General Question

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

How can I get my mom to an understanding and agreement?

Asked by Vincent_Lloyd (2958 points ) July 12th, 2011

Okay so…Back in fourth of July I had 2 issues, the 1st one was solved, but the 2nd one is in the process. The first one was that my mom got mad at me for not telling her that I was going to hang out with my girlfriend for the 4th of July. But I was gonna tell her that day, since I found out late notice, and I was able to go with her to be with her. But that led to my 2nd issue….The issue was that while I was over at my girlfriends house the pier closed so we couldn’t see fireworks, instead we saw Transformers Dark side of the moon. And we had to take the LATE show which was at 10:00 and didn’t start till about 10:30 at night. So we went to the movies and saw the movie and we didn’t get out till about 1:30 AM…And my mom works as a flight attendant and she had to go to work in an hour… And she was up all night looking for me since I didn’t answer my phone since it was on silent and turned off the vibrations. She went over to my girlfriends house and confronted the mom that was there and there was a lot of drama and my girlfriend and her mom don’t have a very good connection and her mom apparently didn’t hear that I came over and told my mom that she didn’t know I was there, and neither did the father… But I was with the father and girlfriend…

There was more to when my mom went to her house, but she was about ready to call the police…But when the movie ended I texted her that I just got out of the movies.

But the issue is that I’m dealing with right now is that she won’t let me go to her house to see her… But she’s blowing this out of proportion to me, since I was in a movie, my phone was off and it was long movie, which I wasn’t expecting I was hoping it would be like…an hour and a half movie or so…but it came out to about… almost a 3 hour movie to me. And I’m not sure what to do so I can go see her at her house… She can’t come over to my house sadly since her mom won’t let her.

And also another thing with my mom, she’s a hardheaded mother, and she can be stubborn and she yells and gets mad easily. Plus, she also thinks that her parents will do something, like child pornography, or touch me inappropriately . But I’ve been to her house a lot and I’ve stayed with her since I’m only with her, and her moms usually gone at work, and the dads upstairs along with the brother…

Sorry for this being so long everyone! But I just don’t know what to do…And it’s my summer break too! I shouldn’t have to go through all this trouble just so I can see my girlfriend since it’s my break… I should be jumping through hoops when I’m in school and dealing with my homework! But Fluther can you please help me, we really miss each other, and all this is just insanitary to me.

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30 Answers

roundsquare's avatar

Did you at least apologize to your mom for keeping her up when she had work the next day or for not telling her when your plans changed from fireworks to the movie? If not, such an apology might at least help soften her up and open a dialogue.

JilltheTooth's avatar

As a mom I can tell you that when your kid disappears, it’s awful. You said that you texted your mom when you got out of the movie, why didn’t you text (or talk to) her before you went into the movie? Your mom thinks that your gf’s parents aren’t responsible, as they didn’t know where their daughter was, this is why she doesn’t you want you over there. You’ll need to step up and prove to your mom that you are responsible, and keeping her informed of where you are is a first step. Talk to her and ask her directly (without any kind of attitude) what the criteria are for you to have a good time this summer. Try to work with her, even though you may think she’s being too restrictive, she’s the parent and probably has a really good idea what’s feasible. You may be frustrated, but you need to prove that you can be trusted. Think about it. You’re annoyed that you don’t get to do what you want. Your mother thought you might be dead.
Don’t discount her concern until you are a parent.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

@roundsquare Yes I did apologize and she sorta talked about it to me, but I didn’t say what I really wanted to say since I’m not the kind of guy to speak up, since I have a hard time with that. But yes I did apologize.

@JilltheTooth And Mmm I see what you mean. But she’s a control freak too, I mean my middle sister had the same issue. And yeah I know, but there wasn’t really much I could during the movies since I didn’t feel any vibrations. And all I can say about her parents is that she deserves a lot better, and I guess I can say I’m her only good thing in life that understands her completely. But yeah I get what you mean about the trust, just that we had a difficult communication level with me and my mom. But my mom just left for work about an hour ago…Should I call her sometime and ask about it?

JilltheTooth's avatar

You really need to have a face to face with her, if possible, but a call to tell her you want to talk (again, I stress, with no attitude!) might not be a bad idea. She may be a control freak (or maybe just a strict parent, there is a difference, although it may not seem so at the moment) but she is the parent. I know we all say this but the the fact is you need to prove you are trustworthy. It doesn’t matter that your phone was on vibrate during the movie, you should have let her know before the movie what you were doing. As parents we are aware of just how many really creepy awful people there are out there that want to prey on our children. Remember, she has to walk a fine line between keeping you safe and letting you grow up. About your GF, it’s cool that you want to be a good thing in her life, it’s good that you care, but remember, you only can do so much, but her parents are the ones who need to deal with her issues. Work out your own stuff, appreciate that although your mom won’t let you do everything you want, she’s not acting out of selfishness and control, she’s trying to keep you safe and well. You can be a better support system for your GF when you’ve worked out some of your at-home issues.

Kayak8's avatar

Mom’s are supposed to be control freaks. She is responsible for you as well as for your actions until you are an adult. She has to worry about you being hurt and she has to worry about you hurting others or their property—because she is the one who bears the costs. She has every right in the world to know where you are and what you are doing. If she didn’t, she could be arrested for child neglect or endangerment.

So you can’t do what you want? I imagine your mom didn’t want to be up all night before she had to work either. Get over it. Adults have to do things they don’t like all the time—perhaps if you started acting more adult you might be treated in a more adult fashion.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

You could ask her for another chance and whether or not she grants you that chance,demonstrate your trustworthiness by your actions Do what you say you are going to do
Let her know where you are so she doesn’t have to send a search party out for you when you are late.Things like that.Consideration for others.
You could have stepped out of the theatre to call and let her know you would be late…things like that.
She was obviously worried about you.

Kayak8's avatar

And she has every reason to worry about you from some examples of your judgement you describe on Fluther. Your girlfriend has major issues and so does her family (from your own admission). Your mother is doing the right thing.

YARNLADY's avatar

Try to get together with your Mom. Without being confrontational, ask her what she wants from you, and how to come to an agreement. It sounds to me like you need to work on your communication skills. More is better when it come to communicating.

Cruiser's avatar

Hmmm…you were able to text your mom AFTER the movie but no before or during? You are learning a valuable lesson from you mom about being responsible. Take your medicine as it is being measured out to you by your mom and show here the respect she deserves from you by not whining about it either!

snowberry's avatar

I raised 5 children. I am in agreement with your mom on this. You need to learn responsibility, and try seeing it from her side for once.

By the way, if I were your mom and I saw your profile here, I’d hit the ceiling!! It’s got waaay too much personal information on it! Based on this fact, I’d say she’s not THAT much of a control freak.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Apparently your mother loves you very much and is concerned when she doesn’t know where you are and can’t get in touch with you… and rightly so. Make some sort of agreement with your mother to let her know where you’re going to be, and how she can get in touch with you.

JilltheTooth's avatar

A few more thoughts on this. Who paid for the movie? (for example) Are you working? If not, why not? If so, does your boss let you do whatever you want whenever you want? If you work for yourself, have you noticed the correlation between delivering on your contracts and getting paid? The world works on obligation and accountability. The sooner you learn that, the faster things will make sense for you.

Porifera's avatar

@snowberry aside from his last name, I think you have more info on your profile than Vin.

filmfann's avatar

I see by your profile that you are 14, maybe 15 if you haven’t updated it since you joined fluther.
My only question to you is: How do I give lurve to your mother?
She is right, you are wrong.

snowberry's avatar

@Porifera The name is the problem. In addition to his name, we know the name of his dog, and that he lives on the “oceanside” in CA. That might mean Oceanside, CA, or a beach somewhere. But all together, that makes my “mom antenna” bristle! This is a CHILD we’re talking about! Plenty of information for a predator to get started.

plethora's avatar

You are very thoughtless and a very poor communicator. If you were my kid, you would be grounded indefinitely. You could text when you got out of the movie, but soermehow never thought of that anytime before. We are hyperconnected these days. You could have totally prevented the problem had you communicated in a timely manner.

zenvelo's avatar

In addition to all of the suggestions about earning your mother’s trust, I also wonder what you were doing out so late at your age. Most towns in California have curfew of midnight on weekends.

You also changed your plans without anyone knowing. That erodes the trust you need from your mother. Your conversation with your mother should be “how can I earn you trust”.

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Yes you screwed up, admit it and apologize. You are NOT OLD enough to be on your own, the next time she may call the police and you may be considered by your girl friend as UNRELIABLE. That means you will be banned from your girl friend’s house with a lot of drama included.

You cannot act like a child and rationalize that it was okay ” ‘coz some day I’ll be old enough”

YOU are not old enough. In my house you would likely be grounded for at least the next SIX MONTHS. Short leash real short leash.

john65pennington's avatar

Your first and big mistake was cutting off your cellphone. There was no excuse for disabling the vibrate portion of your phone. If I had been your parent, I would have panicked, if you did not answer or at least text me back of the circumstances.

You were wrong.

Accept your punishment and let it be a learning lesson for you.

One day, when you have children of your own, you will then understand why your mom did what she did.

roundsquare's avatar

I can tell you what my sister and I did when we messed up.

Step 1: Admit we were wrong. No qualifications. Don’t try to explain why you did what you did. Just admit you messed up.

Step 2: Have a plan to prove we won’t do it again. In your case, maybe that means you ask her to let you go out again but for the next bunch of times, you come home early (before your mom plans to sleep). Also, you keep your phone on, pick up when she calls and call her pretty often (every hour or two…). Do that to prove you are responsible. If you do that for a while, maybe you’ll get more freedom. If she doesn’t accept this plan (or whatever plan you come up with) ask her what you can do to prove you are responsible. Do this face to face when she is in a decent mood.

Also, your mom seems to want to spend time with you (why else would she be mad that you wanted to spend the 4th with your girlfriend). Remember that: it’s a sign that she loves you, not that she’s a control freak. You should spend some quality time with her (something you should do anyway actually). Moms really like spending time with their kids and kids often end up enjoying it more than they expect.

This worked well with my parents. Once they trusted me, I got more freedom.

Beware: if you mess up in proving you are responsible, things will probably get worse for you.

Hibernate's avatar

No matter what you do your mom will still be upset . She has to know all your moves [ not to mention that she’s a beat of control freak .. what I understood from what you said , I might be wrong though ] .

This is the way I see things so excuse me if I seem way out of my bounds or if this looks like an attack .

ShanEnri's avatar

As a mom I’ll say if my kids did the same thing I would’ve reacted in a similar fashion. You know your mother and should have guessed at how she would react. Just deal with it for a while and it will probably blow over. What you did was selfish and you really need to deal with the consequences of your actions. Hang in there and your mom will come around! Sometimes an apology goes a long way and sometimes it’s just not enough!

8Convulsions's avatar

I had a lot of freedom when I was about your age. Even during school nights, I could go out with friends and stay out late. In exchange, I had to regularly check in with my Dad. If plans changed, if the people I met up with changed, if I decided to go to a different restaurant than originally planned, I called my Dad and let him know. Your Mom is not being unreasonable. You will only get the freedom and trust you want if you can prove that you deserve it. It only takes a minute to call or text.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I feel so sorry for these kids asking these kinds of questions, only to find themselves smack in the middle of a bunch of veteran moms and dads!

Well, put yourself in her shoes…what would you do if you came home from school one afternoon and your mom was gone when she’s usually home. She hasn’t left a note, a message, nothing. The afternoon moves into evening. No word. Your dad says he doesn’t know where she is. The evening moves into night. You keep calling and texting her. She isn’t answering her phone….come about the middle of the night and you still haven’t heard from her, how do you think you would be feeling?

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

You are 14…Your mom should have kicked your butt. Time is your best friend. Give it some time, act right and you’d be surprised. When you are older and have children, you will understand the fear when you don’t know where your kid is.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

Thanks for the positive feedback on this, it was mostly from the lack of communication on my part. Always has been a crappy communication level between me and my mom, maybe it was from me not seeing her much? But I would feel the same way if it was my child out at night…Hm…Just that the only thing is, is that she claims like she knows how everything works in the entire world, so she assumes she knows how my girls family is, or how I am when honestly she doesn’t…But I can admit, I screwed up bad on that night, and I know I’m a trustworthy person, but it was just that night that screwed things over and lowered my bar. I just need another chance.

snowberry's avatar

Hey Vincent, you sound like a good kid- a smart one too. I love your answer just above, and I hope you and your mom learn to see each other in a favorable light. You might show her this question.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I agree with @snowberry. You sound like a great kid. However, I don’t know your Mom, but adults do pick up on negative traits in people that kids don’t have the experience to notice. She may well be seeing something in that household that is escaping you.

She’ll give you another chance eventually. Don’t screw it up again.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

@Dutchess_III @snowberry

Thanks you two, and yeah I have a feeling in my stomach that sorta says she’ll give me another chance, but I’ll do my best not to cause another skirmish.

ROUNDIV's avatar

Since you probablly have been asking your mom to talk to her or go to your house Give your mom some time to chill about it in the mean time if you can skype your girlfriend. I dont think your a bad kid or a bad person you just did something for love. You just need to have your girlfriend’s parents and your mom get together and talk about this and see if they can work it out. If not DONT EVER GIVEUP ON LOVE

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