Do you have advice for a couple moving in together?

Personally 9 months would be too soon for me to move in with an SO. But I can see how that’s a practical solution for you right now.

Your girlfriend has already given you the best piece of advice, pre-agree to touchy subjects like bills, taxes, rent, cleaning, groceries, chores, hiring help and maintenance. Don’t be shy about this, get your thoughts out there otherwise you could land into a very awkward situation.

I wouldn’t do it (you asked, I gave my opinion lol). But it’s not anyones fault; with economic uncertainty, people need to be saving money and it’s only logical to move in with someone you’re comfortable with. It could have been a stranger that ended up screwing you over.

I would move in because it’s financially beneficial, but that’s all. But I also don’t know how compatible you guys are, it could work out beautifully, and I hope it does. Goodluck.

I think moving in with someone that you don’t know if you love is not a good idea.

It is a mess to untangle things like finances and furniture if you break up.

Cohabitation puts some stress on a relationship. You have to work at keeping the romance alive while dealing with all of the day-to-day of living together.

I never had the opportunity to move in with another person. But, I can tell you some whopping stories of couples that made major mistakes BEFORE moving in together. Most of this information comes from domestic violence police calls I have answered.

Number one big mistake is not have a written contract between the two people. In this contract, write out the resposibilities of each person as it pertains to chores in the apartment and financial obligations of each partner. So many times, one person has left and the other person is left holding the bag on rent payments, utilities, etc. Put it in writing so that you have something that is legal, to take to court, IF the partnership is dissolved.

1. be respectful of each other’s space
2. share laundry duty
3. don’t be sloppy (clean up after yourselves)
4. try to split the expenses 50/50

I agree with @marinelife. My first reaction was that if you are not in love with her, don’t move in with her. It is a serious step to move in with someone. Bigger than getting engaged. About as big as getting married.

I don’t have a problem with the nine month thing. I’ve known I wanted to live with someone within weeks, and I’ve always been right about that. But then, I also knew I loved them. I knew I wanted to marry my wife within about three weeks of meeting her. We’ve been together for about 25 years and while it hasn’t always been easy, I have never regretted it.

The problem with moving in is that if things go bad, it is very very difficult to separate. You have to decide who will move out. You have to find another place. You have to separate belongings, and generally this is all done in an atmosphere of acrimony. If you don’t love the person, you’re not committed to working through the problems and that means you have a much greater chance of running into problems that will terminate the relationship.

Think of moving in as being like getting married. If you are ready for that level of commitment, do it. If not, you better hope you get to that point soon.

You’ve got some great advice above; and if you do move in together, I would add that respecting each other’s privacy will likely be an issue. If you two do work out the pre-hab agreement, work in some language around private times/private spaces. Since you both have opportunities to “leave” at will right now, removing that option will increase the stresses around privacy.

If I didn’t read the details of your question, my advice would be, only if you are in love.
But I read it and my advice now is this, only if you are in love. : )

I think, most importantly, having a very open and self examing discussion about expectations is tantamount to avoid any unspoken ideals of what living together or marriage might mean.

Relationship dynamics are ever changing and it is especially important to examine expectations.

Do you automatically assume that your girlfriend “should” do the lions share of the housework simply because that is your programming of part of what a woman “does”?

Does your girlfriend assume that being the “man” automatically means certain tasks are your “job” by default of her programming?

It really can be surprising how many relationship “beleifs” can can come wiggling out of the woodwork when couples couple up. lol

Best advice, be aware that things and circumstance are ever changing and you both must be open to re-evaluating on a regular basis.

Only move in together if you can look her in the face and believe yourself when you say, “I love you”. If you are not in love then don’t do this yet. You’re more than friends, more than roomies but not yet serious life partners so it can only be awkward is she’s looking at this as a sign you are there, you are ready, you’re in love when in reality, you’re in like and just want a more convenient set up.

Err on the side of caution and wait because as others have written in different threads, untangling (amicably) shared belongings, attachments to pets and sorting finances to re establish apart is a BITCH.

Only because I’ve known you for awhile, here on Fluther, the most important thing that I would suggest to you is that you get some couples counseling before you make any plans to move in together. I think nine months is way too soon for a couple to move in together, unless they literally knew each other as friends such as having gone to grade school and high school together, otherwise, 9 months is not enough time to truly know someone well enough and in your case even more so.

When I first joined Fluther which was about a year ago, you were literally suicidal. You may not be that way now, but your girlfriend (and you) need to realize that that is how you deal with serious disappointment. There are a whole lifetime of disappointments and tragedies that may happen to you or your girlfriend throuought the course of your life, but if you can’t learn better ways to cope, then you are going to end up back in the same boat that you were a year ago if someone close to you passes away, you lose your job, or your girlfriend decides you aren’t meant to be together.

Couples counseling is not just fo rpeople who have problems, it’s also for people who are looking to move their relationships to the next level. The counselor (clergy or layman) will bring up hundreds of topics and lots of questions for you both to consider, that you may have never considered, or just assumed that you knew the answer. Sometimes things are not as they seem, but when you put those questions right out there in front of you both and you have to really think about it and let the other person know how you feel, it can be very enlightening. It can also bring up potential red flags that you guys can deal with now, instead of 5 years down the line when you are married and have a child.

You need to know how each of you feels about money, if it’s important for one of you to make more than the other, if it’s OK for one of you not to work when/if the children come, what are your spending and saving habits? Are they compatible? Will you be dividing up all of your income equally with equal access to the money? Who will be in charge of the check book, paying the bills, will you guys be creating a home budget? Will either one of you be likely to use money as a weapon? To hold over the head of the other person if you get angry with them? Do you have a specific plan about how you will start saving to buy a home? Do you want to buy a home together or would you prefer to always rent?

Another important set of questions involves children. Do you both want them? If only one of you wants kids, which one of you will give into the other person’s desires to have or not have children? Will making that decision, to go against your own desires create resentment over time? What happens if your girlfriend gets pregnant before you are ready for a family? Will she have an abortion? Give the child up for adoption? Give the child to your parents to raise? Or go ahead and have the child and hope for the best? What kind of parenting styles do you each have? Are they similar? If not, who’s way will be used? How do each of you feel about spanking or letting your kids play video games and watching TV or drinking soda or eating fast food?

Another situation to think about is each other’s friends and family. Do you like each other’s friends and families? Do you feel a real bond with them or do you merely tolerate them? How much time is OK for each other’s friends and families to spend at your house? Will you be OK going to the other person’s family home for holidays? Will you need/want to divide up your holiday time between different families? Will it be OK for both of you to spend time without each other while spending time with your own families and friends? Do either of you have any resentments towards the other person’s family or friends influencing your partner or spending too much time with them? Would you accept financial help from the other person’s family if you needed it, and still be grateful, gracious and not resentful? Or would you be too proud to accept help from them?

Where do you both see your relationship going? Are one of you perfectly content to continue to live together indefinitely or does one or both of you want to get married? If you guys want to get married, what is the time frame and is it based upon saving up a certain amount of money for a wedding or having enough money to put a down payment on a house? Or having a better job or moving to a better city?

What kind of personalities to both of you have when you are sick? Do you become needy, or whiny or mean? Are you both able to compassionately care for the other person should he/she become sick or handicapped or mentally ill? What would you do if any of those things happened?

What are your housekeeping ideas like? Neatniks and slobs make for terrible roomates. It’s ususually harder on the neatnik because that person will be the one doing most of the chores. Although the slobs can become resentful if the neatniks treat them like children and constantly have to hear criticism and nagging and admonishments. People don’t always have the same skill levels and/or desires for housework. You should try to figure out what both of you are best at, and what you can manage and tolerate. These ideas about dividing up house work don’t even need to be equal (they rarely are) but they need to be agreeable and doable for both parties and they should always be subject to re-negotiation if the plan doesn’t seem to be working.

So I would highly reccomend going through a series of what is often called “pre-marital” counseling with either your clergy person or a lay couples counselor. But ask and answer all of these hard questions and get it all figured out before you make any decisions to move in together. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.

Good luck to you @tedd! I hope it all works out. You’re a good guy and you deserve to have a happy life. Just prepare yourelf for that happy life first : )

You will never know until you try! If you can see yourself with this woman this time next year and the year after, don’t question it do it.

How to tell if you love her? Well can you imagine her with anyone else? If you did how does that feel? There is your answer, go with your gut!

Do not do anything just for practical reasons, there is her feelings for you to consider too!

Rent the apartment in one of your names. Same person owns the dishes, and pots and pans.
It just makes it easier if things don’t work out.