How important is popularity to you and how do you act on that?

I could give a fuck less about popularity.

I don’t know if I’m popular or not….

I’ve always been a talker. This gets one noticed for better or worse. And I’ve always challenged stupid rules and known what I was talking about if I was going to make a fuss. It was never to be noticed though. I’m happy to be a follower much of the time.

Not even a little tiny bit. Some people prefer to be unnoticed or at least not to be in the spotlight, I’m one of those people. Okay, maybe I misunderstood the question. No I don’t wonder why I’m not popular. I suppose I could be if that’s what I wanted.

In my “circle” right now the popular women are of the soccer mom variety – the trendy, competitive, bragging variety. I can’t even fake it well when I try to chit chat with them.

No. I could care less. It’s nice to be liked, but popularity has never been my thing.
I was actually kind of the leader in my group when I was young, but, I have been in a league of my own forever now. lol

Again. My words failed to explain my point well. Allow me to expound.

I didn’t mean the “look at the popular kids, why am I not one?”

I meant being within a group of people you already like and becoming more visible to them.

I knew from a very young that I don’t have the traits popular people do, and I got used to it, just as I got used to the fact that I can’t sing, which bothers me a lot more.

I’m not talking about things that you would “fake” to become popular. More like if you realize that you are feeling left out of a group that is important to you, how do you change your attitude?

I really care about being liked by the people who I like (a flaw of mine prbably). The people I like are not necessarily the popular crowd. I had always had people gravitate towards me to some extent, and then in the last 6 or 7 years that has changed a little. Hmmm, this question really makes me think.

What I have had to work on was being less abrasive, less giving out advice, and seemingly a little less sure of myself. Not sure, I am still trying to figure it out. Also, gaining 10 pounds I think affects it all also. Plus, and this is very important I think, not working in a career oriented job the last several years. It’s like I don’t quite fit into my group that I always fit into before in a way, just off by a few millimeters, but off.

Crap, I need to get my act together.

Part of it to is now living in a part of the country that does notnquite fit me, but we do have some very nice friends here, but I don’t like having to be careful what I say because they think so differently, I have changed myself a little to get along and I find it annoying.

It is not so much that I want to fit in or be recognized, but more that I realize as I write this, that I am not myself. The self I am putting out their is not the self I feel inside or something. Plus, these tough lessons the universe keeps showing me regarding relationships.

I am not sure I answered your question.

It isn’t.

Ask these people you like questions about themselves and their interests. Everybody likes it if someone is interested in their stuff.

If it were that important in my real life I’d be rich, and here I’d have 30k or more because I would be sucking up to everyone, which is never gonna happen.

@Blueroses Maybe you are with the wrong group of people? I hope you don’t find that statement offensive. Maybe think about what you like about your friends, why you want to be with them?

Or, it kind of seems to me you feel you want to improve yourself, or learn the secret handshakes maybe?

Been a loner all my life so I’ve never given popularity much thought.

I’ve only recently been made aware that I have a good reputation on my job due to my work expertise. Not something I sought and certainly not a huge achievement, considering the people I work with make The Three Stooges look intelligent.

(Guess that would make me the head Stooge?)

Heck, if I was condemned to never step foot outside my house again, I’d be the happiest man alive.

Popularity to me isn’t very important. I know what you mean about trying to make yourself “fit-in” inside a particular group of friends that you like. To be honest, I don’t really like changing myself just to get someone to like me. I’ll just say, if you like me, you like me. If you don’t, then I don’t give a damn.
I’m a “professional” speaker, as my teachers and classmates put it. That gets me attention on some occasions, and I don’t mind. But I wouldn’t make an effort to gain popularity within a group.

I’m not offended @JLeslie. Backstory: I had a question pulled from Meta with the official reason “people’s feelings always get hurt”. (My issue with moderating for the “unsaid” being potentially offensive is a separate one).

It made me think about joining a group like Fluther and seeing those popularity threads with some people always being mentioned.

I’ve never been one of those, but I wondered how much of that was on me? Does a group owe it to me to recognize if I am being sincere or funny or whatever? If I want to be a higher profile person, isn’t it my actions and my responsibility to make that happen? I looked at the people I admire and saw how they behave. I used the popularity threads as a tool for my own growth.

What makes a person popular within a group? I’ve decided that it isn’t kissing up to or courting anybody. It’s reaching out to everybody in appreciation. It goes to speak for your own sense of worth; whether you think your opinion will matter to anybody. But if you show your genuine liking for things and give other people their due, you raise your own visibility profile – which wasn’t the original point of giving worthy compliments, but it works out.

The group of friends I have now are the ones that I slowly got to know over time. What I have found through this group at this point in my life is that I am probably more of a one-good-friend at-a-time gal. I don’t like the dynamics of 3 or more friends.

So I guess my answer is I don’t care.

@Blueroses Ok, I don’t know you at all, but I can tell you some of my philosophy on the dynamics of a groups and friendships with women. It is not so much to be calculating about, but just ideas I will throw out there.

1. You need to be the outgoing one. You cannot wait for others to approach you. Strike up conversation, plan get togethers (lunches, shopping, etc.). Build a strong tie with one or two of the members, don’t feel like you have to please everyone, or win over everyone.

2. Share a little bit about yourself, and ask for a little advice.

3. When you walk into the room smile and make eye contact.

4. Don’t hide in the kitchen during dinner parties helping the host, get out and mingle.

5. Be positive, don’t complain a lot. Someone asks you if you like where you live say “yes.” Someone asks if you saw American Idol last night, you can say no but follow it with a, “do you have a favorite?” Not, “I don’t watch reality TV.”

6. If the group seems to care about dressing well, you have to dress. You should try to be a little more fabulous than them, but not so much that they wonder where the hell you think you are going. I do not mean be the one in a red dress in a room full of beige, not trying to suck all the attention or obviously be noticed, I just mean put together, a smart outfit as my grandma would say, or a cool piece like jewelry or a blouse or even your sunglasses. If everyone is supercasual, still pull it together well, but be very casual also. If everyone is not fashion oriented at all that is a different thing.

7. If your friends are married/SO’s, flirt a little with the men.

8. If someone walks up on a conversation you are having with someone else, immediately include them. If someone seems a little lost, call their name and tell them to come sit by you and focus on them, make conversation.

9. Mostly your confidence will come out and others will be attracted to it. If you are questioning all of this, then I am thinking you don’t feel very confident right now in the social situation, so others are not as drawn to you.

10. Stay in contact. Send a text, some funny memory triggered, or send a photo of a restaurant your new friend told you about when you try it out.

You porbably know most of these already, but maybe it will cause a little brainstorming for yourself.

I don’t give a flying f-

I jest. :p

Well, that really depends. First of all, I always say I don’t give a shit, and it’s true for some things, and not so much for others. I’m a human. I’m a pack animal. So often, I do crave recognition. However, I often find that all the work needed to be seen or let people know I’m there isn’t always worth it, so I don’t really bother. My existence is best kept at a low profile, at least for me. But that’s not because I don’t care, it’s because I find it better this way. I’m pretty insecure and all that crap, so that’s probably why. I’m hurt easily, so if I fuckup being a Goth in a rivethead bar, it just sucks.

I don’t know about groups, but I do know that quite often, there are people who I really admire or look up to, and would wish that my existence would be known to them. So we could share things, or be awesome in one another’s presence. They could teach me things, and maybe I could teach them something.
I must admit, the opposite also happens. Sometimes I meet people who I despise so much, that I wish I could hurt them somehow. This is a form of recognition, and probbaly self projection on my part. I see this, it does not need to be pointed out.
However, being a wuss, it’s probably a good thing that such people usually scare me enough that I just want nothing to do with them.

I can’t answer the second part of your question, because despite the yearning I’ve explained that I sometimes feel about wanting to be seen and recognized, I usually don’t do anything. Again, my not so social demeanor causes this. This may explain my fantasies I sometimes have of meeting people I think are cool, but currently deceased. Since I’ll never meet them, I don’t have to worry about the reality of things being flushed down the crapper.

Sometimes though, I am recognized by doing nothing, and just being little ol angry me. That always feels so awesome and genuine, but I’m afraid that it also fuels the high conceit I have of myself, which is usually kept secret. Being recognized for yourself is great, but it has its bad side too. The stronger a gladiator you are, the tougher your opponents will be. A lion wearing platemail and who hasn’t eaten in three weeks is one worthy mutha.

In my mind, I conquer the world, I have wings and I am God, and you will worship me. Bitches. :D

Hope I answered accordingly. Some of this question was a little confusing.

I am relieved. I hate attention and glad I am not at the centre of it.

Not at all. I have my friends and that’s all I care about – worrying about popularity seems so TV high school. I didn’t care about popularity then, and I certainly don’t now.