Social Question

Blackberry's avatar

Of course there's no perfect person, but is it even worth searching for someone close to perfect? Should you just settle if you find someone "good enough"?

Asked by Blackberry (29341 points ) June 19th, 2011

I’m in the middle. Sometimes I want to hold out for someone that I know is out there, but I may or may not ever find her, so I also feel that I should just find someone that is good enough and stick with them because if a woman was so great, she’s going to be taken anyway? It doesn’t mean that the good enough woman is worse, but you’re being more realistic and dropping the fairytale fantasies.

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33 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Settle? Don’t doooooo it….
Life is too short to live one’s life with a rabid badger,ya know? ;)

JilltheTooth's avatar

The perfect woman for you may not be another person’s good enough. It’s all a matter of perspective. Unless of course, you measure by someone else’s scale, which would be kind of silly.

Blackberry's avatar

@JilltheTooth Sorry, that’s what I meant. Should we try to look for the person that is great for us…

ucme's avatar

There’s such a thing as thinking too much, trying too hard. Kick back, chill & Wonder Woman will come calling, probably in those shexshy satin tights ;¬}

JilltheTooth's avatar

I hoped that’s what you meant but I wasn’t sure…

jrpowell's avatar

It is like waiting to buy a computer because you know a newer and better one will be out in six months. You will never end up buying a newer one. That is whey I sell the old one on Craigslist to make the cost of upgrading less.

Blackberry's avatar

@JilltheTooth So help me out here lol. Keep searching, or settle?
@ucme I like that. Thank you.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

As long as she’s smart (Not like a super intellectual but must at least know how babbies are formed) and clean, that’s good enough for me.

quiddidyquestions's avatar

I think degree matters.
Is she not perfect for you as in she’s blonde and you prefer brunettes, or something like that? Or that she makes an ok living, but you’d prefer someone wealthy? That she’s a Mets fan and you like the Yankees? That she’s kinda messy and you’re neat? Or is it that there are fundamental values on which you disagree? Or do you cringe when she talks? Do you not think she’s intelligent?

Personally, I don’t think a perfect match exists. There’s always going to be something, some quality, that someone else has that you like. The key, I think, is to find someone who you respect, are attracted to, can have good conversations with, and an laugh with.

Sunny2's avatar

Look for someone to ‘like’ first. If you can marry a ‘best friend,’ it can work. Decide which traits are important to you. Then rank them. What are deal breakers, traits she just has to have?
What values do you insist on? Could you live with someone who tells lies?
@quiddidyquestions has good examples.

john65pennington's avatar

Here is a good example to answer your question…......my daughter.

I love my daughter beyond what words could describe.

She has just divorced her 5th husband. She tells me, “I am going to keep on searching, until I find Mr. Right. A man like my dad”. I cannot tell you how that made me feel.

I told her to keep on, until she finds Mr. Right. I do not care if she marries ten men, as long as she believes he is the right one.

Same applies to you, Mr. Blackberry.

Sunny2's avatar

I don’t agree with @john65pennington. In this day and age, you don’t have to marry every man or woman you have the hots for. I would hope people would take advantage of finding out about compatibility before marrying. Multiple marriages dilute the sincerity of marriage vows more than gay marriages ever did or will.

Blackberry's avatar

@Sunny2 Yeah, maybe not marriage, but just dating around until you find a decent person?

JilltheTooth's avatar

Oh, @Blackberry , I think you need to look at what you consider perfect for you and see where the women in your life have been lacking. You may have some idealized notion of what you want that doesn’t really fit into a reality scenario, and the basic human failings of the women in your life may have seemed like insurmountable problems. Not saying that that’s so, just an idea. The media have such a strong impact on how we feel, that if we aren’t “soulmates” with someone, it just doesn’t seem good enough. I’ve known a lot of couples that weren’t absolute from the beginning that really grew to have ideal relationships.
Keep in mind that I’ve chosen to be single for life (reasons I’m not willing to go into here) so my observations are objective, which may lessen their value in this case.
Good luck, I hope you find her!

ninjacolin's avatar

@johnpowell has your answer:

settle to learn, don’t learn to settle

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Keep on dating friend. There is nothing wrong with that. Not to scare you, but my SO and I were in our mid-forties before we met. This will be the first marriage for both of us. When I mentally compare him to other men that I would have been willing to marry earlier in life, I am utterly happy that I held out. He was worth the wait.

Cruiser's avatar

I would not apply perfect or good enough to a soul mate. A real connection with someone you fall in love with transcends the boundaries of perfect or good enough. That is when you feel wonderful with that person and that is when it is “just right”!

Coloma's avatar

And don’t forget, your ‘perfect’ may not be HER perfect. lol

SHE has to think you’re perfect for her too!

YARNLADY's avatar

Searching for someone is a mistake from the very start. A good match is made between people when they are attracted to each other through mutual interests and feelings. Some people never meet someone they feel that way about, and they have a perfectly good life.

nikipedia's avatar

Arranged marriages seem to work out pretty well often enough that I suspect you can grow to love someone who starts out just “good enough.”

athenasgriffin's avatar

I’m waiting until I can find someone who will be perfect for me. I’m waiting until I can find someone I would be perfect for. I’m not settling down until I find that. I truly believe there is someone out there for me.
Why settle?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Make a list of what you want in your partner and also why you want those things. Prioritize according to how often what’s important to you is going to come into play. What I mean is, how often really truly will you see your partner each day when you or both of you aren’t working? Is is super duper important that she’s into rock climbing if you don’t get around to doing that but once a year? Is it a deal breaker that she smokes when she drinks and she drinks only on rare occasion that you two go out with a group of mutual friends? That kind of thing.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Neizvestnaya It is interesting that you mentioned making a list. In my initial response, I started to include not to make one, but erased it, because I just don’t know if that helps or not.

My personal opinion on a list, be it written out or mental, is when it comes to certain details, it should be thrown out the window. Agreement on the big things like ethics, morality, intimacy, finances, whether to have children or not, etc., yes. All of the other stuff…not so important and sometimes worth working out.

One partner might find that they share the passion for rock climbing that they never expected until experiencing it with their new partner. They each might also find that they can appreciate their separate interests and still love each other. Two people making a commitment to each other are not joined at the hip, especially when it comes to personal interests. I learned this valuable lesson from our parents.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer: That’s what so cool about making a list. You start off thinking you should only bring up or talk about “the important things” but then overlook some neat details stuff.

The not being joined at the hip thing is super important because we don’t all marry our best friend. I’m a person who did marry my best friend the first time around and we were each other’s first pick for anything to share. Since then I’ve learned, sometimes in a hard way that it’s ok if it’s not that way. Like others, I had just assumed it was supposed to be.

yankeetooter's avatar

Looking for someone near perfect (let alone perfect) is just silly. You will probably miss out on many a good relationship looking for that near perfect person…And since none of us are even near perfect, how fair is it to look for that in a mate?

aprilsimnel's avatar

80/20, @Blackberry. 80/20. But you better be damn sure about what that 80% is!

Coloma's avatar

People change so much over a lifetime, I don’t think most relationships are meant to last ” forever.”

Some do, but mostly, the times comes when one or both are ready for different things.

You might be with someone for 25 years and one day they decide that they want to move to Europe or Alaska, or be single again, or become a monk. The fact is that there are no guarantees, all relationship, as everything in life, involves risk. ;-)

Sunny2's avatar

@Blackberry I mean dating around until you find someone who has the possibility of being a true friend. I know it’s an old fashioned idea, but it may be better in the long run.

yankeetooter's avatar

Yes, @Sunny2…I agree…

JLeslie's avatar

I always say list your top 5 wants and don’t settle for someone without those, and then the rest is chemistry. In the top 5 must be honest and respectful, you can add three more. You need to know each others goals for the future and you both need to not have an expectation of roles changing once married, unless they are agreed upon by both of you.

Also, if something really bothers you, no matter how trivial, it counts, don’t let anyone tell you it shouldn’t matter.

yankeetooter's avatar

I second that lol!

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