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tigerlilly2's avatar

Advice about Wedding Problem?

Asked by tigerlilly2 (1243 points ) September 12th, 2011

I’m getting married in five days and so far, everything has been great with the planning. Yesterday, my fiance sent text messages to everyone in the bridal party reminding them of the rehersal in four days. One of his groomsmen did not reply to the text, so he messaged him again. ‘Dave’ as I’m going to call him, told my fiance that he could not make it to the wedding because he was having a party for his birthday and apologized. However, his friend’s actual birthday was today and he has already had a party according to several of his friends and statuses he has posted on Facebook. He has known about our wedding for months and always told us he could attend. My fiance was extremely upset as to why his friend would do this to him and wants my advice as to what to do with his so called ‘friend’. Should he ignore him from now on? Should he forgive his friend and forget about it or should he simply tell his friend that that kind of behavior is unnacceptable?

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32 Answers

BeccaBoo's avatar

Is there something under laying going on there? You need to find out why he does not want to go, people don’t usually pull out without good reason!

tigerlilly2's avatar

There is a girl that ‘Dave’ is friends with, who is very dramatic. She got into an argument with my fiance and since Dave, her and my fiance are all friends, we think that she is trying to turn Dave against my fiance. It’s all very childish.

BeccaBoo's avatar

Hmmmm…maybe you should pay her a visit. Don’t allow this brat to spoil your big day!

chyna's avatar

First, are you getting a replacement for his place in the bridal party?
Has he already had his suit/tux fitting?
If I was your husband to be, I’d ask what was going on, why the sudden bail out. I cannot conceive of a reason, other than a death in his family that would excuse him from the wedding that had been planned for months. If this is over the guys girlfriend girlfriends come and go it’s a shame, but he chose her over his friend. I’d write him off.

rebbel's avatar

One would get the impression that this guy is lying about his not being able to attend due to his birthday, which he, according to others, has already celebrated, but on the other hand, maybe he has a second celebration day (for family maybe?).
It would be proof of high stupidity had he really been lying about it (I mean, the other friends told you about the party, not to mention he published on Facebook about it, and one would assume that he realises that that is a rather public media).
If he, for whatever reason, didn’t feel like attending your marriage he could have thought of a more solid ‘white lie’ surely.
The thing for your future husband to do would/could be: ask the friend directly if he really has a birthday party (“cos I thought you may be already had it?”) and tell him that he would appreciate it when he would attent.

Edit: I just read about ‘Dave’s’ girlfriend and the quarrel.
Tthat must be it then.
If so, that would be pathetic and a reason (for me) to let go of him.

AmWiser's avatar

Well I must say that is some so called friend. Your fiance wasn’t invited to the birthday bash! Right now he (fiance) should be concentrating on the wedding and trying to find a replacement usher. Worry about how to deal with this so called friend after the honeymoon. And I hope it’s a long honeymoon.

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. May it be a beautiful wedding (and life).

Jeruba's avatar

I don’t see any sense in challenging his lame excuses. In fact, if he doesn’t want to be there, I would let him off and be done with him rather than have his negative attitude so close to the center of the event.

If this were my wedding, I would not seek someone new at the last moment. I would just let the numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen be unequal and not worry about symmetry. Focus on your event and the wedding party you do have, and be grateful that it won’t include any big babies.

As to how your fiance and his disappointing friend relate after the wedding, that’s not something he has to decide between now and the wedding, and it’s not something that you will ever have to decide.

tigerlilly2's avatar

@AmWiser you know, that’s an excellent point that he hadn’t invited my fiance to the wedding! thank you for your well-wishes (:

@chyna the friend had been fitted for the suit, saddly. My fiance has found a replacement though, which on such notice is nothing short of a miracle!

@rebbel I agree 100% that there is something extremely fishy about his story.

Kardamom's avatar

I think your fiance should write a short, thoughful note (not in any accusatory tone) to this groomsmen and say something like, ” Dear Dave, me and @tigerlilly2 were really stunned and disappointed that you decided not to be in our wedding just five days before the event. I’m having a hard time understanding what happened. You said you were having a birthday party, but you’ve known for months that we were getting married on this date and you never mentioned a conflict with dates until now. @tigerlilly2 is hurt and of course it’s a minor inconvenience (not really it’s actually quite inconvenient). I consider you to be a good friend, but I really kind of feel like you’ve let us down and I really don’t know what to think. It’s not like you were sick or there was a death in the family. Is there something else going on? Have we done something to offend you? If we have, I’d like to sit down with you and put it right. If something else is going on, please let me know. You’re a friend. I just need to know what happened. Please call me.”

This way, it’s there in black and white, but it also puts the ball right in Dave’s court. And it let’s Dave think about it for awhile, without having to come up with something right on the spot, like if it would be if your fiance texted or phoned him and they had to have this conversation on the spot.

I think Dave owes you both an explanation, but don’t expect to get one. If your fiance doesn’t get a good, plausible explanation and maybe another heartfelt apology, then I think he should write this guy off. But give him a chance to come clean first.

chyna's avatar

Ok, so you’ve taken care of the replacement, then forget about him, you’re getting married in five days! Woo hoo, congratulations! Focus on you, your wedding, your honeymoon, your husband to be. Don’t even think about this jerk one more second. This is your day, don’t let him ruin it.

zenvelo's avatar

You’ve got a replacement, now both you and the groom just enjoy your day. There will be enough people in your social circle letting the former friend know that he is jerk. And if you see him again, I would be polite but distant. The only path to reconciliation would be if he apologizes profusely and gives you a good reason for his behavior.

And if his girlfriend has caused this, he is already living in hell.

Congrats and have fun!!!

Blueroses's avatar

If Dave’s excuse is true (a big if, it sounds), it is extremely poor form for him to schedule his personal party on the day he knew you were getting married. Be grateful for the true friend who stepped up to replace the self-centered jerk. Don’t give Dave another thought. Enjoy your wedding and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It should go without saying that someone who accepts to be a participant in a wedding party doesn’t schedule other events ahead of their agreed upon responsibilities. These are mostly nonexistent anymore but rehearsals are important.

Have your fiancee cut his guy loose, say he understands his friend’s conflicting parties and so expects his friend to understand he/friend won’t be able to be part of the ceremony everyone else is rehearsing for.

marinelife's avatar

Your fiance has to decide how he is feeling toward this guy and what he wants to do. If it were me, I would no longer consider the guy a friend, and I would not seek him out or have anything to do with him. If I met him on the street or at a mutual friend’s house, i would turn my back on him. If there was to be any making up, the impetus would have to come from him.

But for now, your fiance (and you) should just let this go and enjoy the wedding. Perhaps tell Dave that since he couldn’t make the rehearsal, you will not expect him for the wedding.

flo's avatar

I wouldn’t want a “friend” like that.

Hibernate's avatar

I’m sorry. Why does he not ask this question? It seems you are looking for an answer for him .. I was to be him and you’d come to me with “well .. hear me for a second… I asked some people and they told me you should not talk to Dave anymore because of what he didn’t do”. You future husband has to decide for himself how to approach this.
I’m sorry if I seem rude but no matter how good your relationship is/will be I suggest you don’t suffocate him with every small things.

A few weeks ago I had a friend who married. Good friends could not attend to the wedding and they were supposed to be brides maids. No one got upset because of it even if some of them didn’t have a plausible reason.

I know it’s rude to be “canceled” like this with no prior notice or anything but Dave decides if he wants to come or not. You invited him now the decision is his. There’s nothing mroe to be added here.

Pandora's avatar

Your fiance should see if he can get a relative to fill in and let his friend know that since he already said that he won’t be able to make it, that you had to give his position to someone else and that, if he changed his mind and wanted to come that he no longer could come to the reception because you had to his his place to this other person. But that he is still welcome to come as a guest to the actual wedding. He will feel like a jerk but at least he will realize there are consequences to him behaving badly before his friends big day. Your fiance should explain that normally he would want to know what is wrong but he can’t afford another melt down before the big day and needed someone reliable.
Worry about the drama after the wedding. Not before. If he was a truly good friend he would’ve explained to his girlfriend that he could no ruin his friends day, simply to make her happy.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Trust me, focus on your wedding and having fun at this point. Do not let this behavior spoil anything for you, you’ll figure it out later (if you care to do so). This time if for you and your fiancee and don’t spend another second on people like that.

flo's avatar

It sounds like Dave is trying to cross the fiance off the friends list or it may be his idea of getting back at him for some past thing.
@Hibernate his friendship to this “friend” affects her directly, so I don’t see how it is just her fiance’s business, and I don’t know how it is related to “suffocate him with every small things.”

Hibernate's avatar

@flo while this is a common problem for both she is the one trying to take action or make him notice it. I’m sure he knows about the problem and he is dealing with it in his own way. I expressed my own point of view and I stick to it. I find it rather insulting when someones tries to point me out that I need to take action in a particular problem. Okay .. it’s an important issue but they are grown ups and she shouldn’t be bothered that much.
I understand they had to include him at the restaurant after the ceremony .. it’s much simpler to just invite someone else to fill his place or just visit him in 2–3 months and tell him “you need to pay for that meal even if you didn’t come .. it’s not our fault you are not a man of your word”. I had to pay for “mistakes” like this a lot but I did not mind.
Oh and @flo… it all starts with things like this. Maybe she won’t realize it now but it’s just a start. I know couples should talk about problems but it’s not good to just start thinking for your partner.

chyna's avatar

@Hibernate Did you even read her details? My fiance was extremely upset as to why his friend would do this to him and wants my advice as to what to do with his so called ‘friend’. Should he ignore him from now on? Should he forgive his friend and forget? Her fiance asked her advice.

AmWiser's avatar

@tigerlilly2 Please be sure to give us an update after the big day. ° _ °

Hibernate's avatar

@chyna is “my fiance was upset and wants MY advice” equals to picking the one that suits you best in this particular situation while hearing other peoples advices/ways of thinking? ehm .. NO. I wasn’t trying to be aggressive or anything I just wanted to help out. Seems I’m getting picked on because others read in my posts different things that what I intended. Excuse me.

chyna's avatar

@Hibernate My response was in response to yours: Oh and @flo… it all starts with things like this. Maybe she won’t realize it now but it’s just a start. I know couples should talk about problems but it’s not good to just start thinking for your partner This tells me you are saying she is doing the thinking for her partner, which is not the case. Her fiance asked her for her opinion. If that is not how you meant your post, then I’ve read it incorrectly.

Hibernate's avatar

So we have a problem. I ask you for your advice. If it’s not important you can reply there on the spot or say you need time to think about it. This was not the case. She came to share the problem and ask for a solution but I’m not so sure any reply she might have for him will be her own. He wanted HER advice not ours. This is why I said she started thinking for him.
This reminds me of similar situations. It’s not that related but with similar aspects. A couple gets into trouble [doesn’t matter what trouble] and when it comes to solving that trouble either her or him go and talk to the mother/mother in law to try and solve it even if they discussed the problem with the partner.

I’m all for helping and such but some problems should be dealt right there on the spot. I understand the groom is not happy about the situation but it’s not their fault [the couple].

flo's avatar

@Hibernate What is the problem with a person asking (like many of us do in a Q&A sites (because of the impartial people answering) and seeing the different ways people look at a situation, learning, and then come to our own conclusion?

Your opinion is also one of the opinions, don’t forget, so if you felt as you wrote some problems should be dealt right there on the spot then why did you give your opinion?

Also you consider this a small thing, and it is not. His friends and her friends are common.

@chyna thanks for pointing out the obvious.

tigerlilly2's avatar

@flo thank you! it’s such a contradiction, I was thinking the exact same thing. There is nothing wrong with getting a second opinion and that’s exactly what this site is for.

tigerlilly2's avatar

@hibernate you are quite mistaken in saying that I’m making a big deal out of this and my fiancé is not. He asked my opinion in the matter because it concerns me as much as him. And it is a rather big way to screw someone when you decide not to be in their wedding when you just don’t want to. You obviously do not understand how much work, planning and timing that goes into every aspect of a wedding.

Hibernate's avatar

@flo okay. Nowhere in the details Dave was mentioned as being her friend because if he was her friend, she would have visited him at his place.[this is just an observation]
I did not say it’s a problem when she asked it here but given all the commotion if it’s a really important problem then she would have take some measures.[another observation]

@tigerlilly2 I organized weddings for friends and I know more than I said. It’s a lot of work but in the end it all comes to who wants to participate. He said he won’t be there because he has other plans… maybe he has a health problem or maybe he just doesn’t want to show up anymore. And it’s all about money. You spent for him and he won’;t participate but you can’t get a refund there so that’s the real problem.

Seems what I said is rather offensive or rude so I won’t reply anymore. Sorry for the inconvenience.

tigerlilly2's avatar

@Hibernate I understand that you wanted to help, but the words you chose to contribute with were offensive. I accept your apology and I think that if you will re-read the question and all responses that you will have a better understanding of why what was said was taken offensively. He was my fiance’s best friend and he made up an excuse about a birthday party that we know for a fact that he has already thrown. He is missing our wedding because of silly drama, and he’s not just a guest he was part of the bridal party. ‘Dave’ wasn’t even going to let us know that he wasn’t coming if we hadn’t of tried to get a hold of him so many times. I guess he just planned on not showing up!

Since we have found a replacement, we are just going to stop worrying about Dave and enjoy ourselves! Thank you for all the well wishes (:

flo's avatar

@tigerlilly2 you’re welcome but I was pointing out the obvious. People at a distance can see things like this a little bit more clearer.
@Hibernate Maybe the fiance has posted the same question somewhere else. If so, neither of them are thinking for each other.

Hibernate's avatar

I’m not here. :)

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