Social Question

AshLeigh's avatar

How do you deal with the death of a friend?

Asked by AshLeigh (15001 points ) August 30th, 2011

My friend, Asher, died last night, and I’m having a hard time…
He was beaten to death by his own father.. I miss him…

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33 Answers

beccagolling's avatar

Oh my god that is horrible. I am so sorry dear. [Hugs] I do not know it would be very hard for me to do. I’m sorry I can’t be more help, I just feel so bad, I wish I could do more. If you need to talk or anything you can message me. I’m a good listener :)

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. This tragedy must weigh on your heart greatly.

It may not be what you want to do right now, but here is a good article on grief.

Remember to breathe. Remember to feel all your emotions and hold nothing back. Remember the love you had for your friend.

Remember that in a small way the community of Fluther is here for you.

lillycoyote's avatar

God, I am so sorry! I have “dealt with,” experienced, gone through, the death of both my parents but nothing like what you’re going through now. Please stay with us @AshLeigh! I’m not saying we are the best resource to get you through this but we are at least one resource to help you get through this and we are here for you. Hang in there, my friend, please!

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

It takes time, but it does get easier. Remember your friend fondly, and share stories with other people who knew him and loved him. Sharing happy stories is very healing. Hugs to you.

athenasgriffin's avatar

I’m so sorry! My best friend’s boyfriend in high school committed suicide, and it is a completely different situation, but I remember how hard it was for her to go thorough that. People might try to crowd around you wondering what happened (that is what happened with her) and that makes the situation so much harder to handle. It might not seem like it now, but eventually the hurt and the anger will fade a little bit. All I can say is that having a really good support group right now will make it easier for you. You might feel tempted to keep it all inside, and that can be a good way of making it through this crisis period, but eventually you should talk to your friends and family about how this makes you feel. Just to get that weight off your shoulders.

Hibernate's avatar

The way he died is awful.

It’s hard to deal with these sort of things. It takes time to adjust. And it mainly depends on the person. For instance I deal with things like this easy because I see it as a natural thing. But there are people who can’t let go that easy. You should mourn him. After he’s buried go to the grave and talk to him. At some point you’ll find some relief [I think].

Things like this do not go away in time. While the feeling might seem to fade away it’s just because you won’t think that much of him. Because when you do think of your good times that feeling will return.

I hope you’ll be well.

JessicaRTBH's avatar

@AshLeigh – I am so very sorry. That is absolutely horrific. I’m crying just reading this. I’m sure none of my words could help but I’d like to say you recognizing that you’re having a hard time (very much normal and expected) and reaching out to people is very smart. It will be hard and honestly the circumstances may make it even more difficult to accept. It’s unfair, tragic, and sudden. Try not to be surprised if you experience anger in addition to many strong emotions regarding this situation. I know it sounds silly but trying not to let those feelings take you over is what I’ve done in similar situations in my life. When a friend I knew from work was murdered I was filled with rage and so many feelings I couldn’t even pinpoint. It started to change me. I had to step back and ask myself ‘Is this honoring my friend? Would they want me to be thinking like the person who took their life? Would they want me to be so angry?’ I’m not saying I was homicidal but talking with people made me realize I was angry they were no longer here, angry about how it happened, not seeking revenge. It helped me find a bit of peace. I think about that person fondly and focus on the positive memories we had. It’s really not easy.

augustlan's avatar

I’m so, so sorry for your loss.

picante's avatar

This is horribly tragic. I am so sorry for your loss and for the state of humanity in which this occurred. I grieve with you and for you.

filmfann's avatar

I am so sorry to hear this.

I usually cope with a friends death by keeping them in conversations with others. I will tell funny stories about them, or very touching things they did.
It keeps them on the “glad I knew them” side of my head, rather than the sad side.

smilingheart1's avatar

Ashleigh, allow yourself the time you need to experience the emotions you feel. Cry, find support to talk it over with as much as you need, people on line, or people in your own local social world. Know that this is evil, evil, evil and is not how life is supposed to be. There are good and gentle people who would love to be there for you to help you heal. Keep reaching out to others and nurture yourself, Asheligh.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I can give you an honest answer, but it’s not the nicest answer. Would you like to hear it or not I’ll leave it up to you.

Pele's avatar

I’m so sorry for your loss. Beyond words you must feel awful right now. This is were you think of the best memories of your friend, and look at the blessings around you. I had a dear friend that was murdered. I understand. The best way I handled it was to honor my friend by egnologing the good he brought into everyones life, and to not forget. To help me cope I also egnologed the blessings that surrounded everyone he touched. Think of the best, and honor her. Sorry that’s the best advice I could give. What your going through is heavy. Wish I could have given a better answer.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Jesus! How old was he, if I may ask?

It’s not easy to cope with when someone close to you is taken from you violently and suddenly. I had to cope with this repeatedly in Vietnam. The only thing I can tell you is to cry and grieve for them, then try and live your life in such a way as to honor them and in some small way to make up for their not being here to finish their own life out. It’s never easy, but living for them really does help.

AshLeigh's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe, I guess. Go ahead.
@CaptainHarley, he died about an hour before he turned sixteen… ” It’s never easy, but living for them really does help”... That reminds me.. I wrote a Haiku…

Asher has to live,
vicariously through you.
Do not let him down.

Everyone else,
Thank you for taking the time to answer. I lurve you all…

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

The honest answer is you deal with it forever. You let someone into your heart and they’re gone, then there is always going to be a hole in your heart. In time the pain goes from terrible to something you can live with. Keep as many momentos of the person as you can. That’s one thing I wish I had done more. I’m so sorry you had a lose a friend this way. The other thing you do is value the others around you more. That’s one other thing I learned. It helps a little.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Who was it said, “Life is like an onion… you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you cry.”

Pisces's avatar

I’m really sorry.

Sunny2's avatar

@AshLeigh Your haiku is beautiful and apt. I think you never have to “get over” someone you lose by death. He will always be with you in spirit and, in time, your sorrow will ease and you can remember him only with love. In fact, as long as you remember him, he is not gone. He does live on, through you.

gravity's avatar

That is just terribly sad and I am so sorry you are having to cope with this tragedy. I had a long time friend commit suicide about a month ago and I miss him so much. Think of his smile and the happy times you had. I hope it gets easier over time, this was the first experience I have had with losing someone I was close to. ((HUGS))

AshLeigh's avatar

@Sunny2, thanks…

stardust's avatar

I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s an absolute tragedy. It’s a very traumatic thing to have to deal with. It’s something that will stay with you. Over time the pain will become less piercing. You’re in my thoughts @AshLeigh. Take care,x

AshLeigh's avatar

I finally have time to read all of your answers, and reply…
@beccagolling,
[Hugs] Thanks, darlin’. :/
@Hawaii_Jake
It’s so weird how I can just forget to breathe now… I don’t want to feel all of my emotions…
@lillycoyote,
Don’t worry. I plan to “stay with you”.
That’s why I asked this question. When I can’t talk to anyone else, you guys are always here, for support…
@ANef_is_Enuf,
[Hugs]
@athenasgriffin,
I hate when they crowd around… I wish they’d stop.
I think I’m more angry than sad. I’m very sad, but… His own father. :’(
@JessicaRTBH,
“It will be hard and honestly the circumstances may make it even more difficult to accept.”
They really do… He never deserved this…
@filmfann,
I know I should talk to people about him, but it just makes me want to cry. And I don’t want people to worry, or feel sorry for me.
It’s just about Asher…
@smilingheart1,
I’m tired of crying… I know it’s evil. I get so furious every time I think about it. >:( It wasn’t supposed to end that way..
@Pele
I’m doing okay, considering. It’s just weird to think that he’s really gone… Like he can’t be… Like maybe he’ll wake up.
Did you ever feel that way when your friend died?
@Pisces,/AF
I’ll live. Don’t worry, darlin’.
I miss you though.
@gravity,
[Hugs] Thanks…
@stardust,
I sure hope so…

athenasgriffin's avatar

@AshLeigh If you have a really good friend who would be willing to, you can ask him or her to be the one to tell them to go away. It really isn’t any of their business, and someone has to tell them to stop making your life feel so on display. But you obviously don’t really want to be the one to say it, because you are already hurting. So recruit some friends to help you out. Just one friend politely saying, “Excuse me, but I don’t think AshLeigh wants to talk about this right now.” can really make the vultures stop circling.

AshLeigh's avatar

@athenasgriffin,
But you see, the thing is, I’m new to my school this year, so I don’t even know anyone.
So everyone is coming up, and asking why I look so sad, and I don’t even know them…

A2J's avatar

Oh my Lord, I am so sorry to hear of this. Losing someone you love dearly can impact you in so many ways. The manner in which your friend died is so much worse. When I lost a friend who had died when he was young I drew great comfort thinking about the happy times we had together. Please know that your friend is no longer in pain & that, can bring a small amount of relief to you. You may want to attend his father’s trial, but only if you think it will help. I’ll be praying for you hun.

A2J's avatar

@athenasgriffin That is excellent advise, if AshLeigh can get a trusted friend or family member to “run interference” for her at this time.

@AshLeigh Do whatever you need to do to feel “well” as I can understand how this is so overwhelming. Just know you are loved & we’re here for you.

Hibernate's avatar

It’s best not to start telling the story to your new colleagues. Just tell them you had some rough things in your life. At some point your sad expression will be gone from your face and they will stop asking questions.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Life can be so very, very hard and sad. I just wish there was some way I could shield all of the children from such intense sorrow until they were about 30 or so. The only thing sadder in this tired old world than watching an old woman cry, is watching a very young one cry. : ((

AshLeigh's avatar

@Hibernate, I don’t plan to tell the story to them… They didn’t know him, so they don’t need to know.
@Hibernate, that’s very true… :/

AshLeigh's avatar

I’ve been told that time is my best friend.
It’s been one year, today, and the pain has not lessened.

augustlan's avatar

I’m sorry to hear that, @AshLeigh. The pain never really goes away, we just learn to deal with it a little better. {hugs}

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@AshLeigh One year is not long in a lifetime. The pain is still going to be there. And probably the first anniversary is the toughest. Hang in there, remember him, and hold on to the memories. Yeah it hurts. But you had him for a while. Don’t lose what you had.

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