Social Question

KateTheGreat's avatar

Do you have a favorite funny quote?

Asked by KateTheGreat (13605 points ) October 23rd, 2011

As asked.

Sometimes quotes need to be hilarious and not inspirational.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

36 Answers

King_Pariah's avatar

“You want $3.00 for a dance (playing DDR in an arcade)? Then I remembered I paid $20 for a dance just a week before, so I guess $3 wasn’t so bad” -Gabriel Iglesias

Hibernate's avatar

Get up, get out, get drunk .. repeat as needed. [Spike from Buffy the vampire slayer].

ragingloli's avatar

“Old people at weddings always poked me and said “your’re next”.
So I started doing the same to them at funerals.”

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

From the “Army of Darkness” movie:

Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby… Just me.

Blondesjon's avatar

Mmm Dinner. The break between work and drunk.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

“That’s like feeding a starving dog a rubber bone.” – Charles Shultz
Don’t offer me a cup of decaf coffee when regular coffee is needed.

filmfann's avatar

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx

blueberry_kid's avatar

“Life ain’t a garden, don’t be a hoe.”

-Big Mama

Symbeline's avatar

I’m thinking that the only sane people left are the ones who were crazy to begin with. -Shadow Madness

Kayak8's avatar

Texas quote about a braggart: “Well, he’s all hat and no cattle.”

YoKoolAid's avatar

“I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls…but on the day the rubber was supposed to arrive instead they got a truckload of potatoes….but Pringles is a laid back company and just said: ‘Fuck it cut ‘em up!’”

syz's avatar

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

Adagio's avatar

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A pate is nothing more than a French meat loaf that’s had a couple of cocktails.
Carol Cutler

AshLeigh's avatar

“Bite off more than you can chew. Then chew it.” -Gage.

stardust's avatar

“I have nothing to declare but my genius”. Simple and to the point ala Mr. Wilde.

AshLeigh's avatar

“Life is like a crap sandwich. You have to take a bite out of it every day.” – Matt Taylor.

6rant6's avatar

“not really.”

bubba3778's avatar

“Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?”

From the movie Ferris Beuller’s Day off.

woodcutter's avatar

“Senator, don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining” From the movie “The Outlaw Josie Wales”

Sunny2's avatar

Famous last words: “Watch this!”

Prosb's avatar

A friend said to me, “Hey, you need to grow a pair. Grow a pair, bro.” It’s when someone calls you weak, but they associate it with a lack of testicles. Which is weird because testicles are the most sensitive things in the world. If you suddenly just grew a pair, you’d be a lot more vulnerable. If you want to be tough, you should lose a pair. If you want to be real tough, you should grow a vagina — those things can take a pounding. – Sheng Wang

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Those aren’t pillows!!!!

smilingheart1's avatar

I really like the Sir Winston Churchill quotes. Here are two of my favs.

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”

**********
Nancy Astor: “Sir, if you were my husband, I would give you poison.”
Churchill: “If I were your husband I would take it.”

GladysMensch's avatar

This
40 seconds? But I want it now. Homer

ragingloli's avatar

“Excuse me, but, you’re a female, right? You got those funny bumps, like an Asari.”

rebbel's avatar

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.” Voltaire.

snowberry's avatar

My father was a fan of Yogi Berra’s sense of humor. I inherited his sense of humor as well. Most folks seem to have forgotten these quips of his, and when I haul one out, people often think it’s a brand new joke!

“A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” Source: Baseball Digest (June 1987)

“Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical.”

“Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.”

“He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”

“How can a you hit and think at the same time?”

“I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

“I can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.”

“I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.”

“If people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?”

“I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.”

“I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”

“In baseball, you don’t know nothing.”

“I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?”

“I never said most of the things I said.”

“It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”

“It gets late early out there.”

“I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”

“It’s like deja vu all over again.”

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.” Source: Catcher in the Wry (Bob Uecker)

“Ninety percent of this game is half mental.” Source: Sports Illustrated (May 14, 1979)

“Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.”

“So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.”

“Take it with a grin of salt.”

“The game’s isn’t over until it’s over.”

“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

“You can observe a lot just by watching.”

“You should always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”

“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going because you might not get there.”

“We made too many wrong mistakes.”

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

blueberry_kid's avatar

^ Whoa man.

rojo's avatar

“I feel like I’ve been et by a wolf and shit over a cliff”.

rojo's avatar

From John Stuart Mill – “Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives”.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

“Somebody told women they could enjoy sex too…..that was the beginning of the end.” Al Bundy

“He is just suicidal, Peggy, he is not crazy.” Hank Hill

woodcutter's avatar

I can’t believe no one has put out: “I been shot and missed, shit at and hit”

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

On a tombstone: “I told you I was sick.”

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