Social Question

JLeslie's avatar

Are you embarrassed to introduce your overweight spouse?

Asked by JLeslie (46157 points ) August 3rd, 2011

Some studies have shown men really do not like when their wives gain weight. I assume it has to do with sexual attraction. But, it got me wondering if part of it is that they are embarrassed for other people to see they are with someone heavy? That it reflects on them somehow. I figure it might also be true for women to, so I wrote the question for everyone.

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33 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

No, I’m just upset when one of my friends (then becoming an ex-friend) says something derogatory behind her back after meeting her. I guess I could say that I’m afraid of how people would judge a book by its cover. I don’t typically do that, so it bothers me when others do it.

An example is someone (after meeting an ex for the first time) asking me how much we spend on groceries after she had walked away. I couldn’t believe he said that so non chalantly, disregarding both of our feelings and patently insulting me to my face.

I wouldn’t date someone I wasn’t attracted to or was ashamed of, but it bothers me that people will judge that person, and then you, based upon looks.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would never be embarrassed to introduce my husband to anybody.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I’m with @lucillelucillelucille.
If I were embarrassed of my husband for any reason, physical appearance or otherwise, I would have to do some serious reevaluating of my values and my relationship.

jonsblond's avatar

Gosh, if a person is embarrassed by their spouse, that doesn’t sound like much of a relationship. how sad

Cruiser's avatar

I am proud to introduce my wife as my better half and for good reason! lol!

JLeslie's avatar

@Blackberry You mention dating in your last sentence, but I think for a lot of spouses they are not happy with the weight their spouse has gained over the last 20 years say. This study shows men don’t like it, but it doesn’t say they are necessarily divorcing over it.

Facade's avatar

I’d be embarrassed to introduce someone who was once in great shape, but is now overweight or obese out of laziness as my spouse. I’m certain my SO would say the same.

Blackberry's avatar

@JLeslie Oh I see. Your wife was once a trophy, but now she’s a second place trophy. Well that’s what happens when you succumb to societies idea of beauty lol. It seems like those relationships were based on looks and impressing others from the start lol.

jonsblond's avatar

@JLeslie My husband and I aren’t as thin as we were when we married almost 20 years ago. We love each other just the same and would never be embarrassed of each other. We still find each other sexy, even if we have a few more pounds on our bodies. If I was embarrassed by the way he looks, he deserves someone better than me.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I believe this is true for men but not so much for women, in general. Most men see their spouses and families as a reflection of them and yes, as a bit of status (or lack of). I grew up thinking this is the way it’s always been and as I’ve aged, I’ve seen that play out to be true more often than not.

No, I am not embarassed by my overweight partner but I know he is very sensitive about how I look. I’ve known him when we were casually dating to remark about the bodies of other women and also his ex wife. I’m usually stick thin so I’ve never felt threatened until recently when I did gain some weight. He wouldn’t make me feel bad about it but I know it bothers him, as though it might signal the end of my looks.

If my weight stayed as it is right this minute, I know my partner wouldn’t diminish his love but I also know I he wouldn’t find me as sexually attractive. I know for sure it’s not pictures of me he looks at on his tech gizmos. Still, I’d be a fool if I expected to be the same in his eyes as before.

JLeslie's avatar

@jonsblond I agree, but I was interested in what others thought. The idea just occurred to me now, which I alluded to in the original question. It’s not that I have ever even really thought about it before. Not in this way. I am not sure how my husband would answer.

sleepdoc's avatar

I am never embarrassed to introduce my spouse overweight or otherwise

_zen_'s avatar

If I found myself in a situarion where I was embarrassed to introduce my spouse, I would do some serious reflecting.

Judi's avatar

My husband and I have both made some drastic lifestyle changes and lost a lot of weight. I don’t think he was ever embarrassed of me when I was fat, but I have noticed that other men treat him differently when they meet me than they did when I was fat. It’s a different kind of respect, like, “There must be something special about that guy to have a wife who looks like that.” Really not braging, but I went from a size 18–20 to a size 4.

JLeslie's avatar

@judi That’s interesting. I was thinking aboutit more in the mind of the person, rather than people actually reacting differently to him. So that makes me think those same men are not happy if their own wives are heavy, and they would worry about what other men think, because they think it themselves. It’s a projection of sorts.

wundayatta's avatar

Embarrassed? I don’t think so. But I doubt if I’ll ever have a chance to find out. My wife can not gain weight no matter how hard she tries (and she doesn’t try hard). I think my daughter got her genes. My son… may have the misfortune to get my genes. I hope my wife isn’t embarrassed to introduce me. But I am overweight as well as a few inches shorter, so she has ample reason to be embarrassed, if she wants to be. Not that I could do anything about my height.

JLeslie's avatar

@wundayatta I have always pictured you tall in my mind. Tall, thin, dark wavy hair.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I’d be ashamed of myself if I felt like hiding my husband’s existence based on looks.

wundayatta's avatar

@JLeslie I do have dark wavy hair ;-)

Plucky's avatar

I really find it difficult to even think of how I might possibly find my partner’s physical body embarrassing. I could not see myself ever feeling that way. She’s not a bikini model or anything. She’s got a tiny frame. The only thing fat on her is her belly ..lol she has this sort of pygmy bushperson belly (if that makes sense). She doesn’t put much effort into her appearance. She’s certainly not ugly in any sense. Since I gained weight from being sick, I am positive she has not felt embarrassed by me either.

Now, if she showed up to a family gathering with a pink tutu, red leotards, crocs, a faerie wand, purple hair and sparkles all over her skin…I might feel a tad embarrassed.

Seelix's avatar

Absolutely not. I love him for who he is and expect that others will too.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I am honoured to introduce my wife to anyone. Having plenty of prior experience being married, I never for a moment forget what a treasure she is from my viewpoint. Her weight does not enter into that. I have occasionally forgot my manners and failed to introduce her. I can be somewhat absentminded, especially in new social situations. I have made a commitment to avoid that error in the future.

I wish I could introduce her to so many of the Jellys I admire here.

mrrich724's avatar

OOOOOOOMG, @Blackberry “how much do you spend on groceries?!”

That’s messed UP! But I’m sorry, it’s funny too.

Blackberry's avatar

@mrrich724 I wasn’t going to explode, it takes more than that to even make me mad lol.

mrrich724's avatar

I don’t think I’d be mad just because I’d be too shocked that the thought would cross his mind to even think that…

I’d be more like “REALLY?!!??!”

Sunny2's avatar

I’ve never been embarrassed by the way my husband looked, but he’s lost 100 pounds and he definitely looks better. I’m proud of him.

JLeslie's avatar

I asked my husband if he thinks men get embarrassed and he changed the subject. I think it was the same as me asking do these jeans make me look fat? His change of subject felt like he was answering yes. But, it could have been he saw the question as a no win.

Judi's avatar

I asked my husband too and he was brutally honest. He said that a spouse that doesn’t care for herself reflects on his choices. I guess I better keep going to the gym and to yoga.

JLeslie's avatar

@Judi So that would feed into the idea that overweight people don’t take care of themselves, or are lazy, or some sort of similar thought process. It is what the weight represents to them, not only if they think it is attractive or not. They want to respect and be proud of their wives is what I get from that response.

Judi's avatar

I can only speak for myself. Since I know that when I put my mind to it I can get in shape, it is lazy and lack of self esteem when I get fat. I know others have different reasons for their weight problems. I also know how hard it is to find the motivation to change so I don’t judge. I think my husband still does though.

jonsblond's avatar

I also spoke to my husband about the 30 lbs I need to lose. We were talking about our weight a few days ago, before this question came up. I was very fit before I had my daughter 7 years ago. I gained 40 lbs during that pregnancy, lost 20 after her birth, then gained 10 back due to stress and lack of exercise the past several years. I feel terrible because I don’t have the energy I once had. My husband told me he fell in love with my face and the person I was, not how thin and fit I was. He’s always been a sucker for a pretty face and beautiful mind.

If anyone is going to give him shit because my boobs are a bit bigger and my ass jiggles a bit thanks to the extra pounds, he doesn’t care. I’m still the same person he married, and he’s happy. Not all men are superficial. They just want a woman who is happy.

QueenOfNowhere's avatar

Honestly its their problem if they judge my boy. I would be proud to introduce him to anybody. <3

nebule's avatar

@jonsblond love your answer xx

I don’t have a partner but I think the way I feel about myself reflects the same process. I feel embarrassed about myself when I have put weight on (as I have at the moment…still trying to get the baby weight and then some off!) because I do hold the belief that overweight means you’ve got some problems (possibly laziness, possibly other stuff)...my insecurities and emotional eating is there for all the world to see…I do think it changes you as a person – putting on weight and losing weight, because your mentality changes. And I feel bad about that…I’d love to have more compassion for myself when I look in the mirror, but it almost feels ingrained in me – the symbolism of what that overweight body means to me…and unfortunately for the most part I judge others the same way… I’d like to change this way of thinking but it seems to happen automatically.

I’m not talking about looking at overweight people and being disgusted or having negative judgements…please don’t get me wrong…I’m simply saying that looking at a person at their ‘healthy’ weight and seeing them overweight represents different things in my mind, so I can understand how some spouses might be embarrassed but more than anything I admire those that see beyond the weight and have abounding love…I’d like to get to that for myself.

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