Social Question

talljasperman's avatar

How does an adult who lives in isolation or near isolation recover and rejoin society?

Asked by talljasperman (18313 points ) October 9th, 2011

Where is a safe place to start rejoining society after being tormented and harassed into isolation for years, for a mentally ill adult?

Topics: psychology, harassment, bullying, isolation, teasing,

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

58 Answers

GabrielsLamb's avatar

We don’t… We are happy here.

Shhhhhh don’t tell…

They like to believe it makes us sad…. Because It makes them feel less envious.

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb I We can’t live with my our mom’s forever… eventually something has to give.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

You don’t have to live with your mom… Go live by yourself

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb She won’t let me… besides She is all I have besides Fluther… It’s getting to the point that my disability checks pay the rent know… We need each other… We even considered getting adjoining rooms in a nursing home.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

You are all you have… That’s all anyone really ever has. If you are into science you know this to be a truism.

Your reality isn’t created by other people, your reality is self actuated. They just get to observe it, and the human being is trained from birth to feel their existance is somehow justified in the event of being observed, and therefore somehow believed to be in the right when they observe in return, and then… when shit goes horribly wrong, and people get ignorant, which they ALWAYS DO eventually, they get to blame one another.

It’s all bullshit.

I think you need to learn to be less afraid of being by yourself.

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb I like your first answer better it make me laugh. What good is a story if their is no one to hear it?

GabrielsLamb's avatar

There is an old axiom…

“To learn to hear others, you must first learn to hear yourself through silence. Silence of course doesn’t exist.”

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb So Fluther until I’m homeless it is.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@talljasperman That is a person who is not allowing you to live your life because they need you and has managed to convince you that you feel the same way when obviously you are distressed about it… Hence the question

That isn’t fair to your growth and development as a human being.

lillycoyote's avatar

Slowly, inch by inch, with the support of at least someone, one person who cares; better with the support of more than one person who cares. I’m not sure how else one would do it.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@lillycoyote The crux of that trick is ever finding anyone who truly does “Care enough”.

Not many “truly” care if anyone at all?

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb I feel like Howard from “The Big Bang Theory” ... Except I love my mom and I’m a Psychology major searching for another career after running out of student loans and failing out of school… I keep saving what little I have…At least I have food and a warm bed.

lillycoyote's avatar

@GabrielsLamb You’d be surprised. Sometimes finding a person who cares is just a matter of reaching out and letting someone care. So many people, so many of us, simply don’t let people care about us, even if they are willing and able.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

That sucks, but if it’s any consolation at all, I didn’t fail out of school, I had close to a perfect GPA

Know what it got me?

A $20,000.00 piece of paper that says I still can’t find a job. It is the most expensive square of toilet paper in the history of creation.

It should be in the guiness book of world records!

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@lillycoyote In some peoples universe that rule applies and they actually need to believe that because it helps keep them going, and I get that… But respectfully, it does not exist in mine.

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb My therapist keeps telling me I don’t need a university education…but I can’t cope with being a servant of someone who teases me. I even tried dish-washing and other jobs… I felt shame and relived tormenting moments in my life… I was hoping that a piece of paper would put give me access to the greener side of life… but I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. But denying that is what got me misdiagnosed with an illness in the first place.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

I fired my therapist because she insulted my comfy shoes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGlv2Rk5RcA

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb Sorry about the $20,000 toilet paper. I was hoping to get knowledge so I can hire myself and work when I have no clients…. I find lurve as the best payment I’m most likely to get for a while.

lillycoyote's avatar

@GabrielsLamb I simply won’t allow myself to believe that there is any personal universe, at least not in the developed countries, where, if you look hard enough, and are open to it, you cannot find at least someone, who cares. And you shouldn’t rule out the people who are simply paid to care. It sounds cynical, but there are some people, who are paid to care, like social workers and therapists, who actually do care, even though it is just their job do so. If you want to fire your therapist for ragging on your shoes, then fine, find another one who doesn’t. I’m running pretty low on people who really give a shit about me too, these days. Whining about it doesn’t really help.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

If you have to pay someone to care… No thanks, don’t. I have more practicle things to spend my cash on.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@lillycoyote You’re right, whining about it doesn’t help. But that doesn’t stop people from reminding you constantly that you “Need” someone to. No you don’t… Care about yourself.

From where I sit, you seem like a good enough reason to care about you.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@talljasperman “The grass… Is always greener over the septic tank.”

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@talljasperman I tell my kids every day to finish school, go get a life for yourselves and get as far the hell away from me as your little legs can carry you. And that’s because I love them!

talljasperman's avatar

At least I’ve gotten my dream of living with my mom and having the free time to ponder life… I’n Fluther I feel that my pondering’s can be useful… sometimes. If not than I’m just swimming against the tide in a big toilet bowl waiting to be flushed.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@talljasperman That’s not true. You just arent believing that you are a good enough reason to live your own life.

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb What’s not true?

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@talljasperman What you believe you’re “Swimming in.” If and when you’re left to your own devices

Learn to swim… It doesn’t have to be a toilet bowl.

tranquilsea's avatar

@talljasperman I think you need to just do it. Create a plan where you find a job that will support you and then makes plans to move out and stick to them. Or does your disability preclude you from working?

It is easy to be complacent.

It may be uncomfortable at times but you’ll gain strength.

Some of the most liberating times in my life were when I was taking a giant step towards independence and it was scary but those decisions were the best ones I could have made.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Sometimes… Life imposes bullshit on you, that doesn’t mean you have to roll in it, use it to plant something else instead.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@tranquilsea I worry when people start phrases with things like “You need to” That shivers me timbers.

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb The dark… I can keep still and survive the constant flushes… but I’m trying to find a direction to go. I changed my major 17 times in 2 years…. I feel powerfull, but I feel like I did what I was supposed to do in this life… and am waiting for the next acceptable challenge. I feel like life is a repeat and I’ve accomplished anything worth doing.

dreamwolf's avatar

I’d probably start out by going to the library. Then going to a sports bar. Then going to a musical show. Then getting a job and making some co workers friends. Then hang out with friends. Then smoke pot while hanging with friends.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@dreamwolf LOL Creative debocle is my favorite kind of debocle!

talljasperman's avatar

@dreamwolf Lol… Thanks Dreamwolf… I’ll try that… except for the smoking pot part.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

The Library isn’t a great choice when you’re trying to connect with other people. You have a fake mom hanging over you reminding you that you’re not supposed to socialize and you have to stay away from other people, and not speak… That’s not really conducive to an atmosphere of socializing.

No fun, if fun is what you’re after… More a book store cafe perhaps?

tranquilsea's avatar

@talljasperman I can worry, plan, worry and plan with the best of them. I found that my “worrying and planning” were just excuses to stop me from actually doing anything.

As @dreamwolf has suggested: start small. Seek out places where you can lose yourself in your interests. Be open to talking to people as you never know where you’ll find a friend.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

All I can say is… You gotta be willing and able to walk a mile in someone else’s penny loafers before you can freely give advice.

Sometimes (more than not actually)... the blisters people get make them go… “Holy sh*t you were right, carry on man, I can’t help you.”

Everything sounds viable in words on a screen, and the work is easily theorized when we are working from the medium of someone else’s experiences completely seperate from the cause and effects of weighing the pro’s and con’s in the end results.

“Of all the faculties with which nature endows us, we only first aquire the potentiality and only later on effect it’s actualization.”

Aristotle.

talljasperman's avatar

@tranquilsea Thanks… I’ll try to be more open…

talljasperman's avatar

I was fine until I realized that I was ignorant… I wanted to be a good Psychologist… So I wondered… and fell flat on my face. Had I just been in the dark maybe I would have be in the job that my therapist is….I would have been a mediocre therapist but I took the blue pill… and asked questions. Then I changed my major to Philosophy….and questioned everything, and everyone, including myself.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@talljasperman That’s my worthless two cents… Good luck my darling!

Keep your head up chipper monkey! It aint ever as bad as it seems and even when it is, that only means it’s about to get better.

That’s the rule of law and the law of life.

6rant6's avatar

I don’t see the rush to leave your mom, to be honest. Forming casual relationships will be easier if you don’t make your like a jumble to start with.

Have you looked at support groups for your personal flavor of atypicality? Bipolars, ASD, Aspergers all have their own groups. Might be nice to start with friends who have extra insight on what’s difficult about being you.

talljasperman's avatar

@GabrielsLamb Thank you for helping me…

talljasperman's avatar

@6rant6 My doctor won’t let me recommends I don’t go into any support groups… The consensus between my workers it that I go out for walks more often….Fluther is my hang out place… If anyone thinks like me I will gladly add them to my Fluther…

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

From what I read of children who were never socialized as others were or of children (if they survived) who were ‘of the wild’, it is nearly impossible to actually ‘rejoin’ society to the ‘normal’ degree.

tranquilsea's avatar

@talljasperman I hated support groups. I always felt worse leaving them that I did going in.

I know my comments above sounded harsh (sorry about that). I’ve been in intensive therapy for years and years so I know how hard it can be to step through your fear to living life. My psychiatrist has a mantra for me: “if it makes you feel uncomfortable you should be doing it twice a day”. Although I hated it when he said that I also knew that it was good for me to get out beyond my comfort zone. I needed to do that regularly.

talljasperman's avatar

@tranquilsea I’ve been enjoying my comfort… Its been awhile since I’ve had it… I’m almost ready to move on… and reinvest in life…I just want to do it right this time…or at least less wrong.

gorillapaws's avatar

You might want to look into finding a volunteer organization. Sometimes when we’re having a hard time in life, getting appreciation from people who are even more desperate than we are is incredibly rewarding and really helps the ego when it’s feeling beat up. I don’t know the extent of your disabilities, but I’m sure there are some groups who would love to have some help on even a part-time basis doing whatever is within your ability.

Perhaps your therapist has some suggestions for a charity that would be a good match for you in your current state of mind. It also looks good on a resume, and will help build your marketable skills when you eventually return to the workforce.

talljasperman's avatar

@gorillapaws I will ask my therapist about charities. Thanks

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@talljasperman You’re welcome honey… I don’t know if I helped? Probably not much… But you know…

Making plans, is the very best way to let yourself down. If you are already stressed out, don’t put too much weight on planning.

Find your bliss baby love… Find what makes you happy as a human being. Whatever makes us happy is a life better lived.

Don’t ask what makes you the best person, unless that makes you happy
don’t ask what will make the most money, unless money will make you happy
don’t ask for love or support, unless that is really what will make you happy.

Laugh, laugh as much as you can, even if people find you utterly rediculous. It is freeing, Buddha under the bodai tree for all of his enlightenment at the end of his journey… he laughed.

WHat makes you happy? Don’t allow anyone to tell you anything other than what makes you personally happy.

That being said…

“Le bonheur est trouvé en sachant que vous n’avez pas besoin de bonheur pour être heureux”

“Happiness is found in the knowing that you do not necessarily require it in order to be happy.”

Sartre

raven860's avatar

Maybe go to the local park and shoot some hoops or play soccer with people playing? Watch tv, listen to radio, watch movies, read the news so that you can talk about all this with the people you meet. Also get a job…its holiday season and people are starting to hire.

rooeytoo's avatar

Get a dog and take it for walks, to obedience classes, to agility classes. People will stop on the street to say hello to your dog and sometimes to you too. The folks in the classes all have a common interest and it is like a therapy group without the therapy, except for the dogs.

Plus the dog will give you unconditional love. I read a line once, I can’t remember where, anyhow it said, “I have never loved anyone the way I want to be loved.” For me that is true, and I don’t think I ever will succeed in either part of the equation but my dogs do love me no matter what.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@raven860 That’s not really all that easy to just do when you have social issues. It is really difficult actually especially when you have been tormented. Not everyone can allow themselves to be that fragile in such a potentially embarassing situation that may call judgement upon you.

It’s difficult.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

@rooeytoo That’s a great idea and they actually have therapy dogs for that. I met one the other day in Walmart. Even though I have been traumatized too, I still talk to people because I don’t care if people reject me anymore I just got used to it and learned to take the punches and enjoy the good moments people allow me but there was this lady with a dog that she herself called a “therapy dog.” It was with her, to better socialize her. We started talking about the dog, but ended up talking about everything else. It was a neat experience. She was a really sweet lady and I loved the weiner dog, he was gentle and sweet too.

Hibernate's avatar

@talljasperman try looking for a support group for these things. You might get lucky.

raven860's avatar

@GabrielsLamb I didn’t know. Does it basically depend on the people? If they are mature, accepting and willing to help?

6rant6's avatar

Have you considered volunteering? You can go to the library and volunteer to shelve books a few hours a week. Not a huge amount of social interaction required, but it could occupy you and get you out among ‘em.

As you get more comfortable, you can try more socially demanding volunteer work: volunteer at animal rescue – they’ll probably start you with clean cages and walking dogs.

If you get really adventurous, there’s ushering in a local theater.

Volunteer coordinators appreciate the people who sign up. Good ones help people find tasks that are suited to them. I think people who have experience with wounded animals have a special affinity for wounded people.

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