Social Question

mowens's avatar

Am I doing something wrong? (gay dating question)

Asked by mowens (8285 points ) September 29th, 2011

So there is no way I can write this without offending someone. I think…

I am a 27 year old gay male. I finished my bachelor’s degree at 21, and have been in my field for 9 years. (since I was 18, I have been doing IT work) I am very good at what I do… and I have been ahead of the curve salary wise for years. With each job comes increased responsibilities. No matter what I obtain… I feel like I am not doing enough to be my best. I want to be the absolute best human being I can be.

I would never judge anyone for being in any other career, as long as it was what they love to do. If you are an artist, love what you do, and make 30 cents a day…. I have a lot of respect for you.

I never let work go outside of 40 hours a week. If I have to work late one night, I go in late the next day. I never think of work outside of work.

The thing that I am having a problem with is the other gay guys I meet.

I have no problem with waiters, it is just an example job.

No one seems to be as career minded as I am. They are a waiter, and are ok with that not because they love it, but because it is good enough for right now.

That does not compute with me. I was never a waiter, but I worked other minimum wage jobs, and I hated them all. I busted my ass to work 50 hours a week while going to school for 20 hours a week to get my bachelor degree in 3 years so I could get a decent job. Every time I had went right into my schooling.

People who don’t want to do that because it is too hard, does not compute with me.

Now I understand that college isn’t for everyone. But why would you do something you hate? If you are a waiter and you hate it, and every day you apply to other jobs or at least look at other jobs then I have no problem with you or how you lead your life.

I have problems with people who bitch about how much their life sucks, and do nothing to fix it… ever.

I basically am asking how to meet other gay young professionals that are not taken. :)

Does this make sense or am I just rambling? I am annoyed at the general lack of initiative from the gay community. I have no problem with any specific job… I have a problem with someone doing something they don’t love… for so long… without at least trying to better themselves.

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17 Answers

efritz's avatar

I understand what you’re saying. On the other hand, it’s not always great to judge someone for not having as much ambition as you do – maybe they’re unmotivated because they haven’t found the right career yet, maybe they’re fulfilled in other areas of their life – people unsuccessful in their career aren’t always that way because they’re afraid of hard work. They’re just a different personality, and obviously incompatible with yours, which it fine!

As for finding gay professionals, maybe they’re just less likely to broadcast their sexuality to avoid discrimination? I know I do, but I live in the midwest. Your situation may be different.

mowens's avatar

@efritz I live in Columbus, Ohio. A pretty gay town…. but still the midwest. I see your point. I don’t broadcast my sexuality, but I dont care who knows either.

zenvelo's avatar

Your perspective on jobs and job satisfaction have nothing to do with the gay community or gay men; it is common in general society. We all value different things. You enjoy working hard at work in something you like to do. Other people view work as simply a way to gain funds to spend their energy on what they like to do for recreation.

I went to school in Santa Barbara, and was tempted to stay there. But the job market was heavily skewed to a tourist industry with workers who wanted to focus on how much time they could spend on the beach or on the water surfing or sailing.

So perhaps you should look for gay professionals through meetup dot com, or through on line ads, or on craigslist. But you might be more tolerant of how people in general view work.

mowens's avatar

@zenvelo I am very tolerant. The last guy I dated was a bus boy. I had no problems with what he did, he had a problem that I worked to much and dumped me. I work for a bank, so my career is far from making me feel like I better the world, but I do like the fact that I build things. Am I being stuck up? I really don’t think I am.

christine215's avatar

@mowens it doesn’t sound like you’re being stuck up to me, and it doesn’t sound like a gay/straight thing to me either. You just know exactly the kind of guy you want to date/be in a relationship with and you haven’t met him yet. Keep looking… He’s out there. My gramma used to say “there’s a lid for every pot”

tinyfaery's avatar

Wow. The gay community here is primarily in the high income bracket. It’s more likely that someone over work out here.

Maybe you need to branch outside your little community.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Perhaps both money sucks and the ways you ‘have to use to fix that’ suck too. Your ambitions have to do with work and money and whatever – that simply isn’t true for others. They might be waiters and might complain (‘cause who doesn’t?) but they might look at you and feel suffocated by the notion of working in IT for 9 years.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Honey… You SHOULD be proud of your accomplishments and you shouldn’t apologize to anyone ever for the way you feel about anything. It’s your right. I don’t think that you are wrong for wanting to be with someone who shares your drive and sense of presence in this world. It is normal actually.

Minimum wage jobs are (Especially the restaurant business) a social trap that is just above the idea of Welfare. THey are designed to keep people in a hampster wheel these jobs SHOULD be stepping stones toward something if and when the person actually shows some dissatisfaction with the place in life those positions afford them because in these positions advancement is maxed out at manager and there is usually only one and someone else is usually already there.

Ambition to proceed is a unique perspective and people can get complacent andlazy within these positions.

If you feel that it is time for you to look above or on an even playing field than put yourself in the places and situations where you can find who you want in a person and be happy in finding that. I however believe that you can’t help who you love…

If that be someone who is ambitious or complacent… If you love them, there is a reason you do, see that… and don’t ever go into anything trying to change anyone unless that is what they want. It is a lesson in fruestration and futility that will lead you to nothing but drama.

and that being said… Sometimes, when we do the right thing in our own lives and follow the book and succeed… Sometimes, someone else’s drama… can be rather alluring.

Know thyself… is the best advice I can offer. You sound brilliant to me… Love you and love someone else and be happy together. You deserve to find and love and to BE loved BY your special HIM! And I believe you will! ♥

Peace lovely… Live long, and be safe and prosper!

tedd's avatar

Mike I’m not seeing the correlation to you being gay and this question (which honestly I don’t see the question, just an observation).

You’re far more dedicated to your job and your goals, and that’s great, your parents should be proud. You’re also lucky enough to have excelled in a field that you enjoy. I just don’t understand what the dating part of this is, lol.

But I do know… that the solution to all of your problems is to get online at like 10 tonight, and play starcraft with the guys :D

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I have only one observation to offer: I personally know gay waiters who make $60,000/year. It’s entirely dependent on the level of restaurant they work in. By the way, straight waiters can make that much, too.

I read all your details. To answer whether you are doing something wrong or not: no. Just be yourself. I have found the best way to meet eligible bachelors is to take up a hobby and join a club. It can be sports. It can be raising African violets. It can be anything.

mowens's avatar

@tedd Westy… this my be problematic. I am meeting at 9 for Gears of War. :)

@Hawaii_Jake I did not mean to pick on waiters… I just picked it as an example career. This is far from about money. I would have the same lack of respect for a stock broker working 90 hour weeks making a million dollars a year and hating every minute of it, and a waiter who hates everything about his job. It is a self respect thing. Maybe youre right… I am just digging to deep. :)

syz's avatar

You need to find a way of meeting like-minded professionals.

janbb's avatar

Yes, the problem may be with where and how you’re looking. I have met very compatible friends online; really bright and interesting people with abilities similar to mine. (This is not for dating – by the way – just through social sites like this.) You might want to look for an onlline dating site that is geared to young professionals/educated people. There is a dating site called “the Right Stuff” I believe for people from top colleges that might have a gay section.

The other option as @Hawaii_Jake says is the old stand-by that works of doing something you like with other folk where you might meet someone. Things like hiking, kayaking or sailing to name a few often attract passionate people.

The issue of finding a compatible person is not unique to the gay community, but of course, the field is more limited which makes it hard.

GladysMensch's avatar

First off, sexuality has nothing to do with this. I know plenty of straight people with no ambition, and plenty who will stop at nothing to claw their way to the proverbial top. Your problem lies with finding someone with whom you are compatible… same as everybody else. Where are you supposed to find someone who respects his career as much as you respect yours, and is attracted to you physically and mentally, and whom you find attractive physically and mentally? There is no such place, because places are filled with individuals who have their own strengths and weaknesses. My advice… try everywhere.

zenvelo's avatar

@mowens I didn’t say you were intolerant, I said to consider other people’s valid views on work that differ from yours.

If the bus boy said you work too much, maybe you should look at whether your really do limit yourself to 40 hours or not. Sounds like he felt he was second priority to your work. That’s your choice and your right, but make sure you are honest about it to yourself.

wundayatta's avatar

There’s nothing wrong with being intolerant of people who don’t have ambition. They just aren’t for you. Generally, most people who stay in low-paying jobs don’t have a lot of ambition as you see it. So you might want to change where you’re looking.

I guess there are certain gay job ghettos. Sounds like perhaps service work is one of them. While there are certainly service workers with ambition, perhaps there are a lot more who do not have the ambition you require. So maybe you should stop hanging around with service workers and look somewhere else.

Have you tried the online gay dating sites? Gay softball? Other gay organizations or activities in town? There are, of course, bars, but unless it’s a bar with a stable community scene, I doubt it will be helpful.

I think perhaps your best bet is to hang out with friends, and let them play matchmaker. Just do it. They may have no clue as to who you are interested in (although you are just as likely to have no clue), but eventually you might meet someone who fits. Friends are better, too, because they do know you, and they know how important ambition is to you.

By the way, if I were gay, you would hate me, because I don’t have much ambition. I may be doing all right, but my goal is to do as little work as possible and have as much fun as possible. I like to write and dance and make music. I hate being motivated to make money. I am motivated, but I’d rather do good work than remunerative work. I’d rather do things to help people (for no pay or little pay) than do things just for money. For that reason, I am example, one friend told me, of labor market failure. I’ve always been underpaid for my skills.

Kayak8's avatar

There used to be several gay, professionals groups in Columbus that had monthly get-togethers so folks could meet like-minded individuals. I would call Stonewall Union and ask them if they are aware of any groups like this that are still meeting. Another great way to meet other professional gay folks is through volunteering. AIDS Resource Center Ohio-Columbus (formerly Columbus AIDS Task Force) has volunteers as does Stonewall and any number of other GLBT organizations in Columbus. I have met wonderful, engaged, caring professional individuals through organizations like these.

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