What are some misconceptions about monogamy?

One is, a lot of people think they are in monogamous relationships when they aren’t.

@JLeslie This particular misconception – how has it played itself out in your life?

That’s it’s un-natural…
I mean it goes totally against Darwin’s idea of evolution.
then again one can argue ‘look at the world population… It sure hasn’t affected it!’

@Bagardbilla How so? Where in Darwin’s theory does it state that multiple partners are essential for evolution?

It comes from those that have grown up in a society where they have never heard about polygamous relationships; they don’t know anything different than what they have experienced. It also comes from certain religious beliefs. Why do some religions consider it acceptable while others do not? It might also have to do with those that have read of one or been in one, and it failed.

I have never been in a polygamous relationship, nor have I ever known someone who has been. You are as close as it comes, at least from being open about it. Unless more people speak up about the fact that it exists and it works, the misconceptions will continue to exist.

@SDB perhaps not essential but preferable.
Evidence is in the fact that a very small percentage of species mate monogamously.

@Pied_Pfeffer Yep, agreed. Though I was asking about misconceptions around monogamy. I know there are plenty about polyamory, so agreed there. @Bagardbilla That is true but is it reasonable to state that because so many other species do not mate monogamously that it is therefore important for evolution. After all, there are two ways evo bio people always discuss passing our genes on – through ‘spreading the seed’ into as many potential incubators as possible or through forming a monogamous bond that would (supposedly) be more likely to ensure full survival of offspring. They say these are the two ways to do it. But they’re also making assumptions since clearly with so many couples breaking up post children and it taking all kinds of families to raise children successfully anyway, there are other ways.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir It leads to a lot of deception and sadness. I think at least 80% (totally made up by me) of the time when a spouse cheats (so this does not include spouses who have agreed to have an open relationship) it affects the primary relationship negatively. I once read that men, well it was about men who cheat, but it is probably true for both sexes, that men who are cheating, now have a secret with the mistress that the wife is not party too, and that bonds the people in the affair and moves the man emotionally away from the wife. Who you share your secrets with, is usually the closest person in your life. I thought that was interesting. So, that begs the question, if it is not a secret, would that maintain the marriage better than the cheating behind the spouse’s back?

I think there are very degrees of cheating, open marriages, and poligamy. It is impossible to give one sweeping answer, it is complicated. A person who says he is loyal, but cheats all of the time, serial cheater, who really has not intention of beng faithful, that would be the cheater I am talking about here, not a one time surprising, unexpected event. That serial cheating is awful; but, in America, I think for the most part the man who does this has no choice if that is what he wants, because our culture does not allow for woman to sit back and accept it generally. I know many couples that have men who are serial cheaters, and probably in the man’s mind they feel they have always done the honorable thing and kept their wives safe, roof over their heads, gifts, provided for their children, rather then dumping her out on the street for the next one. Their wife is still the primary relationship and the mother of their children. In other cultures, the women sort of comes to a point where they accept “man” cheat, this is how it is, make the best of it. But, in my experience the women hate it. It affects them deeply. Financial dependency usually keeps them in the situation, low self esteem, or fear. There are some I would guess who just accept it and are really ok with it.

There is a difference between say Latin America macho, where the Catholic ideal is married in a committed monogamous relationship, but it is rather accepted the men cheat; and say Arab Muslim culture where there are multiple wives. In both, I think with each generation, the expectation is moving more towards a monogamy expectation, similar to mainstream America. Of course all of this is generalizations and simple observations I have had, it is not any sort of scientific statistic, and I am not even saying the majority of Latin Americans or Arabs behave(d) this way.

If it is all open and honest, then at least the lying and deception is gone, and each partner can decide if that is what they want for the relationship. As long as both people are able psychologically and realistically to choose their SO and develop between the two of them the relationship and committment they both want, then it seems fine. But, when cuturally there is a tremendous amount of pressure for people to accept or conform to one standard, I think that is not so good.

I prefer monogamy for me. I do feel it has helped develop an incredible bond bewteen my husband and me, that would not have happened had we each been able to go outside of our marriage.

I wanted to add to my last sentence. But, when I was having a lot of health problems, I had tremendous guilt, and still do, that our marriage is sometimes sexless. I miss the sex terribly, I think sometimes more than he does. There is a part of me at times that wants to give him permission to have sex with others. But, I think he bonds with who he has sex with, I feel he is that type of person, that he would shift his primary affection.

I guess you can argue it is an insecurity of mine, which partly it is, but also I think it is an assessment of my husband’s personality.

There are animals that are monogamous. Why do people always point out the animals that aren’t? Both happen in nature. I don’t understand how spreeding the seed aids evoution? It aids producing more of a partiuclar gene pool from the male line and more population. If man A impregnates 8 women, and there are only 50 people in the community, then it is likely a half sibling or closely related second generation member will couple. That means very similar genes are shared, similar features continue in that tribe/group and certain genetic diseases will more likely to move forward also.

That just because the majority do it, it’s the best way. Society thought a lotof things were the best way in the past that we think are horrendous now lol.

The biggest misconception that I’ve heard is that humans are, by nature, non-monogamous, or that it is un-natural. It may be difficult at times, but that doesn’t mean it’s un-natural. I suspect that people who think this are rebelling against religions who say it is the only correct way to live.

When I was married (which I hated, by the way, largely because of all of the ways that I was “expected” to behave), my peers seemed shocked that I would have my own friends (of both sexes) and my own interests, as if that was somehow not allowed. I felt that I was required to relinquish my own sense of self and become only “us”. (Although I suppose that has more to do with marriage than monogamy – I suppose that’s my own misconception, that they two must necessarily coexists.)

@syz: Actually, that’s something that seems to go with couples, though I suspect it’s more so with monogamous couples than with non-monogamous couples. Couples are always expected to “double-date” with other couples, because it is expected that your social life must revolve around your SO.

I guess that leads to another misconception. When you are in a relationship, you are never alone and if you are alone, then something is wrong. I go to movies by myself a lot and I often hear, “Why didn’t you ask your boyfriend to go?” to which I reply, “He didn’t want to see it,” or “He was busy,” or “I couldn’t get a hold of him.” This always horrifies people as if I should not do something without him or if I do, it is a sign that I am unhappy in the relationship.

I think a huge misconception that would apply to only monogamous couples is the idea that once you are in a relationship, you cannot think about/be attracted to anyone else. If you are attracted to someone else, there is something wrong with you. You are going to cheat on your SO. The bloody world is going to end. To deal with people who “remind” me that I have a boyfriend when I comment on someone’s physical attractiveness, I use a line that a friend of my mom’s, who happened to be a Catholic priest, once used. “Just because I’m not ordering, doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.”

@syz I think that is definitely more about marriage expectations than monogamy, unless one of the things you wanted to do was date and have sex outside of the marriage. I never feel stifled by my husband to give up my “self” or that I have to follow some sort of rules. Although, there are some compromises made of course, but I want to compromise, I don’t feel I am losing myself.

That monogamous people invariably get bored, either mentally, emotionally or sexually, or all of the above. I have known many couples who retain their excitement and their interest in one another throughout their lives. There are always challenges, in any relationship, but they don’t necessarily come from ennui.

@eden2eve nailed what I would have written, most especially the last sentence.

Agreeing with @eden2eve as well.

I agree too. I never feel bored. We love doing things together and telling each other what is going on in our lives.

Monogamy is easy.
Monogamy is kept strong by love.
Monogamy will break when there is no love.
Monogamy will break when there is no sex.
Your vows last forever.
It makes it easy to solve problems.
It unites you.
You can get everything you need from your spouse.
You should only share everything with your spouse.
Your spouse is your best friend.

That it’s more common or “natural” than other structures, in both the animal kingdom and through human history.

That humans are good at it.

That it is essential part of love.

The misconception that monogamy is outdated or boring. There are two male evolutionary strategies for passing on their genes.

1) Have sex with as many healthy women as possible being always on the move.

2) Have sex with one healthy woman and make sure that as many children as possible from this relationship grow up to have sex themselves.

Some men are implementing strategy 1, but the majority goes with strategy 2. So monogamy is in fact a success story.

There are also studies that monogamous couples have more frequent sex and even better sex.

@mattbrowne: That’s why we’re getting married, the better and more frequent sex! ;p

Congratulations @Neizvestnaya !

@mattbrowne Yeah, I’m pretty sure we have more sex than any other couple (monogamous or otherwise) that we know.