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desiree333's avatar

Is experimenting with both sexes necessary to clarify your orientation when questioning it?

Asked by desiree333 (3195 points ) August 4th, 2011

I feel like trying both sexes will gain me a much clearer perspective on what my preference is. However, I don’t think I need to go all the way with a guy to know if I am attracted to them or not. I just recently have been questioning my sexuality, probably for the past year. I am sure that I am bisexual, but how do I know if I am a lesbian? I am not physically/sexually attracted to men, but they don’t repulse me or anything. I feel physically/sexually attracted to females. I have never had sex with a guy or a girl. I think the reason why I haven’t is because I have always turned guys down when I get asked out. Since I don’t get into relationships, I have never had the opportunity arise where I could be intimate. Also, I don’t feel that emotional attachment to men either. I can’t see myself wanting them as a companion, because I don’t feel like we are on the same level. I definitely feel an emotional pull to girls though. When I picture myself in a relationship, I see a woman. I can relate to them, they smell better, usually are cleaner etc. I kind of feel put off imagining living with a guy, them leaving the toilet seat up, smelling like cologne. It kind of bothers me. I don’t know how I will ever be sure that I am a lesbian and not just bisexual when I haven’t tried either sexes before. I am so confused.

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13 Answers

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

There is a saying ”Bi now gay later”. I think even though you are not grossed out by guys, but since you were never at that cliff, you never really had to jump or back away. With females you seem more eager and expectant to make that leap. Even though you have not had a female available to make the leap with, when the time comes I think that leap will be easier so if I were in Vegas and had to make a line bet, I would say gay.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I have what I like to call the beach test, and it goes like this:

You’re lounging on the beach, and you notice a very attractive man and woman walking down the beach toward you hand-in-hand. Where do you eyes go first? Where do your eyes linger the longest? What excites you when you look?

I don’t think you have to be in a relationship or even go all the way sexually to know what your orientation is. What is it about the same or opposite sex that catches your eye first? What about them causes you to linger? What about them excites you?

Search your feelings. If you haven’t been in any intimate relationship, then your confusion is normal. Be kind to yourself, and just let yourself develop naturally. Wait and see what happens. Give it time.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I don’t really think it is important to label. Especially at this point in your life, when you have so much uncertainty. I also don’t think it is necessary to experiment with anyone at all, unless a natural attraction and desire to do so develops.

desiree333's avatar

@Hypocrisy_Central I’ve heard of that, I think while watching The L Word. The fact that it’s one of my favourite TV shows kind of makes me think I’m gay. I remember someone (I think Alice) said all lesbians are straight, until they’re not. I’m really leaning on the gay side, I don’t really feel emotionally, sexually, or romantically attracted to men.

@hawaii_jake Regarding the beach test: Definitely the woman for all three answers. I actually play that game with myself when at the mall, park etc. It’s always the woman.. I notice women for their beauty and bodies. I only notice men for their style (if they dress nice) or their bone structure, like in their face. I never look at their bodies. Anyone can look at both sexes and recognize beauty, but I only pay attention to women’s bodies, not just if they are pretty. The only thing that causes me to linger on a guy is if he is dressed very sharply, and if there is a woman then they will probably get my attention. Oh, I plan to give it time. I just graduated high school and plan to start figuring things out when I start uni next month. By that I mean start experimenting, but not coming out or anything.

@ANef_is_Enuf It’s not that I need a label, because no one will know it anyways. I just wish I could sort together my feelings. I don’t like being confused and wish I could just know for sure who I am.

DesireeCassandra's avatar

I used to wonder the same thing you are. I started experimenting with guys thinking that I just needed to “find the right one”. I finally realized that I am gay, and I and like guys company and even think some are cute (rarely) but I could never be in an actual relationship with one.

Just my personal experience. Hope it helps! :)

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t think it is necessary.

Now your rejection of Catholicism is becoming more clear

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Many gay people haven’t ever been with the opposite sex and yet they feel they’re gay. I’d think you’d want to try all sexes and sexual experiences but if you’re not even attracted enough to try, then that’s not the sex and/or gender for you. I’m queer, I am attracted to a multitude of bodies, sexes and genders and I haven’t slept with all the different kinds I find attractive but I know that I would if I could.

Mariah's avatar

I don’t think it’s probably necessary, furthermore I don’t think it will necessarily answer your question.

So say you experiment with a girl and feel very turned on, and you experiment with a guy and feel less so. Does that mean you’re attracted to girls only? No, maybe that particular guy just didn’t turn you on. Of course bisexual people are not attracted to all people of both sexes, so this method of “testing” out your sexuality may not give you a good answer.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I’ve said it before and I will say it again…_you fall in love with the person you fall in love with__.

Allow yourself to just “be attracted” to someone…and let yourself love. And if that person is male or female…does it matter? Does it matter what you label yourself? No labels necessary. If later, you think you want to be with a man, be with a man. For now, you seem to like women. Then, go with that. If you never want to be with a man that’s okay, too.

desiree333's avatar

@JLeslie Maybe in a few years when I figure this out it will become a more important aspect as to why I reject it. As of now though, it has little to do with why I do not like Catholicism/organized religion in general.

@Mariah I agree. I think my feelings can point me in the direction I want to go, not necessarily my experiences with certain people sexually.

@DarlingRhadamanthus I wouldn’t mind being with a man, but long term relationships with men do not thrill me. Also since I am not even sexually attracted to them, plus I don’t want a relationship with one I probably will never fall in love with one. We’ll see I guess.

@DesireeCassandra I feel the same way. It’s not that I don’t like men, I just can’t see myself enjoying a relationship with them. Also, do we have the same name?

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@desiree333…....Just enjoy your life and let yourself follow your heart. If you are quiet enough, the answer is already in you…you just have to be quiet to hear it. :)

good luck…you’ll be fine whatever you decide

Only138's avatar

I don’t think its necessary.

emeraldisles's avatar

Absolutely not. Sometimes you just know.

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