to a few times…but alas, to the disappointment of many a suitor, not every proposal was accepted.lol I am channelling my inner Anne of Green Gables.) I didn’t marry man-of-frightening-ring, but rest assured when I said, “Goodbye” and sent him on his merry way, he knew to take the next girl on a shopping trip to pick out her own ring.

How to propose to a woman:
1. Take her to a really romantic place.
2. Give her a box that is empty with an inexpensive estate ring or a simple band or even a cigar band.
3. Ask her to marry you, and tell her that you want to pick out the ring together.

(If you are on a budget, guide her to a jewelry shop…where you have spoken to the manager beforehand and tell him/her your situation. When your fiancee goes in with you, a skilled manager at most good shops will do his best to steer her toward an affordable ring…and this will lead to less awkward situation.)

I prefer an antique piece of jewelry…so that is also an option and often less expensive.

I preferred that he pick out the ring, despite his protests and knowing that he typically chooses the closest item to the door. The man did well. He bought something unique for an engagement ring and said that the eternity ring represented what we had…a relationship that was meant to be forever. He did well.

@Pied_Pfeffer What if you had not liked the ring, would you have told him so you could exchange it? We had a fluther question on that a while back. A young woman had lived with her ring for a few weeks and still wanted a different one, but she had said she, “loved it.” the day of the proposal. She really was not happy with what he picked.

@JLeslie I don’t think so. I was the one who asked him to pick out the ring on his own, knowing the potential consequences. If the choice meant that much to me, as it did with my niece who owns a diamond clarity eye contraption, then I would have agreed to his request to go together to pick one out. The story behind his choice means more to me than the ring.

@Pied_Pfeffer I see, so there is a whole back story, but he actually did give you the choice.

I had the same preference as Haleth. I wanted the wedding band to stand alone and without competition, so there was never an engagement ring.

We shopped together for wedding rings and picked out what we each loved and gave them to each other; they don’t even match. Wear over 33 years has changed them, but they are still beautiful.

So for the women who wanted the man to pick it out: Are these men who normally guess what you want correctly, and show you that on birthdays/holidays? Are these men who don’t come home with dog butlers and claim they’re the greatest thing? What would have happened if he had picked out something that had quality, but was hideous?

When I made the biggest mistake of my life accepted a proposal, it came with a ring I had no voice in choosing. It was gaudy, pretentious, too large for my hand and caught on everything. It was chosen with absolutely no consideration of my tastes and he wouldn’t hear of exchanging it. In retrospect, that should have been an early warning sign but c’est la vie.
If I ever marry again (not bloody likely) I would skip the diamond and choose unique bands together. A jewel does not a partnership make.

@MyNewtBoobs The best present my husband ever gave me was a ring with birthstones of each of our children. I wear that in place of a wedding band at the moment. If he had chosen a ring for me as an engagement ring (if we had the money for that nonsense) I would have worn it with pride. He loves me and I’ll accept anything he gives me with happiness, because I know he bought it with the best of intentions.

@jonsblond Awww. That’s kinda sweet, with the birthstones.

I would want (and got) some input. We went around, looked at rings. I pointed out and tried on rings I really liked and then he bought something very similar but in his price range. I was thrilled with the ring he bought me and he got to decide how much he spent. I have heard of so many women who were given rings they really didn’t like and that is such a pity. Sure it’s the thought that counts, but if a guy is going to spend money on an engagement ring, I imagine he wants to be fairly sure it suits his lady’s taste (and his pocket limit!!).

@Bellatrix It’s the thought that counts right then. But I feel like in 30 years, you’ll be sick of the thought and wanting to wear something that you don’t think is ugly and clashes with everything and just isn’t you. But, maybe this is just me – I’m not exactly known for being traditionally romantic on any level.

No I agree with you. That’s why I said “sure it’s the thought that count BUT if a guy is going to spend money on an engagement ring…etc”. I don’t know that it would take me 30 years to be sick and tired of something I really don’t like when he handed it to me but I felt I couldn’t say… uurm I don’t like that ring….” without being a right bitch.

My husband is a wonderful man, but truthfully, his taste in jewellery (and many other things) is not mine. I (and I think most people are the same) have my own sense of style. I love my engagement ring because I pretty much chose the style. He just got a slightly smaller stone than was in the one we saw together. The one I saw was $27,000 and there was no way I wanted him to spend that much on a ring!! I would have been terrified to wear it! I am very happy with what I have. We then had wedding rings specifically designed that work with my engagement ring.

I agree totally with you @MyNewtBoobs. Is this a hypothetical or should I pull out my flower girl outfit???? I have a demented internet connection. I am in a hotel and I want to fluther and the connection keeps dropping out.

@Bellatrix No, it was inspired by another question – some suggested what to look for in buying a ring for the OP’s lady, other suggested he just take her shopping. I was wondering how many women would rather pick it out themselves. There’s definitely nothing going on like that on my end, as evidenced by my lack of a sex life.

:-( Damn… I will put the dress away again then. Can’t help much with the lack of sex…

And we are a mixed bag indeed. Some want to choose, others want to be surprised and some don’t want a ring at all.

It would mean more if he picked it out, I imagine.

@Lothloriengaladriel Why? What, specifically, about him picking it out makes it mean more? Because I don’t understand this, but I want to.

I guess because you actually took the time to go which is sweet alone because most men hate shopping and taking the time to pick out a specific ring you know you will be proposing with there for imagining the proposal before it even happens, it’s just romantic, I think If she’s not big on materialistic things shed much rather have you pick it out yourself, I believe it would mean more. Sorry if this answer didn’t help, I’m trying my best to explain.

@Lothloriengaladriel No, it helps. I mean, I think it’s not just materialism that causes some women to want to pick it out (and it’s a rare person who has no aesthetic preferences whatsoever), but that by shopping for it together, you’re moving away from the traditional view that a man buys a woman a ring as a down payment and it’s financial protection for her should things go south, and into a more equal, partnered relationship. But since I don’t think that every woman who wants her guy to buy it for her is also really into traditional marriage, I want to understand the other reasons behind the other side of things.

Don’t want anything, just love respect and understanding!!!!! Even a tin ring would do me fine!

I wonder, the women who wanted to be surprised and have him pick the ring, did you want a say or care about how much money was spent on it? Too much and it affects your financial situation starting your marriage, assuming you are a typical young couple in America. And, do you perceive it as him using his money to buy it for you?

@MyNewtBoobs I think some of it is just tradition and romantic, and does not have to be tied to the historical idea that men buy their wives.i had rold my husband I did not care aout having an engagement ring right away (remember he proposed without it) but he wanted at least the fake one for now. I think if he had had his way, he would have bought a diamond ring on credit, but after dating me long enough, he knew I would never want that. Anyway, it seems it matters to him to do what is expected, I see this in many aspects of his life, usually it is very sweet or very responsible what he wants to do, what he perceives as expected. He also tends to be very romantic and very sentimental, and I tend to be more realistic.

I’d prefer to shop for it first so that he’d have it when he proposes. That’s what we did two years ago, although we didn’t go through with it thank God.

@MyNewtBoobs So for the women who wanted the man to pick it out: Are these men who normally guess what you want correctly, and show you that on birthdays/holidays? Are these men who don’t come home with dog butlers and claim they’re the greatest thing?

LOL! I wouldn’t be surprised if the SO purchased a dog butler, especially if there was more than one to collect. Despite that, he is an excellent present selector. We both go for the (usually) cheap and practical gifts. Only once has he given me a present based upon something that I wanted. The rest have been purely his choice, and they were well-chosen.

What would have happened if he had picked out something that had quality, but was hideous? It was a risk I was willing to take. He is a bit eccentric, and I don’t always agree with his choice of purchases. If the ring had been hideous in my opinion, I’d wear it just as proudly. It is about the symbol it represents and not the appearance.

Sometimes, the selection grows on its owner. My sister’s husband selected the set of rings without her input. They were very, er, unique. Both the engagement and wedding rings are bands of white, yellow and rose gold. The band foundation is white gold, the edges are in yellow gold, and they have roses in subtle relief done in rose gold all around the top. She was taken aback by the choice at first, but soon loved the choice. She also likes the fact that she hasn’t seen anything else like it in the 25 years they have been married.

If you shop ahead it seems like the proposal loses its surprise. I am sure many people just decide as a couple to get married, and it is not as formal as the man asking the woman, but I think a lot of men and women like the surprise, anticipation, and formality of it all.

I want him to choose a ring for me. I know he has good taste – the promise ring he gave me a million years ago is a small solitaire set in white gold, and it’s beautiful. He knows what kind of things I like. And he knows enough to ask my best friend if he’s unsure.

We’ve been together for 10 years, and we’ve been living together for 7. We’re common-law spouses (we had to declare our common-law status in order to live in this residence) and I refer to him on Fluther as Mr. Fiance. I know that we’re going to be together all our lives. I know that we’ll be married someday. But I still want that surprise when he actually does propose.

Personally, and I mean no offense to anyone who’s answered or will answer this way, I think that a woman who insists on choosing her own ring is a little too materialistic. Let him choose something for you. What the ring means is more important than what it looks like or how much it costs.

@JLeslie The element of surprise can still be there. The both of you choose the ring, but the woman still may not know when, where, or how the man will propose.

@Seelix Maybe it will make him happy to know she loves it and picked it. I took my husband to try on wedding dresses at one point, because when I showed him some in magazines he never liked the dresses I liked. I wanted to be sure he loved it too, that he found me beautiful in the dress. Even if it seems superficial, it was not about superficiality, it was about pleasing him, pleasing both of us. He did not see the exact dress I wound up buying, but the style was similar.

I want a surprise proposal with the right kind of ring, which I mentioned. Moldavite in white gold. Because I’m out of this world…. ha

@Facade Or if they will propose. I don’t know of any cases, but there must be a few out there where a ring was purchased and the proposal never came about.

@JLeslie – That may be right for some couples, but not for us. Because he chose my promise ring without any help, and it totally suits me, I know he’ll choose something great.

@JLeslie I wonder, the women who wanted to be surprised and have him pick the ring, did you want a say or care about how much money was spent on it? Too much and it affects your financial situation starting your marriage, assuming you are a typical young couple in America.

We are both frugal when it comes to spending money on most things. Since we both considered an engagement ring to fall under a non-necessity and isn’t an investment of an object that could be sold later at a greater value than the price paid, I trusted his judgement on how much was spent meaning…not go overboard.

And, do you perceive it as him using his money to buy it for you? Do you mean “Was it important to me that he spend his own money on the ring?”, or something else? If the former is the case, then no. I would have been just as willing to pay for it out of the funds under my name. I only wanted him to pick out the ring without my influence.

If he’s going to propose I want him to know me well enough to be able to pick something himself that he knows I will like.

@Leanne1986 I don’t think it necessarily means a man doesn’t know their woman well if he cannot pick out a ring she would like. In my case, I’m just way too particular for him to know without my help.

@Facade I’m really only talking about my situation here. I’m not particular at all and I know that my man would know what to get me without me being there. I am always really touched when my boyfriend surprises me with something that he knows I will love so, I think, it would be more touching for me if he took the time to go and choose something himself. It is also important to me that he gets something that he likes also.

@Seelix Right, because for you he knows that is what you want. You want him to pick it.

@Seelix I think it’s not just materialism that causes some women to want to pick it out (and it’s a rare person who has no aesthetic preferences whatsoever), but that by shopping for it together, you’re moving away from the traditional view that a man buys a woman a ring as a down payment and it’s financial protection for her should things go south, and into a more equal, partnered relationship.

@MyNewtBoobs I still don’t think that has to be the statement. Just think of it as any gift. Some people like surprises and a gift the other person picked themselves for the recipient, and some want exactly what they want. The ring is basically a gift at this point, in my opinion.

@MyNewtBoobs – Yup, @JLeslie pretty much said it. I’m as progressive as the next gal, but this is one thing where I prefer the traditional way of going about it. I don’t think I’m any less an equal partner because I want him to pick out the ring.

@JLeslie Then I guess I don’t think intention is really all that matters. No amount of “aww, how sweet” is really 100% of what matters to me. And I kinda hate surprises.
But I don’t understand how an engagement ring isn’t materialistic on some level – an engagement Roth IRA would really be more practical. If it’s supposed to be something just for her, how about an engagement journal because she’s a writer, or an engagement sweater because she’s always colder than you? The ring is supposed to be something shiny and pretty for her to wear, something that’s not really practical (unless I’m not understanding something about it) so I don’t understand how wearing a ring, even a giant diamond with 18k gold, but not caring about what it looks like is somehow less materialistic than being fine with a CZ on sterling silver, but wanting to have a say on what’s on your finger for the rest of time.

It’s like when I registered for my wedding. Please buy me what I registered for even if it is one $12 plate. I don’t want some crystal vase or picture frame you think is pretty. Ok, sometimes the surprise gift is something I love, but really, I want what I want, and I prefer it being something I will use. I have vases, bowls, and platters that I love, they are beautiful, given to me as gifts, but they are all under counters not being seen by anyone, it is a shame. Not because I don’t like them, but because I am not going to have a bunch of stuff out, because I simply don’t put much on top of counters, tables and shelves. I hate the waste of money. But, I do appreciate the thought no matter what, and think about the person when I see the item.

@MyNewtBoobs I agree that the fake ring and the real ring in a way are both just as materialistic as the other, and symbolic. The realistic part is if a couple only has a moderate amount of money, getting the cheaper ring and using the other money left over for a down payment on a house, is basically the house rather than the ring. That’s what we did. I would have been fine with no engagement ring. I do like wearing some sort of ring, even if it had been a simple band. My band was $130 I think 18 years ago, and my husband just a few dollars more. They could have been silver for $20 it would not have mattered to me.

@JLeslie…Some time ago (one of my earlier postings) I asked something about gifts…would you rather have a gift that is a surprise or a say in what is being given?

I may have sounded rude with my answer (see above), but I’m with you, @JLeslie, I don’t like surprises. I also feel that something that is given and not used is just wasted time and money. And honestly this whole “engagement thing” really comes from practicality. Why spend money on something that someone does not like/will not want to wear or worse be embarrassed to wear?

I think it is fantastic that some women feel comfortable enough and know that their partners would know exactly their taste…but that’s not what I was referring to.

Here is what happened to me (linked to my previous posting): I stopped to admire a ring in a window, “Oh, that’s a nice ring…” and that’s all it was a nice ring. It wasn’t a ring I would want. But he bought it and that’s why I cried. We were “window shopping” , but we were window shopping for lots of things, looking in lots of windows of different sorts of shops. Something that I said off-hand was taken seriously. I also said, “That’s a nice bracelet…and oh, look at those earrings.” The engagement ring was something that resembled a wedding band that had lots of tiny diamonds in it…move like a “cocktail wedding band” with one tiny ruby in the center. It was a band, a thick band. It was too “over the top” for me (like he was I suppose!) and interesting, but not really my taste at all. I should have said, “That’s a nice ring…but not for me.” I was mortified to have to tell him. He got very angry even though I tried to put it as gently as possible. “This is a lovely ring, but it isn’t something that I feel looks quite right on me, perhaps we might pick out something that fits a bit better?” I realized later that this was a pattern, he had to have his way in everything. He was not about ever allowing me to have a voice in anything. Eventually, I headed for the hills.

If you let a man pick out your ring and he does a great job, I am guessing he is a man who is unbelievably thoughtful, kind, considerate and has an ability to watch and absorb the nuances of who you are and what you genuinely like. I have had the opportunity to be with some people like that, too. (Seriously, you know you have dated “good gifters”, right? They listen when you say you really would like a copy of some novel or that you love a certain French perfume.) And it’s not at all about the price of something either. One of my favorite gifts of all time was when I was in high school and my boyfriend (who didn’t have a lot of money) went to the audio-visual department of the school and pinched a movie screen and a projector for one night to show me a reel-to-reel copy of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. It was one of the most romantic gestures possible…especially because he had to sneak everything out when the teacher wasn’t looking and then return it the next day without detection and he knew that it was one of my favorite movies. It was unexpected and just so sublime. He propped it up on his patio and we ate popcorn, drank Pepsi and had chocolate cake and it was lovely.One of the most romantic gestures ever (in my book anyway.)

And let me tell you, if a man gets you a ring, and you know in your heart that he will know what you want…_he’s a keeper! I think that is fantastic!

@DarlingRhadamanthus That has happened to me more than once. Not for an engagement ring, but casually saying something is nice, and then getting it as a surprise gift. Or, shopping with a friedpnd and they act like they like it, and you say, “yeah, you should buy it, I like it.” and then they buy it for you, when it is something you would never pick for yourself.

My favorite gift for an anniversary was on our 15th someone at my husband’s work found out it was our anniversary and she said to him you have to get her something, when she heard my husband was going to buy me nothing. He looked up 15, found out it was Crystal, and came home with Krystal hamburgers (cheap fast food place). It was a snowy evening, but he still went out of his way, and presented them as a surprise.

@JLeslie @DarlingRhadamanthus I’ve had this happen to me, too. A couple of friends and one girlfriend knew me well, had good relationships with me, but were just really awful gift givers and didn’t always have the best taste themselves. And then you have forced clutter, and have to keep something around because they were sweet, even though you don’t like it.

@Leanne1986: OMG, I think every man who’s ever proposed with a ring has wished he knew what his girl liked or how to go about finding out. In my experience, most guys are not good with hints unless you show them a picture in a magazine and say, this is GORGEOUS!, tear it out and put it aside in a drawer for someday.

@JLeslie Krystal Hamburgers?awwwww can it get any sweeter? That’s what I mean! :) Also, @JLeslie, I think you really did end up with your true “other half”. And you know what? When you are with someone you resonate with completely, you don’t have to necessarily point things out all the time and a Krystal Hamburger is just as romantic as Baccarat. Because true love trumps everything.
@MyNewtBoobs Absolutely…I know. And then you keep it in the closet, but drag it out when they come over….or you don’t and they ask, “Where’s that velvet picture of Elvis I thought would go well over your new sofa? Didn’t you like it? Huh? Oh, you didn’t like it did you?” (Awkward moment…friendship hanging in the balance). lol
@Neizvestnaya…The picture works well for most nice and receptive men who want to make you happy….but from my experience (see above) does not work well with a control freak, who still insists that even though you pointed exactly to what you wanted it isn’t a surprise and everyone wants to be surprised and of course, he can make a much better choice than what you really want with all your heart. Which is why you get dis-engaged quickly lol

@DarlingRhadamanthus My mother has been hanging on to a plate for 30 years now because it was handmade by a friend and given to her as a wedding present. It is never used except every few years when the friend and her family come to town to visit for a week. The thought is sweet, but I really feel that when you give someone a gift, you’re hoping they’ll actually like it and use it, not that they’ll feign interest and say repeatedly how it’s the thought that counts. Otherwise, you might as well have just saved your money and given them a nice big hug.

It also still boggles my mind that for the men who want to buy diamonds that they don’t research a little bit before buying what they all think is such a “great deal”. The 4-C’s are pretty simple and true no matter what store you shop and there’s not a big markup in diamonds either since they’re an expensive item to begin with. You get what you pay for with diamonds, maybe a little break if you buy pawn jewelry and then have the diamonds re set.

@DarlingRhadamanthus Maybe what even contributed more to the awww factor was we had never had a krystal burger before, so coming up with it was really out of the blue. And, I had no expectations of a gift. I do like little surprises, unexpected surprises that show me he, or anyone thought of me, but I really don’t want it to cause me work or added stress. Having to find a spot for something in my house is stressful for me. Saying oooh ahhh when presented with a gift I don’t like is stressful for me.

Once I read or saw some show that suggested sending flowers a day ahead of a party you will be attending at someones home, instead of walking in with them on the day, because when you hand the host flowers she now has an additional task of getting them into a vase and putting them somewhere when she probably already worried about everything being ready for guests. Or, to send them a day after as a thank you, which might be better if the party will have a theme, and color schemes.

@Neizvestnaya I think the important thing here is, my boyfriend knows what I wouldn’t want. I am not very picky, my only rule really (in the jewellry department) is that I’m not a fan of diamonds. As far as I am aware I like most other stones but diamonds bore me. He knows this so, as long as he doesn’t buy a diamond ring, he can’t get it wrong!!!

I’m not fond of diamonds. I’d much rather have a colorful ring, and that’s what we did. We had ours made. Awesome.

@snowberry Did you have engagement rings or wedding bands made?

@Pied Pfeffer We had them made. I have never seen colorful wedding rings in any store.

@snowberry But did you want to pick it out yourself, or have him pick it out?

Neither. A friend approached us with a design and we paid him to make both rings.