How do couples who live together keep from feeling like they're just roommates?

Sex did it for me.

@mrentropy That’s not necessarily unlike roommates. I’d have sex with my roommate if they were attractive and I was single…

You move out.

You’ll have to get intimate again. That doesn’t mean just sex. Try just spending some time pampering each other, like a shoulder rub or a scalp massage. Go on a walk together. Create something together, like a garden, painting project, or even a puzzle. You just have to find something new to bond over.

@Facade You are roommates in a practical sense. I think there are power in words, how you frame a relationship in your mind, and how your present yourselves to the public. Just calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend makes it different than roommates. Probably the really big game changer is feeling you will be with them ongoing/forever. I come home to my husband, not roommate.

@Facade Is this your first time living with someone? Did you have some sort of expectation of how it would be or feel, and the expectation was not met?

@rOs Don’t friends bond over those things as well?
I guess my issue is that none of these things are exclusive to relationships.

@jleslie Right. It is my first time, and my only adult relationship. I suppose I was expecting more (of what? I don’t know)... I feel like I should be swooning, and I mostly just see everything that bothers me. I do have depression if that matters. Plus the fact that we are great friends, and I have no others may be making my situation muddled.

I have to go, but I’ll be back. TIA for your answers everyone

Because, some of us…if you’re lucky, happen to be soulmates too ;¬}

@ucme How do you know if you’re soul mates?

From what I’ve seen and heard, it usually ends up becoming that way with every relationship at some phase.

@Facade Why should your lover not be your friend? My girlfriend is my best friend. You can’t be intimate if you don’t first connect on a mental level. Our biggest erogenous zone is our brain!

@Facade the stuff that @rOs is talking about is nice, but in my experience, it just makes you feel like roommates who do things together. For me, it’s sex that makes me feel like we are special.

However, it is different for everyone. For you, sex isn’t as special as it is for me. You have friends who are sex partners, or even roommates who, presumably, are more acquaintances than friends. But you help each other out.

You have to find what works for you, and it takes work. You have to get back to that place where you think your partner is really special. One of the relationship gurus out there says that there needs to be a ratio of life 5 or 6 to one in terms of good experiences and bad experiences.

You have to create good experiences. You have to remember to compliment your partner every time he does something you appreciate (and even at other times, a propos of nothing). You have to do fun things together. You have to talk and get into interesting discussions. You can use fluther topics for this. You can see friends. Go to parties. Go to concerts. Walk in parks. But you can’t just do these things. You have to do them with a conscious effort to appreciate your partner.

And then there’s sex. I guess there’s physical sex and there’s spiritual sex. This is part of the appreciation theme. Your goal is not just to have an orgasm, or whatever your usual goal is. Your goal is to fall in love with your partner and use the good feelings of sex as a way back to that loving feeling.

The emphasis is on looking in each other’s eyes, and going slowly. Touching gently and appreciatively. It’s not about getting your rocks off. It’s about teasing a smile. Being bashful. Flirting. Making each other feel recognized and appreciated and special.

And this is not a one-time thing. You have to do it all the time. You have to nurture your relationship.

If it goes too long without this, it could be over. If both parties aren’t into it, it could be over. If both parties won’t give something the other wants, it could be over.

My wife and I did this, and for a while, it did rebuild our relationship. And then, somehow, we let it slip. Got complacent. Now we’re back to where we were when it was getting bad. I don’t know if we can save it this time around.

Set aside one night a week for date night. Practical problems need to be off-limits as a conversation topic. Do things together. Go dancing, bowling, out for a drive or a drink or a meal.

Try reintroducing the romance. Drop a little love note in his lunch. Meet him at the door wearing only a raincoat.

@Facade Because the wife has said if she dies before me, she’ll fucking haunt me…. there’s no other like me! Happily the feelings mutual.

@Facade, ...“how do couples who live together keep from feeling like they’re just roommates…” as opposed to what?

Don’t think that the external things will keep you together like getting married or having babies. Babies and weddings make terrible glue. Time spent devoting yourselves to each other is a much better adhesive. You both need to be there though.

This might be a good time to think about what makes you feel like you’re living with a roommate. If it’s not to your liking then you need to change it.
Also, you may need to take into consideration that you need a life outside of your SO.

Make time for the romance and go on dates with each other… Do things that are more than just what a roommate will do

Marriage?

@squirbel How would marriage fix that? The temporary honeymoon period?

A nice dinner together will always be a good way to start

I say this only based on personal experience: acknowledge the fact that sometimes, during a long(er) relationship there will/could be periods of feeling roommates.
It would get boring even when you are 100% of the time on a high, there are bound to be some lows as well.
Realizing this (to me anyway) makes it more bearable and also can be the key to get working on it.

Thanks everyone. I think we just need to start doing things together as some of you said, and I also need to get a life like @AmWiser suggested. I’m learning…

How much time is devoted to discussing plans, like finances, home improvements, personal goals, vacations, taking in parents should their health fail, etc. These are the topics that we discuss in great detail on a regular basis. These are things that were never discussed with the housemate I lived with for eight years.

Couples are different. For some this phase is normal. For me, it’d scare the hell out of me. I thankfully haven’t felt like this with my current partner yet.

I have more to add. I think sex is part of it as others mentioned, but what I really think makes you feel like more than roommates is the goal setting, the planning, the future. Knowing what each other wants in life, what you both are working towards, having a picture of life together, and how it will grow. Supporting and helping each other is very bonding. Feeling like a united force in the world.

It sounds like you thought you would feel more enamoured all of the time. I feel that way with my husband. If that is missing you could try to get it back.

Also, if your household was sort of volatile growing up (though I don’t get the impression yours was) then maybe you feel bored when things are calm?

Stop living together.

I think it’s mostly attitude. I’ve had roommates and I’ve been married for 36 years. The difference isn’t in what we do, but how we feel about it.

We have sex together. Play together. Feel a sense of responsibility, love and care for each other. We miss each other when we aren’t together. We can steal each other’s food and nobody gets toooooooooooo shitty. We share bank accounts/money/other possessions. We are buying property together, we plan our holidays together. We have a view that our futures are linked permanently.

By doing things together. Doing things for and with each other.
Some reading:
Spouses or Roomates?

Sometimes I feel like roommates with my husband only because he works so much. But not for our relationship overall.
I think that when it comes to working out who does what, yeah that feels like a chore in itself. Ugh. And then I nag and he gets pissy lol. But I’d say sex and a certain companionship keep it from feeling like just roommates.

I don’t feel like we’re roommates because we sleep together, have sex, share everything, split groceries, cook with each other…....but when he was working a lot and I was always cleaning/cleaning up AFTER him…..that felt like we were roommates, and it was annoying as hell.