General Question

tianalovesyou's avatar

What do I do in this situation?

Asked by tianalovesyou (692 points ) September 15th, 2011 from iPhone

Last night my teacher sent a email to my mom saying I forgot my notes notebook. My mom freaked last night, and printed it out and taped it everywhere. She said she didn’t want to even take me the school anymore. Now it’s morning and her and my dad are still in their room. I am too scared to open it, because she gets abusive often. Should I just wait? Or should I open the door and see?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

57 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

Could you knock on the door?

Do you mean she taped copies of your notes all over the place, or that she put tape all over one copy of your notes or what?

tianalovesyou's avatar

I mean she taped copies of the email my teacher sent her.

CWOTUS's avatar

I’m guessing that you want a ride to school, and after the conversation from last night it sounds like she may not want to take you, right?

In that case I’d simply ask through the door, “Mom, are you taking me to school today?” and if you get no response, then start walking, or find another route.

janbb's avatar

How old are you?

tianalovesyou's avatar

I am thirteen.

wundayatta's avatar

Taped them to what?

janbb's avatar

How far is school? Can you walk it?

tianalovesyou's avatar

Unfortunately, I can’t. My school is too far away.

tom_g's avatar

Whatever you work out with your “parents”, it sounds like you need to have a discussion with your teacher. Let him/her know that emails like this are not helping. Teachers need to be sensitive to unique or troublesome situations at home.

janbb's avatar

Then I think you do need to knock on their door and ask if they will take you. If your parents are or become abusive, you need to talk to a trusted adult at school or somewhere. @tom_g ‘s suggestion is spot on.

Judi's avatar

I would tell the teacher what happened. If she realizes how irrational your mom gets she might start sending YOU a reminder email instead of mom.
As a mom, I think it is awesome that you have a teacher who will put in that kind of effort. I can’t explain your mom’s reaction, but the teacher needs to know so she can modify her communication with your mom.
So sorry. Not to make excuses, but raising kids is so hard, and when life outside of kids is demanding your attention, the guilt we moms feel when we think we have been neglectful in our parenting sometimes turns into anger. We are really angry at ourselves and take it out on the kid, then we feel even more guilty and it turns into a vicious cycle.
Most of the time, I would catch it early, apologize and ask forgiveness. Some parents don’t even realize what’s happening.
Knock on the door and ask. She will probably be grumpy, but she will be madder if she intends to take you and you don’t wake her up.
When you say abusive, she doesn’t cross the line and become physically violent does she?

I’m a grandma now, so I’m looking at myself in retrospect. the view is much clearer than when I was in the thick of it.

janbb's avatar

Life does get better!

Mariah's avatar

What about a school bus? Do you have a bus?

I agree with @tom_g, by the way.

tianalovesyou's avatar

I tried telling Teachers twice before it both were a diaster. ): my mom just told them I wasn’t telling the truth. @Judi my mom does get physically abusive.
@Mariah unfortunately not.

CWOTUS's avatar

Excellent responses from @tom_g and @Judi. Yeah, after you get through the confusion and awkwardness of “What do I do now about getting to school?” then have a heart-to-heart with the teacher (and with your father, too, away from your mother).

Jude's avatar

@tianalovesyou Do you have a kind neighbor who could take you?

tom_g's avatar

I am feeling very uncomfortable right now. If this is legit, here is someone coming to fluther and reporting abuse. Is there anyone here that can provide some concrete info for her? She needs to get help. Now.

Judi's avatar

This teacher might be different. Tell her what happened when you told the other teachers. If you are being physically abused then you and your mom need a break from each other. Do you have a family member you can stay with for a while? Otherwise, a foster home is better than an abusive home.

tom_g's avatar

@tianalovesyou – I do not have any experience with this, but I can tell you that there are people that can get you help. Hang in there, and I hope there are some people here who can provide some real steps you can take to get help. You do not deserve this.

nikipedia's avatar

Do you have an adult you trust who you can talk to? An aunt, family friend, old teacher, counselor at your school?

Mariah's avatar

I agree with @nikipedia, please please tell somebody at school what is going on. They will believe you this time if you tell everything, I’m sure of it.

tianalovesyou's avatar

I don’t have anyone else that can take besides my dad, who is in the room. And I don’t have any family near me. I don’t really have any adult I trust except for my dad, and he just says “ohh it’s ok honey” and stuff like that. I don’t know how to get help without my mom finding out, because it’s mostly just me and her. My dad is gone most of the time. And my mom thinks it’s funny afterword. A days later, she just laughs about it and pretends it was nothing.

Judi's avatar

I read your other question, do you have an older sister? What does she say about it? You said she weanted to send her to boarding school, maybe she could send YOU to boarding school :-)

tianalovesyou's avatar

I have an older sister, but she is in boarding school. However, when my mom had one of her episodes she was equally getting hit. I was more emotional though, andy mom hated it when we would cry.

tom_g's avatar

@tianalovesyou – Your dad doesn’t sound like the best person to talk to about this. I think you really need to sit down with a counselor or teacher at school and make it clear what you are talking about. You also might want to call a help line. Again, I am not talking from experience here, but you need to let the adult(s) you confide in know that you are serious and it is a problem. If they brush you off, let them know that you are considering reporting this (or have if you already did).

tianalovesyou's avatar

By the way I can hear my parents through the door, and they are not talking about different countries and not about me. I think they are coming.

janbb's avatar

Good luck and get help, please!

Judi's avatar

I know you probably won’t be able to answer until after school, but how does your sister like boarding school? Is this an option for you?

smilingheart1's avatar

@tianalovesyou, does your school have a guidance counsellor that you could see? I am not sure what terms might be applicable for this position, but someone employed to assist the students in their academic paths but also provide emotional support and counselling. I really admire your strength.

john65pennington's avatar

Since when do teachers have parents/students email addresses? This is a new one on me.

Judi's avatar

@john65pennington ; the GOOD teachers do! It’s a great way for teachers to communicate with all the parents at once, and the really good ones, like @tianalovesyou seems to have, will communicate over little things before they become big problems.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@tianalovesyou do you have a camera you could take pictures of the email taped all over the house? If so, take pictures, that way the next time you talk to the teacher, you have proof for when you mom denies it. If the teacher won’t make changes to help you, go to your school’s principal, school nurse, or guidance counselor. You should be able to talk to any of those people to get help.

john65pennington's avatar

I guess we can throw parent/teachers conferences out the window.

For some reason, I do not like this setup.

Judi's avatar

@john65pennington ; this is in ADDITION to parent teacher conferences. Communication is happening that was never possible before. What’s not to like?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@john65pennington We still have parent/teacher conferences as well. Emails have just added another means of communication.

Jude's avatar

Haven’t heard back from her and it bothers me.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@Jude She might be at school.

janbb's avatar

She said her parents were coming so she can probably not talk now.

Judi's avatar

@tianalovesyou , another question, when you get home. Do you go to public or private school?

snowberry's avatar

It sounds like you go to a private school. Otherwise you should be able to take the bus. If your folks refuse to take you, you could always hightail it over to the local public school, and say, “I’d like to enroll myself in classes.” It’s another option, and it would definitely get some attention.

Who knows? It might turn out for the best.

bobbinhood's avatar

@tianalovesyou Do you live in the US? If so, you can use the national child abuse hotline. Taken from the kids’ page of Childhelp:

CALL 1–800-4-A-CHILD (1–800-422–4453) then push 1 to talk to a hotline counselor. The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The hotline counselors work with translators who speak 140 languages to help people who call and speak something other than English. All calls are anonymous. (The hotline counselors don’t know who you are and you don’t have to tell them.)

These people will help you figure out what to do. Since it’s anonymous, it will still be your decision whether to report your mother to child protective services. They can walk you through this and help you know what you need.

@john65pennington The emails replace students bringing notes home to their parents, not parent/teacher conferences. For the most part, emails are much more effective than notes that get “lost”.

john65pennington's avatar

bobbinhood, thanks for the information. I guess that emails would eliminate a lot of forged signatures by students.

Your_Majesty's avatar

Oh my, she’s so paranoid just for a forgotten note! If I were you I’ll tell her to grow up and accept it as a reality, I mean, everyone could forget to bring their notebook, it’s that simply, an accident. She’s way too far to become abusive just because of this silly little problem. Apologize and tell her that this won’t happen again. Go to school by yourself, take a public transportation, or tell your father this issue and let him know how overactive her wife was, and ask him for a drive.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Go to your school’s counselor and tell them your parents aren’t reacting in a way the probably well meaning teachers think. Tell the counselor that whether or not the teachers believe you or your parents, it’s YOU that’s going to get the abuse and fallout at home.

Do you have any other family nearby that would agree to be back up rides to school for the times your folks aren’t responding?

bobbinhood's avatar

@Your_Majesty If you attempt to tell off an abuser, you’re just likely to get more abuse. Abuse is illogical already, so attempting to fight it with logic doesn’t work. Also, yelling back always makes things worse. And the father already knows how his wife is; he just pretends it’s not that bad.

Your_Majesty's avatar

@bobbinhood It may be illogical but it won’t be prompted with no reason. Pardon me, if I miss any previous posts while answering this question but her mother may not realize and need to be made aware about her own abusive behavior. Why wouldn’t logic help in this situation if her mother can understand it regardless of her rough abusive behavior?

Nevertheless, I guess the father is quite careless, or a type of father that kneel before his wife. I agree with the video and law path if she’s really that ready to severe her relationship with her mother or, even (maybe) worse, severe the relationship of her parents. Either choice, it’s her call.

HungryGuy's avatar

You could just stay home and enjoy the day off. If it happens often enough, your parents will get into trouble…

I know some people who has a rebellious teen. The kid wanted to drop out of high school, but the parents wouldn’t let him. He just skipped school and hung out. Eventually, his parents got a letter from the school saying that they would face arrest if the kid missed 2 more days of school. They let him drop out post haste!

bobbinhood's avatar

@Your_Majesty Why wouldn’t logic help in this situation if her mother can understand it regardless of her rough abusive behavior? The odds are that when it comes to her abusiveness, she cannot understand logic. If confronted by the person she abuses, she will likely revert to pure emotion or manipulation and act out abusively. Most abusers are quick to lash out at those they abuse, quick to justify or deny their actions to others, and slow to admit wrongdoing. @tianalovesyou needs help; getting into an argument with her mother won’t fix anything.

tianalovesyou's avatar

Wow, thank you for all the support!!(: My mom ended up coming out of her room, and she yelled at me a lot, but didn’t hit me. We just then drove to school and didn’t talk the rest of the way.
Yes, I do go to a private school. I really really want to go to a boarding school, but it’s too much money. For both of us for four years.
And I’ve tried talking to my friends, but none of them really understood (or thought I was faking it)

tianalovesyou's avatar

An unfortunately, I don’t have a school counselor. My school is too small.

janbb's avatar

Then I suggest you find a teacher or relative you trust and talk to them. No one should have to suffer being abused – no one.

snowberry's avatar

One good way to address the abuse issue is if she hits you hard enough, go to the school or police and show them the bruises. I can’t imagine anyone saying you’re faking it then.

jca's avatar

Even if your school does not have a counselor, the teachers, the nurse and the administration are still Mandated Reporters. That means that they are mandated by law (they don’t have a choice) to report any abuse that you report to them to the child welfare authorities. They don’t have a choice if you tell them, so consider telling them.

All doctors, nurses, teachers, school administrators, therapists, counselors, CASACS, psychologists are mandated reporters.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@jca is right about the mandated reporters. Go to your school nurse and talk to them about it if you can’t go to any of your teachers.

Judi's avatar

I’ve never known a private school to have a school nurse.

jca's avatar

Go to whomever you are comfortable talking to and tell them. It does not have to be a nurse.

emeraldisles's avatar

I’m going through a similar situation right now and it has gotten the the point that I had to tell several people for help

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther