Social Question

Paradox1's avatar

How do you deal with a friend that always wants to hang out and doesn't have a clue?

Asked by Paradox1 (1167 points ) October 2nd, 2011

Ever since a friend of mine came back home from college, he asks me several times a week to hangout and every saturday and sunday he asks to get breakfast which we do sometimes (he has no job atm), while I work 6 days a week and don’t have the time to see all of my friends let alone him these several times a week.
He also doesn’t seem to have a clue how to interact with people socially, as he cannot seem to get over his girlfriend of 2 years ago who has rejected him since their breakup multiple times, as well as being rude and ungrateful around my friends he has recently met. He is constantly late to engagements we plan together.

I feel bad just not responding to him, and I am at my wits end. At the same time he is an old friend, and so I always respond to him and have to tell him “no” repeatedly, then explain why because if not he will certainly ask. I do try and see him once every week, but he has nothing to do.

What can I do?

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12 Answers

Kokoro's avatar

I would sit down with him and be honest, exactly what you told us on here. Of course don’t be as blunt as that – but lay it down on him. He may not even know he is being like this.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Honesty always solves the problem if you want it to be solved… Being deceptive, even if it is out of “kindness” will drag it on and on and spare no one elses feelings but your own when it comes to a head *And you KNOW it will and he is left with mixed messages and issues.

If you care about people… you take the time to help, if you don’t… be a man, be honest and cut to the chase with an explination that your friendship merits and he does deserve.

Not many people are able to interact socially, not many people have the skills that you do. You have to deal with this before you hurt feelings unnecessarily.

How can a person KNOW what is wrong, if you never tell them?

JLeslie's avatar

Don’t arrange to go out so much if it is bothering you.

If he is typically late, start being 10 or 15 minutes late too. If he is more than 20 minutes late typically, tell him it bothers you.

ddude1116's avatar

Tell him how you feel, gently, so you don’t hurt his feelings. Or, if you don’t want to confront him, tell him that your work schedule has become so that you can’t see him as often and see him more infrequently.

Hibernate's avatar

I am “that” friend most of the time. I am damn proud of it. But I have two things your friends lacks. Common sense and the ability to judge someone else’s character. I do know when to stop acting like a spoiled brat with my friends but I know when to keep pushing it and annoying their others friends who only stay friends with my friends just because they have something to gain. Eventually some figured out I mostly help them but some get annoyed by me :P
I like to be late at meetings because it’s really annoying to be there from the start and don’t have anything to do or to say to the people [if they aren’t your friends]. I like to arrive last. But when friends who get there on time ask me to hang around I try to be there on time even if it’s in my nature to be late.
Hanging on to the past… maybe the last thing he needs is to start a new relationship and suffer.
As for the social part. Maybe he just doesn’t care how other people see him. I know I don’t care because at some point when they get to know me they know I like to make the first impressions to be really bad about me.

And if he’s an old friend and you stayed friends for that long I don’t really understand how come only now you became bothered by this.
I hope I was clear enough.

Cheers.

dreamwolf's avatar

Friends who don’t have a clue are usually dumbfounded about this kind of situation altogether. They are also wrapped around in their own world. I can totally attest to how you are feeling. My guy friends are the type that if I don’t invite them, they are totally surprised that I do something on my own, it is literally mind boggling to them. They are the type to be offended if they are not invited as if our lives all go in one direction. So I feel you on that, and your friend is a long time friend. You should just be totally honest. If he asks, “hey lets grab breakfast.” And on your mind is totally, “Aw shit not again.” Don’t be phased by it. You have no obligation to him. Just be like, “No I feel like staying in today.” Tell him the truth. “Dave, I’ve worked all week and I’m tired.” If he pulls your leg, “Cmon lets go card!” Be like, “Dave, really?” It should hit him then. He’ll probably be offended but it’ll let him have some self realization time and either he’ll get new buddies to satisfy his going out ways or he’ll get off his ass and find a job and be equally as busy as you.

Paradox1's avatar

@dreamwolf. Winner.

I feel bad being honest because one of our mutual friends was honest with him and his first thought and thing he mentioned to me was, “Mike was a total ass for saying that.” His logic being “my friends should have my back all the time.” He would be offended if I leveled with him, and this would push us further apart. I’m more diplomatic, and would prefer to take the high road, especially now that he is suffering. I am honest in saying “no,” and even why. But I’m not sure that honesty regarding the situation (you come on too strong, I’m too busy to see you, you’re totally ungrateful) is the solution here, but maybe in the future. I do hint at these things…

wundayatta's avatar

You can be honest and be kind at the same time. I don’t know how Mike put it to him, but you don’t want to do that. The best thing to do is to give the real reason. You don’t have enough time since you work so much. You have other friends you’ve been neglecting and you want to see them. Not friends you want to hang out with together. Or whatever.

And if he thinks you’re an ass, then so be it. Sometimes friends are asses. Unless he changes, do you really want to hang out with him

Paradox1's avatar

@wundayatta “And if he thinks you’re an ass, then so be it. Sometimes friends are asses. Unless he changes, do you really want to hang out with him”?

Answer: No… but as a long-time friend (yes he and I have changed), I feel guilty all the time about my feelings, even for posting here.

plethora's avatar

Ummm…why are you giving this guy the time of day? Sorry to tell you, dear, but you have the problem not him. You have no boundary with him. It is up to you to decide who you are going to be with and whom you’re not.

AnonymousWoman's avatar

I had a friend like that when I was in my teen years. I ended up telling her off. There are times when you have to be what other people might consider mean for your own sanity! It’s not being mean. What is being mean is leading him on and acting like you want to hang out with him and he is welcomed when he is not. My old friend eventually got the message after I stopped hanging out with her. I even went as far as deleting her from Facebook as I knew how personally she would take it so that she would realize just how serious I was. We went through a period of not being friends and I finally let her back in my life after she changed. It’s easier now because she is married and has a baby, so she’s not as demanding of my time as she used to be. I no longer hear threats of her banging down my door to hang out… and it is awesome. One of the best things I ever did was cutting her out of my life for a while.

And one of the best things you can do for yourself is to tell this friend of yours exactly where you stand, why he gets on your nerves, and why you will not, under any circumstance, tolerate it.

I am not as nice as you, I’m sure….

because I might even go as far as saying…

“YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHY YOU PROBABLY HAVE PROBLEMS WITH THAT GIRL? BECAUSE YOU’RE SO… FREAKING…....... CLINGY! Do you ever know how to leave people ALONE? I don’t blame her for dumping you if you treat her like this… I FEEL SUFFOCATED AROUND YOU… and… and.. I JUST WANT TO BREATHE!”

laurenkem's avatar

It’s better to do it now in a civil way and just get it over with than wait 6 months and completely lose it on the guy. I had a very toxic girlfriend, and suffering from the “I wanna be nice” gene, myself, never said peep for about 2 years. Man, when it finally all broke loose, I said things no one should ever say to anybody. But of course, in her case, she was so full of self-importance that she shrugged it off as me being jealous and went to play with other people, lol. Just goes to show, you might not be as important to this guy as you think you are.

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