Thank you all for all the wonderful advice and guidance. I kinda threw this together this morning before work to get it out there. I am female, but I don’t identify as one. I’m kinda the best of both worlds, but humble. I have emotions like a female and can be a sick, funny pig like a dude and very protective. Everyone I’ve been with has felt safe with me. I’ve never hit anyone in my life and I myself was beaten up, even though if you saw me, you wouldn’t think so. I’m pretty timid, but my girl really ramped up my self esteem and confidence when we 1st met because she respected me and did reciprocate.
I guess I need to tell you some more background. My dad has PTSD, Schizophrenia and is Bipolar. My mom is Bipolar and has some kind of personality disorder (Gemini). I saw my dad when my grandma passed away a few weeks ago and handed him a funeral card with the info, hugged him, he told me his old man neighbor downstairs died too and I had to go, so I felt bad leaving him that way. He has never paid child support, ran off for a long time and his excuse for not talking to me was always – “I’m afraid of your mother.” He has never once called me to talk. One of my earlier memories was of a police officer picking my mom and I up in Cleveland and taking us to this bridge he was threatening to jump off of. Not a good memory. I wish he had jumped. He almost killed my mom in front of me when I was 4. He was trying to break her back over his knee and I was less than 3 feet away and helpless. He locked the door with the chain after pushing my mom’s friend and daughter out and there was nothing I could do, so my mom and I are all we’ve ever really had. He denied my existance to the Marine Corps, so they didn’t garnish for back child support. This has left me so afraid of abandonement and it’s a raw scar. This weekend, I went to visit my friends and family and I decided I wanted to see him again to see if he was ok. He was more than ok. He has a truck, corvette and now some 3 wheeled vehicle with a roof and windshield that he paid extra for the stereo system in it. He also showed me pics of the new minivan he bought for some lady with 4 kids he doesn’t even know and another car for my cousin. All I could think of was – everyone else in my family can play an instrument – I only always ever wanted a drum set. My mom got me a drum pad a long time ago and I overheard her say it was $200, so I took it back to horde the money for an emergency, as my mom and step-dick didn’t have money. My dad is a guy who doesn’t just run his head into a wall, he drives his head through to his shoulders and knocks himself out. He’s put his head through a door to his shoulders. Last time he was admitted to the psych ward of the VA, they had to enduce him into a coma to control him. I left as soon as I could fight back tears and say, “I gotta go.”
My mom married a guy who clearly and has said in front of me that he didn’t want any f’n kids when he met my mom, so I did live a real life after school special sort of life with him. He would come home, I could do nothing right and so I was a hermite and sought refuge in my room. As soon as my mom would leave, he would flip out on me. He has raised fists to me while holding me by the scruff over the stairs, thrown a can of ravioli at my head, been nasty mean and hateful and cheated on my mom at least twice. I felt betrayed by him when he told me that he was there to protect my mom and that was his job, not mine, so I stopped and he hurt her. She stood by her man, especially when he told her she couldn’t bring it up anymore and decided to take her to church to be an obedient wife. He did not graduate school, but is overbearing, narcistic and the scum of the earth. No one in my family likes him at all and they don’t understand what the hell my mom sees in him. He is like a combination of Tony Danza, Andrew Dice Clay and any other dickbag like that. I never got along with my step-father, no matter how hard I tried, I always bothered him and still do. I can’t even ask him a question without him speaking to me through gritted teeth and he is so obviously jealous when I make other people laugh, so much so that they notice it. Every time I try (and I don’t know why I kept trying for so long – just wanted a dad and for my mom to be happy), he breaks my heart. He has told me I am not welcome at home and he denied it. He has told me that he was glad that I was leaving when I thought he was being nice and helping me carry my stuff out to the car to drive back to Columbus. Even at Christmas a few years ago, someone else’s phone was going off and he was yelling at me until he found out it was someone else and then he was ok with it. He lets my little sister (not jealous because she deserves to be treated well) do and say anything that I am not allowed to do. I used to not even be allowed to flush the toilet at night because it was too loud, but her and her friends could rampage through the house and destroy the place. I respect my mom’s house and am proud she was able to buy one. I guess, I just feel like he could have and should have been nicer to me. I did not choose to be born, nor to be born by these people.
My mom dropped out of school in 10th grade because a teacher made fun of her teeth, which are now fine, but back then bad because my grandma just didn’t take care of them. Her dad died when she was 7 and her mom ATE HANDFULS of Quaaludes and Valium. She molested my mother when she was 12, made my aunt go for a walk with the priest that raped her after she told her mom and beat the hell out of her kids in every way possible. I have a large extended family because of this – they ran and stayed at other peoples’ homes. My mom feels ignorant and isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but my step-father takes advantage of that and talks to her like she is dumb and makes her feel horrible, but she lets him do it. Nothing comes out of her mouth anymore that hasn’t come out of his mouth 1st and its obvious and the rest of the family sees it too. She knew I walked on egg shells and was afraid of my step-father, but she stopped standing up for me when I was about 11. My mom also has had a problem with me living in Columbus for over 11yrs now and because my girlfriend is 10 yrs older than me, even though all my friends were always older.
Now, the main reason I went home was because my mom had thrown me out of the family and told me she was done with me…but she had a thyroid problem, told me it was because of that she has been so mean and her new meds seemed to be working. Every time we went down the path to argue, she would stop it right away, so we were going to visit my grandma and grandpa at the cemetery. She also had worked for a nuclear pharmacy for 20 yrs and they eliminated her position and Friday was her last day and I wanted to show my support. Saturday rolled around and she was hung over from being pig drunk the night before. I told her about what happened when I went to go see my dad. She said she was sorry, seemed like she cared again and actually consoled me for the 1st time in several years. She insisted I get my thyroid checked because she had Grave’s Disease, my aunt and grandma had it too. I let her know I told my doctor and what needed to be tested (T3 and T4…), but she just did a regular, more expensive drug test. My mom was very happy with her new doctor that listened and helped her, so I thought I would start with her for a recommendation, as well as my OSU chronic pain specialist. My mom would not accept this as an answer. I also let her know that since I didn’t have a job for 3+ yrs (maintaining decent credit) due to having Central Sensitization so bad (Severe chronic pain, similar to that of phantom pains from missing limbs. Pain so bad, I would violently throw up until given something for pain. Nausea meds don’t do anything), I could not overwhelm myself with bills and her offering to pay for them is not an option because she insisted last time and held it over my head. The woman screamed in my face about how she left HER FAMILY to come stay with me and help out, when I was violently vomitting, even after having an NG tube in for 13+ hours. She was mad because my girlfriend wasn’t cleaning the house like a mad woman, like my mom would do. The house fell to the side and my girl took care of me. I had to have her sisters, my aunts, come and get her because she was OUT OF CONTROL. She started screaming at me to start doing research right now online. It was Saturday, she went through that and ended up with a shitty doctor until she found her new doctor. We got into it and she called my girlfriend a piece of shit, told me I ruined my own childhood, told me I’m just like my dad and to go be with him (which burns really bad) and said she was done with me for the 3rd and last time. She chose my step-father, I chose my girlfriend.
So I came home upset and I do have a lot of wounds that just keep reopening, but I realized I really do need to cut her out because she is toxic to me. When I got home, I wanted my girl to leave me because since my parents are fake, selfish, judgemental and shallow and if they are, I must be too. She didn’t deserve to have to put up with me when I was sick, all the times I came home enraged because of traffic, work or family troubles and all the times I get sappy and sad because I miss my parents. All the crying, hurting, feeling sorry for myself… She has had too much and so now that I have no parents, she tells me she can’t do this anymore, she’s always worried I’m gonna get sick, she’s worried about what mood I’ll be in when I get home and that I have had suicidal ideas, which I could never carry through. I set up my garden hose to my muffler, taped it up, put the other end in my car’s window and just looked at it because that was how I was feeling. She had had enough and now only wants to be friends. I do not want to be just friends. I don’t understand how she can say she wouldn’t know what to do if something ever happened to me, but she can leave me so easily and be so distant and old, even when she was crying when I came home and I held her.
I’m trying to be happy. I started to like my job again in these last few days at a distance from her. I have moments of strength sometimes because I was very in love with someone who used me for 5 yrs and left me for an 11”, pierced wang online that loved her so much, he was sending her videos and pics of himself doing other girls. That hurt worse because she was more my world than I allowed this current girl to be, until we passed that 5 yr mark and then my entire guard fell and I revealed my inner wounds. She doesn’t respect me as much as she did when we met, she thought she would never be fulfilled by any one person ever, then told me I proved to her that you can have it all and be fulfilled by one person. For 6 yrs, we’ve struggled. I was harrassed out of my former townhome online by the people working at the community front office, so we moved into a dump from a poon palace. I got sick, lost my job of 6yrs where I was making $19.50/hr, plus bonuses and benefits, we lost our privacy when we moved into her mom’s townhome for 2 yrs without being left alone for no more than 20 minutes at a time, my cat died, my grandpa figure died, my grandma died, my step grandma died and now I have no parents or girlfriend. She took her commitment ring off and I saw it this morning and just started shaking, puking, gagging, tearing up and shitting bile due to not having eaten anything in over 6 days. I was away from home from last Wednesday to Saturday, but she needs more space? I stayed with someone she says is like her brother because he was close to my emergency refridgerated meds and I know the traffic pattern to get to work. He was going through the same thing, so I thought we’d distract each other. All he did was bitch and scream, flail around and yell about how we gotta shut out f’n mouths and pretend to be ok in front of our girls. I can’t be fake. I don’t know how and I don’t want to be. My mom is so concerned about her image, she was embarrassed by me punching my car in the street (when no one really knows who I am in that hood anymore) more than how bad I was feeling. She thinks I need to take pills for feelings. I miss my girlfriend and I’ll do whatever it takes to get her back. We’ve made it through too much shit in almost 6 yrs to throw all of this away. I remember when she loved me more than I loved her, but she never knew about it. Had my guard up and didn’t let go all the way until we surpassed my longest relationship. This can’t be happening.
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