If you have/had decided not to have kids, how would you respond to someone trying to make you feel bad for your decision?

None of their damn business. Furthermore, I’d tell em to leave me the hell alone, and go take care of their kids.

It’s really none of their business. I wouldn’t try to defend myself. I might say something like, “I’m glad your choice works for you. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I’m sure you’ll be a great parent.” Or some bullshit like that.

I think it’s a lot like religious beliefs. It’s not something you can really talk about. People judge harshly. So I think it’s best to ignore it unless it’s a person you can talk to who won’d judge you for it.

Ask them why they are trying to make me feel bad.

Or, a blunt, that is what I decided was right for me.

Fuck you comes to mind first. The second is we didn’t think we’d be good enough parents so we passed. Most people respect that.

I’d ask why they wanted to know. And then I’d ask how they knew we did or didn’t want kids.

My ex and I got asked this fairly often when we were going though infertility treatment for four years. It upset my ex so much she’d usually cry. Those people usually regretted being such insensitive rude assholes.

@JLeslie You call that blunt? I must be a total douche, then, because I had something much more direct in mind.

I ignore it. Most people I come in contact on face to face are only acquaintances, I don’t make the time to explain something so personal about me to them.

@Adirondackwannabe Although, I’d swear that it’s usually the people that seem like they’d be the best parents that decide not to have children lol.

My mom did a 180. She always harped on not having kids, but now she keeps asking me when I’m going to have one….at age 25…...I asked her if she was becoming senile.

@Blackberry GA. Turn’s out we’re great with kids.

So, does ignore mean you just walk away? Change the subject?

A guy delivering wood at my house asked me if I had kids. I said no, and he said “you can still have them.” WTF I said I didn’t want them and he was shocked. Asked me if I hated kids. I said no, I just never wanted any. He continued on about how great kids are, etc. I finally just walked off.

There was a question a while back about how many kids is too many.
Some one linked this video, which I found rather funny.
NOTE: The video is incredibly blunt with it’s topic and throws around foul language like nobody’s business.

It depends on the mood I’m in. I could politely explain why I don’t want children, or I could tell them to go fuck themselves.

Generally, when random people ask me about having children, I politely tell them that is “just wasn’t in the cards for us to have kids”. I let them draw their own conclusions as to why is wasn’t in the cards and thankfully, the questions usually stop there.

However, for the occasional, more persistent inquiries into my ability to breed, I tell people that its a subject I’d rather not discuss and remind them that its incredibly rude to ask someone something so personal.

I have two very young children. Our first child was planned, but not our second one. I know a few of my married friends who have decided not to have kids. That’s their choice. I don’t care. I do hear that they get some flak for not having kids—- like it’s selfish of them not to and that it’s not “right” to be married without having children. Such criticism usually comes from nosey distant relatives and acquaintances, not from strangers.

Personally, I believe that if a couple doesn’t want kids, and they know in their hearts that they want to remain childless, then they have made the right decision for themselves. To have kids because people “expect” you to have them is really morally wrong.

@MRSHINYSHOES I never understood the selfish comment. Does it mean the couple should at least adopt? Or, maybe from a religious point of view that people need to procreate. Or, a family continuation thing, to keep the line going?

@Prosb That was great.

@JLeslie I know a woman that measures the worth of a person not by their deeds or their financial assets, but solely by how many kids and grandkids they have.

I am a little more direct and considerably less nice than my darling wife. I counter with something like, “What the fuck does it matter to you?”, or, “Unlike you, I don’t need a trophy to show the world that my genitals work!”. I find that being nice runs the risk of them pressing the issue and dragging the discussion out longer than I feel like dealing with.

Either that, or I just let my wife answer since she is far more civilized.

@JLeslie I think people believe that if a couple chooses not to have kids, then that means they don’t want to sacrifice themselves to raise children. In other words, you’re married, so you’re supposed to have kids and contribute to the “natural order of things”. Life’s not all about you anymore, it’s about your children. I know it’s silly, but I used to hear this from my parents long ago when they criticized people like my uncle who was married but didn’t want kids. Our family wasn’t Christian, but Confucian principles were just as, if not, even more influential.

Ironically, at first, I never felt any pressure to have children. It’s just that my wife and I couldn’t wait, so we had one within 2 years after we were married. But after our first child, I began hearing comments like “Does she have a little brother or sister? She should”, or “When are you going to have another one?” I just ignored such silly comments.

But one day my wife told me she was expecting again, just a year and a half after our first child. It was totally unplanned and unexpected. I was overjoyed, but also stunned and bewildered. lol…erg.

@jerv LOVE your answers….especially re the trophy…:)

Neither of my kids have kids, one by design and the other cause they couldn’t. Going to see son and his wife tomorrow and I am delighted we get to enjoy each other without small children around….or kids, period. Many people, especially women, tell me how much I must be missing. Not in my book. “Loss” has never occurred to me.

Someone who asks about this has just shown what an invasive jerk they are. I don’t think there is any answer too strong.

@jerv Here’s my trophies! (Mr. Shiny Shoes holding his two little kids by the hands and presenting them to his friends) ;)

@MRSHINYSHOES You got a couple of nice trophies there, sir :)

Relevant

@Raven_Rising Thank you. Well, as I see it, they’re still very young and ‘untarnished’. A bit brassy, perhaps. Especially the littlest one. Lol.

@Blackberry Too funny. I have to say he’s a smart guy, but a persistently dissatisfied and angry one too. lol

@MRSHINYSHOES Well, you know the saying: If you’re not angry, you’re not paying attention.

@Blackberry Yes, indeed. But there’s also the other saying “Life’s too damn short to be angry all the time.” Lol.

@MRSHINYSHOES That is also true. You win lol.

@Blackberry Nah, we both win. Lol.

Miss Manners had a great “one-size-fits-all” rejoinder guaranteed to make busybodies wish they had kept their mouth shut.

“Now, why would you think it appropriate to ask (or intrude upon) something so obviously personal ?”

Really stops everything in its tracks and leaves them uncomfortable instead of you.

I would just restate my position and change the subject. Then, when I’m happily traveling the world, advancing in my career, and devoting my free time to my hobbies, I will laugh at them. Not that those things are guaranteed to happen, or that having children makes them impossible, but that’s the plan.

I say to anyone who is so rude (even when they don’t realize at all that they’re being rude) cheerfully and with a smile: “Wow! This is a really rude thing! Are you always this personal and rude to your clients?” The cheerful tone tends to disarm them and it takes a minute for them to get that they’ve been reprimanded. It’s very effective. Believe me, I had to field a lot of that kind of rude deciding to be a single parent.

@JilltheTooth Your response is much more pleasant than mine. I had a bad day.

@Adirondackwannabe : Only more pleasant on the face of it, as it’s a slammin’ blindside in reality.

@JilltheTooth You’re right. That is friggin cool. Remind me never to engage in a battle of brains with you. :)

My wife and I really wanted kids and due to my infertility, we had to work really hard to have them. We love them, and our kids both talk about having kids when they grow up.

I’ve heard many people say they don’t want to have kids because they don’t think they would be good parents. They say they had bad parents and they wouldn’t want to pass that on to their kids, as if it was inevitable that you would be the same parent your parents are.

I have someone studying that issue right now, interestingly enough. What they are studying is the extent to way the having a bad parent thing cuts both ways. Sometimes it leads to a perpetuation of bad parenting, and sometimes to the opposite, as the person seeks to do the opposite of what their parents did.

I don’t like it when people say they won’t be a good parent because I think that’s not true. You don’t have to be your own father or mother. In fact, if you recognize the mistakes your parents made, it is highly unlikely you will repeat them. I think I’d much rather they had kids than many of the people who do have kids.

Some people say they don’t like kids. I respect that. Some people say they don’t want to add to overpopulation. I think they don’t understand demographics, but I respect that. Some people say that they want to have fun and kids cramp their style. I respect that.

I don’t think anyone has a duty to have kids. In fact, I think all kids should be wanted—really wanted. If you don’t want them, it doesn’t matter the reason, don’t have them. We don’t need more unwanted kids in the world. But I do think some of the reasons people say they don’t want kids are mistaken. I think they really do want kids but are not doing it because they think they will hurt the kids when they really wouldn’t hurt them. That’s when I question them, but not too much. Just enough to try to make sure they have considered that maybe they could responsibly have their true desire.

@MRSHINYSHOES Ironic that some people would call it selfish to have kids.

I’d think it pretty idiotic that they assume to know what’s best for me. I know my life far better than they do.

I don’t know how I’d react (this is a completely hypothetical question for me) but I would probably try to explain to them all the risks that having children would have to both the baby and myself. In my mind, though, I would be thinking “I don’t need to explain my decisions to you, asshole.”

@Mariah : Unfortunately, most people who would approach you with a ‘tude about not having children don’t want to hear your explanations, they just want to tell you what they think. A close friend, in a nice conversation, is entitled to hear your reasons. A stranger is not. You don’t owe them an explanation or even a civil rejoinder.

One of my friends, who shared my lack of desire to have children came up with a pretty good come back that was true, but also not insulting to those well meaning folks who can’t stop themselves from asking you why you don’t have/want kids.

She would say, “Oh ha ha, I have hard enough time taking care of myself and my SO and my cat.” Other times she would say, “I tend to get anxious around children, better leave the parenting to folks who are better eqipped.” or ” I love to have my sister’s kids over to my house, but I love it more when I get to give them back.”

Our response has been fairly consistent to the effect of “Yeah, I’ll be sure to get right on that.” Delivered with a heap of sarcasm, a smile that implies nothing friendly, and stare that implies worse it usually gets the subject changed right quick. (Though I admit I was a lot more patient and interested in discussing it with close friends when the subject came up.)

Bottom line, their opinion on the subject has nothing to do with us, and while we’re happy to explain why the decision is what it is, we’ve no need or care to justify it.

Geez, it’s hard enough dealing with “So when are you having your girl?” Like I have a son and so logically (?) would have to have a daughter to complete the matching set. One shit-tastic pregnancy was enough for me, thanks.

I generally shrug it off, but I’m considering putting on a terribly sad face and saying I had an emergency hysterectomy. That’ll teach the bastards to ask personal questions of complete strangers.

@Seek_Kolinahr I sometimes tell the truth that I had two ectopics and three other miscarriages, kind of hoping it will shut them up, or embarrass them for asking, and usually what happens is they ask, “have you thought of adopting?” Well, no, I had never thought of that. The labotomy I had removed the very part of my brain that can hold knowledge regarding adoption as a possibility. ~

It’s true, then, that in order to ward off prying strangers with big mouths, one must indeed carry a whiffle-ball bat.

@Seek_Kolinahr I prefer Mace. Not the pepper spray; the melee weapon.

I’d bascially tell them that they are not going to make me feel about about how I feel and what I want. I already made my decision and I’m not changing my mind. I’m happy with my decision. If they are uncomfortable or have a problem with it then they can leave.

@JilltheTooth Oh certainly, that’s just how I think I would react (I have no spine when it comes to confrontation).

@JLeslie Selfish to have kids? I never heard of that.

@MRSHINYSHOES Maybe multiple kids, due to the lack of concern for the planet? Lol.

@MRSHINYSHOES Yes. Concerns about overpopulation. People having babies who cannot afford to care for them well, because they want children. People having babies when there are so many who need to be adopted. Teens having babies without being ready for the responsibility. Etc. I am not saying those things, I am just relaying what is sometimes said. I remember a Q on fluther, cannot remember what the main question was, but a huge number of answers talked about not having biological kids because they felt it wasn’t right for the planet, society, and other reasons.

@JLeslie Yes, I can see lazy welfare moms doing that for sure. They have no consideration for those who are responsible—- the truly hardworking and dedicated parents who deserve to have kids. They deliberately don’t use birth control, which only worsens the overpopulation problem.

@MRSHINYSHOES I think @JLeslie was also mentioning some people’s opinion that we either should stop reproduction as much as possible, or have a single child at most.
They say, more kids we have, the more resources they eat up, and if you have even a few kids, it multiplies exponentially.

It makes sense, but people aren’t going to stop having kids just like that, they’re not that selfless.

@Prosb I see her point and I agree. What bothers me are the single moms out there who deliberately have more kids than they can support, go on welfare, and like you said, eat up all the resources we responsible parents deserve.

Yes, I wish we could force them to use birth control. Lol.

Imagine how many poor potential parents could prevent pregnancy provided the proper prophylactics were available via nationalized healthcare. Just saying. I know if I could get a tubal ligation at no cost, I’d dive on that in a heartbeat.

I didn’t really intend the alliteration, but completely accidentally got about five words in, and just decided to run with it. ^_^

@seek

You’re familiar with the old military acronym ?

Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance :)

@Seek_Kolinahr Is there no organization or fund that helps women get tubal ligations?

Not that I know of. It’s a voluntary surgery. I know of HMOs that won’t cover it. Which is hilarious considering how much money one would save in the long run on OBGYN visits and birth control pills/patches/rings/whatever… not to mention any number of pregnancies, children, and/or abortions.

@Seek_Kolinahr I am pretty sure the insurance my girlfriend had covered her tubal block, I think it is called tubal implants? But, I don’t doubt some insurance doesn’t cover it. Her complaint was her regular hospital is Catholic and they wouldn’t let her just schedule it, it would have had to go through a review board of some sort and get approved. She just went ahead and went to another hospital, but she was pissed. Luckily she lives in a place that is densely populated with many hospitals within reasonable distance.

I’d say, “I’m 64, my wife is 69, there are already too many mobile smog generators on the roads as is, and with the world’s population approaching 7 billion, this planet isn’t exactly suffering from a shortage of people, so we’re doing our part to ensure that things don’t get any worse”.

I simply ignore them. It’s no ones business but my own and, quite frankly, I don’t get why someone would have a problem with another person deciding against having kids. Thankfully I don’t experience much criticism for my decision. I get the odd person telling me that I might regret my decision in years to come and maybe they’re right.