How can I get rid of all this anger and hate inside me?

For me, and for people I know, it is really helpful to try to get to their motives. Why did they do what they did? Are they really that different from you? I think it is hard to hate someone without feeling superior to them, and is hard to empathize with someone without trying to understand them.

And I hated freely and evenly when I was younger. Then a couple of things happened and I learned how worthless hate was.

As hard as it may seem…just let em go! Totally not worth all that effort! LITS to waste all that energy on someone that is such a negative in your life!

I try… and I try hard to let go but for some reason it all just simmers inside me. I sometimes feel I may need professional help.

Is all this normal?

Is there alcoholism in your family? You are sounding like everyone I ever met at an ACOA meeting.

I agree with @athenasgriffin try and understand where they were coming from. They might have no idea what they did hurt you. Anger usually comes from hurt, which explains why you are depressed in the end. If you are angry, speak to the person calmly and explain that you are upset about what happened. Give them a chance to explain themselves and apologize. You need to clear the air instead of just simmering about it. If they really are horrible people who don’t give a shit that they hurt you, then you can write them off and move on.

People are imperfect, you are imperfect. One day you will do something that hurts someone else or makes them angry and you will want to feel understood if you were not trying to hurt them on purpose, that you are not a bad person. You will want to be forgiven. When someone forgives you it sets you free from feeling bad about a mistake. You can do the same for someone else who might have said too much and hurt your feelings, or forgot to call, or whatever they did. When you take the weight of it off their shoulders, you take the weight and anger off of yours too. You will feel better.

My stock (and annoying) answer = start a meditation practice.

@sarahhhhh: “I get very angry with certain things/people and I will then obsess over it. After this I will just sit around and simmer with hate/angry and eventually this will turn into extreme depression. What is wrong with me?”

Nothing may be wrong with you at all. Depression can be the natural consequence of all of that anger and obsessive thought patterns. I can easily slip into a depression if I allow myself to do this. Mindfulness meditation can break help you step out of the destructive world of excessive rumination and hate.

Note: Depression is no joke. While I recommend starting a meditation practice, you should immediately make an appointment to talk to a professional. Sometimes a small trial on an SSRI is enough for some people to get them over the hump while they introduce positive changes in their life.

Also, the way you are feeling right now is temporary. Life is pretty f&*cking awesome. As unreasonable as this sounds, you are really just a couple of small steps away from climbing out of a dark hole and realizing that you can be free from your painful emotions.

Maybe if you smoke some herb (coming from someone that doesn’t smoke, FYI.) you could refocus on what matters. just saying

For me, blasting AC/DC’s Riff Raff while I pound the living hell out of a punchbag always helps.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could help you. Where would we start? You say you’re normal but yet, on a daily basis you find yourself hating, getting angry, then obsessing over this hate/anger. Why? Why would you let anything piss you off to the point of simmering anger and hate? Fortunately you answered your own question….If you feel you should, then you should seek professional help.

Try this exercise when the feelings of anger come up:

Instead of rehearsing in your mind all of the reasons you have to be angry or thinking about the object of your anger, direct your attention toward the actual physical sensations that make up the feeling of being angry. Just observe carefully the bodily sensations that the hormonal chemistry of anger produces, and watch how those feelings change over the next couple of minutes. Again, don’t go back and review the cause of the anger while you’re doing this; just feel what an angry body feels like.

Certain situations cause the brain to release a squirt of hormones that produces the cluster of sensations we feel as anger. Those hormones are short lived in the bloodstream, only hanging around for a couple of minutes. The problem is that we continue to think about the situation that triggered the initial anger response, which triggers more and more releases. Eventually, you form a strong psychological association between thinking about the situation (or the person) and the feeling of being angry.

Training yourself to redirect your attention to the bodily sensations does a couple of things:It interrupts the cycle of further releases so the anger dissipates quickly, and more importantly it teaches you to see anger as a passing feeling, not a fundamental component of your self.

Letting go of anger is a discipline. I use Christian teachings and yoga meditation to clear my mind of such things.

(I was gonna make a joke about your being a horcrux, and a small piece of Voldemorts soul is in your head, but I became afraid you would cut me a new asshole)

Going off of what @Pele said, smoking works for me. I feel like my mind is more open to rationalization and less open to anger. I also recommend yoga and meditation.

My Dad used to say: “Only an idiot argues with an idiot.” Don’t obsess over it. Figure the other person is an idiot and not worth the trouble. Then go update your FB page. Your news feed has updates from 30 of your friends.

Find a mentor. For example here

http://www.bbbs.org

I’m serious. It can’t be done by just following advice from an online forum. You need to talk.

I have a very short temper, and as other have stated, it usually comes from being emotionally hurt by someone I consider a friend. Instead of simmering in hatred, the best bet really is to calming discuss with the person involved why you are hurt and angry. What I’ve also been doing for the past couple years (when I can’t be calm enough for a rational discussion) is simply writing down all my frustrations into a journal, that way it’s all off my chest. “Just let it go” is definitely easier said than done. If writing it down doesn’t satisfy your anger, find a neutral person to talk it out with, like a mentor or a therapist even.
You’re not abnormal, you just haven’t found your personalized method of handling these issues yet.

You need to chill out. It’s normal to dislike others but to hate them just for a thing they say or do is not normal. Obsessive compulsive behavior at young ages develop into mental illness later if you do not get rid of them soon.
I don’t know what you can do but you need to be more relaxed and understand that people around are different and they won’t always do things you like. You need to live with it. If they are friends tell them it bothers you and if they consider you a friend will try to avoid doing them around you. If they are not friends of family then you just have to let these things pass.

My hatred builds when I’m trying to push someone away. I push them away because they don’t love me. This is true for friends and parents and lovers. I feel worthless when people don’t love me. When I’m worthless, I get depressed. And when I’m depressed I hate myself. When I hate myself, I want to die.

@tom_g and the others who suggest meditation have offered a very helpful suggestion.

I have found that letting the feelings slip away without being all attached to them really helps. I don’t meditate, but I do other things that put me into that frame of mind where I understand these feelings don’t matter, or aren’t helpful to me.

But the other thing I started doing was getting people to fall in love with me. This was both a problem and helpful. It is a problem for several reasons. One, it’s not acceptable in our society. Two, people think it doesn’t work and that the only place where you can get a lasting sense of self worth is from yourself. Three, if you rely on them and they withdraw their love, you are screwed.

However, I think you have to be shown you are worthy before you can start to believe it. Most people grew up with their parents telling them they were loved and lovable. But some folks don’t get that when they grow up. I think that at some point you have to learn you are lovable and I don’t think that is something you can do all by yourself.

If you learn to love yourself, I don’t think hate will be nearly as necessary. Hate is a defense mechanism. You are protecting yourself from attack. But if you don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, then someone else’s attack won’t mean much, and you don’t have to defend yourself.

There is another problem with relying on others to prop up your sense of self. When they withdraw their support, you can lose your feelings of self-worth again. You, at least, turn the hate outwards, not inwards, on yourself.

Imagine what would happen if you turned it in on yourself like I do. You wonder why you keep doing this to yourself. And you beat yourself up for that, because you are unforgiving on yourself. And you despair that you could ever do anything right. And you know you could let it go, but you can’t. Or you don’t want to. Feeling hurt seems easier than taking the risk of making it better.

Don’t do that. Don’t be the talking train wreck that I am.

Should we be getting rid of all the hatred or frustration within us?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: “Should we be getting rid of all the hatred or frustration within us?” No. But many of us are not free from the grip our hatred and frustration have over us. She’s asking for help. She is suffering as a result of this anger, hatred and frustration. There is a way to free herself from this. It won’t rid her of anger and frustration, but it can ease the suffering that is associated, and free her in a way.

@tom_g I don’t know if that freedom exists. Not if you’re around people. Not if you have half a brain and a heart and eyes that are open to what goes on.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: “I don’t know if that freedom exists.”

I couldn’t disagree more. I’ve experienced this freedom. I was burning alive from all of my anger and hate. There is sooo much to be angry about, I felt that the only choice was to give myself over to the anger, and my health suffered. When I found mindfulness meditation, I was quite skeptical (I’m an atheist with an active woo radar). I can’t even explain the difference it has made. People literally call me “2.0” or “Tom 2.0”.

Edit: I also must add that previously I would get angry at the mere thought that someone felt that anger was a problem.

Also, I used to think this stuff was bullshit, but I really understand quotes like, “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger.”

@tom_g Look I love mindfullness and yoga as much as the next atheist with a woo radar but that doesn’t mean that anger is gone. Perhaps you meant freedom from letting it rule everything because it doesn’t but it’s still there.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: “but that doesn’t mean that anger is gone. Perhaps you meant freedom from letting it rule everything because it doesn’t but it’s still there.”

Exactly. Sorry, I think we misunderstood each other. Yes. The anger is there. It just doesn’t control me like it used to. I am more free to act in ways that are productive for me. I am not stuck in obsessive rumination about things I cannot control.

I am not a very traditional person. I am a socialist, environmentalist, atheist, feminist, who lives in a society that appears to be a vapid wasteland of corporate consumerism, religion, anti-intellectualism, and regressive politics. If I was to wake up every morning and meet the world with anger pulling my leash, I’d not only be on the verge of a heart attack, I’d be a f*cking idiot. I am now in control of my anger. I am able to respond instead of react. I can actually observe my anger and its effects on my body while it is happening. Doing this actually takes the edge off my anger and clears my thoughts so that I can come back to what is important to me. I have so much less regret, and I can see clearly now that there are beautiful things that are important to me that deserve my presence. My practice helps me be there. My anger/disgust with the status quo is still there, but I don’t miss having cut the leash.

@tom_g Seems you’re preaching to the choir here with me, :)

When I have emotions that seem to run away from me and get out of control I go running. It’s really hard to be angry, sad, frustrated etc. when you’re physically tired.

You also need to get to the bottom of why you’re so angry. People can be very irritating but normally you should be able to think through how much of their behaviour you can control and/or are responsible for.

When I was teen I mistakenly thought that I could fix any problem that was flung in my direction. This resulted in me taking responsibility for behaviour that wasn’t mine to take. I spent quite a while developing boundaries around myself and while people still try to stomp all over those boundaries I do a much better job of sticking to the boundaries and making their, sometimes ridiculous, behaviour their responsibility.

FWIW I suck at the “clear your mind” type of meditation. My mind is far too busy and full to empty. What works better for me is mindfulness. Really paying attention to my surroundings like it is the first time seeing them.

oh I feel like this about certain people in my family who are annoying to extremes. I just leave the room now or go workout for a couple of hours. when i get back i find i can put things into perspective better.it’s my way of telling them mentally to screw off!

@tranquilsea – Great answer. Exercise is great. Re: mindfulness – right! The “clear your mind” meditation is really a myth about meditation. Mindfulness/insight/vipassana meditation has nothing to do with “clearing your mind”.

It is very normal. Don’t think professional help should be considered at the time. Sometimes one does feel completely cornered or rather surrounded by idiots. Be it different frames of mind, opposite opinions or or just the level of stupidity a person can hold. Some have a short temper others don’t. My advice would be not to waste your time holding on to it, as by doing that you are literally wasting your time. Time that you are not getting back. If you feel your mind going that direction take care of it by distracting yourself, short and small distractions like indulging into a conversation with people around you, getting something to eat, listening to a ‘happy’ song or if you may, reminding yourself of it not being worth ‘it’. You’ll be fine.

Let go of the anger. I had, and still have a problem with anger and hate. You have to want to let go. You have to truly want to let go. Don’t cling onto it! Hold you’re breath for 5 seconds and then take a deep breath. Then smile.

@tom_g thanks :-)

There is a difference between having a quick temper, and holding onto anger and grudges.

Are you questioning how you handle anger because it is making you unhappy? Or, because other people are telling you it needs to change?

@rooeytoo nope no alcoholism.
@tom_g is there a certain type or form of meditation that you do? Will I have to find my own way of meditating or is there a certain way that I must adopt?
@thorninmud that’s a very interesting fact: that biologically we are only programmed to be angry for a short while… will read more into that.
@filmfann joke away :)
@tranquilsea thanks I do go for a work out everytime I feel to stressed and it really does help.

Thanks all for your answers and help. <3

R U N !!! – use up that extra energy and you’ll be too tired to get angry, plus you’ll get a nice shot of endorphins some 20–40 mins into your run. You can’t lose with running :-)