Social Question

spittingamethyst's avatar

How can I make things right with my mom and just move past this whole thing?

Asked by spittingamethyst (246 points ) September 22nd, 2011

My mom and my ex have never really liked each other, and they have their reasons. On my Facebook status they were joking around and getting smart with each other. And my mom is a cop. And my ex made some not so nice comments about cops. And things got taken too far. Now she’s telling me to delete him and not talk to him, but I kinda like him and I think he likes ne too. And I REALLY don’t want to do that. How can I get her to calm down about the whole thing? Please help me. I’m very upset.

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25 Answers

digitalimpression's avatar

This question only brings up my own questions…

If this person is your ex, why are you so interested in him?

Why would he make negative comments about cops? Cops don’t get enough credit imho.

zensky's avatar

Yep. GA.

boxer3's avatar

what was said?
I know sometimes it’s frustrating, when feelings still linger for people from the past-
but I’ve gotta say- I love my mom a whole lot, and disrespecting her is just as bad as
directly disrespecting me if not worse-

When I was in highschool only once did my mom dislike someone I was seeing-
he had an idea that my parents were not his biggest fans, but he never showed them any disrespect- or honestly I’d have been having a word or two with him myself.

family first.

Seek's avatar

Several questions before I can give a real answer.

How old are you?

Do you live with your mother?

Isn’t this guy your “ex” for a reason?

Does that reason line up with the reason your mother doesn’t like him?

Do you respect your mother’s opinion?

spittingamethyst's avatar

Well my mom kinda started it. And one of the reasons we broke up was because of issues with my family. So, I kind of agree with him. But then at the same time, I just want my mom to be understanding about this. And he made comments about corrupt cops .

boxer3's avatar

@spittingamethyst , if you really want to squash it regardless about how I feel about, I think him apologizing would be a good place to start, and then let time play out.

Pandora's avatar

Ok, I always say ex’s should stay just that. The moment they get their walking papers, that should be it, unless you both just agreed that you were better off just as friends. In which case I have to wonder why are you so interested in him now. Is it that maybe you get some pleasure out of making your mom miserable? Or is it he dumped you and you never got over him?
I think its all fair if both he and your mom just agree not to have anything to do with each other. He more than likely said stuff to your mom about cops because he knew it would upset her.
He should appologize and then he should avoid any comments about cops on your facebook page or forget about writting all together.
I say if your a minor than you should do as your mother wishes. If you are an adult and live your own life than your mom has to understand that you make your own decisions now.

dreamwolf's avatar

Delete your Facebook.

spittingamethyst's avatar

This whole thing is stupid, and was taken way too far. I want both of them to just drop it. And we saw each other at a party recently and started talking again.

Seek's avatar

OK. Clarifying -

It sounds like he’s being a jerk. And since you’re clearly trying to play him off as the victim, that means he’s probably really being a jerk.

If your relationship with your mother is otherwise amicable, I’d take the hint and drop the bastard. Especially if the only justification is “mom kinda started it.” Why should she have to “just get over” your ex boyfriend being disrespectful?

chyna's avatar

Mom’s are moms forever. Guys will come and go in your life, this one will surely go. Make up with your mom, get rid of the ex.

Buttonstc's avatar

“I want both of them to just drop it.”

Unfortunately, that’s not within your power. You can want as much as you can but the longer you’re on this earth, the more you will learn that the only person whom you really have the power to control is yourself.

It’s up to him to make things right with your Mom by a sincere written apology. If he’s too much of an egotistical dick to do that, why on earth are you wasting valuable time from your life hanging on to him.

Delete him from your Facebook and tell him that if he ever decides to be a gentleman and make things right with your Mom, you MIGHT consider adding him back. Maybe.

Then wait and see what he does. That will tell you a lot about his character. (or at least that’s what it would do for me if I were in your shoes)

It will be interesting to see how he responds.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Why is your Mom acting like a teenager? That’s how it seems…unless there is something far more to this that you aren’t telling us..

EB_631's avatar

If it was me, I’d delete him as a friend temporarily. You can always add him back.
Deleting him will calm your mother down and she’ll be able to think more rationally about things. Then give it a day, and talk about it. Calmly and respectfully. Maybe explain he was only joking around (if he was) and that you still want to be friends with this guy. After a couple of days if things settle down and everything is moved on about it, talk about the possibility of re-adding him (again, calmly and respectfully. Don’t get angry if she says no. She might just need more time). This is all consider if the guy is a good guy. If he’s a jerk, forget about him.

CWOTUS's avatar

You can’t fix the problem, whatever it is.

So here’s what I would suggest (because I’ve done this):

1. Invite them both to a weekend breakfast, brunch or lunch (and pick up the tab). Don’t surprise either one of them: they should both know ahead of time that the other will be there. Be the adult at the table and let them know that they’re both important to you.

2. Ask them to be civil with each other and see if there’s a way to resolve the issue between them. That is, the “proximate issue” – what was said in bantering that got out of hand recently on Facebook, and then “give thought to” whatever was bugging them before that. (Don’t get so ambitious that over one meal you’ll put things perfectly right between them.)

3. Thank them for coming and for at least attempting to keep you from having to choose sides in the short term or long term – no one is going to “win” if they make you do that, and they should recognize that fact.

4. Either you leave first or let them leave together (so you won’t be at the table talking to one about the other after he or she leaves) and leave a nice tip for the server.

Be cool, be in charge, and stop the conversation if it gets out of hand, off topic or accusatory.

I did it once as the commissioner of a youth recreational soccer league, mediating between two coaches who wanted to kill each other. At the end of the meeting they just “didn’t like each other”, but they didn’t quit the league because the other stayed, and they agreed to be civil in front of the kids. I counted it as a win.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@CWOTUS Problem is, I’m betting she’s, like, 13 or something!

CWOTUS's avatar

I thought about that and discarded it, @Dutchess_III… a 13-year-old with “an ex”? I know kids are precocious now, but still…

I also considered the kind of banter that would occur between a young teen and an adult, enough to enrage the adult, anyway, and decided that these people have to be older.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I think, at 13, if they meet at their locker for two weeks, and then don’t any more, they’re the “ex.” Too many adult ‘ex’s’ as an example in this world.

Seek's avatar

I never did get an answer as to her age or whether she lives with her mom

Dutchess_III's avatar

But by extrapolating…for a mom to have that much control and to make such a demand of an independent adult would be…weird!

Buttonstc's avatar

@seek

Evidently she does still live with Mom.

In a previous Q, she stated that she’s a Sophomore in HS.

Seek's avatar

Oh, geez.

So she’s what, 16 at the oldest? (I was 14 in 10th grade, but I know I was on the lower end of the spectrum)

This has just become a non-issue. 16 year olds are hard-wired to want to date people who piss off their parents. Reason does not enter the picture.

Dutchess_III's avatar

16 year olds are hardwired to date their ex’s, too.

Buttonstc's avatar

Yeah. At 15–16 the majority of teens think that they are so much smarter than their parents and practically everyone else also :D

Several years later, they are amazed (as Mark Twain was) by how much smarter those very same parents had become in just a few short years ~ ~

Dutchess_III's avatar

I teach in a High School Completion program. My oldest student is 60-something…a Vietnam vet. During one of our first conversations he said, “I was in High School two years and then I figured out I was smarter than the teachers….” but he kind of trailed off. He looked at me, I looked at him and…he trailed off…. He cleared his throat and we got back to his course.

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